- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
I know I don’t need anyone’s approval/permission, but I’m just asking what your overall or specific feeling(s)/takeaway is from this as I don’t want to misrepresent myself and I want to be respectful to recipients, all of whom are (to my knowledge) TBM. I want to express myself confidently, concisely and compassionately, neither groveling for approval nor arrogant. Feel free to leave comments. Thanks! Hi There,
I write to let you know some things that have weighed heavily on my mind and heart over the past few months.
I have been fearful of sharing this with you as the concept of a relationship with you outside the context of Mormonism feels uncertain and frightening to me. In other words, I fear your judgment, your pity, your disapproval, your rejection, but I feel more strongly the need to be true to my experience up to this point and to express myself with integrity if I am to attempt to further an honest relationship with you, an individual I care about very much. Vulnerability, to me, is an important part of a trusting and true connection.
I no longer believe the LDS Church is what it purports to be. That may be hurtful to you, but please know I do not hold or share this view to cause hurt, nor did I ever expect in a million years, in my wildest dreams, to draw this conclusion for myself. I did not ask to come to this; I feel like it “happened” to me, and it has been a terribly heartbreaking and grievous process for me.
I am not going to go through all the reasons as to why I don’t believe in the Mormon Church as I used to, nor am I going to bash your faith or attempt to sway you in a direction opposite of your belief. If you are curious about what led me to this place and want to discuss certain topics or ask me questions, I am happy to do that in private conversation, but I’m not going to impose my views on you as I have never wished others to impose their views upon me, both currently and when I was a true-believing Mormon. I have maintained that anyone trying to sway me one way or the other for or against Mormonism is a personal “red flag” for me. I’ve tried to focus my decision as based on my relationship between God and myself.
My purpose in writing this is to “come out of the closet” about the fact that I am not a true believer anymore. Suffice it to say, I haven’t removed my records from the Church and don’t currently have plans to do so, but I haven’t attended church in several months because it hasn’t felt safe/right for me and I currently don’t plan to go back. I can’t believe I’m here. I didn’t ask for it and I have feared that my family will think I’ve come to this as a result of committing gross sin and trying to justify bad decisions when I am really working to live in honesty and by spiritual principles. I have my own issues with/questions about doctrinal truth, not moral living or good people. I still believe in God, goodness, prayer, service, morality, marriage and family, among many other principles. I don’t discount the wonderful things the Church has given me and enabled me to do, or even the beautiful spiritual experiences I’ve enjoyed as part of my membership, but I also don’t regard it as the ultimate way/truth for ME personally as I used to. Again, I emphasize that I do not want to harm anyone’s faith or break anyone’s heart. If you’ve felt I’ve avoided or been only “surface-y” with you as of late, I’m so sorry. I have distanced myself out of fear of rejection and heartache on my end and yours. It feels weird. I have hope that I’ll work out my insecurities in time.
I also want you to know that I’m doing really well! I’ve been focused on spiritual and emotional work and I’ve made progress, which has helped my eating disorder/mental and physical health tremendously. Even amid setbacks has emerged greater self-compassion, self-patience and self-love than ever before in my life (in and of itself, a miracle) that has really helped me grow and contribute more to life and feel more connected to God. I’m learning to trust process, and even though it’s been heartbreaking to distance myself from Mormonism it feels like the right thing for me to do at this time.
Please know that, although my personal views have changed, I do not look down on you or judge you for whatever religious or spiritual beliefs you hold. I respect you and trust that YOU are inherently good and making good decisions in your life, just like I am trying to do in my own. I still cheer you on in your journey, your convictions, hopes and dreams, and I would love to have a relationship with you!
I understand, truly, if you feel upset or sad or disappointed in my decision, if you think I’m crazy, “deceived,” “lost,” or damned, and subsequently feel wary to hang out with me. Those are your feelings and I’ll honor them, and I’ll never try to force a relationship that doesn’t feel mutually safe and sincere. Regardless of outcomes, please know I have shared this information out of my feelings of love and desire to express myself honestly to you and not with any ill intent or other agenda. I’ve never known you outside of the Mormon context, so things between us may feel awkward or messy for a little while, maybe forever, but I hope that we can continue an enriching relationship and both feel free to be ourselves around each other with mutual respect, trust, openness and love.
With Love and Hope for Understanding,
Me
So beautifully stated. That is the letter I wish I could send. I would fear the repercussions. It will be interesting to read the feedback you get from the group.
