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I’m a 59-year-old BIC guy who grew up in a small Mormon community in Utah, and have pioneer ancestors on both sides. In the true image of Molly Mormon and Peter Priesthood, I was a TBM with 4 years of Seminary, 2-year Mission, and 4 years of BYU. I attended all my meetings, accepted all callings, paid tithing, obeyed WofW, and was the all-around goody-two-shoes. Stated another way, I was doing religion by the numbers well into my mid-20’s. The CrashWhile I was in the final year of graduate school at the University of Utah. Everything fell apart in rather short order. I lost my job, my mother died, I had no friends (because I spent all my energies in work & school), and emotionally exhausted & depressed. And I was kicked out of college for academic reasons. Suddenly, God and country were all up for grabs. The world crashed
I didn’t know what I believed, but I knew I felt betrayed by God, the Church, teachers and everyone else who told me if I just did what I was told, all would work out fine. After all, if God had come all the way from the other side to restore his church, everything had to be perfect and couldn’t possibly be any better.
So I took another 2 years tried to make sense of it all. I spent most of my time independently studying the teachings of the gospel. But in the end I decided that I just didn’t have many answers for my questions. I did decide that there probably was a God, but I didn’t know much more than that. I gave up on Church attendance when I went thru the 3 Sunday meetings on Easter weekend without a single reference to the Atonement. I just didn’t need that kind of indifference, and I could find better use of my time than that.
Jumping ShipSo I went AWOL from Church. I had no need to ask my name be removed from the records and I had no need to bad mouth Mormonism. But the longer I stayed away, the better I began to feel. I was amazed and pleased that I could stand on my own two feet. I had no need to rebel, or otherwise live a riotous life. But I sure didn’t need to waste time and money in Church.
During this time, I developed friendship with people out of the Church, and found I didn’t need the crutch of religion to function. I finished my graduate degree with straight A’s, and after much struggle got a good job.
Slow ReturnI was a happy gentile, or at least a non-practicing Mormon, for 15 years. Then, one day when I walked passed a Mormon chapel. Out of nowhere I got a very clear impression that I needed to go to Church there next Sunday. I did that off and on for the next couple of months surfing several wards in Salt Lake, but never allowing anyone to latch onto me. Then the Lord let me know I needed to go talk to my Bishop. I swallowed twice, and said OK. I found out who he was and called for an appointment.
It was surprised to me to find such an understanding Bishop. I shared with him my feelings of betrayal by God & the Church, and rattled off all the things I felt they did wrong. He said he had some similar experiences, and didn’t try to correct me. We continued our conversations for 3 more sessions, when another surprising incident occurred.
A lady friend, who I had known for 17 years, came to town for a visit. She lived over 1,000 miles away so our visits were infrequent, but we had been the best of friends calling one another on the phone several times a week. We had never talked of marriage, though both of us had thought about it. She was a convert, very active, having been a Relief Society President for 8 years and a temple worker for 12. Yet she had always been very open to talking about my non-standard feelings about the Church and religion in general.
On one trip she visited me for a few days in SLC. We started talking about marriage, with her offering to get married anywhere I wanted, and even offered to get married in Tennessee. She attended a family reunion every year. It was a rather large affair with over 100 distant cousins showing up (none of whom were Mormon). There was a preacher in the family, and we could have an automatic guest list, a simple ceremony and a built in party. What could be simpler. She had just one request of me. Would I talk to my Bishop first to see what it would take to get a recommend for a temple marriage? Well, how could I say “no” to that?
An Amazing BishopThe resulting bishop’s interview was quite amazing. My Bishop then suggested we talk about it a bit. For about an hour we explored my feelings, which were just this side of agnostic. I did hope the Church was true, and that Jesus Christ died for our sins. I didn’t have any objections with that or anything else we talked about. He then asked if I would be willing to start attending Church, and resume wearing garments. I said I would give it a try. Then he pulled out his book and read off the questions. He indicated that I should answer with only a yes or no. When done, he said he then wanted to ask God if this was OK. He then went into quiet contemplation/prayer for a couple of minutes, while we both sat there. Then he said he felt good about it. And I felt that was an offer from him/God that I could not say “no” to.
He filled out the recommend, had me sign it and gave me the name and phone number of the stake president. He advised me to get into no discussion with the stake president, for he was a lawyer by profession, and didn’t appreciate any ambiguity. I was to only answer yes or no, as I had done for him. My fiancé was pleased, and only added that my answers could be yes, no, and earnestly trying. That became a running joke for many years since, when contemplating such interviews. She also told me I could tell him to take a flying leap if I started getting uncomfortable.
