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An exchange I heard… something along these lines… “Joseph Smith had the priesthood restored, but could not fulfil all of the callings of the Melchizedek Priesthood, which came later.”
“So what’s the point of being able to have the priesthood and not be able to do anything with it?”
“That’s why it’s called the
IronicPriesthood.” SamBee wrote:“That’s why it’s called the
IronicPriesthood.”
😆 :clap: My wife texted me earlier today from St. Louis, where she is with our youngest daughter on a school field trip, and said that they went to the top of the arch. My ten-year-olddaughter said to my wife: Quote:“I’m glad we made it up and back down. I have a life to live.”
A foreign missionary coming from overseas shared his interesting testimony to a group of missionaries in a Zone Conference, reading from his note cards (as he was still uncomfortable speaking in English), he said: Quote:While studying the scriptures, I was thinking of cows. Why did God make cows? Everyone has cows in their life. Cows at home. Cows at work. Cows in their families. Cows in their schools. Cows in our churches. How can we use Christ’s teachings to get rid of all the cows in our life?
After an awkward silence in the room…his companion finally leaned over to him and said:
Quote:Chaos. It’s pronounced: ChaosHeber, I’m sure that there are many farmers in Wisconsin wondering the same thing. Mike from Milton.
My son just read this to me: Quote:Everything happens for a reason – but sometimes that reason is that you’re stupid and make bad decisions.
Nice, Ray! :thumbup: Knock KnockWho’s There?JoeJoe who?Joe MaMaKnock Knock Who’s There?
Amarillo.
Amarillo who?
A’m a reel ole cowboy…
Things to punder: I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it!
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro – what a rip-off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
To my surprise a couple of oldie religious jokes aren’t on here – this have been around a while – so sorry if they are repeats. One day President Monson is about to get into his darkly tinted windows limo. He decides he would like to drive. So he asks the chauffeur to let him drive. The chauffeur agrees and sits in back.
President Monson heads onto I-15. He is really enjoying himself and starts driving 100 mph. Pretty soon a cop pulls him over. The policeman comes up to the window and President Monson rolls down the window. Recognizing President Monson the officer stammers that he is free to go.
Coming back to his patrol car, the police officer’s partner is shocked that he let someone off so easy without even taking the ID and running a check.
Partner: “Why did you let them off?”
Officer: [Still in shock] “Well I just pulled over someone really high up…”
Partner: “How high? Was it the mayor?”
Officer: “No. It was higher than that.”
Partner: “The governor!?!?!”
Officer: “No maybe ever higher.”
Partner: “Who was it!?!?!”
Office: “Well I’m not entirely sure, but President Monson was his chauffeur.”
And the other one: One day a rabbi, the pope & President Monson are hanging out on a boat. They are pretty close to shore and start talking about walking on water.
Pretty soon the Pope declares he has enough faith to walk on water to the shore. Sure enough he climbs out of the boat and walks atop the water to the shore.
Next President Monson says, well I’m the true prophet, I can do that to. And he does the same thing.
Finally the confused rabbi decides he’d better try. He hops off the boat and sinks directly into the water.
As the rabbi swims to shore President Monson and the Pope have a conversation:
Pope: Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?
Monson: What rocks?
And my currently favorite joke (sorry not religious). [Hopefully this isn’t too PG. Potty humor but not off color.] A guy and his lawyer go to meet with an IRS agent for an audit.
IRS agent: I’ve reviewed your filing and things don’t add up. You don’t appear to have a job, stocks or any other investments, yet you have a healthy income. How do you make this money?
Guy: It’s pretty simple. I make bets. I’m just really good at winning bets.
IRS Agent: That sounds pretty far fetched. Are you a drug dealer or something?
Guy: No really. Here I’ll show you. I’ll bet you $500 I can lick my right eye.
IRS Agent: [Thinks for a minute] Okay you’re on.
Guy: [Pulls out his glass right eye and licks it.] You owe me $500.
IRS Agent. Fine you got me.
Guy: I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a chance to make your money back and still get a profit. I bet you $1000 I can bite my ear.
IRS Agent: [Thinks a little longer. Decides there is no way the guy has a detachable ear.] OK fine, you’re on.
Guy: [Pulls his dentures out and bites his ear.] You owe me $1500.
IRS Agent: Fine you got me again.
Guy: I’ll tell you what I’ll give you another chance. I’m sure you are leery by now so here’s the deal. If I win you only pay me $500 more. However if you win I erase the debt and pay you $1000. I’ll bet you I can stand here on this side of your desk. And standing here I can pee over the top of your desk into the waste basket on the other side without spilling a single drop.
IRS Agent. [Thinks for a really long time. Finally decides there is no way this is possible and if it is, it’s worth the money to see.] OK, I’m worried you’ve got something up your sleeve, but fine I’ll take the bet.
Guy: [Winks at his lawyer. The lawyer gives him a shocked disgusted look.] [Pees. To the IRS Agent’s surprise and delight, pees all over his desk – doesn’t even get any in the bucket.]
IRS Agent: [Jumps up and down in excitement.] Yes! I win.
Lawyer: [Slaps his head.] Aghhhhh!
IRS Agent: What’s wrong.
Lawyer: He just bet me $20,000 he could come in here, pee all over your desk, and you’d be happy about it!
Bc_pg, keep ‘me coming…those were GREAT!!!! 😆 :clap: …oh, I needed a good laugh today…thanks!The last one is awesome!!
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