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Sorry, I have no advice. But your thread does make me quite happy that I have been married for a long time and don’t have to play the dating game anymore. Seriously though, this is a tough one. When my wife and I met, we were both happy TBMs and were very excited to get married in the temple, pay tithing, and follow all the rules. We have changed a little over time, and are in a different place now.
That is actually very important to understand. People change. Perhaps the most important thing to understand would be that you can both accept the other if either one of you changes.
I remember before getting married and people would tell me that my priorities should be:
1) God
2) spouse
3) church
I don’t see it that way now. I put my wife at the very top. She is the most important person in the world to me. If you can find someone that looks at you that way, and you look at her that way, then I think you’ll be in good shape.
mczee wrote:(Faith background: I’m not a literal believer of the BoM but believe the church is a good thing. I believe in god and Jesus Christ. Still figuring out Joesph Smith. He isn’t the devil or a saint. Somewhere in between.)
I need your feedback on figuring out some dating problems post faith transition.
I usually try to keep things light and fun but at some point I need to figure out if this is going to work and I figure out if I’m wasting time and energy on both sides.
One of the things I learned over the last year is aligning values with your partner. So I ask “What is your top three values you are looking for in a spouse”. It’s a little to the point, but really, it’s something I need to talk about.
My concern is (as you’ve seen my past thread) my concern is that value #1 is temple/church/gospel/testimoney. I see this as a red flag when it’s #1.
Why? I want somebody to marry me for me, not because I’m the extension of the church. I’m not their VIP card to heaven. I’m ok being temple worthy. I’m ok temple marriage. I’m not ok with the unhealthy orthodox mormon lifestyle. My self worth shouldn’t be tied to my obedience to church, it should be tied in how responsible, honest, emphatic husband I am.
More specifically, I don’t want to be with a woman who flips her lid and divorces me if my faith transition gets me out of church. Even smaller examples is I don’t to be with a woman who thinks telling my kids that mission isn’t a requirement, being in YW, YM, and scouting is optional, and that if I miss church for one day every bluemoon isn’t the end of the world, Mormon Stories isn’t the antichrist, and priesthood session can be watched at home.
Obviously I can’t have it all and there will be compromise. I just need to figure out how to communicate those concerns. Figure what they expect out of me.
So right now my strategy right now is the following:
1. Have fun, don’t care about it for the first couple dates.
2. Ask them what are their top three values and what are the top three values they are looking for a spouse.
3. If church/temple/gospel/testimony comes up I ask them what does it look like. What’s a good testimony?
4.
this is where I get loss. I guess at this point I have enough information to figure out if it’s going to work or not. My gut feeling is that I should open up here and just be vulnerable with them… it just sucks to do it. I think I might need to man up.Anyways, feedback is welcome. Thank you for your help.
Any updates mate?
How are things? My situation fell apart…its complicated, but I am not discouraged; I have good things happening in many areas of my life, so I know this will eventually catch up as well.
Rob4Hope, so sorry that your situation fell apart. ((( hugs )))
Rob – you know my heart goes out to you on this. Keep your chin up. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Nothing huge going on. At any social situation I’m working on reprioritizing my values from trying impressing people to being honest, listening, having self expression and just being a jovial person. I did had a moment of “oh crap, Mormons are desperate” when a girl from my ward wanted me to go on a double date. She was going to ask out a guy she really like but she was afraid it was going to be awkward. So later she ask me who I was asking via text. I told her I was going to ask the new girl in the branch and she told me not to because it was too hard to get to know two new people at the same time. Then she told me to ask out her best friend. I said I didn’t really wanted to and later I found out her best friend was already invited to the double date as my date without my knowledge AND she was in on our text conversation! She was hoping some how I was going to ask her best friend so she didn’t had to. This double date was about her getting with this guy. I broke it off.
I felt used and manipulated and it reminded me how straight forward and vulnerable you need to be even on simple fun dates. Dating isn’t about getting the guy or girl, it’s about how you grow emotionally by putting yourself in the fire. Everything else is a bonus.
Last note on the situation, the girl setting up on the double date first value is temple (she told me that awhile back). The guy she wanted to ask out isn’t even Mormon. (face slap) I don’t know what she is expecting out of this.
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mczee wrote:Nothing huge going on. At any social situation I’m working on reprioritizing my values from trying impressing people to being honest, listening, having self expression and just being a jovial person.
I did had a moment of “oh crap, Mormons are desperate” when a girl from my ward wanted me to go on a double date. She was going to ask out a guy she really like but she was afraid it was going to be awkward. So later she ask me who I was asking via text. I told her I was going to ask the new girl in the branch and she told me not to because it was too hard to get to know two new people at the same time. Then she told me to ask out her best friend. I said I didn’t really wanted to and later I found out her best friend was already invited to the double date as my date without my knowledge AND she was in on our text conversation! She was hoping some how I was going to ask her best friend so she didn’t had to. This double date was about her getting with this guy. I broke it off.