Well we got married in the temple, on her temple shift. I also moved to her state since I had a job that I could transfer, but she didn’t. I never went if I didn’t feel like it and wore “G’s” with some regularity. Her attitude was that they should be “comfortable” and “comforting”.
Line upon LineSome 17 years have passed since then. I have held various callings including EQ and HP counselor, and SS President none of which impressed me much. The priesthood jobs were just to many meetings, and the SS was a week of boredom broken up by 10 minutes of panic. Finally I was asked to teach the Gospel Principles class, I accepted immediately, which was definitely not my normal practice.
I believe the Gospel Principles manual is the best manual in the Church. It takes a systematic approach at explaining the Gospel. And I had the freedom to really explore 44 different subjects. I never confined myself to the material in the manual, though I always used it. But I really worked at understanding the lesson in the context of the whole.
The experience was great as I learned how Mormonism offers a great “world view” and basis of principles for guiding one’s life. Both the philosophical and pragmatic rolled up in one package. I was amazed how everything was so tightly tied together. I felt that many subjects could not be explained without discussing several others. I was amazed that Joseph Smith, who was very much a inductive thinker, could put together so many disparate parts that made a harmonious whole. Every lesson I learned something knew, and the old timers who attended the class agreed that they were learning new stuff. But I didn’t loose the newbe’s. It was so simple that they followed right along. I was gaining an intellectual testimony.
I began to realize the fulfillment of one of the promises in my Patriarchal Blessing. I was beginning to gain wisdom and understanding, and was/am able to share it with others from time-to-time. As a result I feel much more comfortable with the Church, and generally much more tolerant of its failures. I do believe in its divine calling, but I do not believe that the Lord denies the GA’s their agency to make mistakes. I really feel that their authority / stewardship is confined to their running the Church as a whole. It doesn’t include running my stewardship, unless we have overlaps. For example, the Church gives me a manual to teach from, but it is up to me to bring in additional material as I see fit to meet the needs of the class members’, as I understand them. That gives me a whole lot of freedom, yet I have generally gotten support from my file leaders (present bishop, excepted). But members consistently express appreciation and even occasional excitement for our discussions.
The Anti’s fall flatAbout the same time, I began conversing with some anti-Mormons on Youtube. At first I was a little concerned about some of their allegations, but as soon as I started investigating those questions, I realized how shallow, manipulative, and even hateful many of them were.
It wasn’t that I automatically I dismissed any criticism of the Church. I am very much aware of some legitimate doctrinal questions, historical anomalies, and even some administrative blunders worthy of criticism. But I found the anti’s arguments I ran across as very unenlightened by any reasonable measure.
Their best efforts only provided additional evidence to me that the Church offered a better way. I don’t feel controlled by the Church as I once was. I can join with it for mutual benefit without any manipulation or control, for if the need ever arose I could walk away. But I really don’t think that will be necessary. Although I do steer clear of certain members/leaders I believed to be manipulative and controlling.
Hopeful signsAnd most recently, I received a priesthood blessing that promised the Holy Ghost would be guiding me. For the last 2-3 weeks I have had the distinct impression of the warm confirmation of truths that I have longed for. But it is still only a beginning. I am very comfortable with the statement that “I know the Gospel is true”. I do feel I need to be in Sacrament meeting regularly. And I really try to do good for the priesthood class I teach.
Still no TBMBut the one-and-only-true church, Joseph Smith, Thomas S Monson, and BofM, are still on the shelf waiting for resolution. I absolutely do not believe the conventional Mormon wisdom on a variety of social and political issues. In fact I’m downright embarrassed by some of their stands. So along with many others in this forum, I have a lot of work to do.
In the mean time, perhaps I can be of help to some others on this forum, and I’m sure you’ve got a lot to teach me.
P.S. Sorry this is so long.
Welcome! I think you’ll enjoy it here and we’ll enjoy hearing your comments! Great intro! Welcome and glad to see ya! HiJolly
what a great story. I think it is so interesting to hear about different paths people take through life and how many feelings are similar and we can share those things. Thanks for joining and welcome to the forum.
