Looking for advice

[Anonymous]

Hello Everyone

I found this site a week ago I have really been impressed with everyone’s respect for the church and its many good qualities, but are okay with openly discussing the challenges that we have. I have been looking for something like this for about three years. I apologize if my story is a little hard to follow.

Ok so here’s my story. I was born and raised in the church in a super strong Mormon family and did everything that I was supposed to. I turned 19 went on a mission, served the full two years and immediately entered a church school. I was there for two years, as happy as could be with what I thought was a strong testimony. Then I started having serious doubts about the church. I tried really hard to keep these doubts quite because I was shooting for a graduate program and didn’t want anything happening with the administration to get in the way of it. Church schools are not the best place to have a crisis of faith. So I just kept my head down and got through, but these questions never went away.

Anyway I got into the program that I wanted and have moved away from home. Now I need to start figuring out how to deal with this. Mormonism is so much a part of who I am, like it or not. I don’t feel like I can just leave altogether. When I ask my family about it, they just about start to cry and give me their testimonies. No one in my family has every seriously doubted the church and I know that if I just left it completely it would crush them. I feel like I am alone there.

I do not hate the church or anything nor am I looking for validation to go out and start partying. The Church has done a lot of good for me. Without its structure I probably would never have been able to accomplish what I have. I just need figure out how to come to terms with my doubts.

These feelings are keeping me from getting on with my life. I am so confused about what to do. I am in my mid-20’s and still single. Every time I go on a date with a nice Mormon girl, I feel like I am some how lying to her about who I really am. I could have easily gotten married, made my family happy and just tried to forget my church concerns. However, I feel like that is would be lying to my spouse, everyone around me, and to myself. The lie is the main thing that I am trying to avoid. I guess what my question is, is how do I keep my family happy but live my own life all while being honest with everyone? What do I do? Is there a middle of the road?

I am really glad to be here and look forward to learning from all of your experiences!

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Hi, chuck70 – I’m really glad you’re here. I hope you’re able to find your “middle” way, and someone to share enough of yourself with that you don’t feel alone or dishonest. I have a feeling that a lot of parents are going to be hoping their middle way kids can meet each other.

[Anonymous]

Welcome, Chuck. it took me a lot longer to find this site, I’m glad you found it earlier on your path. You mention that you cold have lived the lie and gotten married, etc., and you probably could have for a while. Eventually, though, you would have had to deal with it and I think it’s better you’re doing it now when you are younger and unmarried. Like you, and most of us here, I also respect the church and am culturally a Mormon, and I live the life (except I don’t currently attend church, I’m working on that one). My experience with my family, friends, and church leaders has been similar to yours (my SP did, in fact, recognize that spewing back testimony was of little value and unhelpful, however – I’ll give him the credit due there). Lastly, just because they’ve never expressed any doubts doesn’t mean no one in your family has ever doubted. Most of us keep those doubts under wraps.

To answer your questions: Be honest with your family, but concentrate on what you do believe. Many here have struggled with this, read through some of the threads. If you don’t know what you believe, take some time to figure it out. And, yes, their is a “middle way” or your “own way” or whatever you want to call it. If you haven’t already, read Pres. Uchtdorf’s Saturday morning conference address from October. You didn’t share what your doubts are, and you are perfectly free to keep that private or not here if you like, but you can believe that the Book of Mormon contains many good teachings relative to Christianity or living a good life yet not believe it came about as is taught by the church, for example. No one ever needs to know that but yourself.

I’m glad you’re here and I hope you are able to find the peace you seek. Please come and share with us.

[Anonymous]

Hi Chuck,

You are definitely not alone. I especially wanted to comment on the dating aspect.

chuck70 wrote:

These feelings are keeping me from getting on with my life. I am so confused about what to do. I am in my mid-20’s and still single. Every time I go on a date with a nice Mormon girl, I feel like I am somehow lying to her about who I really am. I could have easily gotten married, made my family happy and just tried to forget my church concerns. However, I feel like that is would be lying to my spouse, everyone around me, and to myself.

I remember the craziness of dating. I remember one girl telling me that she had prayed about our relationship and didn’t feel good about it (as though God wanted us to break up :crazy: ) As Mormons we do tend to go way serious in the dating game – we are sizing up eternal companions from the word “Hello.” But you can cut yourself some slack, it doesn’t need to be this way. Everyone puts their best foot forward – that was the whole reason that make-up and hair style products were invented. It is not wise or healthy to vomit all your problems to your date.

In my situation I was unemployed because I had been fired. I believe that I told everyone that I was on a leave of absence for school work. When it became apparent that our relationship was becoming serious, I told my then girlfriend the truth. It didn’t faze her at all and she is now my wife. I believe there is a healthy balance between the extremes of over sharing, manipulating people by hiding the truth, and living a lie. I believe that part of letting people into your inner circle is letting them know the real you. I believe that life is more full with others in your inner circle.

