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Mine are crossed, too. Reuben, this is really really good. I am hopeful and very impressed by your work here. I particularly like this part: Quote:Ministering to members who experience a faith crisis has three main objectives:
-Help them become emotionally and spiritually healthy again.
-Help preserve their family relationships.
-Avoid squeezing them out of the Church, or turning them against the Church.
These are explicitly not objectives:
-Convince them that their lack of belief or new beliefs are wrong.
-Help them stay active in the Church.
It’s such a temptation to try to remedy this stuff, but too often we poison the well in doing so. People have to find their own way, and they can only do that if they know they are loved for themselves, and not for their “alignment” with our beliefs. A good friend of mine and I were catching up recently on the phone. We have sons the same age but his is a returned missionary, newly married. Mine is out of the church and lives with his girlfriend. I know my feeling is that it’s his life and he will always be my son who I’m proud of and love, but I wasn’t sure what my friend would say or think. Would he think he’s a better parent, that my son’s not a good person, that I’m not a good person? But in any case, my momentary insecurity was misplaced. My friend’s response was just what mine is. My son’s life is his own path, his own journey, and he’s still a great person; he’s still a byproduct of my parenting. He’s still living a great life, and that’s what we hope for as parents. We hope our children are happy and productive members of society. My friend & his wife will become mission president(s) this summer, and those are going to be some lucky missionaries!
hawkgrrrl wrote:Reuben, this is really really good. I am hopeful and very impressed by your work here. I particularly like this part:
Quote:Ministering to members who experience a faith crisis has three main objectives:
-Help them become emotionally and spiritually healthy again.
-Help preserve their family relationships.
-Avoid squeezing them out of the Church, or turning them against the Church.
These are explicitly not objectives:
-Convince them that their lack of belief or new beliefs are wrong.
-Help them stay active in the Church.
It’s such a temptation to try to remedy this stuff, but too often we poison the well in doing so. People have to find their own way, and they can only do that if they know they are loved for themselves, and not for their “alignment” with our beliefs. A good friend of mine and I were catching up recently on the phone. We have sons the same age but his is a returned missionary, newly married. Mine is out of the church and lives with his girlfriend. I know my feeling is that it’s his life and he will always be my son who I’m proud of and love, but I wasn’t sure what my friend would say or think. Would he think he’s a better parent, that my son’s not a good person, that I’m not a good person? But in any case, my momentary insecurity was misplaced. My friend’s response was just what mine is. My son’s life is his own path, his own journey, and he’s still a great person; he’s still a byproduct of my parenting. He’s still living a great life, and that’s what we hope for as parents. We hope our children are happy and productive members of society. My friend & his wife will become mission president(s) this summer, and those are going to be some lucky missionaries!
Great point Hawkgrrrl. I so often think that what some people in the church are trying to do is “fix” those who are on their own chosen path and really are not broken. (Think about that in the context of the judging thread.) My daughter is also inactive and spends several nights per week at her boyfriend’s or vice versa. Nevertheless, she’s a great young woman who stands up for what she believes in and who I believe will do some great things in her community and perhaps even society as a whole. The church definitely needs more people who can see and accept people for who they are and who they want to be as opposed to measuring them by a rather arbitrary yardstick of serving a mission, marrying in the temple, etc.
Most people (in all religions and even outside of religion) believe there is one right path for everyone, so they spend their time and energy trying to convince others to walk the same path they are walking. I believe there might be one right path for each person, and that each right path leads to God (and that nobody can see clearly the right path for someone else – or, often, for themselves). In that light, I believe all roads lead to Mt. Fuji – because I believe in a truly loving Father-God.
Thanks so much again, everyone, for your feedback and ideas. The proposal is so much better for it. In fact… Update:I received an email last night from the bishop thanking me for the proposal and its good ideas, and saying that he’d like to implement it within the home and visiting teaching programsand that the bishopric may ask for my help. One counselor pushed for it, I know from an email last week that the other counselor thinks it’s great, and the bishop wants to do it. Looks like this is happening.
Let the good work begin!