Best wishes.
Sometimes I am very blunt here. While your letter is beautifully written, I fear no good will come of it. However, I am not you nor do we share family. If you feel and believe this will be helpful, by all means do it – but beware that you will also be judged despite asking not to be. Uncertain, I’ll tell you up front that I don’t think you should send this letter or any letter. I’ll try to explain why, but I’ll caveat it with saying that, just like you said, you don’t need the permission of anyone here, and if you feel it is right, you should go ahead. Also, I’m going to be pretty straight-forward in my explanation. I hope not to offend you. We have a shared experience because of our Faith Crisis, and I want us to be sources of strength for each other. I don’t think you have done anything wrong. I get that this has all happened to you. Just remember that’s it’s impossible to put the toothpaste back in the tube, so my direct response is aimed solely at preventing you from making a decision you might later regret. Eyes-wide-open is the only way to approach such a landmark decision…
I do understand the desire to explain. I also understand how cathartic it can be to write out this kind of letter. I wrote one at one point long ago, but never sent it. Writing it was all I needed. That’s kind of my experience here at StayLDS, BTW. I feel that as I write, I’m able to express thoughts and feelings in a venue that isn’t available for me in any other place.
Having said that, I don’t believe in “coming out” via a declaration like a letter or a facebook post. No letter will every properly convey your feelings. The more you work on clarity of wording and careful terminology, the less of you is present. The more people try to find the exact words, the more the words take over and become a soul-less apparition. I know that runs contrary to our “connected” lives, but there it is.
Additionally, the topic is too charged to be handled without stepping on landmines. I’ll give you quick comparison. I am completely in favor of same-sex marriage. Having said that, I have to admit that I’m disturbed by the Supreme Court decision this week. It’s the right ends but the wrong means. My opinion is that the SCOTUS overstepped grossly. But if I voice that opinion, I’ll be shouted down as a homophobic hater who is opposed to SSM. Nothing could be further from the truth. I would be talking about decocracy, states rights, the role of the supreme court, and the right ways to get these concepts into our constitution, etc. If the topic where less charged, we might be able to have an intellectual discussion about it. But the topic is charged. There is no way to separate out the discussion of the ruling from the thing it ruled upon. People who see the ruling as right will dismiss me and people who see the ruling as immoral will agree with me for the wrong reasons. So, there is no point in even bringing it up. No matter how I would hope to see the discussion unfolding, I will be frustrated. I just have to throw up my hands and walk away.
Here’s the really important concept: you have worded your letter beautifully, but it still contains inevitable key points that cannot be read in any other way than as an assertion that the Church is not true and that you (in contrast to your audience) have come to knowledge of that.
I want you to imagine that that someone at your workplace is leaving (for any reason) and that they send a similarly-worded letter out to the whole company on their last day. What would people think about that? Here are key elements that they would see in the letter: 1- This company is not what it purports to be, 2- In order to be true to myself, I cannot in good conscience continue to work here, it just isn’t right or safe here 3- I hope you don’t think I was fired, because believe me, I’m quitting of my own volition 4- I’ve really been happy since I made the decision to quit 5- if any of you want to find out why this company has these issues, I’d be happy to answer your questions privately 6- I completely understand why you want to stay here at this company. I hope you can see that such an email would not be seen in a positive light.
So, what DO I recommend? Talk to the people you care most about. Convey the same basic message that you have put together, but increase the parts about loving them, about your search to be a good person, about what you do believe, about your acceptance and celebration of their beliefs, and completely ditch the parts about how you aren’t a sinner or deceived. True friends will know that you are leaving for faith reasons. Anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t worth your time. This is a tough one, I know, but you have to find a way not to worry about what other people think about your motives. Show them, with increased love, with devotion to whatever you believe in now, and with respect (not mutual respect; one-way respect) for the things that they hold most dear. You will gain respect by first showing it. Finally, I encourage you to take the initiative in the relationships you want to continue. You are the one who has changed, not them, so it’s not really fair to tell them that the ball is in their court when it comes to your relationship (which you have done by expressing desire for it, but then outlying conditions for it).
