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WHY DID THE MOUSE CROSS THE ROAD?BECAUSE SOMEONE CUT THE CHEESE!How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? five — one to change the lightbulb and four to serve refreshments.
On a flight from Shannon to New York Irish Father Maguire finds himself seated next to a Mormon Bishop who introduces himself as Bishop Smith, who was returning
home to New York after a lovely vacation in Ireland.
Shortly after Irish father Maguire pulls out a flask, and pours some whiskey into his coffee. He then turns to Bishop and asks,
“Bishop. Is it true that you people never drink Alcohol?”
“Never,” replies the Bishop.
“Surely, at some time in your life you must have tasted alcohol. Come on, now, huh?”
“Well, Irish father, I guess since we’re both in the same racket I can tell you.
Yes, I did stray once and drank some whiskey.”
“Ah, I thought so,” says Irish father Maguire, a broad smile of satisfaction on his rotund face.
“Now, Irish father,” said the Bishop, “it’s my turn. You guys are supposed to be celibate, right?”
“Oh, dear God, yes. Absolutely.”
“Ah, come on, man. I leveled with you. Was there ever a time you strayed?”
Sheepishly, Irish father Maguire says, “Well, truth to tell, there was a time, yes. Once. Long time ago.”
“I see,” says the Bishop. Then after a moment he says “Beats the hell out of whiskey, don’t you think?
Sheldon wrote:“Beats the hell out of whiskey, don’t you think?
😆 OK, football season has started…so here goes…
Quote:A Provo, UT judge was ruling in the case of a ten year old boy who accused his parents of beating him. After reviewing the evidence, the judge announced that his intention to make the boy’s grandmother his custodian. The boy protested this, stating that the grandmother also beat the boy. Finally, the judge awarded custody of the boy to Bronco Mendenhall and the BYU Cougars, since the judge rightly determined that they can’t beat anybody.
“Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature That buttered toast always falls butter-down. He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome . The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy’s having buttered the toast on the wrong side.”
😆 Thanks for the laughs!From my wife, via Facebook: Quote:I wouldn’t mind hot flashes so much if they would burn fat from my butt and thighs.
From a friend Quote:I sang the grandkids to sleep once – or tried to. One little diplomat finally said:
Quote:“Grandma, could you please rest your nice voice for tomorrow?”
Gave little Roy (5 yrs old) his annual father’s blessing Sunday night. About half way through he says, “Are you done yet?” 🙄 I decide to cut it short.
A police officer saw a lady driving and knitting at the same time, so after driving next to her for a while, he yelled, “Pull over!”
No!” she called back. “Socks!”
When Julius Caesar saw a storm coming, he consulted his weather wizard. “What’s it going to be like?” he asked the wizard.
“Hail, Caesar!” replied the wizard.
Bad Ray, bad! 😆 Quote:Sorry, but I’m not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster.
Thanks to Arrested Development on NetFlix:
Quote:Maeby: Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold necklaces with the “T” on it?
Michael: That’s a cross.
Maeby: Across from where?
Michael: We’ve got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.
George Sr.: I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work!
Lindsay: I have the afternoon free.
Lucille: Really? Did “nothing” cancel?
Doctor: Yes, he’s lost his left hand, so he’s going to be “all right.”
Gob: And guess what else? Dad kissed me!
Michael: How? He looked pretty unconscious in that picture.
Gob: I didn’t say he was totally into it!
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