Just feeling so alone.

[Anonymous]

mom3 wrote:

I have so missed you. When I first came here you were one of the voices I loved to read. I am glad you have found a place for your heart. I pray for you and your friend. If we lived closer, but I am too many states away, I would gladly be your friend. Thanks for sharing this with us. Just seeing your name on the sidebar made me smile.

I second that. You are always welcome here.

Katzpur wrote:

Actually, I think that the reasons I’m struggling are not doctrinal at all, really, but cultural. I really don’t have many issues with the doctrines. I think that’s why I’m so unusual. I will occasionally hear people talk about how they don’t buy into any of the doctrine, and yet want to stay in the Church for social reasons. I’m actually kind of the opposite.

I see the two as intertwined. I have discovered a vaste store of LDS doctrine that really gels with my heart and mind (Ray might call it pure Mormonism). Unfortunately, the culture highlights other aspects of LDS doctrine that do not speak well to me (sometimes this “highlighting” is so pronounced as to overshadow or even completely obscure the doctrine that I find so nourishing). Finally – there is the madenning assumption by some that if one simply follows in lock step with all the cultural norms and benchmarks then you will be a lock for the CK.

I believe that there is much truth that the path of moderation or the “middle way” is one that is often lonely. You get grief from both the left and the right. Because the exact path you travel is unique, you may not find quite the same kinship (those unspoken understandings) that you once enjoyed even among other middle wayers. It is less that you represent a sub-culture of a sub-culture and more that you are an individual…fulfilling the measure of her creation one step at a time.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I see the two as intertwined. I have discovered a vaste store of LDS doctrine that really gels with my heart and mind (Ray might call it pure Mormonism). Unfortunately, the culture highlights other aspects of LDS doctrine that do not speak well to me (sometimes this “highlighting” is so pronounced as to overshadow or even completely obscure the doctrine that I find so nourishing). Finally – there is the madenning assumption by some that if one simply follows in lock step with all the cultural norms and benchmarks then you will be a lock for the CK.

+100. Me, too. Yeah. Like. :thumbup:

[Anonymous]

Eternity4me wrote:

I think your biggest problem is that you appear to be a Utah Mormon.

I honestly think that’s a huge part of the problem.

Quote:

I wish you could pick up and move elsewhere, but I doubt that even enters the realm of possibility.

That’s right. It’s just not an option. Knowing that it’s a little bit different elsewhere actually helps, though. I tell myself that if I were living in some big East Coast city where most of the congregation were first or second-generation converts, I’d fit in better. When I can convince myself that it’s not just me, I feel a little bit better.

[Anonymous]

Ann wrote:

Hi, Katzpur – I would give my eye teeth for a real female confidant in my ward.

Wanna move?

Quote:

I hope you and she can ride this out until that time because old, true friends are hard to come by.

I’m sure we will. We have quite a bit in common and she does understand that I’m in a different place than she is. What I don’t think she gets is that I really don’t want to be where she is. I need the gospel, even if I could do without the Church most of the time.

Quote:

I would like to understand better why you might ask her to keep things to herself.

It’s hard to explain. She’s also my hairdresser; she works out of her home. I was over at her place having her give me a haircut yesterday. She was all excited because she was going to a book review by someone who’d just written a book about Joseph Smith and the Council of Fifty. She said, “Did you know that they wanted to take over the world?” She asked if I wanted to go with her. I lied and said I had other plans. What I thought was, if I go to this book review, it’s going to be a very negative slant on Joseph Smith. It may contain elements of the truth, but it’s going to be biased. If I were to go to it, I’d end up feeling conflicted and confused. I could go to the FAIR site and get another point of view and maybe some information that would put it all into perspective, but I really don’t want to have to do that. It’s not that I’m trying to avoid the truth. Heaven knows, I think the Church has whitewashed its history enough. But if I were to find out information that contradicted what the book reviewer said, or even brought up points that the book reviewer conveniently neglected to mention, I’d feel like it would be only right that I share my findings with my friend. Then it would appear to her as if I were “just like every other Mormon — always trying to make excuses for Joseph Smith instead of accepting the truth about him.” I’m just uncomfortable with where such a conversation may end up leading us.

Quote:

I want to be more open with my friends, but am afraid I’ll screw it up.

I definitely know what you’re saying.

