Joke of the Day

[Anonymous]

One Day a Nun went for a walk down town. As she passed by a bar and a drunk man walked out. The drunk man went up to the nun and punched her in the face. :wtf: Then he said ‘ Your Not so Tough Now ARE YA BATMAN!!”

[Anonymous]

Another Bar Joke.

Two guys walk into a Bar.

The third guy ducks.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

WARNING: Being too open minded can lead to brains falling out!

Quote:

The problem nowadays is stupidity. Why don’t we just take the safety labels off everything and see what happens?

[Anonymous]

Oh…this is soooooo funny! BYUs “Divine Comedy” nails it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5THhmPQgdw4&feature=player_embedded

[Anonymous]

Forgotten_Charity wrote:

Featherina wrote:

“There’s nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child.” -Frank Clark

I was that inquisitive child. Who at the age of 5-8 was reading books meant for way older people in Paleontology. That caused me to ask my father these questions after a hard days work for him at the dinner table:

Dad, do dinosaurs have spirits? When I die will god allow me to keep them, as pets? Dad, will the t-rex and triceratops get along in heaven? Dad, will they eat my dog “wolfy” in heaven? Dad, if we can’t be cremated, does that mean the dinosaurs that got cremated in the Chicxulub crater won’t have a resurrected body in heaven? The look on my fathers face at the time told me he had never contemplated those questions before. 😆

😆

I love it when kids ask those kinds of questions in Primary – it’s great to see the responses!

Turinturambar,

Great clip!

Quotes…

“My dear child, you must believe in God despite what the clergy tell you.” -Benjamin Jowett

“Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.” -Garrison Keillor

[Anonymous]

My favorite line…

“Okay, poorly remembered prophetic quote, possibly from the September, 1978 Ensign…” 😆 😆 😆

[Anonymous]

turinturambar wrote:

My favorite line…

“Okay, poorly remembered prophetic quote, possibly from the September, 1978 Ensign…” 😆 😆 😆

😆 You know what makes it so funny – is that it’s true! Sunday school usually follows that pattern.

“I don’t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little each day.”

“It’s good to see both candidates creating jobs in the negative campaign ad sector.”

“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”

“If you’re on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”

This one reminds me of when I exited the freeway & my 6-year-old, shouts, “Woohoo! We won!”

[Anonymous]

Featherina wrote:

I exited the freeway & my 6-year-old, shouts, “Woohoo! We won!”

😆

[Anonymous]

I’m not good at telling (or writing) jokes.

I found this web site & it is funny.

My kind of humor. It is: http://comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com

It reminds me that humor is or can be a great healer.

fwiw

Mike from Milton.

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

If you watch the movie 127 hours backwards…

Its an inspiring story of an amputee that finds an arm in the desert.

:eh:

lol

love this…. super

[Anonymous]

Since you liked that one, DB…here is another keeping the theme of lost body parts from the late Mitch Hedberg:

Quote:

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. 

Mitch Hedberg 

And I’ll throw in one more for our good pal, Mr. Johnston:

Quote:

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it. 

Mitch Hedberg 

[Anonymous]

Featherina wrote:

Dad, do dinosaurs have spirits? When I die will god allow me to keep them, as pets? Dad, will the t-rex and triceratops get along in heaven? Dad, will they eat my dog “wolfy” in heaven? Dad, if we can’t be cremated, does that mean the dinosaurs that got cremated in the Chicxulub crater won’t have a resurrected body in heaven? The look on my fathers face at the time told me he had never contemplated those questions before. 😆

Well of course. What do you think Nessie and Ogopogo are? Celestialized dinosaurs.

[Anonymous]

Here is a story that I just heard involving an airport and dog. A few things I added for the sake of giving the story a little extra happy flavor.

An airplane had just landed at the airport. The luggage was carefully being unloaded by the airline workers. They began unloading the animals that were in pet Kennels. They noticed a dog that appeared to dead. They opened the kennel and verified that yes the dog was in fact dead. The workers were worried and wondered what they should do. By sure luck there happened to be a stray dog of that exact same breed walking by. They took out the dead dog and put it in the airport dumpster. They put the stray dog in the Kennel.

The airline workers proudly presented all the animal kennels to the rightful owners. A little old woman looked at the dog kennel and opened it. Out came a happy dog wagging his tail ready to go home. The old woman began to frown and shouted “THIS IS NOT MY DOG!”

The airline workers with a pretend shocked look on their faces said ” What do you mean surly this must be your dog. It was in your kennel and it seems to be happy to see you.”

The old woman looked at the airline workers sternly and said ” This is not my dog. My dog was dead and I flew him with me here so I can bury him in the pet sematary just down the road from my old farm.”

