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My daughter came out with something the other day that made me realize something. When she learns who I REALLY AM, she’s going to be really deflated. She has me on this huge pedestal. But when she learns I’m not what she thinks I am, I’m afraid it’ll rock her world. Any advice on how to deal with this phenomenon of children putting you on a pedestal you don’t deserve? Quote:She has me on this huge pedestal. But when she learns I’m not what she thinks I am, I’m afraid it’ll rock her world.
How old is your daughter? As a mother of teenagers I can attest that you are going to be off the pedestal at some point. It is really painful for them and for you, but it comes as a result of growing up one way or another.
I think the main thing is to go bit by bit. In discussing the church with my children, I never say what my doubts are, but rather statements of things I believe. This sometimes goes against what they are taught in church and they know it, and I let them resolve that bit by bit.
In teaching lessons and scripture study, I focus on things I do believe, and let them go ahead with what they have. I don’t know if this will work, but I’m hoping for the best.
What Rebecca said. Part of being a parent (except for the really bad ones) is being put on a pedestal. Part of being a parent (even for the really good ones) is being taken off that pedestal to some degree. Part of being a good parent is allowing that to happen and actually encouraging children to be able to think about and see things differently than I do.
I’ve tried to do that with my kids from a pretty early age. I’ve shared different perspectives with them, and I’ve talked openly about how I like and respect many different views and beliefs. I’ve told them that I want them to study in college whatever they want to study – and I’ve told them it’s fine to change their mind. I’ve told them what I think when they’ve asked, but I try to follow that up with, “What do you think?” (or, ideally, that process in reverse, asking them first what they think – then validating their opinion – then offering my own – then reiterating that I just want them to figure out what they believe) I’ve shown them that I can support and sustain church leaders even when I disagree with them – and that I can do so from local leaders all the way up to apostles.
Children have a natural love for their parents, even bad parents. I doubt you are that bad. Really. Just watch some daytime TV talk shows. Children also learn we are human over time. That is natural too, and healthy. I try to let my older kids know sometimes that I am just doing my best and sometimes get things wrong. They’ve expressed appreciation for that. I think it helps them feel less intimidated about adult life, and also helps them manage their expectations.
I agree with Brian. This is apart of the maturing process to realize that life in general works this way, including knowing your parents are they really are…or the church as it really is, for that matter. It ends up being more about the child and their perceptions of reality, that they must learn to see things in an adult world…when they’re ready to. More important than if you live up to her expectations is if you just love her and she knows that so deeply that learning new things about you will only enhance the relationship. When she sees the imperfect you, and still sees your efforts, she could have a more profound respect that is based on reality, not hopes of perfection (unless you have a hidden closet with really freaky things hidden inside…in which case…clean those out now before she finds them! 🙂 )Just something to consider: One of the reasons Nephi is one of my favorite prophets is 2 Nephi 4.
One of the reasons I really like Joseph Smith is that he is BY FAR the most chastized person in the D&C.
I don’t want my kids to see me mythologically, even as I hope they respect me and try to internalize my good qualities. I want them to see and know ME – who “I am”. I want that recognition to help them develop and accept their own “I am”.
How about this for pedestal-knocking: Joseph Smith wrote:Many persons think a prophet must be a great deal better than anybody else…
I love that man better who swears a stream as long as my arm yet deals justice to his neighbors and mercifully deals his substance to the poor, than the long, smooth-faced hypocrite.
I do not want you to think that I am righteous, for I am not…
I am like a huge, rough stone rolling….
History of the Church, v5 p401I took my 13 year old son to Canada with me two weeks ago. I gave a sacrament talk and fireside in this canadian ward. The fireside was on faith Crisis and I spoke truthfully there about my own struggles at times. I think it was good for my son to hear it. That not everything is perfect and is easy. That even as a parent I struggle in my faith. You be you, and 99% of the time our kids will love us for it.
SilentDawning wrote:My daughter came out with something the other day that made me realize something. When she learns who I REALLY AM, she’s going to be really deflated. She has me on this huge pedestal. But when she learns I’m not what she thinks I am, I’m afraid it’ll rock her world. Any advice on how to deal with this phenomenon of children putting you on a pedestal you don’t deserve?
When your daughter learns who you REALLY are, it WILL rock her world, because she will be overcome by the beauty and humanity of the person that you are. Unfortunately, I think it’s seldom that we ever really get to know and appreciate ourselves, let alone those around us.
What is this pedestal of which you speak? I am pretty sure I’ve never been on it. I sent a PM on that one…. I have found when I am honest and forth right with my kids and let them know that I don’t have all the answers that when I have fallen off one pedestal I usually land on another one. It’s not the same one but still they know that they can trust me and that I am alright too if they have questions or doubts or aren’t perfect. Your kids think that they want perfect parents but when they get older the will be glad that they have parents who trusted them enough to let them see all sides of you. Didn’t most of here feel anger when we found that the church wasn’t 100% honest with us and we felt like every thing was white washed? I think people can deal with the truth better than deal with untruths being portrayed as being true. Just my opinion.
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