The most important guiding principle is to treat them the way that you hope they treat you. Not the way they treat you or that you expect they will treat you, but the way you hope they treat you. For every copy of this letter that you are considering sending out, do you hope to receive a letter of similar length expounding that person’s desire to stay in the Church? With their stated purpose being to bare their testimony (opposite of coming out of the closet)? Their belief that the Church is what it purports to be? How it is safe and right to be there? How if you ever want to talk about the truthfulness of the Church, let them know and they’d be happy to talk to you? How, they have found increased happiness in the Church? How they hope you can still have a relationship, but that they’ll let you decide and that they are only interested if it can be on the basis of mutual respect? Seriously, now, how would you feel about receiving dozens of letters like that?
Those are all reasons to pause before sending out a letter. I do recognize that there are also lots of reasons to go ahead with it. My voice is just one data point in your evaluation. No matter what you choose to do, I hope you find peace. Faith Crisis is such an all-encompassing trauma that only those who have experienced it can truly understand. I’ve found this site to be so helpful and I hope to see you here and hear from you in the future.
DarkJedi wrote:Sometimes I am very blunt here. While your letter is beautifully written, I fear no good will come of it. However, I am not you nor do we share family. If you feel and believe this will be helpful, by all means do it – but beware that you will also be judged despite asking not to be.
I agree with DJ. I would not send it because it WILL lead to a host of negative consequences. It’s better to learn to be ambiguous, and to preserve relationships in spite of your unorthodoxy — which in your case, may be a feasible euphimism for non-believer. I would not let the church come between you and your family relationships, which are more important.
You can read threads here about dealing with the authenticity issue. Instead of focusing on your non-belief to your family, be authentic in your desire to preserve relationships, to learn to nuance your position in a way that doesn’t offend them, etcetera.
That’s my two cents. And worth every penny
.I will concur with everyone else – Don’t send it. Writing it is good. Write it 100 times, but don’t send it. I tried to find the link to a piece Michael Barker wrote at Rational Faiths – basically he did write and send the letter, his family didn’t totally disown him, but the gap is huge. Both he and his brother went through a crisis – Michael was bold wrote the letter, Paul was quieter. Michael said his step mom now says, “Thanks for calling, it was good to hear from you.” When they end a phone call. No more does he hear, “I love you.” They do still talk, but are no where near what they once were.
This podcast also may give you some thoughts. Listen carefully to the parents. I think they were very brave for coming on representing their side.
http://mormonmatters.org/2015/05/12/279-280-mutual-respect-creating-healthy-relationships-when-loved-ones-choose-a-different-faith-path/ ” class=”bbcode_url”> http://mormonmatters.org/2015/05/12/279-280-mutual-respect-creating-healthy-relationships-when-loved-ones-choose-a-different-faith-path/ As you have said, it is yours. We always be here. And feel free to vent here for a while first and see if you can work through stuff before you step outside.
My approach has basically been a version of this: Uncertain wrote:I haven’t attended church in several months because it hasn’t felt safe/right for me.
It’s hard for people to argue with that. There’s a line between being authentic and sharing too much information; I don’t believe sending a letter will help in the long run.
On Own Now wrote:So, what DO I recommend? Talk to the people you care most about. Convey the same basic message that you have put together, but increase the parts about loving them, about your search to be a good person, about what you do believe, about your acceptance and celebration of their beliefs, and completely ditch the parts about how you aren’t a sinner or deceived. True friends will know that you are leaving for faith reasons. Anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t worth your time. This is a tough one, I know, but you have to find a way not to worry about what other people think about your motives. Show them, with increased love, with devotion to whatever you believe in now, and with respect (not mutual respect; one-way respect) for the things that they hold most dear. You will gain respect by first showing it. Finally, I encourage you to take the initiative in the relationships you want to continue. You are the one who has changed, not them, so it’s not really fair to tell them that the ball is in their court when it comes to your relationship (which you have done by expressing desire for it, but then outlying conditions for it).
This is the heart of my feeling on this. You have here a very nice and thoughtful form letter. I think those that are not close to you will judge you anyway and those that are close to you may be hurt that you chose such an impersonal medium. Even a personal handwritten letter is likely to cause problems. In my wife’s family there are decades long discord that was started with a letter. As difficult as sending this letter may be I believe it would be even more difficult to talk to people one on one. Tell them that you are no longer a believer and do not want to go into reasons out of respect for your different beliefs but hope to continue a friendship. I can only imagine doing so with one or two people myself – the rest just have no interest/right to know the details of my personal life.
OTOH it sounds like you may feel like you need this letter as your own personal closure. If that is the case then do what feels right but beware of unintended consequences.
