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I introduce my religious beliefs to people as “sort of Mormon.” That usually gets me a chuckle, sometimes a curious follow-up question. “What do you mean, ‘sort of?'”
This is a tough question. To the outsider I probably look indistinguishable from the full-blooded variety. I don’t drink (not even coffee or tea). I don’t smoke. I have never watched an R-rated movie. I married young, in the temple, and had kids. When my youngest was up most of the night last week with some kind of bug, I stroked his eyebrow while softly singing LDS hymns for hours on end.
However, while to a non-member I look perfectly Mormal (normal Mormon), any discerning member could sniff me out with no trouble at all. I don’t wear garments. Most of my clothing is still perfectly garment-friendly (I have a couple of shirts with sleeves a titch shorter or skirts that fall an inch higher) but it’s enough that a member could tell the difference. I rarely attend church. Lately “rarely” has been “almost never.” I let fly an occasional (NOT around my kids) bad word, and I am generally ill-at-ease among my member friends because we share such opposite views on most of the stuff that’s important in my life.
Until today, I had really been feeling like maybe it was time to really distance myself from the church. It didn’t seem fair to claim membership (even qualified membership) when I was going to be picking and choosing my habits. Something about being not cold or hot but lukewarm. I would have done it years ago but it would be so devastating to my family, and the costs just didn’t seem worth the benefits.
Today, though, I was sitting in Institute (which I hate, but force myself to go to because it’s only an hour long, compared to the three-hour church meeting, and I’ve been trying to grit my teeth and convince myself to stay) and we were talking about a slew of subjects that made me squirm. We opened with a discussion on Conference, and everyone gushed their gratitude at the talks that really solidified the Church’s (apparently not-yet-solid?) stance on gender roles. I have a non-traditional family and almost any talk of the “divine roles” makes me uncomfortable. From there we moved on to post-mortality speculation (another favorite topic), talked about hand-shaking and resurrected beings (RANDOM?!) and finally closed with several anecdotes of people having encounters with the deceased after doing their work in the temple. If the instructor had been spinning a wheel called “TOPICS THAT MAKE APOLLYON WANT TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE” he couldn’t have come up with a better list.
I was sitting there, feeling pretty numb and stupid for being in that class, when all of a sudden he made an off-handed comment about Christ. I wish I could tell you what it was, because this whole story is kind of stupid without knowing that, but I honestly didn’t notice because in that moment, for the first time in about five years, I felt this crazy, left-field, unjustifiable warmth shoot through me. To say it was unexpected was an understatement. I was so numb and irritated that it didn’t even occur to me to WANT spiritual revelation, let alone ask for any. It was there, it was powerful, and within a couple of minutes, it was gone.
That’s what drove me to these forums. I can’t tell you how many times I prayed–at the beginning–for some kind of sign to strengthen my fading faith. In the years since, I’ve offered an occasional internal prayer, but nothing too personal. Mostly my prayers are “please help the kids to get well soon” and “please let me do well on my presentation today.” I haven’t received anything by way of revelation since I was twenty.
So here I am. I don’t know what kind of condition I’m in, spiritually speaking. I still have issues. Probably a lot of the same stuff as the rest of you. Heck, maybe that prompting today was of the “all the rest of this stuff is whack, go find some other Christian church to belong to,” but I have to at least give it a shot.
Thanks for reading this unnecessarily long post. I have a zillion things to do tonight but I just couldn’t focus until I got this all out. Ah, katharsis.
Welcome. I believe in tender mercies, especially at moments like what you experienced, and I don’t give a large rodent’s hindquarters about the source.
Apollyon, Welcome. I enjoyed your story about feeling the spirit in that odd setting. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our angst about he LDS Church, that we forget the basic tenants of our religion… which has nothing to do with handshaking angels or gender roles, and everything to do with God setting in motion this world for our opportunity (similar to our maximizing the opportunity for our kids), spiritual striving, love for our families and for our neighbors, Jesus’ coming to the earth to make it all possible, commitment, joy, love, peace, hope.
One thing that has helped me over the years is to own my own beliefs and not worry (too much) about what others think. I still can get pushed over the cliff, especially on a few key issues, but for every talk by Elder Christofferson, there is one by President Uchtdorf, and another by President Eyring. There’s enough to find peace if and when we filter out all the stuff we don’t like. I felt inspired listening to President Monson talk about overcoming difficult things in our life.
You and I have something in common. I wondered about finding another, Christian, church. It didn’t work out. I couldn’t find a substitute that worked for me. But I turned to the New Testament and found that I had undervalued it as a full-fledged member of the Church. If a message of Christ could get through to you in that difficult setting, then there must be something there for you. I have found a lot of comfort over the years in the Gospels, Romans, Corinthians, Galatians, I Thessalonians, Philippians, Philemon, and Hebrews. I learned to use the LDS Church as a framework for my own spirituality. That way, I didn’t have to agree with everything found in the Church. I learned it was helpful for me to focus on my own beliefs rather that looking for what I didn’t agree with the beliefs of others.
Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle. But I do stay somewhat connected to the NT, and if it weren’t for the LDS Church, I would have left it behind long ago.