[Anonymous]

mom3 wrote:

I have so missed you. When I first came here you were one of the voices I loved to read. I am glad you have found a place for your heart. I pray for you and your friend. If we lived closer, but I am too many states away, I would gladly be your friend. Thanks for sharing this with us. Just seeing your name on the sidebar made me smile.

Not sure if this was addressed to me or to Ann, but in the event that it was me, thank you. 🙂

[Anonymous]

nibbler wrote:

Part of the challenge of making a real life connection with people in church that have similar views is that they may feel the need to be guarded, hold their thoughts close to their vest, just like me. No one pipes up and we both continue to feel alone. I don’t have a strategy to overcome this, I’m just saying.

Well, if you ever come up with a strategy, I sure hope you’ll share it.

Quote:

Last night at mutual, or whatever they are calling it these days, I was surprisingly open with someone about some of the struggles that I have with a few mormon doctrines. It was buried in discussion over much weightier issues but I felt like it was a beginning.

You know, I’ve had that happen — but very rarely.

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

mom3 wrote:

I have so missed you. When I first came here you were one of the voices I loved to read. I am glad you have found a place for your heart. I pray for you and your friend. If we lived closer, but I am too many states away, I would gladly be your friend. Thanks for sharing this with us. Just seeing your name on the sidebar made me smile.

I second that. You are always welcome here.

Thank you!

Katzpur wrote:

Actually, I think that the reasons I’m struggling are not doctrinal at all, really, but cultural. I really don’t have many issues with the doctrines. I think that’s why I’m so unusual. I will occasionally hear people talk about how they don’t buy into any of the doctrine, and yet want to stay in the Church for social reasons. I’m actually kind of the opposite.

I see the two as intertwined. I have discovered a vaste store of LDS doctrine that really gels with my heart and mind (Ray might call it pure Mormonism). Unfortunately, the culture highlights other aspects of LDS doctrine that do not speak well to me (sometimes this “highlighting” is so pronounced as to overshadow or even completely obscure the doctrine that I find so nourishing). Finally – there is the madenning assumption by some that if one simply follows in lock step with all the cultural norms and benchmarks then you will be a lock for the CK.[/quote]Ray little essay on “Pure Mormonism” resonated with me so much that I copied the post and, with his permission, have used it elsewhere. I feel a strong connection to “Pure Mormonism.” It’s when the unpure elements start creeping in that my faith is challenged. I go from one extreme to the other. What I mean is that I either find myself being so critical of everyone in the Church and thinking that they’re all just a bunch of mindless sheep who are absolutely incapable of thinking for themselves (in which case I end up being the prideful one), or I end up thinking that I must be such a disappointment to my Heavenly Father than I just want to crawl in the hole and die. I just wish I could find a comfortable middle ground. I wish I could feel okay with how I am and at least accepting of how everybody else is, but so far, I don’t seem to be doing a very good job of it.

Quote:

I believe that there is much truth that the path of moderation or the “middle way” is one that is often lonely.

As far as I’m concerned, a greater truth was never spoken.

[Anonymous]

Katzpur wrote:

Eternity4me wrote:

I think your biggest problem is that you appear to be a Utah Mormon.

I honestly think that’s a huge part of the problem.

This actually reminded me of a conversation I had with a good friend a couple weeks back (I’m preparing for a mission, so I end up talking a lot about my mission plans and goals with my friends…most of whom are not Mormon). We were talking about how crazy Utah Mormon culture drives us for one reason or another. She’s very adamant that Joseph Smith was a conman and the church is definitely not true, so it really surprised me when she flat out said that she has a very strong suspicion that if she had been raised outside of Utah, she probably would still be in the church.

I guess it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

West wrote:

Katzpur wrote:

Eternity4me wrote:

I think your biggest problem is that you appear to be a Utah Mormon.

I honestly think that’s a huge part of the problem.

This actually reminded me of a conversation I had with a good friend a couple weeks back (I’m preparing for a mission, so I end up talking a lot about my mission plans and goals with my friends…most of whom are not Mormon). We were talking about how crazy Utah Mormon culture drives us for one reason or another. She’s very adamant that Joseph Smith was a conman and the church is definitely not true, so it really surprised me when she flat out said that she has a very strong suspicion that if she had been raised outside of Utah, she probably would still be in the church.

I guess it is what it is.

Wow!

[Author]

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