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In response to your questions, godlives, Quote:“Is it possible that HB lives this other life as a way to try it out and make sure he likes the change before creating a lot of issues in the ward? Also has this caused you to question your belief in the church as well?”
These changes in his life are not new to him since he did drink, etc. in high school. He does it occasionally and believes it is not harmful, but enjoyable.
Yes, I feel in some ways that the rug has been pulled out from under me. If you have seen the movie, “Doubt”, with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep- I am Meryl, the nun, and my husband is Phillip, the priest (although he is not having inappropriate relations with children!). He is forward thinking and I am traditional and suspicious. In an interview with the actors, Phillip explains the nun’s experience this way- it’s like building your life for 30+ years in a particular place only to look down and realize that it was on sand and the tide is coming in. I feel like that when my dh tells me the things he’s learned. I, though, want to have my own journey in my own time. I am going slow, reading on my own, trying to find what it all means for me.
Swimordie- I was wondering in what specific ways did your wife react to your change that was positive? When my husband drinks, I go a little crazy, ask too many questions, wonder what else he’s doing, become anxious and suspicious. How, if I was taught all my life that these things are wrong, do I let go and not let it bother me. Did she have those feelings, but just keep them inside around you?
How have you all as couples that are split as to beliefs keep it together? I never wanted to date or be with someone that drank, etc. How do I accept my dh when I don’t like the things he does. Not liking the way he puts away dishes is one thing, but the changes in his life I have been taught are very wrong and yucky to me. Am I shallow or close-minded?
If this topic is better suited for another blog, let me know. I am really interested in your perspectives, though.
Great question, roma! No, she did not keep it in!
😯 She was 33 yrs old last year when this happened and the first time I drank in front of her was literally the first time she had ever been around alcohol. Ever! She kinda freaked. We talked it out till 4 in the morning, then had long discussions night after night. I think she came to realize that I needed to go through what I needed to go through. Eventually, she came to trust me in the same way that I trust myself. Or that God trusts me. I’m a good person and would never do anything to offend God or hurt another human being. I just needed to discover for myself what it was that I was doing, or not doing, and why.
Essentially, I was discovering who I wanted to be, both internally and externally. I eventually didn’t care about the external so much, but had to discover boundaries so that I could continue to build my inner-self.
The most positive thing my DW did, not initially but eventually, was accept me and my process. She didn’t have to approve of what I did, in the same way she need not disapprove. Nor do I approve or disapprove what she does. Each of us is responsible only for ourselves. I know that’s what’s so tricky in the celestial marriage paradigm, but in real life, my DW can’t control me and I can’t control her. Nor should we. That’s a cesspool of disappointment, unmet expectations, resentment, etc.
Ironically, or not, as we went through this together we grew closer than was ever imaginable. To open ourselves to each other, as we were being honest with ourselves, we were also being honest with each other. We held nothing back. And we discovered a part of each other that we had never known before. A deep, intimate, vulnerable place where feelings mean everything and, in an emotionally healthy way, we could share that part of ourselves with each other.
It seems like anyone can do this but, in reality, it’s only possible when we are truly emotionally healthy, free from co-dependency. If we are harboring co-dependency, we are holding back. We will guard parts of ourselves for fear of rejection, or not being validated, or getting hurt, or being misunderstood, or not being loved unconditionally.
I don’t know your DH’s heart, but you probably do. Take care of yourself. Let him take care of himself. It will feel like you’re detaching, because you are. At some point, we have to let go to get closer. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but it really does work.
swimordie wrote:I don’t know your DH’s heart, but you probably do. Take care of yourself. Let him take care of himself. It will feel like you’re detaching, because you are. At some point, we have to let go to get closer. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but it really does work.
…I don’t want to detract from Swim’s brilliant post…so I’ll just second everything he said!
All in favor…oh, woops!
😳 Rix wrote:All in favor…oh, woops!
*Valoel raises his right hand*
That was an excellent view into your journey Swimordie. Thanks for sharing that.
Thanks, swim. roma – I also loved the movie Doubt. It should be required viewing, IMO!