Welcome to our little group. :thumbup:

[Anonymous]

DarkJedi wrote:

To answer your questions: Be honest with your family, but concentrate on what you do believe.

I second this point. There may be the annoying elements of the religion that you doubt or cause you to really get hung up on…but sometimes we focus on those pain points so much we forget all the other parts of it we still cling to and love and cherish.

When talking to others, it is good to start on common ground, and build the relationship of trust that may be there. I often find the differences in my beliefs/doubts from others are not so important to discuss. For example, I believe the church has made mistakes in the past. Well…actually, Pres Uchtdorf and Holland have been stating the same things, so I’m not really stating anything that isn’t already stated or out there.

My advice is that through more study and more dialogue with others, I think you can find many others have the same thoughts as you about things. Others don’t. And that is OK to have people see things differently, because God intended for us to be different, so that as we pursue differences, we can get to know one another. That could not happen if we all thought exactly alike.

So, become less concerned with “right” and “wrong” views of the gospel or church or doctrines. Respect and appreciate multiple views. In doing so, you may find there is less that needs to be discussed with others than what is at the front of your mind at the moment.

Welcome to the group. I look forward to learning from your posts.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the group. I appreciate your desire for balance. There is a middle way and staylds makes it less lonely.

Regarding doubting and dating. A recent Pew Survey found that 20% of “born” self-identifying Mormons had some doubts about the church and 30% of converts. So there’s likely to be around 1-in-5 of the eligible girls you know who might be looking for a “middle-way-man.”

Look forward to what you have to say and hope we can support you.

[Anonymous]

Mormon dating is very superficial. I wouldn’t take it so much to heart on the first date anyway. There is something I never understood about the way some Mormons get together, like any other Mormon will do so long as they are faithful or worthy or whatever. What happened to intimacy, friendship, and truly knowing and accepting another person for who they are? To me, that’s what a relationship is. In short, dating can be superficial, but I wouldn’t get into a relationship without knowing more about the other person’s views (which may not be very well developed) and without sharing some of your own. But expect that most people won’t think the same way you do about things. That’s the nature of life. We all have differing viewpoints. We engage in a relationship because we like the other person’s viewpoint even when it differs from our own.

[Anonymous]

I would consider marrying someone who is in the faith, but who is also unorthodox as well. They will accept you better. My wife is a bit like that (not totally though — militant on certain things), but she is not 110% TBM, maybe 75%. That 25% is what saves me.

I agree with Hawkgrrl too – try to get past all the church stuff that enshrouds relationships. Find someone who would love you whether you were a seminary grad or not, eagle scout or not, Returned Missionary or not, temple recommend holder or not….but who is also friendly to the church to the extent possible. Perhaps that’s a tall order, but that would be ideal.

Also, you need to decide how important it is to have someone who is TBM and may or may not live the full textbook approach to life the LDS church portrays. You need to decide what you want in a spouse from a church perspective. A key issue is what will happen when you have children.

In my family, we go to church although I skip it more regularly now that my PhD studies are in the way so much. We don’t hold TR ‘s although that is a latent tiger about to raise its head at any time to cause conflict in the marriage. We support our kids in engaging with the church but don’t force it on them, except the requirement that we attend church on Sunday.

I disagree with others about being up front with your family about how you feel about the church. Now that you have moved away, I would not confront the issue until you have to. Whether you take this approach will depend partly on the risk that sharing your true feeling creates for ostracization from your family. We know it happens in Wards when people get honest about their feelings about the church. will you attract such ostracization from your natural family if you are honest? You already know they cry about it — if you are nakedly open about your feelings, how will they react? If so, can you handle it? And what about their feelings — if your doubts cause them pain, do you want to expose them to that?

That fact that you have moved away is a good time to just lie low and let them be happy…what people don’t know, won’t hurt them.

[Anonymous]

So, I had the unfortunate luck of having a spouse who spilled the beans for me, to my parents. My dad’s reaction was to immediately badmouth the internet, other religions, etc without asking me what my specific problems were. My mom’s reaction was to lose sleep, cry, and blame herself. It was painful, but I focused on what I still believed and took seriously, and tried to calm their concerns about me leaving the church and my eternal welfare in the dust. Not to mention screwing up my family. Things have gotten better. I wouldn’t rush to tell them, and when/if you do, the pain won’t last forever; people can be surprisingly resilient.

[Anonymous]

I am catching up again, and I don’t have much time left, but I want to welcome you to our group. I hope we can fill a need in some way and that you can help us, as well.

[Anonymous]

I second silentdawning’s caution about what to say to family members. As an adult, you don’t have to share anything you think is problematic. For many who have undergone a faith crisis, they want to be authentic and honest, and to have others accept them for who they are. I totally understand that, and I empathize. But family members aren’t always intimately close in that way. Sometimes if you are yourself, they will turn it around to be all about them. I agree with the advice to be clear on what you do believe, and to remember that relationships are usually about what you have in common, and some people feel rejected when they see you have differing views from theirs.

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