Keep an eye out for "Alisa from WA" user=conflictedrunner

[Anonymous]

Someone new may register at some point with some mental health issues compounded by an unsatisfied interaction with the church’s lay leadership. She sent this email to the admin email box. I wanted to copy it here so that you are all aware of them if/when they join. She may be fine and participate normally, but maybe not. We always try to be kind and compassionate, as always, but also know our limits in the mental health counselling area.

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I’m struggling to “stay LDS” right now…like running in two different directions at the SAME TIME and it’s exhausting.

My story began as a child…decent upbringing I guess…mom and dad (Army 20 years), moved all over. But, not until recently as I’ve been going through LDS Addition Recovery did I really realize how scary and painful my childhood was. It was GREAT too…many great memories, but a lot of challenging memories.

My mom was ill with cancer most of her life – breast and ovarian – then dying when I was 18 of ovarian. My brother was gay and ended up dying via AIDS shortly after my mother. Also shortly after my mother, my uncle committed suicide. Recently, 3 more cousins committed suicide. I had a young man on the track team that I head coach drown. All these things combined with other deaths I witnesses as a kid – were traumatic.

However, the straw was being sexually abused when I was 10. That filtered into my adult sex life (as you can imagine) as well as relationship. It surfaced as sexual addiction when I got older – an act of “self abuse” I guess you could call it. I guess what I’m getting at is I struggle GREATLY with male authority. While TRYING so damn hard to “do the right thing” and stay CLEAN etc…I feel like so many times, I get the answers of “drop the anger” or “have faith”…I TRY to explain to them that having faith is NOT SO EASY when you have been hurt by men all your life! I feel like I get why we don’t have paid clergy, but I feel like maybe it’s DAMN TIME we start paying them so they can actually get some professional training in how to deal with women (okay everyone)…or allow women to “hold priesthood” so you get SOMEONE in there with a freaking sensitive BONE! My RS president stabs me in the back and my bishop tries to tell me to just “let it go” (it was a major stab by sending ME a msg on her HUSBANDS fb account trying to “trap me”…when my addiction has NOTHING to DO with him…she just is threatened by me (bc I’m fit and confident). She says “I’m sorry it was a joke” and the bishop just says “let it go, it was satan”. BULLSHIT!

Anyway, I had a relapse this past fall and he pushed me to go back to AR meetings – so I did. He pushed me to go back to a counselor. I resisted b/c I KNEW that opening up all those sexual abuse wounds would bring me NOTHING but depression/anxiety all OVER again (I had already overcome the addiction 5 years ago…been 5 years clean until this) …but I went anyway. He pushed me to get a SPONSOR – do you know how HARD it is to find a SPONSOR in the LDS culture that is a woman for SEX ADDICTION???? ALL the FREAKING talks and everything is about MEN!!!! You know how BROKEN that makes me feel? They wanna put their heads in the SAND in regards to women and sexual addictions! But I got a sponsor…a MAN…but the church doesn’t like THAT either bc it’s OPPOSITE SEX!!!!??? WTH???? But I just don’t listen…b/c he has been AMAZING! THEN…I had this past “thing” that really haunted me that I needed to get “off my chest” ….bishop “counseled” that I make a full confession. It was SOOO painful, but I did it. Then… on Sunday – when he told me no discipline would be had – I was so looking forward to taking the sacrament. What happens….?? The TOTALLY FORGOT ME! Didn’t even bring it to me! So I talked to the bishop about it. He acted like I totally overreacted and it was MY FAULT that I didn’t raise my hand!?!? WTH? Then proceded to tell me how I take SOOOO much of his time up (when the meetings and crap were HIS ideas in the first place) … but…

HEEELLOO!!! EINSTEIN…YEAH! Remember how I TOLD him that this would happen? That I would become anxious and depressed when I opened all these wounds and scars??? Then when it happened, and I was a bit “needy”…he then acts like I’m just a burden. Boy…I gotta tell ya, hurtful! Just like most men in my life, make me feel unimportant, and little! “I care…but don’t bother me”

Anyway….I’m really struggling with this inner fight of….I am MORMON, right? But…if you “care” about me like you say you do… you care about the entire being….not just this “confession” and okay…now move along…”have faith”… blah blah blah. I’m so hurt right now….and now I feel like I have no where to turn!

Thanks for listening. That is the “nutshell” version. I read your essay on how to stay Mormon. It is pretty good. But…just a little lost

Alisa from WA

[Anonymous]

I will reply to her email when I get a chance later today. I’ll try to coach her a little and give the little advice I can directly.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for handling Brian, even during this time I know you’re super busy at work.

Will keep an eye out for her. She is in so much pain.

[Anonymous]

Just updated the title to this thread — she registered. Username = conflictedrunner.

We exchanged a few emails. She seems more OK after talking back and forth a bit. Probably not as much a problem as I thought initially. She’s one of those “promiscuous disclosure” types, but that isn’t uncommon coming from our culture of lacking appropriate social boundaries to begin with. I coached her a bit about not sharing too much information with strangers on the internet, and about having a more realistic expectation about everyday people (and church leaders) being overwhelmed by her “confessions.”

She described more details of her issues with sexuality. To be honest, she sounds pretty normal. I think most of her problems are invented due to poor interactions with untrained leaders, and our culture’s general inability to talk about sexuality in a mature and adult way. The Church is mostly really really really bad at dealing with folks who have experienced sexual trauma.

I recommend decreasing the threat level to yellow 🙂

[Anonymous]

Thanks Brian.

With a church of volunteers and being so bad at talking about sexuality in anything but Victorian values and language, it’s kind of amazing we let leaders talk privately with youth and ask specific things.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, Heber, there is that. 🙄

Thanks, Brian. It sounds like you might have diffused a potentially difficult introduction.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Brian!

[Author]

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