Is StayLDS a gateway to leaving completely?

[Anonymous]

I’m a very new member of staylds. Some of you have read my story and have told me you can relate. There’s something that I’ve been wondering as I’ve been perusing older threads on this forum. I’ve noticed that in a lot of older threads, there were members of this forum who seemed to be very active, but don’t post anymore. This got me thinking and I’m genuinely interested in your thoughts – does this forum serve as a gateway to completely separating away from the church for those who can’t or don’t want to rip the band-aid off in one motion?

As I’ve posted before, I stay primarily for social reasons, most importantly being that my DW has asked me to. I am trying sincerely to find meaning for myself so that attendance doesn’t become such a burden, and this forum has really helped in that effort. Here’s where I struggle though – if I am being completely honest with myself and where my faith trajectory is headed, I think I’m headed in a direction where I would like to not have religion, and especially organized religion, be such an influence in my life. I would like to be free to explore for myself my own spirituality and philosophy and meaning of life outside the constraints of this church or of a nuanced belief system that I don’t think will work for me.

So back to my question. Those who used to be active in the forum – have they left the church completely now? Did this forum help with that transition or just make the whole process drawn out and more painful? Is it better sometimes to just rip the band-aid off when you sincerely think getting rid of the band-aid once and for all may help you to be your best self?

I’m feeling a little torn this Easter weekend and any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

No, it isn’t – in purpose or result for most people who participate. Period. Full stop. People tend to participate until they no longer feel the need – and there are, literally, thousands of people who read every month and never participate.

For those who feel they must leave, we hope to help ease the pain and help keep them from turning into classic anti-Mormons. If they can’t stay, we hope to help them let go of the bitterness and find peace.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

…does this forum serve as a gateway…

I would say, No. It’s a way station, something with more calming and constructive connotations. It’s a friendly, understanding pew. Maybe it’s in the back, but it’s in the chapel.

Other sites are gateways, but I won’t name any.

[Anonymous]

I see StayLDS as more of a support group, people hang around StayLDS until they no longer need support. That doesn’t necessarily mean they quit church, they may continue on with church but stop showing up at StayLDS because they no longer need support.

DoubtingTom wrote:

Here’s where I struggle though – if I am being completely honest with myself and where my faith trajectory is headed, I think I’m headed in a direction where I would like to not have religion, and especially organized religion, be such an influence in my life. I would like to be free to explore for myself my own spirituality and philosophy and meaning of life outside the constraints of this church or of a nuanced belief system that I don’t think will work for me.

I feel similarly. I’ve taken to exploring my own spirituality and meaning of life but remain fully engaged with the church. It can be hard in the LDS church because we have a culture of rigidly defined beliefs which may condition us to believe that is the way things are supposed to operate, even after a transition. I’m finding that I can still engage the church free of constraints and free to explore. To some degree the constraints are all in my mind, to another degree I believe that others at church may have an expectation that people believe a certain way.

I’m also finding that I care more about actions than beliefs. I’d prefer the person that doesn’t believe as I do that helps me when I’m down than a person that believes as I do that does nothing… so that’s what I try to be for others. That person that may not believe inside the constraints but will help out when needed.

[Anonymous]

DoubtingTom wrote:

I’m a very new member of staylds. Some of you have read my story and have told me you can relate. There’s something that I’ve been wondering as I’ve been perusing older threads on this forum. I’ve noticed that in a lot of older threads, there were members of this forum who seemed to be very active, but don’t post anymore. This got me thinking and I’m genuinely interested in your thoughts – does this forum serve as a gateway to completely separating away from the church for those who can’t or don’t want to rip the band-aid off in one motion?…So back to my question. Those who used to be active in the forum – have they left the church completely now? Did this forum help with that transition or just make the whole process drawn out and more painful? Is it better sometimes to just rip the band-aid off when you sincerely think getting rid of the band-aid once and for all may help you to be your best self?

I know some people that used to post here have left the Church and even resigned in some cases. Also there are some cases where people stopped posting here but continue to attend church. Personally I wouldn’t put too much blame on this site either way for causing people to leave or causing them to stay “too long” if maybe they would have been happier leaving sooner. If anything I think it has generally made people more comfortable with whatever decisions they end up making so that if they leave or stay it can be on their terms more than feeling too much pressure that they need to leave or stay if they don’t really want to at the time. I see this as the main idea of this site, that you don’t have to leave the Church just because you don’t believe in some of the teachings, don’t like some things about it, etc. the way some ex-Mormons like to push as if it is some kind of obligation if you don’t believe in the Church anymore.