The workers very quickly ran down to the airport dumpster and retrieved the dead dog. They quickly put the dead dog back inside the kennel.

The old woman gave a slight smile to the ashamed airline workers. She then asked ” Where did you get this other dog.”

The shameful airline workers looked at the old woman and said ” Well it was a stray dog. It had no collar or tag. We thought something bad had happened to your dog during the flight so we tried to pass this dog off as your dog.”

The old woman laughed. smiled and laughed 😆 She then said ” If you can find me a collar and leash for this dog I will gladly give it a home and I will forget this whole incident ever happened.”

There was no pet store in the airport however there was a S&M costume shop just outside the airport. The airline workers ran into the shop and found a lovely leather leash and collar for the stray dog.

The collar was just a perfect fit and the dog was happy to finally have a home. The dead dog was buried at the pet semitary. the old woman flew back home with her new dog. Just before she boarded the plane she saw the airline workers and said ” The next time I bring a dead animal to bury please don’t try to replace it with a live one.”

[Anonymous]

What do you get if you cross a poodle with a Cuban revolutionary?

A: A gay chihuahua.

[Anonymous]

This is an old joke from back in days of elementary school. I have edited it slightly for the sake of flowing story line and keeping this up to the times.

It was a Thursday night in the Apple residence and everyone couldn’t wait for Friday night to start the weekend. The mother of the house was stressed and had a migraine. The father of the house was looking over the coupons in anticipation of Saturday shopping. The oldest girl was on the phone talking with her friends. The youngest boy of the family was watching a Batman movie marathon on T.V. The middle child brother was trying to study for his vocabulary test but forgot all of his spelling words and couldn’t find them. He studied with all the members of his family so he figured that all of them should at least remember one of the words.

The young boy first went to his mother’s room where it was pitch black and said “Hey Mom do you remember my 1st vocabulary word? The mother stressed and in pain replied SHUT UP! The young boy shrugged his shoulders and wrote it down. Next the boy went to his older sisters room who was very much consumed by her phone call and really never noticed if someone else was in her room. The boy asked ” Hey sis do you remember my 2nd vocabulary word?” Not noticing her little brother the sister carried on with the conversation saying Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Who Cares The little boy shrugged his shoulders and wrote it down. Next the boy went down to the room where the kids watched T.V. He saw his little brother with a blue pillow case around his neck running around with a jump rope as a Batman movie payed on the T.V. The older brother asked ” Hey little bro do you remember my 3rd vocabulary word? The younger brother looked up grabbed his pillow cape case and whirled it around him and said I AM BATMAN! He shrugged his shoulders and wrote it down There was one word left. The boy went to went into the living room where his father was looking at the newspaper coupons. The boy asked “Dad do you remember my 4th and final vocabulary word? The father so very consumed by looking over the coupons said allowed HMMM Toilet Paper for 25 cents The boy shrugged his shoulders and wrote it down

At last all of this vocabulary words had been written down!

SHUT UP! Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Who Cares I AM BATMAN! HMMM Toilet Paper for 25 cents

Friday Morning the teacher thought that she would be nice and have a group verbal study session of the vocabulary words. She called on the boy with his newly discovered Vocabulary words and asked ” Could you please tell the class what the first vocabulary word is?” The boy looked down at his sheet of paper and said “SHUT UP!“

The teacher was shocked 😯 and said How dare you say that to me! you want to go to the principal’s office? The boy in a panic looked down at sheet of paper and named off his next Vocabulary word “Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Who Cares”

The teacher got really angry at that point 👿 and she shouted “YOUNG MAN GO TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!”

The boy leaped out of his chair with his vocabulary words in hand and ran to the principal’s office.

The Principal was on the phone and he could hear the angry voice of his teacher on the other end. The principal hung up the phone and said ” Young man I just got off the phone with your teacher. You were very disrespectful. You told your teacher to SHUT UP! Just who do you think you are?

The boy in a panic looked down at his vocabulary list and said “I AM BATMAN!”

The Principal with a very disappointed look on his face said ” Another joker to grace the halls of this school I see. Young man do you have any idea what it takes to run a school? Do you have any idea how much time and effort must be put in by all the staff and faculty? Do you have any idea of how much it costs to keep this school up and running? Do you even have any idea what this School is made out of?

The boy in a panic looked down at his spelling test and said “HMMM Toilet Paper for 25 cents“

The Principal wasn’t really sure what to say. He assigned the kid Saturday School. The boy later became king of the BREAKFAST CLUB! He made sure that he could do anything to go back on Saturday and reclaim his thrown.

That boy was ME! :wave:

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