Just Floating Around

[Anonymous]

Hey Everybody,

I have been reading for a long time, trying to decide what to do (or not do), but I really need some support, so I wanted to try posting. I’m going to post some specific things in the support forum, but I thought I should provide an intro as background.

I have been running into difficult stuff for a few years now. I thought apologetics was the answer until the answers started to come up short. I’ve had several reaffirming experiences throughout the process – basically that I was ok even though I didn’t have all the answers, because I felt that I had a testimony. About 3-4 months ago, I started reading Rough Stone Rolling. As I was almost finished with it, my wife and I took our two kids to Germany and Austria, so I had a chance to step back from my calling, from the Utah scene, my wonderful extended family, etc. Somewhere during that trip I stepped a little more into the darkness. After reading Bushman, I realized that there is no way the church can be true in the same way I thought it was before. I really started to doubt the testimony process. I’ve begun to distrust feelings as a way to know whether or not something is true, especially the way we do it in the church (bearing a testimony before you have one, the insistence on saying “know”, the status you get if you have one, etc).

Now it’s like I’m just floating on an ocean, totally usure of what to do next. I could start moving, but I have no landmarks to tell me which way is the right way.

My wife is supportive. I gave up sharing everything with her after I started to realize how it affected her, but she’s about where I was before (sure in her testimony, ok waiting for answers, willing to take a broad look at things). She’s not worried about it, I don’t think.

Anyway, I’ll post more about my worries in the support thread, but I’m sort of paralyzed at the moment, and am worried that even inaction is the wrong choice. I really need someone to talk to. I have a very intelligent and academic familiy, and I think I could discuss it with them openly, but I don’t want to disrupt their faith, and I don’t want to risk the relationship. I have a suspicion that my father (awesome guy) has gone through some form of what I have and come out on top, but maybe hasn’t gone as far off the deep end as I have. I want to discuss Rough Stone Rolling with someone in my family, but I don’t want to suggest they read it — or I worry that if they do, they”ll just blow it off like I did before.

I’ve been very careful at church, and am currently active and serving as assistant ward clerk. (I am growing my hair out a tiny bit though

Anyway, my life itself it great, except spiritually. I don’t really have a spiritual life. I’m not doing much of anything besides the occasional prayer (now, only when I feel like it instead of making myself).

I’ve got to go, but thanks so much for your support. Reading your posts has helped a lot over the past couple of months.

[Anonymous]

Welcome. I’m glad you are here asking your questions.

There are some REALLY good posts in the archives about things you can do to focus on spirituality and rebuilding your own personal testimony. I will try to recommend a few by name later.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the community. I look forward to the things you want to discuss. This is a safe place to talk about challenging topics in the Church in a positive way. We are also very big on find new avenues of spirituality. So I think both your main concerns (from what I took from your intro) are great for this group.

FWIW, I don’t think there’s any rush. It’s all VERY new territory when you start on this path of your personal journey.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Guys –

Here are the threads for the current two issues I’m struggling with right now.

http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=1172

http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=1171

@Ray – I’m still struggling to figure out IF I should be rebuilding my spirituality. I feel like I need to center my faith before I know what to do, but I’m not getting anywhere very quickly.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the group.

I really identify with how you shared your feelings on your post.

It can be hard to find the right person to really open up and explore valid ideas with…it doesn’t seem like it should be that way at church and in religion, but in reality, it simply is.

Hopefully there is some consolation in knowing you have found a group here that identifies with so much of your thoughts and feelings.

Sharing experiences with each other helps us figure things out, even if we have unique paths to tread.

This part really struck me when you wrote:

embwbam wrote:

Now it’s like I’m just floating on an ocean, totally unsure of what to do next. I could start moving, but I have no landmarks to tell me which way is the right way.

…

Anyway, I’ll post more about my worries in the support thread, but I’m sort of paralyzed at the moment, and am worried that even inaction is the wrong choice.

I feel that way too at times. Just have faith (or hope or desire…whatever you call it) that you can find peace and figure it out…you just have to let go of some things and embrace some new things. But know it is for the best…it is growth.

I wouldn’t worry too much about “inaction is the wrong choice” … going slow and taking time to try things that feel honestly good to you is rewarding. Take time to allow yourself to relax, take a break, think, feel, and doubt things. Sometimes the barrier to new growth is the resistance of letting go of things we think we “should” do based on Mormon culture.

I look forward to hearing your views on things.

I’m sure you’re reading a lot, but I’d highly recommend this article:

http://www.fairlds.org/FAIR_Conferences/2005_Faith_Cognitive_Dissonance_and_the_Psychology_of_Religious_Experience.html” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.fairlds.org/FAIR_Conferences/2005_Faith_Cognitive_Dissonance_and_the_Psychology_of_Religious_Experience.html

Feel free to Personal Message me if you want someone to talk with.

[Anonymous]

Welcome! I’ll echo heber’s sentiments. It really is nice to have this group to discuss, etc. to get out all of that pent up intellectual energy. Go for it!

[Author]

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