I felt used and manipulated and it reminded me how straight forward and vulnerable you need to be even on simple fun dates. Dating isn’t about getting the guy or girl, it’s about how you grow emotionally by putting yourself in the fire. Everything else is a bonus.
Last note on the situation, the girl setting up on the double date first value is temple (she told me that awhile back). The guy she wanted to ask out isn’t even Mormon. (face slap) I don’t know what she is expecting out of this.
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Sorry you got into that mess,…but breaking it off was the right thing to do. Be careful going forward with lonliness–that causes all kinds of problems because you will be tempted to date people you don’t really want a relationship with simply to avoid being lonely. That complicates everything.
Keep going mate. I’m in the same boat as you are. You can offer the temple as an option; in my place at this time, I can’t. But, the only thing that concerns me is when a woman (or man) puts the church or temple above the priority of the spouse. I’ve seen that blow up in people’s faces–it manifests in time priorities, in the bedroom, and also with the kids and whole social structure. If the church becomes more important than the spouse?…my own personal opinion of that is deal breaker.
Thankfully I’ve been resistant to loneliness over the last couple of months. More so than I ever had. I think focusing on my values has really mitigated that feeling a lot. For example I went up two unofficial LDS parties over the weekend just focusing on expressing myself and having self respect. I was talking to two attractive ladies last night and I could tell they weren’t interested in the conversation (even if it was focused on them). Right in the middle of me talking to them one grab the other and started to whisper something. After they stop they said it wasn’t about me but I still felt like it was rude and very gossipy. It made me feel like crap that they weren’t focus on our shared experience. I look at them for a second to gather my thoughts and politely said that I’ll talk to them later and walk away. I went up to a couple of other girls that I wasn’t attracted to but we a much better conversation. I much rather have the latter than the former.
I practiced the value of self respect and mutual respect. I didn’t get any phone numbers. I didn’t get any girls to like me. But I did win because I stuck to my values and learn how to use them more. So all and all the night was a big win for me.
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LookingHard wrote:Rob – you know my heart goes out to you on this. Keep your chin up.
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AP and LH…I’m doing just fine. This breakup was doing me a favor (I really believe that). When things don’t go right in situations like this, I step back, take a deep breath, and realize it is a blessing. Why?…because I would rather the baggage come out now than 3 months into a marriage when backing out is more difficult and painful.
Anyway,…things are going really well for me. I’ve go no complaints. I do struggle with the loneliness, and that is challenging, but progress is forthcoming. I have found (and please don’t take this as me being cocky) getting dates is easy; finding someone who you want to keep dating is harder. But, it is not a problem to date–just takes a little planning. So, to deal with the loneliness, it requires planning ahead so the dates are lined up.
Apparently (or so I am told), I am unusual for a man–I don’t really fear rejection in this dating world. I’ve dated about 25 different people in the last 8 months. Was averaging 3 new dates a week…..
Yeh yeh yeh,…you are all saying: “You are a freaking player Rob!”….Nah. I just take them out for a meet and greet, we talk and get to know each other, and decide if another date is wanted. Its simple, safe, fun, and I haven’t found but maybe 2 of those girls who weren’t grateful for that approach. Out of those, 3 of them I found interesting enough to want to pursue a relationship with–but alas, there was baggage that came up that just made it not a good situation.
But,…I’m doing just fine. I am “back in the saddle again”……
I never would have thought in a million years that I would be dating at this stage of my life. And,…(mczee, this is for you) I’ve been told that finding a “good man” is more difficult than you might think. It seems, at least in SLC, that men who are eligible and date worthy are more rare than the other way around….so there is hope for us bachelors. I do feel, however, for the single ladies out there. I’ve talked to several of them, and they are frustrated,…VERY MUCH SO with the lack of men who want to be men, make a committment, and move forward.
I’m still working on my dating/social anxiety but judging how I’ve done over the last month I’m doing much better. I don’t know about the lack of good men problem. Sure it’s a problem but not THE problem. I won’t get into it but I guess I’m more cynical about women than I should be. Being dump and rejected does that to a person. I’m working on that slowly but surely.
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mczee wrote:I’m still working on my dating/social anxiety but judging how I’ve done over the last month I’m doing much better.
I don’t know about the lack of good men problem. Sure it’s a problem but not THE problem. I won’t get into it but I guess I’m more cynical about women than I should be. Being dump and rejected does that to a person. I’m working on that slowly but surely.
I can sympathize.
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