Quote:How do I accept my dh when I don’t like the things he does. Not liking the way he puts away dishes is one thing, but the changes in his life I have been taught are very wrong and yucky to me. Am I shallow or close-minded?
My best friend’s mom had a quote hanging in their kitchen that was a translation of the Gestalt prayer: “I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful.” So many times in my life when I have encountered a difficult relationship, I picture that quote on their kitchen wall, and I think those words to myself. The key is to let go of our need to control other people. Very few people are immune to that struggle. It is human nature to want to control circumstances around us and to create a cocoon of “things we like” around ourselves. But there is no growth in that model. We think that love is finding someone who matches our description of what we like, but the problem is that people change and also what we like changes.It’s also a problem because other people exist apart from our preferences. We have to learn to walk out of ourselves to meet people where they are. In time, we have to learn to love people for their faults, not despite them. Only when we truly love someone, faults and all, can we stop trying to control them. And ironically, only when we stop trying to control them do they (sometimes) respond to that love and our influence.
Some years ago when my LDS belief system fell apart, I tried sharing my feelings with my wife. It was a mistake. She wanted a husband who would allow her to one day be the bishop’s wife and was royally ticked that I wouldn’t be seeking the office. The real crises came as I dealt with the finality of death (the possibility of never seeing our loved ones again). When I told her (in a private moment), that I would be a basket case if we were to lose one of our sweet kids, she raged at me and would have none of it. I was patriarch of our family, I held the priesthood. I was to call her forth from the grave by virtual of said power. Things were never the same after that and eventually the marriage ended. I was nothing in her eyes. Today I am retired from a 45 year career, enjoying a new retirement home. I am generous to all five of my kids & twelve grandkids (some even live with me). My ex lives in a small apartment, unable to pay her bills. My kids contribute monthly for her car & maintenance. All I have I would have shared with her. I would be protecting her today (and would one day leave her in comfortable circumstances). I still love her. But she couldn’t accept something less than what her image of the perfect husband was/is. This has been a hard narrative to write, excuse me in that it was so personal. But I told it for those who are reading this thread about living honestly. Males are flawed, males have fears. Our belief systems do change as the decades of our lives unfold. And yes I know, females are sometimes flawed as well. It is best to look at life from a long perspective.
One last thought, you may conjecture that I’m only looking from a earthly perspective, while she is looking at the eternal one. Granted, and she can be assigned as a sister wife in the hereafter, sharing some good man. From my view, I only just hoped to be with her alone in God’s presence OR resting beside her on a green hill if that’s all there is.
George, what a beautiful, painful post. Thank you so much for sharing it. It really puts things in perspective for me. Does anyone think it is a good idea to have a recommitment (in private or not) between spouses after one stops living the temple covenants in the TBM way? Something together that will help the spouse who didn’t change know what they can expect (like fidelity and such). It’s an idea I think about whenever I read threads on this topic.
That was touching, George. just me, I have had similar thoughts in the recent past, though over time my DW and I have “re-committed” to each other without saying a word.
Thank you George for your personal and tender story! My dh and I have been going through this change for almost a year and are going to see what the next 6 months bring. I can see it going the way you described, but I also see this as possibly life changing in the other direction. It is so hard not to want to control my surroundings and be around what is comfortable and acceptable to me. Hawkgrrrl- I appreciate your comments but do not know your story. I looked for an intro about you on this and other sites, but didn’t find one. Have you shared it anywhere?
Swimordie- did you and your wife see a therapist, or did she just read about codependency and figure things out on her own? Does she still go to church?
Thank you all for your stories and comments, they help so much.
roma wrote:Swimordie- did you and your wife see a therapist, or did she just read about codependency and figure things out on her own? Does she still go to church?
We did see a therapist for several sessions AND she read a lot about codependency and figured things out through all that and our many discussions and further discussions with siblings in therapy, and on and on. It’s a process. It takes time and courage and strength and love but it also takes a commitment to living an emotionally healthy life, taking care of oneself, not accepting the crap put on one, and maintaining healthy boundaries when necessary.
My wife does still go to church and, like I said somewhere else, I resigned from the church so that I could continue to attend church with her and my boys. I will support her as she supports me. No expectations, just love and acceptance.
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