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It’s been a bit since one of Kirby’s columns really reached me, but this time he nailed it. https://www.sltrib.com/opinion/kirby/2018/05/19/kirby-no-scouting-but-mormons-still-can-earn-merit-badges-for-having-lots-of-babies-serving-missions-wearing-white-shirts-and-more/ ” class=”bbcode_url”> https://www.sltrib.com/opinion/kirby/2018/05/19/kirby-no-scouting-but-mormons-still-can-earn-merit-badges-for-having-lots-of-babies-serving-missions-wearing-white-shirts-and-more/ Quote:Just because we’re leaving the Boy Scouts doesn’t mean we’re giving up our visible symbols of achievement.
Quote:While the Procreation Merit Badge has diminished in popularity through the years, there still are Mormons rude enough to inquire as to when a couple are going to get serious about earning it.
“Goodness, where are all your children? You should have at least six by now. There are spirits in heaven just waiting, you know.”
I have seen/heard the above in my own ward as recently as last year. It goes right along with “When are you putting in your mission papers?” and “When are you going to get married?” (the latter usually asked within 6 months of returning from a mission and pretty much weekly thereafter).
Quote:Here are other merit badges we prominently display: Married in the Temple, Returned Missionary, The White Shirt, Well-Behaved Offspring, Former Bishop/High Councilman, General Authority Association, and Handcart Genealogy.
I’m hoping to earn that
formerhigh councilman badge soon. Quote:“I’ve been a bishop and a stake patriarch.”
Admittedly, there was a time when that last one impressed me, back when I automatically interpreted such claims as signs of elevated worthiness.
I stopped thinking that way the first time I had to reply, “Well, you’re under arrest anyway.”
😆 :clap: Quote:What we need now are different merit badges: LGBTQ and Active Badge, Never Married and Happy Badge, Interracial Marriage Badge, and, one I hope everyone will want, a Different Kind of Mormon Badge.
I would add the “Accomplished Professional Woman” badge.
To be completely honest, this article felt like the media sensationalizing (no offense to DJ). Most of the things mentioned, from having children, getting married, etc are either folks making small talk, or tounge-in-cheek teasing. I’m not saying it’s tactful, but there’s a difference betwen lack of social grace, and passing judgement on others. DarkJedi wrote:
What we need now are different merit badges: LGBTQ and Active Badge, Never Married and Happy Badge, Interracial Marriage Badge, and, one I hope everyone will want, a Different Kind of Mormon Badge.I would add the “Accomplished Professional Woman” badge.
To me, this feels like “tokenism” more than anything. Praising someone on account of their sexual-orientation, marital status, race, or gender feels hollow. I’m a “different kind of Mormon”, but I don’t want to be praised for it. I just want to be accepted, and treated like any other member of the Church.
No offense taken and none intended. Quote:I’m a “different kind of Mormon”, but I don’t want to be praised for it. I just want to be accepted, and treated like any other member of the Church.
Actually I think that’s exactly what Kirby is trying to say.
I don’t think most of the “When are you going to serve a mission/get married/have kids?” stuff is small talk. I think it’s the bad side of our culture, which again is a point Kirby is trying to make. What difference does it make if I am (hopefully soon was) a high councilor? Or that two of my sons were Eagles (noting that the other wasn’t)? All my kids did go to BYU. So what? That doesn’t make me any better than anyone else. But there are too many people in the church that think it does, usually applied to themselves. I think this column is really about two things combined – our prideful culture. It’s OK for me to be proud of my two Eagle sons, they accomplished a lot and it was hard. (And I will state outright that I am also proud of my other son and my daughter.) That kind of pride is great. It’s a problem when it ends with “so I’m better than you.”
DarkJedi wrote:
It’s a problem when it ends with “so I’m better than you.”
I gave it another read, and I liked it better the second time around. You’re right. We’ve got a big problem with position pride/envy, whether it’s hitting the milestones, having a certain income, or holding a particular calling.