Welcome aboard! It sounds like we could all learn a great deal from you! Welcome Dash and don’t apologize for a long post it was a great read and a wonderful introduction. I think you will find a community here that is open to discussions that you can’t really have with other church members and it helps to know that this is possible. Quote:But the one-and-only-true church, Joseph Smith, Thomas S Monson, and BofM, are still on the shelf waiting for resolution. I absolutely do not believe the conventional Mormon wisdom on a variety of social and political issues. In fact I’m downright embarrassed by some of their stands. So along with many others in this forum, I have a lot of work to do.
You more or less end with this quote above and I need to tell you that you will NEVER be a TBM again and in fact it shouldn’t even be a goal. I suspect that you are a good Gospel Essentials teacher precisely because you have gone through a great deal of trial and struggle and honestly worked your way back to a testimony and that comes through both in your post and almost certainly in your teaching. So the work that you have to do is not to make yourself back into a TBM but to build your spirituality and deepen your understanding of the gospel.
Joseph Smith with all his warts is finally a vibrant and true prophet to me almost especially because he was human and flawed and yet Heavenly Father could use him to build the Church. It is possible to make that road back to a testimony of Joseph Smith but he will never be a “hero figure” (as we are discussing in another post here) to me but certainly a prophet, seer and revelator.
Again welcome and thank you for joining us I look forward to your contributions.
dash1730 wrote:
Line upon LineSome 17 years have passed since then. I have held various callings including EQ and HP counselor, and SS President none of which impressed me much. The priesthood jobs were just to many meetings, and the SS was a week of boredom broken up by 10 minutes of panic. Finally I was asked to teach the Gospel Principles class, I accepted immediately, which was definitely not my normal practice.
I believe the Gospel Principles manual is the best manual in the Church. It takes a systematic approach at explaining the Gospel. And I had the freedom to really explore 44 different subjects. I never confined myself to the material in the manual, though I always used it. But I really worked at understanding the lesson in the context of the whole.
The experience was great as I learned how Mormonism offers a great “world view” and basis of principles for guiding one’s life. Both the philosophical and pragmatic rolled up in one package. I was amazed how everything was so tightly tied together. I felt that many subjects could not be explained without discussing several others. I was amazed that Joseph Smith, who was very much a inductive thinker, could put together so many disparate parts that made a harmonious whole. Every lesson I learned something knew, and the old timers who attended the class agreed that they were learning new stuff. But I didn’t loose the newbe’s. It was so simple that they followed right along. I was gaining an intellectual testimony.
I began to realize the fulfillment of one of the promises in my Patriarchal Blessing. I was beginning to gain wisdom and understanding, and was/am able to share it with others from time-to-time. As a result I feel much more comfortable with the Church, and generally much more tolerant of its failures. I do believe in its divine calling, but I do not believe that the Lord denies the GA’s their agency to make mistakes. I really feel that their authority / stewardship is confined to their running the Church as a whole. It doesn’t include running my stewardship, unless we have overlaps. For example, the Church gives me a manual to teach from, but it is up to me to bring in additional material as I see fit to meet the needs of the class members’, as I understand them. That gives me a whole lot of freedom, yet I have generally gotten support from my file leaders (present bishop, excepted). But members consistently express appreciation and even occasional excitement for our discussions.
This is all so beautifully said. Really nails some of the ideas we want to nurture in those who are struggling.
I’ve felt the same way, too, about the Gospel Principles manual. There seems to be something about coming back down to the basics, or maybe it’s that basics are really
seenfor what they are for the first time, i don’t know. But I’ve felt that, too. Welcome.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your journey with us. I really connected with your life story. It is nice to hear about a mature and compassionate Bishop like you had, who was willing to just patiently listen to you, and also follow the Spirit in regards to the situation you were in. What a resource he turned out to be for you at just the right time. I also enjoyed a sense of you confidently following your intuition (or the Spirit, whatever we want to call that feeling). I loved that. I sensed a lack of fear to go where your path lead you, allowing yourself to experience the surprises and turns.
I look forward to hearing more from you. Welcome to the community.
Welcome, dash, great that you’re here! Excellent post. I too feel that we all learn line by line, precept by precept. A lot of things in the church have become difficult to accept, but by searching out the truth, I am at peace. I felt a special affinity to your post, and although I have not struggled as many years as you, my story is strikingly similar. I think those of use who have gone through such struggles may never again be TBM’s in the literal sense, but I have no regrets. I feel much more strengthened for my academic search and discovery of the truth, not a superficial glossing over taught by CES.
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