I agree with everyone else, but I want to add one sincere question: Is this letter the easier option for you, when compared with talking with someone in person?
If so, you are using the letter to avoid SEEING what you believe will happen – and, in so doing, are probably guaranteeing it will, in fact, happen. If so, your motive is to avoid as much pain as possible, even if that means inflicting more pain on everyone else. If it really is critical for you to explain your current situation, the responsible thing is to do it face-to-face – so you can address concerns but also exchange hugs and smiles and kisses and visible expressions of love.
Letters canot convey those things, so they be read analytically and more coldly than you want. It is amazing how much good a hug and tears and visible love can do in difficult situations.
Thank you all for your input. I still haven’t sent the letter and due to your cautioning responses I’ve completely reconsidered doing so. I feel like explaining in person would make me feel so much shame and fear on the spot that I would lose my words and not be able to speak. If I’m feeling that much fear, it’s probably not a great idea to send the letter anyway. It did feel good to write it out though. Maybe I will take that suggestion to write it 100 times and never send it. 
I would consider not telling them at all, though, even verbally, for the reasons many of us have given…. Uncertain – I can definitely identify with your motivation for sending a letter. It might be really valuable, though, to write the letter again in a month, in three months, six….and see what changes. I know I wouldn’t write the same letter now as two years ago and seeing how I’ve changed has helped me. That’s not me committing to anything long-term, just me realizing that I’m better off having not acted on my feelings at that one moment in time. Good luck. We’re here for each other.
There was a day when I wanted to send a similar letter, I toned it way back to “I have things I need to figure out right now” and I’m glad I left the door open. Today I would not write anything close to what my first draft would have been. Truth is I did have a lot to figure out. I didn’t really believe that at the time, I thought I was just using softer words. Maybe I’m only beating a dead horse but I wanted to echo something I think I read here. I’m not as succinct as most, I’ll butcher it. When you tell someone what you believe that belief about you will remain in their minds much longer than you will end up holding the belief.
I hope that made sense. To put it in nibbler’s terms. One time when I was a small child I told my mom I liked pandas. She was still buying me stuff with pandas all over it well into my teens. It eventually came down to a “I hate pandas” moment to get it to stop.
I get the desire to want to be heard and understood. I burned a bridge or two along my path of personal discovery, it happens. I would encourage you to keep writing letters. The process is cathartic and if you need someone to read them, post them here. I’ll read them.
nibbler wrote:When you tell someone what you believe that belief about you will remain in their minds much longer than you will end up holding the belief.
Yep — I did a talk on repentance. And the focus was on how people close to the person repenting can help. I focused on the phenomenon Nibbler described — how people tend to hold fixed opinions about us, that make it hard for us to change. How people should look at others’ with a healthy optimism about their ability to make change, lest they discourage it with their fixed attitudes about our weaknesses.
Case in point. I am somewhat estranged from my mother. I spoke to her about 5 times in 8 years, and the conversations were short on her end. I had little interaction with her years before that.
There is something about me she doesn’t like very much. Anyway, I finally made the expensive trip back to my home town to see my parents after this period of time. I was careful to be quiet and reserved, and to mostly listen and encourage conversation as I didn’t know what had gotten her goat, other than perhaps my churchiness over the last few decades (I know that). Plus, I heard they were not impressed with my son.
I was at a table working on something, and mentioned a challenge associated with it. She raises her hands in the air, like an Egyptian (the “I don’t care” gesture), and says “SD, you’re a pretty [insert criticism here]”.
I saw, in that moment, the shadow of how she viewed me as a young adult, and that shadow had lengthened to even now. She had no idea who I was anymore, yet that impression lived on — apparently permanently. She took my first comment, about a minor logistical problem I was facing, and it brought me down — I was no longer that person with that weakness. I admit, I was that way at one time, but I had improved significantly over the years. I hadn’t heard that criticism in over a decade from anyone.
So, back to the point — if you send that letter, or tell them verbally what you believe, you will have a big hole to dig yourself out of, and if you soften your position on your belief, or simply want to integrate better again in the future, it may be harder than if you simply stay quiet about it.
People, on average, don’t believe in changed personalities, reversion to former belief systems etcetera. My family’s ostracization of me lives on, even though I have repudiated some of the beliefs that really hurt them years ago, particularly regarding my wedding in the temple from which they were excluded. That young man at that time is still the person they see, when they look at me today.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.