[Anonymous]

Old Timer wrote:

For those who feel they must leave, we hope to help ease the pain and help keep them from turning into classic anti-Mormons. If they can’t stay, we hope to help them let go of the bitterness and find peace.

Thanks Curt. I really appreciate the purpose of this site. And I certainly don’t feel like I must leave at this point, but I wonder where I’ll be in 5 years (I have no idea) and what the best way for me to get there is. Certainly staying is the path of least resistance for me at this point, and I can’t reiterate enough how helpful this site has been in making staying more meaningful and enjoyable. I have at least reached a point where I genuinely feel at peace with my current beliefs, but now the future seems more uncertain – both exciting and scary. Thanks for the support.

nibbler wrote:

I feel similarly. I’ve taken to exploring my own spirituality and meaning of life but remain fully engaged with the church. It can be hard in the LDS church because we have a culture of rigidly defined beliefs which may condition us to believe that is the way things are supposed to operate, even after a transition. I’m finding that I can still engage the church free of constraints and free to explore. To some degree the constraints are all in my mind, to another degree I believe that others at church may have an expectation that people believe a certain way.

I’m also finding that I care more about actions than beliefs. I’d prefer the person that doesn’t believe as I do that helps me when I’m down than a person that believes as I do that does nothing… so that’s what I try to be for others. That person that may not believe inside the constraints but will help out when needed.

I also relate to this. I can continue to explore my own spirituality as long as I feel the church isn’t hindering that process. That said, if I were to completely leave at this point, I’d miss the community for sure, and it would probably cause too much marital discord to be worth it. It’s a classic benefits/risks scenario and the benefits of staying outweigh the risks of leaving.

It’s also hard to feel like my desires are wavering so much. Today I might feel like I should just walk away, “rip off the band-aid” and let the consequences fall where they may. Then tomorrow I’ll attend church with my family and think ok, this isn’t too bad. There’s a good community here of good people, and I can make this work for me even if I believe differently. It’s hard to be flipping back and forth, but hopefully some of you have felt those emotions during your faith transitions as well. How did you deal with that constant flux and did it ever go away or just get easier to deal with?

[Anonymous]

DevilsAdvocate wrote:

DoubtingTom wrote:

– have they left the church completely now? Did this forum help with that transition or just make the whole process drawn out and more painful? Is it better sometimes to just rip the band-aid off when you sincerely think getting rid of the band-aid once and for all may help you to be your best self?[/b]

If anything I think it has generally made people more comfortable with whatever decisions they end up making so that if they leave or stay it can be on their terms more than feeling too much pressure that they need to leave or stay if they don’t really want to at the time.

I think DA’s comment here nails it. When my shelf broke, it was a lifesaver to find this forum. Most forums are full of appologetics, black and white thinking, and strawmen, but staylds avoids most of that. I had too much that I valued in my religious experiences to just rip the bandaid off, and this forum helped me to sort through it all. Yes, the final result is still me leaving, but I’ve been able to keep what I valued about my faith.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see it as a gateway to leaving completely, although for some, that is the final result. In my own case, it was a gateway to learning about historical problems I never new existed, and which contributed to my negative feelings about the church. But at the same time, it presented an alternative method of staying active, a place to feel accepted when my local ward would not accept me.

The people here are also willing to entertain unorthodox ideas, and empathize with people who have suffered from various forms of church “abuse” from leaders and other members — rarely will you ever find a Pollyana answer to a problem, or an apologist’s response.

For me, it also helped me temper and contain my own disaffection. There is tolerance for everyone — the disaffected and TBM people, with acknowledgement that the LDS way works for many different people. Who are we to burst their bubble with our own ideas, that are often borne of specific situations or unusual experiences within the church?

I feel, actually, I am closer to the truth now than I was when I was a traditional believer. I am happier now. My family is still active…so for me, it has been a gateway to peace.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Is StayLDS a gateway to leaving completely?

For some yes, for some no.

When I joined this site, I was in the process of making a decision. Should I stay or should I go? (That was 2011)

As a result of discussing my issues here, my Wife & I decided to stay in the church.

