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amateurparent wrote:
About loneliness .. I don’t want to talk to LDS peeps about my FC. I have no desire to influence their faith or testimony. My non-LDS peeps would love to go share a glass of wine with me after work. I’m not ready for that either. My DH wants me with him at church on Sunday. My non-LDS peeps would love me to go hang out at the lake then .. But I don’t.
It feels like social limbo.
OTOH, over the last 5 years I had put on 30 pounds. As I have been more open about my FC, 13 of those pounds have fallen off easily over the last few months. After 5 years of fighting myself over food, I have realized food wasn’t the issue. Honesty in my life was apparently the issue. Who KNEW!!!??? It’s weird to be consistently losing weight through basic exercise and healthy eating after trying so many things.
The only thing that has changed is honesty about my FC. That sinple phrase encompasses so many details and perspectives in my life. Honesty about my FC has changed everything.
Once I discovered this site a few years ago and found that there were others that could help put my thoughts into words I started to relax. Honesty is not accepted well at church and I quickly hit a wall relating to my FC. I have recently hit a new low and now I’m just going thru the motions but still honesty with restraint is the primary outlet.
Kipper: I am sorry to hear of your loneliness. Please share those thoughts and feelings. I need to hear them.
I go to church with my DH because it is important to him that I be there. I sit through Sacrament meeting and try not to play with my phone. He has a calling during SS hour .. So I either visit in the hall with a FC friend or I go home after SM. It is weird to me that after 6 months of this, I have had very few comments from anyone about my attendance. That has increased my loneliness in many ways — realizing how little my presence is/was noticed .. Especially because it is amazing how they can find me when they need my skill set.
Honesty isn’t wanted at church. So, I am more honest with myself, with my immediate family. Someone at work asked what my religion was. I told him I was raised LDS, my husband was LDS, but I wasn’t sure what I was anymore. He nodded and the conversation moved on .. But it felt SO AMAZINGLY HONEST to not say I was LDS. It felt like a huge relief. I wasn’t expecting that .. I was expecting guilt or discomfort. Instead, it felt freeing.
So many of my friends are “church friends”. I thought they were “outside of church friends” too .. But I am finding that they are not. As I am less involved in church social activities, they are not calling me to set up other activities. I am realizing that I need to find a way to meet people and develop friendships outside of church .. And it is hard to do. Paradigm Shift — I hate that phrase — but it fits. My FC is changing every aspect of my life, and the fact that my husband wants and deserves support to stay in the church .. It just makes the loneliness drag on.
I will share more as time permits ap. I take a long time to articulate my thoughts and write them down but I’ll continue to share if it can draw others out and if it is helpful. I should mention I interviewed with SP counselor yesterday to renew my TR and shared one of my most painful experiences with the church. I knew in advance where he would be coming from and maintained that respect for him. Even so he was very understanding and said something very helpful so today the clouds look a littler nicer. Off to work now. PS: Back at home now where DW who should be the best listener would be the last to be understanding.
Kipper wrote:PS: Back at home now where DW who should be the best listener would be the last to be understanding.
I hear you, brother – I have been there and done that.
I understand now that it is better to be obedient than to do what’s right. My mistake. Kipper wrote:I understand now that it is better to be obedient than to do what’s right. My mistake.
Ouch. sounds bad. Like things are sliding backwards for you.So I get this recommendation from DW to read this talk from D. Bednar about “choosing” to be offended. Now THAT offends me. However, I’ll try not to let it as he counsels. The only thing I chose was to not say no when over loaded with callings even though it conflicted with personal revelation. Yes it’s true, along with my commute of 2-1/2 to 3 hrs a day, at a time when I was at my limit with night school and related weekend training I chose to drop out and lose the financial and years of time invested. I chose to quit visiting my father every other week before he died, I stopped camping and fishing trips with son before he went on his mission. I’m not offended I’m hurt and broken. Sometimes really angry. I know that is destructive so I fight it. I am really very doubtful about inspiration of leaders being anything more than man’s contemplation. Maybe there will be a talk soon about that?
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/11/and-nothing-shall-offend-them?lang=eng Quote:I’m not offended I’m hurt and broken. Sometimes really angry. I know that is destructive so I fight it.
Nibbler:
I have been waking up early in the morning just ANGRY. I have never considered myself an angry person .. But apparently I have a lot more anger than I knew. It comes boiling up. It is exhausting to process the feelings and the memories/events that pop into my head during these Anger Attacks. And yet … And yet. All those feelings of anger, once I process through the events, I am more able to purge it out of my soul.
The process has been exhausting, but it also feels very therapeutic.
Nibbler, reading about everything you accomplished and how huge your time commitments were/are, I want to change your name to NIBBLED — because it sounds like pieces of your essential being have been nibbled away until you have been left with no emotional nor spiritual resources for personal survival.
Maybe it is time for you to guard your time and your spirit. Tell everyone NO to commitments. Feel the angry and allow yourself time to heal.
Kipper you mean? I haven’t said all that much, at least in this thread. 
I can’t argue with your last few lines though. They hit pretty close to my mark.
Oops! Sorry Nibbler! I am a blonde. I now that this post was a month or so ago and I might be a little late, but I’m glad that it was posted because frankly thats a huge struggle for me, feeling like you can’t speak to anyone but your dining to scream about something, anything. The truth is that I found out my loneliness is very much linked to 1: Being stagnant in life (as was previously mentioned) When my life gets monotonous and nothing new happens, I’m mopey, I get great sleep during these times. Right now in my life my highs are when I move to another city, to a new project. I love that first week, but then I realize it’s just another project, and the flare is gone. I’ve tried things like exploring the area. You know “tourism”. I learn what the culture there is all about, eat like the locals do. but eventually despite all my efforts, I get very depressed. Which allows some pretty scary thoughts to take over.
2: Being LDS in a group of non-LDS guys, and being an ex partier. That’s my hardest part, because I hear all these wonderful talks given about someone who rose above the challenge of everyday life, and chose the mormon way despite the pressure. Blah! I love those stories, I really do. but not everyone gets the feel goods from all that. There have been multiple times the phrase “nah man, I don’t smoke, drink, etc” has come out of my mouth, even a few times I’ve broken up with a pretty little girl cause she needed something I wasn’t willing to give, but despite all that, I never got the feel goods from it, I know I was strong, but I never felt rewarded for my efforts, I just felt really alone, and depression took control, and event one drink got me accepted…
I dont know thats my rant on the issue, All I know is that I gained a really bad habit of blaming my depression on other things, Ive spent years blaming it on my divorce, and I can say that Prayer helped me in that case. When I sincerely prayed about what I was feeling during my divorce, prayed about my worries, my fears, i mean just really put my whole heart into it, It helped a lot, It helped keep me on the edge some nights. and now I stop blaming things on her, I just stop, search through my current life, see whats missing and focus on fixing it. Progress in any aspect of life is a good cure for this I truly believe, whether it’s work, church, or family it will help
Are you close to having any good relationships that you can rely upon to dispel loneliness? I have a good friend in another country that I talk to regularly. I know that if I call on a Friday night, he’s available to talk. I also think online forums like this quell loneliness…and they help organize thoughts. Almost like a living, interactive journal…there are times I’ve turned to forums like this for that fix for loneliness.
lonely when all I want to do is help people in my new area but feel like everyone wants to keep me at arms length Db- I wondered how that part of your transition was going? I hope you find a way to keep your work moving, I believe it is so valuable. Good luck.
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