I remember feeling like crap, back several years after I got home from my mission, seeing all my friends get married, and hearing those conference talks on how we need to take the initiative to get married… it made me feel like crap. But I also remember when I got married, and later became a parent, how awesome it was! It wasn’t that I felt I was better than anyone else, or that I had checked another box. I love being a Dad! I wish everyone could have the happiness that marriage and parenthood has brought me. I think a lot of the Church’s teachings are based around building that happiness; but it does leave a lot of people feeling crappy, whether its because they made different choices (which should be respected), or were unfortunate.
How do you think we could solve this pride/envy issue?
I would like the “happier in other service organizations” badge. How about the “weird but useful guy at the back” badge. I hold a respectable calling, but certain members still give me a wde berth. They need a “surviving mental health illness” merit badge at 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, and 20 years. With sub-badges for “Spouse”, “teenage child”, and specific crises. Also a “survived transitional life experience” including being unemployed, losing a child to death, losing a parent to death, PTSD-triggering experiences.
Oh – about that “professional woman” one – also includes always looking great…
And there would be at least one inter decorating badge, 1 always contributing a healthy meal to a potluck badge, a best chili recipe badge…
I know the “professional woman” one is hard to articulate. What I mean is there should be a new badge so it’s OK to be a professional woman. We have three fairly prominent professional women in our stake (there are probably more I don’t know about). One is a divorced mother with one child. She’s a college professor. Another has a few children (2 or 3?) and is a doctor. She is married, I don’t know what her husband does. The third never married and has no children. She is a hospital administrator. In our stake outside the Corridor, these women are very highly respected and hold “big” callings – but that is under our current SP who is fairly progressive (and the father of three daughters) and actually does want YW to understand that it’s OK to be educated and employed. SamBee wrote:How about the “weird but useful guy at the back” badge. I hold a respectable calling, but certain members still give me a wide berth.
I don’t know that I’m all that weird, but others would probably disagree. I do likewise hold a respectable calling and there are some who likewise give me wide berth.
I was senior companion 15 months of my 18 month mission (including to a senior sister 40 years older than myself – that was rough). I have also served as a Primary teacher in various age groups for a good 10 years. There have been times of flakiness church-wise, but never “big” callings. I always figured that others needed (or were more qualified for) the “big” calling more than myself. In the last year, I figured out that maybe I was too left field in terns of brain wiring, gospel understanding and social connections to have garnered whatever it was that was required for the “big” callings. The more cynical side of me wonders if I got the “little” callings because I would accept them where others got the “big” callings because they could not accept little ones. In my heart of hearts, I care a little, or technically my pride cares. But overall, I believe in serving where you feel “called” to serve, and I am too busy with my own life to let it really matter. One of the lessons that the great myths have taught me is that if you get all hung up in the title you bear instead of the quest you are one, it corrupts your actions and defeats the quest (Lord of the Rings comes to mind). Sam did not become the best friend and side kick because of the title – he became that first, the title/label came later. If he had became the best friend/side kick because of the title, he probably would have faltered and the quest could have fallen apart.
dande48 wrote:How do you think we could solve this pride/envy issue?
Great question. I wish I knew the answer. There have actually been a couple recent general conference talks on the issue but those don’t seem to be the ones we talk about in EQ. I will give yesterday’s HC speaker a kudo for mentioning the idea that being in the “true church” doesn’t make us better than anyone else (his talk was on repentance but he was talking about the atonement of Christ at that point).
I like to give most people the benefit of the doubt and I don’t think they always recognize how they sound or appear. In the context of culture I don’t think most of them see anything wrong with asking about missions, marriage or children because they see those things (rightly or wrongly) as a cultural expectation. Personally I think those things are nobody’s business. The reference I made earlier to having heard someone asking a young married couple about children I happen to know was a sore subject for them – they have been trying to have children. And I don;t think any of them see anythoing wrong with listing their accomplishments and in some circumstances that’s perfectly proper. On the other hand, even with the benefit of the doubt, I’m pretty sure some people are asking just to see if the askee is meeting some sort of “righteousness” test. (Like the former First Presidency, none of the current FP members served missions – are they “less righteous?”) And I’m also sure some people are listing their accomplishments (all kids served missions and/or married in the temple or served as EQP, bishop and SP) as a matter of “I’m better or more righteous than the rest of you.”
