Is staying really a viable option for me?

[Anonymous]

MayB wrote:

I think I’ll follow your lead and start looking for other organizations in our community to be a part of in addition to church. DH and I have talked about finding meaningful service opportunities for our family and I’m excited about the possibilities.

And also revel in the fact that when church people come at you to serve in the church (often in capacities you will find difficult due to unorthodoxy etcetera)….indicate that for this season in your life, you are dedicating your community service time to that non-LDS organization — whatever you decide it to be. You can tell them you are still an active Mormon (definition — attend church once or twice a month), but your “disposable time” is dedicated to being a light to others in the community (or some other Mormon justification for service that is outside the church).

Then you are not the half-miler who says “no’ to a calling — you are a dedicated Christian working to help society and our many non-member brothers and sisters who also need our talents –and you only have so much time.

I would like to find talks from GA’s about why we should be involved in the community, and be able to quote them as supporting encouragement from our own church leaders!

When I get the inevitable call to serve in the church again, I will comment that I felt inspired to join XYC non-profit, and am currently putting in about as much time as I was when I was HPGL…one must not run faster than one has strength, and for now, my community needs me….

Good luck — I like your plan to stay with the church, but to alter your focus, and to trade church time for time invested in your family. And by all means, neutralize the harmful teachings of the church and nurture the good ones in your children. It sounds like you have the beginnings of a plan, and I am happy for you!

[Anonymous]

hawkgrrrl wrote:

Stay because I feel the same way, and I want you in rather than out. . ..

I second hawkgrrl’s plea. I would miss having you as my web R.S. sister. I hope you’ll find a way through this with your family. I do think that if you start now building a strong family culture, and make it clear in no uncertain terms that you are a fair, free-thinking person who is trying to follow Christ, your kids will just tune out the bad stuff. My husband grew up in a house like that. When confronted with a statement about “whatever” from a former/current authority with which he disagrees he just says, “Everyone’s entitled to their own stupid opinion.” And moves on.

You’ve probably read “Lusterware” by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. Some of my favorite lines:

The Church I believe in is not an ascending heirarchy of the holy. It is millions of ordinary people calling one another “brother” and “sister” and trying to make it true.

….As I study the scriptures very few contemporary problems seem new. I wonder how men in tune with the divine can appear to be so complacent and self-righteous in their dealings with women. Then I read Luke’s account of the visit of the angel to the women at the tomb on the first day of the week: ‘It was Mary Magdalene, and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles. And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.’ I wonder how a church purportedly devoted to eternal values can invest so much energy in issues that strike me as unimportant. Then I read the nineteenth chapter of Leviticus and find the second greatest commandment, ‘thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself,’ side by side with a sober commmand that ‘neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee.’ Every dispensation has had its silver and its lusterware. God speaks to his children, as Moroni taught us, in our own language, and in our own narrow and culture-bound condition.

….The temptations of skepticism are real. Sweeping up the lusterware, we sometimes forget to polish and cherish the silver, not knowing that the power of discernment is one of the gifts of the Spirit, that the ability to discover counterfeit wares also gives us the power to recognize the genuine.

I like the silver/lusterware image. I like to picture me and all my “sistas” sorting through kitchen boxes together and figuring out what’s what.

Very best wishes as you continue on!

[Anonymous]

I ‘fourth’ Hawkgrrl’s great response. And like Ann, I too would miss you. I also want to add a couple of thoughts, first off regarding the kids and their choices (I know you and your husband have already come to a peaceful resolution, Amen to it) but two different real life examples came to my mind as I read your post. I thought of my mom. She was a young adult convert. Her family hadn’t practiced any religion when she grew up. They were good people, busy people and ironically, inactive LDS people. Through another set of friends she learned about the church, and fell in love with it. All her life and mine, her parents were non participants. However, we were all close. I credit the inactive parents/grandparents for this closeness. My mom wanted it, too, but they were willing to not let the differences be an issue for any of us. Those grandparents are still my favorite grandparents.

The other example is a young man in our ward. He comes from a very devout family and he has decided not to serve a mission. He is very candid that his dad isn’t happy about it. He also candidly says it’s not from sin or misdeed. Nor does he not believe in the church. Just flat out a mission isn’t for him – so stop bugging him. It’s very inspiring to watch. It gives me confidence because he is being a light of his truth.

Very last of all, if you leave, there will be hole on my bench. Early on in this transition, I grappled with the loneliness of being the only woman I knew at church who had the feelings many of us here share. It ached deeply. As I studied I came to find many woman who were in the same boat, only we were miles apart and would never meet face to face. Using the power of my imagination, I brought all of those women to church with me, every week. We sit together, we weep together, we hold hands together. We even comment to each other when we feel that I can’t comment out loud. Women on this board are part of my bench buddies, women on other blogs, and women who have passed on. I’d miss you if you were gone, both from the pew and from the board. I also understand and totally support any decision you make.

[Anonymous]

Ann wrote:

You’ve probably read “Lusterware” by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich.

Actually Ann, I’ve never heard of it. 😳 But I love what you shared from it and I think I’ll have to track it down and read it through completely.

mom3 wrote:

Very last of all, if you leave, there will be hole on my bench. Early on in this transition, I grappled with the loneliness of being the only woman I knew at church who had the feelings many of us here share. It ached deeply. As I studied I came to find many woman who were in the same boat, only we were miles apart and would never meet face to face. Using the power of my imagination, I brought all of those women to church with me, every week. We sit together, we weep together, we hold hands together. We even comment to each other when we feel that I can’t comment out loud. Women on this board are part of my bench buddies, women on other blogs, and women who have passed on. I’d miss you if you were gone, both from the pew and from the board. I also understand and totally support any decision you make.

This is such a beautiful thought! How I wish we could all go to church together. Thank you for the examples you mentioned as well. It’s so good to hear messages of hope. 🙂

[Anonymous]

MayB, I feel as if you have been visiting my heart and mind, as everything you said we, too, have been contemplating.Our youngest of five children is 14, so we are not in the same place as you are in that way, however.

Once I began giving a voice to my concerns and opening up to our family about them (quite timidly at first to ‘test the waters’), I discovered each and every one of them were having similar challenges with the Church. This came as both a surprise and a relief to me; a relief because it opened up a new conversation within our family, and a new honesty & openness has resulted.

I don’t know when or if I will ever return to full activity in the Church. I feel as if a huge, heavy, cumbersome weight has been lifted off my shoulders (although I never saw it before I took a step back). I am seeing with new eyes and hearing with new ears. My spirit is soaring.

I know what you mean about wearing your garments. I, too, took my garments off (after 34 years of wearing them faithfully, night and day). I can’t imagine ever putting them on again.

I still pray and search the scriptures and ask the Lord for guidance in my journey. I think that is where you will find the answers that are right for you and your family. For us, it has been a process – and we are still in the ‘figuring out what it looks like for us’ stage of the journey.

I think it is awesome you are taking today to go on a hike with your family, making memories and building relationships.

Sending prayers and thoughts you way, MayB.

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