Reuben wrote:
Thanks so much again, everyone, for your feedback and ideas. The proposal is so much better for it. In fact…Update:I received an email last night from the bishop thanking me for the proposal and its good ideas, and saying that he’d like to implement it within the home and visiting teaching programsand that the bishopric may ask for my help. One counselor pushed for it, I know from an email last week that the other counselor thinks it’s great, and the bishop wants to do it. Looks like this is happening.
Let the good work begin!
Great news! I hope it works.
:thumbup: Great news. Goes with out saying, but keep us posted. I wonder if at some point it is worth putting this out to a wider audience.
Awesome to read. Just remember: If it doesn’t go as you hope within that setting, don’t be crushed. If it works, great; if not, see if you can recast it in another format. (perhaps as a special Sunday School class)
LookingHard wrote:
Great news. Goes with out saying, but keep us posted.I wonder if at some point it is worth putting this out to a wider audience.
Yes. I’ve already started asking a few friends privately for feedback, but I want to pilot it in my ward for a while before I do anything intended to disseminate it more widely. The best time to introduce it to the stake would be after attendance numbers clearly rise and we get a handful of success stories. (Assuming that happens. If it does, our crazy area-wide goal of doubling sacrament meeting attendance by 2020 might help with acceptance.) As for disseminating it more publicly… well, I’ll probably use similar criteria. I don’t know how long it might take, but I’ll be watching for signs and keeping everyone here updated.
Update: One thing I didn’t mention last week is that I came out to the bishopric counselor I’ve been working with and told him he could use my faith crisis and how it affects me as leverage if he needs to. He didn’t need to, so I didn’t mention it here. When I met with the bishop last night, I discovered he already knew – and everything was fine. In fact, allow me to state for the record that our bishop is a wonderful, compassionate man who cares very deeply about everyone regardless of what they believe. I won at leadership roulette.
I told him almost everything, at a high level of detail. I think it was helpful for him to put a face to the ideas so that they’re not so abstract. I think it was also helpful for him to know that most of the background information on faith crises in the proposal comes from other people’s experiences rather than just mine.
He finds the analogy between a faith crisis and the death of a loved one to be the most helpful way to understand it without having experienced it himself.
He was perfectly happy with my testimony based on what I find inspiring and good in the gospel.
He was clearly troubled by the idea that members who experience a faith crisis have good reasons to be afraid to talk to their bishops about it. He asked a lot of questions about this, and I sensed a great deal of sadness from him while we talked.
He listened carefully and without judgment. In fact, he followed the proposal’s suggestions for bishops to the letter. It was wonderful.
It gets even better: not only does he want to implement the proposed changes exactly as they are, but he wants me to take 10-15 minutes to teach about faith crises and how to help members who experience one in April’s 5th Sunday lesson! (I won’t be outing myself, though.) It’ll be part of HT/VT training that also addresses mental illness, boundaries, and other tough subjects. The idea isn’t to turn everyone into faith crisis consultants, but to raise awareness and give members enough general knowledge to know a bit of what to do and know when to seek help. He thinks of regular HTs/VTs as being like family doctors, and the bishopric and people like faith crisis consultants as specialists.
I’ll make a separate post asking for ideas later, because y’all are so friggin’ wise that I’d be an idiot not to.
That is so awesome Reuben! Already better than I had hoped. Interesting the reaction you are receiving. So you are not in Utah county – right? 
LookingHard wrote:
Interesting the reaction you are receiving. So you are not in Utah county – right?
:lolno: Europe, in a city with a lot of academics. We have a good mix of liberal and conservative Mormons, but the ward leans liberal. The rest of the stake leans conservative.
I’ve decided that liberal Mormonism does more good than harm. I don’t know about conservative Mormonism yet.
Reuben wrote:
LookingHard wrote:
Interesting the reaction you are receiving. So you are not in Utah county – right?
:lolno: Europe, in a city with a lot of academics. We have a good mix of liberal and conservative Mormons, but the ward leans liberal. The rest of the stake leans conservative.
I’ve decided that liberal Mormonism does more good than harm. I don’t know about conservative Mormonism yet.
Funny how the church is more true in some places than in others!
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