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My apologies up front if I am placing this post in the wrong section. I have only posted once before and that was my introduction. I am not even sure why I am posting this message – it would seem only to vent or grab on to some type of sanity. Perhaps it’s to connect with others who roll their eyes each Sunday as they listen to the spiritual wisdom of making sure your tie knot is of the celestial kind. I have not been to Church in almost 2 months. I have been on a rebellious yet sincerely seeking quest. I enjoy reading the theology of other denominations (namely those of Martin Luther and John Calvin). I also enjoy sermons and spiritual nourishment gained from them (something that is horribly lacking each Sunday in the LDS church). Oddly, it is this very quest to seek guidance and direction from others that leads me back to the LDS Church. While many Protestant churches express the love and grace of Christ beautifully, the “wholeness” of the restored Gospel beckons me back. Let me explain. While I do feel a warmth and love in the Protestant churches that I do not feel in the LDS Church, the beauty of the pre-mortal existence, the Temple and all it’s ceremonies, the Book of Mormon, etc., are all necessary elements of belief that continue to appeal to me. Unfortunately there is only one Church that teaches these elements. The LDS Church theology is beautiful and loving but I find the application thereof is cold and legalistic. It pushes me away and yet draws me back. I feel like a mule chained to a post – going round and round while the earth beneath me gets deeper and deeper.
What to do?
Move to my ward – or the one in which I lived before we moved to this one. (one in OH; one in MO) 
I know that sounds facetious and joking, but sometimes it really is the heart of the issue. Local “spirit” and “color” often are critical. “The Church” might be the same everywhere, but “the church” certainly isn’t.
More later, but I have almost no time left on this library computer.
Great post. I feel very similar to you in a lot of ways…and I’ve bumped into many others on the bloggernacle (whatever that is) who express similar feelings. Olympic400 wrote:What to do?
1. Check your expectations. Do you really think there is a church out there that is perfect? Do you think that is realistic to think your quest will lead you to one? I don’t. I think it is good to make sure we are putting realistic expectations on what a church experience will be like for us. For me, it is allowing a flawed, mortal institution to exist, and still find God’s work revealed through it. I also allow the leaders and members to not be perfect. There is good in the church if you look for it (for me, I just kind find it every Sunday in meetings..and that’s OK…its still there on Tuesdays when I bring my kids to activities).
2. Explore. Sounds like you’re doing this…and I have found the same thing as you…
Olympic400 wrote:Oddly, it is this very quest to seek guidance and direction from others that leads me back to the LDS Church.
I think sometimes seeing what’s on the other side of the fence helps the grass seem a little greener where I am. Sometimes, I have the best Sundays when I’m in the mountains with my son, or somewhere peaceful by myself. Reading books outside of church has enlightened far greater than rereading everything in the church that has become stale to me. It allows me to bring those outside perspectives back to church and apply them in new ways to enrich my church experience.
3. Focus inwardly. Regardless of external church experiences with all its flaws, start to realize that the peace and goodness Ray finds in his ward has a lot to do with where Ray’s heart is…he seems to find that goodness wherever he goes because he brings it with him. What are the things you are seeking in your life to make you feel fulfilled? Go seek that…sometimes it can be found right where you are.
4. Don’t pigeon-hole yourself. Allow yourself to be the kind of mormon you want to be, that fulfills your needs. The church is there for you, you don’t have to make yourself like everyone else in the ward…be yourself. You may even find there are others in your ward more like you than you thought. Stay away from “I should be this way” or “I should think this way” or “I can’t let others see I’m different”.
5. Look for opportunities to serve others. I think that helps me. Not because I have a calling (because I don’t have one), but just because I think connecting with others is what helps me be happier. There are lots of ways to volunteer and help people.
Just some thoughts.
I love your opening post!! I can relate. As Roy, who posts here quoted — “The Church is a lumpy brown vessel in which the living waters dwell”. At times the warts, pockmarks and and texture of the vessel keeps us away from the living waters. I don’t have any advice as I’m sort of struggling with that very issue now. My challenge has been to stay active outwardly as inwardly, I’m a wreck when it comes to buying into the overall implementation of all these great principles, resources and lofty claims. All I can do is empathize. I’ll be interested in hearing what the advice is of others.
This is a tangent, but the title of this post makes me think of the old Arnold Schwarzenegger movie version of Conan the Barbarian. In the beginning, he is taken captive and chained with a bunch of other boys to that insanely heavy wheel. The push and push this thing around in circles while being whipped on and probably starved/abused. There’s no point to pushing the wheel. It doesn’t power anything. It just grinds them down. Slowly as the years pass, and more and more of the boys/young men wear out and die, and the remaining ones get stronger and bulkier, Conan is left pushing the giant thing all by himself. Then one day they tell him to stop, unchain him, and he has super human strength.
I’m not really sure what my point is because it’s a terrible analogy to make with the Church. But that’s the image I picture in my mind when I read this thread.
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