Looking for advice on how to tell my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. I am just touched by your kindness. Truly. Thank you.

First, reading your comments helped me simmer down, for sure. You know how it is when you are just on fire with all those emotions!! It was good to be calmed. So thanks.

I spoke to a friend of mine this weekend. She used to be a member of the church. She mentioned, similar to your thoughts on this thread, to make sure the issue with my husband is that I need to be heard and to be honest with my feelings about going to church. But my current responsibility is NOT to convince hubby that the church isn’t true. I liked that, it took some pressure off.

During the week, before I posted, I was feeling desperate and made an appointment with a close friend’s marriage counselor. I thought I would go see him and ask him how I should navigate this. You know, a neutral party can help, right? I thought he could help me weigh actions/consequences and make some choices about “what’s worth it.” Also, if needed, my husband and I could see him together and talk about it with him there to help out. A good move….I hope!

mom3 wrote:

What do you like still? Do you like your husband? Do you like your family? In the church is there anything you like? Try listing life and your feelings in terms of what you like not what you believe and see if that helps.

Hmm, this is a good idea. I think I will do that tomorrow. Seems like a good thing to bring to a counselor too. He probably would have suggested it himself!

Ann wrote:

I really feel for you and identify with a lot of your situation. (Like how to get through Primary in March with all the simplified sharing times about prophets.)

Ha ha, yes, I’ve been wrestling with how to teach this tomorrow. I keep considering to call in sick, but I don’t know. I should take the honest way and show up. Maybe I’ll come up with a game or something. I was going to bring suckers, but it’s fast Sunday. Do I bring them anyway!? My orthodoxy says NO!

I will remember all the advice about going slow and focusing on what we still have in common and our future still together.

One thing to add. I thought the time since I spoke with my husband had been 5 years, but I did the math and it’s been 8! And it took me 4-5 years of quiet questioning before I even told him! That’s a grand total of 12+ years. Wow. No wonder I’m at bursting point. I will have to put this all in an introduction sometime. It’s just hard to find time private from all the family’s needs (and eyes).

Thanks again for your time and thoughtfulness. I will let you know how things progress. I feel like I need a group hug.

Whiterapids

[Anonymous]

Whiterapids wrote,

Quote:

One thing to add. I thought the time since I spoke with my husband had been 5 years, but I did the math and it’s been 8! And it took me 4-5 years of quiet questioning before I even told him! That’s a grand total of 12+ years

In the past couple of years I have heard an identical comment from 2 different people who don’t know each other, but have gone and are still going through faith transition.

It’s a decades long thing

If I calculate from the time we first hit a bump which was polygamy until today it comes close to the 12 year mark.

[Anonymous]

We can share what has worked for us, but, ultimately, we can’t know what will be right for you. Maybe it will be taking a break of some kind, but maybe it won’t involve a break at all. Maybe you can continue in your calling and provide a clear focus on the essentials of the Gospel in its purest form.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

That might seem scary, but it can be incredibly liberating. It is giving yourself permission to build your own, personal faith within the broad parameters of Mormon theology and the LDS Church – to play your own instrument, whatever it is, in God’s great orchestra. I love that analogy – and if you play your own instrument it can help others see that it’s okay to play theirs – and the result is a fuller, deeper, more complex and beautiful orchestral sound.

The key is not blaring yours in an attempt to drown out everyone else but learning what volume works best to bring the overall sound closer to being what it is supposed to be. Look at my signature line; I can be myself and still play joyfully. It’s when I’m not playing my own unique instrument and/or not playing it joyfully that things get all kinds of messed up.

[Anonymous]

whiterapids wrote:

One thing to add. I thought the time since I spoke with my husband had been 5 years, but I did the math and it’s been 8! And it took me 4-5 years of quiet questioning before I even told him! That’s a grand total of 12+ years. Wow. No wonder I’m at bursting point.

Wow. That has been quite a journey. That is also important to recognize. If things have taken that long to get where they are now…it can’t all be fixed in a week or two, even with counseling, right? So…yes…this will keep taking time. It is good to keep that perspective of how long things have been cultivating in our minds, to realize others won’t instantly understand or agree with us after our journey has been long.

Quote:

I will have to put this all in an introduction sometime. It’s just hard to find time private from all the family’s needs (and eyes).

Good point. Don’t worry about posting it here…just when you have time or desire. Keep family and relationships at home the priority over us online buddies

Quote:

Thanks again for your time and thoughtfulness. I will let you know how things progress. I feel like I need a group hug.

Hope we hear more of how it plays out. {Hugs}

[Author]

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