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I posted this on FacesEast, but thought it might get some discussion here too. I’ve just copy/pasted it, so sorry if my intro is a repeat to those here… I’m a “seasoned” disaffected Mormon. I’m 52, BIC, RM, formerly temple-married, bishopric/acting bishop, high counselor…divorcee, and now married to a fellow disaffected Mormon. I thought I’d post a bit of my story here as it may benefit some struggling to keep their marriage alive. I say “alive,” because I think it is possible to keep a marriage together if there is the commitment to do so, but is it really alive…full of intimacy, passion, trust and deep friendship? If not, is it best to stay together…or move on? Or are there some basics of romantic relationships that we can learn and work on to “restructure” a marriage after one disaffects?
The nuts and bolts. In the early 90s, I studied with Grant Palmer as he did the research for his book “Insider’s View of Mormon Origins.” Punch line, it opened the door for me to view Mormon history as completely different than what I’d been raised to believe here in Salt Lake. It shattered my worldview. About everything. I lost all sense of morality, was angry, and dealt with it in a very unhealthy way — started drinking, partying, and became addicted to pain pills — all as a way to escape the emotional pain of not having a purpose of life that had been so clear before.
I eventually got caught, and had legal consequences that led to the temporary loss of my medical license, bankruptcy, and a major challenge in my marriage to an iron-rod, uber-TBM Mormon wife. We tried to keep the marriage together with 6 years of counseling. In the end, as the therapist asked us what we “needed” in the marriage, and got such contradicting answers, he advised us to divorce. As divorces go, it was quite amicable. About 10 years later, we have both remarried to spouses that are more alike each of us…and our four children have all done remarkably well considering the trauma I put them through.
After a few drug rehabs, I decided to become an addictions counselor for a time when I didn’t have my license. It was an amazing experience. In one job, I worked with the spouses/family members of addicts to help them put the relationships back together after rehab. The codependency was/is such a problem…often there is relapse because the true dynamics of the issue is a lack of self-worth of both the addict and the partner/parents.
I’m back doing eyes again, and life is better than ever. I think I learned some things through my journey that may benefit others. For a time, I facilitated a workshop called “LUV,” Love = Unconditional Vows…helping families/marriages that have a disaffected Mormon. Concisely, the principles I tried to teach were:
* We all have a unique story about the purpose of life; it is a valid, personal truth that evolves throughout life. It is not true or false, right or wrong…it just is. There is no need for a value judgment, but it is helpful to give another absolute respect for their journey. It is most often futile to attempt to disallow or criticize the other. Trying to “fix” the other usually leads to more agony than good. The better approach is to learn how to change oneself to accept and love others as they are.
* For true intimacy, one cannot view their partner as broken. Romantic intimacy cannot exist in stratified relationships. We must view the other as totally equal, empowered, and doing the best they can on their journey…love only exists when this attitude is present in both.
My (first) wife and I could not do that. She “needed” me to get my testimony back, and I “needed” her to understand the problems I’d learned about the church. That (codependent) attitude doomed the marriage. It wasn’t true — we really didn’t/don’t need the other to do anything. The problem is always our own — we must learn how to love what is (borrowing my friend Byron Katie’s words). This is often a challenge in Mormons, but not insurmountable.
Good luck on your “work” to keep your marriages alive!
I really appreciate this, Rix. Your life’s experience is very valuable to me. I think that one alternative and valid, life choice is just to live as a single person. I was married for 8 years to my second husband and realized that we had never spent a single Christmas Eve or Christmas Day together. On Thanksgiving, I would sometimes get a few hours of his time. I once prepared a huge Thanksgiving meal (as I always did on each Thanksgiving). He told me, “no thanks”, he’d just eat a cold turkey sandwich when he got home. Heck, I wanted him to eat my turkey while it was hot!! This was a loveless marriage that was never consummated and I felt sad that we were never able to have a child as a result.
He explained to me that in polygamy, one was not suppose to be intimate will all of the wives. I was his third wife and he had been sealed to two women in the temple before me. Even though he was legally and lawfully divorced, his temple sealings were in full-force. He spent Christmas Eve visiting wife number one and bringing her gifts. That year, it was a VCR. One “wife” had remarried and he was caught “visiting her” by her current husband.
Hey, I don’t say any of this to complain or make you guys feel sorry for me. I am single and guess what, I am actually happy. I am unable to trust Mormon men. I wish I could. I’ve tried. I can’t. |I had to discover what it felt like to be a plural wife and it is just plain lonely. Now, I go to the gym and I have won a physical fitness award – at age 51. I love yoga. I’m learning ancient Chinese Herbal Medicine and I’m going to have green tea ice cream for my birthday. The men that I trust the most are not LDS, but are very spiritual. One of them is an exiled Iranian Scientist who taught himself English by reading the Bible. He converted to Christianity, but he questions everything – everything from government to politics to religion. After being in an Iranian prison camp, he learned that it is ok to question the conduct of leaders. He accepted the reality that the faith he was taught as a child may not have been complete or 100% true. We keep the good stuff, dispose of the bad. I would love to have that with an LDS man, but I can’t.
MWallace57 😮 
I love the post but I have nothing great to say at the moment.
Thanks for the post! It is so easy to become disconnected when life happens. This is my favorite part:
Rix wrote:I’m back doing eyes again, and life is better than ever.
Well done, Rix! Thanks for sharing.
I think you learned a lot of wise things from your life experience. Thank you for sharing those things.
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