So glad you had the positive experience in the midst of that most uncomfortable sounding setting. It does sound like something you desperately needed at the time. Hi, Apollyon – Thanks for sharing your experience, and I’m glad you’re here. “Mormal” – ha, ha! I haven’t heard that before. 😆 Welcome. I feel like I am always saying this to new participants in the forum, but it’s true so I’m going to say it. You and I have many things in common, including living the WoW. I have not attended church in many years, but I do have a desire to return. Like you, some of what I hear there makes me feel uncomfortable, and yes, sometimes even angry. I had difficulty with several talks in GC as well, but found great solace in the talks given by Pres. Uchtdorf, Elder Holland, and others. I’m not sure the “positives” and “neutrals” always outweigh the “negatives” but they do make it easier to bear. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to sharing more of your journey with you. You will have to decipher what your spiritual experience means. I personally had similar experiences which tells me there is something to the church. That’s one reason I stay and don’t try to dissuade people from it (and support my family).
As someone who has had to hone my skills in making things happen by working through other people, I realize that often, what gets accomplished tends to be the result of “art”. The interaction of the situational factors, the personalities and strengths of the people involved, and our own personalities and strengths.
Have you ever wondered if God influences our lives through “art”. Where he sees the circumstances we are in, and gives us revelation to persist in those situations even though not all aspects are true, or necessarily “true” – because some good or results will come of it?
I think that was why I had revelation to join 30 years ago. The church did provide some good in my life, but in recent years, the unhappiness has overwhelmed the good. Could it be that involvement in the church was appropriate for a season, but not now?
That is my assessment of revelation…that in the church we often receive these indicators to help achieve some net good, and not necessarily get a solid convincing that everything the church claims is true.
I found the entire post to be very entertaining and hope that you contribute to our group often (if only for your sense of humor 😆 )I don’t have a clue what your spiritual impression means, but if I were your spiritual father I would send you a message that you are good, valued, accepted, and loved. With your inch too short skirts and your occasional expletive, your liberalish views and your choice of where to sit your behind on Sundays, your striving to be a good parent and yearnings about important matters. It’s all good. You still belong to him and are loved. “Tender mercies” is a good way to describe it.
On Own Now wrote:Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our angst about he LDS Church, that we forget the basic tenants of our religion… which has nothing to do with handshaking angels or gender roles, and everything to do with God setting in motion this world for our opportunity (similar to our maximizing the opportunity for our kids), spiritual striving, love for our families and for our neighbors, Jesus’ coming to the earth to make it all possible, commitment, joy, love, peace, hope.
Totally love this paragraph – except that sometimes it seems that most LDS have forgotten the basic tenets of our religion too and that is extra frustrating. All that good stuff is part of our religion, but you have to know where to look…and you have to wade through crap to get there.
Welcome Apollyon, This is a safe place for you!
Welcome, Apollyon. Similar experiences to what you describe are the reasons I’m staying LDS. I went through a period of about 12 months where my Sunday attendance became almost unbearable. One Saturday I was attending the baptism of the daughter of a friend in the ward, sitting towards the back listening to the rambling “welcome to the Church” remarks of a bishopric member after the confirmation, when WHAM!, the spirit hit me like a ton of bricks. At first I couldn’t really believe what I was feeling, but sure enough, there it was. Since then, I’ve taken the attitude that for me, church is nothing more and nothing less than an opportunity to feel the spirit. It doesn’t happen every Sunday, or even very often, but it happens often enough to keep me going back. I stopped caring that someone scolds my son for taking the bread with his left hand, that Sister [last name removed] is spouting off again about the New Jerusalem, or that the visiting high councilor has obviously not prepared his remarks beforehand. If what I’m experiencing in Sac mtg isn’t uplifting, I read something on my iPad that is. Hope you’re able to find a little nest here – some very good folks hang out here.
:thumbup: Welcome Apollyon. Here are the thoughts that came to me when I read your post:
The one moment of feeling “the spirit” can be special and can cause you to reflect and soul search, which sounds like you are doing. Follow those promptings to find what you need to learn
I would caution, however, not to put all the stock in that “feeling” as absolute proof of God in your life. It can be confusing when a person then feels that same feeling while watching a Star Trek movie or another random situation and wonder what those feelings are, or sometimes dismiss the prior experiences. But I am not suggesting dismiss it out right as nothing of consequence. Something inside you is speaking to your spirit, or causing you to think about it. You did not interpret the feeling as heartburn or the chills…you attributed it to God. That says something.
What I’m trying to say is, there seems obviously something pulling you towards thinking about this and something that draws you to the church and a closeness to God. I see that happening in your description beyond just that fleeting moment of a flash of the “burning in the bosom” or however you wish to describe that experience.
You’ve gone to institute, even while gritting your teeth doing it. What draws you to do something like that? I think there is a good reason you are drawn to it.
You sing hymns when no one else is around and you dress modestly and obey the word of wisdom because you feel it is right, not because you feel you will be condemned if you break it.
There are many “mormon” things about you, but some things internally you are opinionated about. It is an opportunity for you to learn something. And I think there is more going on than just that feeling of the spirit on that one occasion.
That’s just what I thought when I read your intro. I’m glad you’re here and have shared your story. Welcome. I hope you’ll feel welcome to ask questions and join our conversations with your perspectives.
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