– We decided what we believe.

– We decided how we would participate.

– We made adjustments along the way.

The focus of our faith is Jesus Christ. Secondary to that, service to others. (Inside & outside the church.)

We set limits on our activity. In the past we said yes to everything & everyone.

I’ve noticed that as time goes, I participate less on this site. I do however, read every day & participate when I think I have something meaningful

to say. I feel more comfortable in my journey now. I wish you the best on yours. Let me know if I can help.

My deepest thanks to everyone who has helped me on this site.

[Anonymous]

I think this board is one of a handful of two-sided groups about Mormonism. Obviously, the title includes Stay in it but not everyone does. No one gets condemned here if they do leave the church though… There are plenty of church sites and plenty of anti sites but this is neither.

[Anonymous]

DoubtingTom, for some it could be. For me, it isn’t. Even with gaining some nuanced beliefs after having a faith transition, I don’t plan on leaving or resigning at this moment. Some traditional black and white beliefs I still hold. Sometimes it’s still hard to sit in church services and the hear the traditional beliefs I no longer hold, but I get through it okay. I feel inspiration and it helps me become like Christ, which brings me peace. I don’t post much, but I read a lot. This site helps me sort through my beliefs.

[Anonymous]

SamBee wrote:

I think this board is one of a handful of two-sided groups about Mormonism. Obviously, the title includes Stay in it but not everyone does. No one gets condemned here if they do leave the church though… There are plenty of church sites and plenty of anti sites but this is neither.

I wouldn’t say people get condemned here if they leave the church. I think we understand that for some that’s where the path leads and some people really are better off outside the church. Our mission is to help those who desire to StayLDS do so, but I think we for the most part understand why some can’t or won’t. Rather than condemn, I think we wish them well and hope they find the peace they seek, and their continued positive contributions are still welcome. We will not tolerate negativity and openly trying to convince someone else they should leave, though. You are right, there are plenty of other sites where negativity abounds and where leaving the church is the cause for celebration. This is not one of those sites.

[Anonymous]

Tom – I think I asked this same question over a year ago as I noticed there are many that come and are very active and only a portion stay active in staylds. But like many of the comments, I don’t think the question of if StayLDS is to move people away from the church. In fact I think it has probably helped many think about it just a bit more before they “rip the bandaid off”. For some, getting it over with is the best thing for them. Others it might be best they think about it a bit more and learn a bit about themselves and how to work with others – especially when others are close family members. For someone that is the only member in their family, they don’t NEED staylds like many others do.

I can say I am very grateful for the site (which means the people in it). It has helped me and I don’t feel if I stay or go that I will be judged less.

[Anonymous]

I am not a regular poster but jump in from time to time. (Kind of depends on what is going on in my life). But I read very regularly. So those who disappear may simply be checking in although not weighing in.

On the “TBM”-“disaffected” scale, I am much closer to TBM. I did not join this board to figure out whether or not to leave (though some do). I joined due to the wide diversity of faith expressions and ideas being explored in a positive, affirming environment (THANKS MODERATORS!). That’s pretty rare on the Internet these days.

I think some members of this board do end up leaving the Church but many remain. All are welcome no matter where they may be in their faith journey.

[Anonymous]

DevilsAdvocate wrote:

If anything I think it has generally made people more comfortable with whatever decisions they end up making so that if they leave or stay it can be on their terms more than feeling too much pressure that they need to leave or stay if they don’t really want to at the time.

I agree with much that has been written. The LDS church teaches a paradigm that is black or white, either all true or a damnable heresy. So when we find evidence that not everything is how we were taught it is only natural to jump to the opposite extreme yelling “lies”, “deceipt”, and “cover-up”.

This is an extreme but understandable reaction. Unfortunately, much damage to relationships can be done at this stage. People get offended, they get defensive, and they harden into opposition camps.

I see StayLDS as giving people a soft landing. We ask people in faith crisis to slow it down enough to make a deliberate, thoughtful, and fully informed decision on what might be best for them and their family. We are not unbiased or neutral. We try to give people the tools to stay. But we also understand that there may be circumstances that make staying untenable or in some rare cases even unhealthy. I hope to give people a soft (less traumatic or collateral damage filled) landing wherever their journey may lead.

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