I do know what apparently doesn’t work – GA or sacrament meeting talks and EQ/RS lessons. Somehow it must be that those who are guilty think it doesn’t apply to them.
DarkJedi wrote:
I do know what apparently doesn’t work – GA or sacrament meeting talks and EQ/RS lessons. Somehow it must be that those who are guilty think it doesn’t apply to them.
I hear that. Unfortunately, I don’t know if there is a more effective solution out there. If there is, I think it’ll take a while to get there. Unfortunately, people are largely self-focused. They have a need to feel proud and commended for what they’ve accomplished, even if it’s a result of so many things outside their control. And people are so much in the habit of comparing themselves to others, of wanting to be recognized, and to be “successful” (however they define it). No matter how many talks or lessons on humility, most people will walk away feeling proud of how humble they are. The few who take it to heart, will feel ashamed of how humble they are not, which will cause them to feel humble, which will make them feel just as proud.
I think nothing less than a doctrine shift would fix this. Currently, we have a strong Zionist, social justice, merit based, “saved after all we can do”, dietetic. We need more of a focus on how we are completely 100% saved by Grace, how terribly we all fall short of meriting anything in this life, and how life is at its core grossly unfair. There is no building up of a true Zion in this world until the Savior returns. We can’t hope for redemption or any sort of fairness until we are brought before the judgement bar.
Which is why, I think giving out “merit badges” to everyone for their particular accomplishments is not going to anything but exacerbate the problem. People don’t need to be patted on the back and told they are special. What we need is for everyone to be told, that they (and everyone around them, including the Q15) are deeply flawed and broken individuals. Not in every way, but in some ways so severe, we are a
graveburden to those around us. It’s not so much that everyone has their own “merit”, but really that none of us “merit” anything at all. We are loved by God and saved through His grace, not because there is anything lovable or “good” about us, but because He chooses to love us anyways. I think it would require a seismic shift. We’d have to axe this notion of “worthiness” that we’ve placed front and center in our culture. I don’t go one Sunday without hearing about worthiness, not one. Worthy to receive revelation. Worthy to receive blessings. Worthy to go to the temple. We are sealed at the hip to the concept of a just god, and focus on our brand of justice so much that there’s no room left for grace. To be blunt, under the current culture, grace is not “fair.” Hand in hand with a fixation on worthiness… belief in some permutation of the prosperity gospel.
I agree with you both, Dande and Nibbler. Quote:Unfortunately, people are largely self-focused. They have a need to feel proud and commended for what they’ve accomplished, even if it’s a result of so many things outside their control. And people are so much in the habit of comparing themselves to others, of wanting to be recognized, and to be “successful” (however they define it). No matter how many talks or lessons on humility, most people will walk away feeling proud of how humble they are. The few who take it to heart, will feel ashamed of how humble they are not, which will cause them to feel humble, which will make them feel just as proud.
I think this is mostly a product of our society/culture as a whole. We get promoted at work, win awards, etc. It becomes all about these things and that slops over into the church, which is not really supposed to be set up that way. That is, one can be bishop today and nursery leader tomorrow – neither is a promotion or demotion. I think there is some general understanding of this, but it’s also like “Catholics teach that the pope is infallible but none of them believe that; Mormons teach the prophet is not infallible but none of them believe that.”
Quote:We’d have to axe this notion of “worthiness” that we’ve placed front and center in our culture. I don’t go one Sunday without hearing about worthiness, not one. Worthy to receive revelation. Worthy to receive blessings. Worthy to go to the temple. We are sealed at the hip to the concept of a just god, and focus on our brand of justice so much that there’s no room left for grace.
I hear that – it even permeates our sacrament hymns. Sad in my opinion.
DarkJedi wrote:
I think this is mostly a product of our society/culture as a whole. We get promoted at work, win awards, etc. It becomes all about these things and that slops over into the church, which is not really supposed to be set up that way.
So true. It’s tough to tell the difference, between what’s Western ideology (meritocracy, a just social order) seeping into our doctrine, and what is really of Christ.
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