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I recently found this website and am hoping that those of you who read this could help me out. I was active in the church up until about four years ago. My husband and I were married in the Temple and he is an RM. I started questioning many things about the church and started down the path of inactivity after studying things I found on the internet. My husband, to my surprise, came on this journey with me after I expressed my concerns about the church. We have been active on and off for the past four years. Basically the reasons for complete nonactivity have been our oldest getting baptized and our youngest getting blessed. We had been in the same ward for many years and found it very hard to stay away as we loved the people in our ward like family. We had told a number of them of our doubts and concerns and they were so understanding and just wanted us to keep coming. So fast forward a few years. My husband got a new job in another city and we moved. We have been in our new ward for over a year and have only attended church twice. Our oldest son is in scouts so we are only invloved with that right now. This past year has been really difficult and isolating. I homeschool our children and have been trying to become involved with the homeschooling families in our area and have found that they are all acitve LDS families. I have been trying to fit in with them but feel like they are uncomfortable if they find out we dont go to church. I have felt very strongly that to continue to go to church when I dont believe it would be confusing to my children. I have told my older children why I dont want to go to church in a very respectful way so they will be respectful of others who chose to go to church. So here is the reason why I am posting. My second oldest will be turning eight soon and our extended families do not know that we have become inactive. We realize that once they find out things could get bad. My husbands family is very active with 40 plus cousins who go to church. I have been very worried about how they will treat my children. I have been considering going back to church to avoid problems with family as well as helping us fit in with the homeschooling families. There is so much I miss about the church. My biggest concern is my children. I dont want them having the crisis of faith that I have had feeling completely lost with no chance of ever “truly” going back. I feel like I would be trying to live a lie by going back but at the same time I feel so lost with out the church. If anyone who reads this could give me some insight on truly how their children are coping in a similar situation I would love to read it. I am so glad to have found this website and reading the posts has already helped me. Welcome Nightowl, nightowl wrote:I have felt very strongly that to continue to go to church when I dont believe it would be confusing to my children.
We currently participate in various ways in 4 or 5 churches (including the LDS where we attend meetings regularly). I have been warned against doing this so as to not confuse the children. I imagine that it might be confusing to learn that there are many good people in other religions that don’t believe all the same things that we do. But that is reality. We are part of a community and we want to take an active part. It just so happens that we see our community as larger than just the LDS.
I can’t say that my children won’t someday find a better fit for themselves in one of these other churches (they certainly seem to be more fun). I tell myself that if that were to happen then I should rejoice that my child has found something that they themselves can find fulfillment in.
The LDS church is also a community too. If they would be open to your participation as a non confrontational less than full believer, then it sounds like the community aspect might be a benefit to you and your family. If your kids were to fall in love with Mormonism – then maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. The church could do a lot of good for them and I imagine with you as their mother they would have a better chance at a balanced faith than perhaps you did.
nightowl wrote:I feel like I would be trying to live a lie by going back but at the same time I feel so lost with out the church.
I admit that some church members treat me with suspicion. I do not lie to anyone but I do express my thought with the audience in mind (using the language that they are comfortable with and never attacking their faith). I hope to baptize my oldest in less than a year. I would find it hurtful if this is denied me, but I have made a resolve that I will be willing to step aside to keep the day special for my child and not a pity party for me.
The solution that is working for me may not work for everyone. This is just my own imperfect path.
Fwiw, I REALLY dislike the term “living a lie” in the way it’s used so much in our culture. Attending a church in which you believe only partially or even not at all is not “living a lie” – unless you openly lie about what you believe. I have had friends who attended a church as “unbelievers” strictly to support their spouse and children, and there is nothing whatsoever dishonest about that. If you don’t have a testimony of any kind, don’t share a testimony; if you don’t believe something, don’t teach it; if you disagree with someone, find a way to express disagreement charitably and productively or don’t say anything; etc. That’s not lying; it’s common decency, friendship and actual honesty.
Otoh, if you feel you simply must argue and correct and deny, don’t attend. That also is common decency and friendship – but it isn’t one bit more honest than the first approach.
nightowl wrote:…My biggest concern is my children. I don’t want them having the crisis of faith that I have had feeling completely lost with no chance of ever “truly” going back…
If you haven’t, study up on Fowler’s stages of faith. I think it’s healthy for children to have a certain level of certainty in their lives. Most of us teach our kids about Santa and the Easter Bunny. Are we lying to them? Eventually they figure out that it’s just a story. They don’t have crises. The just gain a new understanding.
Religion is full of stories, not to be taken literal. Nevertheless they are taught as literal and even many adults believe them to be literal their whole lives. And that’s okay! They gain meaning and understanding; knowledge they use to improve their lives. Likewise our children can benefit greatly from stories such as the Good Samaritan. Regardless of whether it’s true or not, the principle is good and we learn through stories.
Edit: Meant to address faith crisis and children…
Remember the the principle reason we have faith crises is because reality doesn’t meet our expectations. There are plenty of “intellectual mormons” who never have experienced one for various reason. Feel free to teach your children how things really happen. If they know about seer stones, multiple 1st visions, etc, they won’t have any reason to have a FC, at least, not based on history.
I would echo Ray’s thoughts to go to church on your terms (If you choose, for social or other reasons), being respectful of others and just enjoy the community. One thing I can promises is time makes a huge difference. When I started on stayLds 6 months ago, I took almost nothing as true. Since then I’ve changed so much. I’ve been able to come to terms with uncertainty. I “know” that I don’t know whether the church is “true” or not and that’s okay. Also, I like Roy’s advice to “speak their language.” I have some different thoughts about the spirit/revelation and how it works. Nevertheless I often frame my experience in the language they use. If I “feel” revelation (which I define as my heart and mind being in alignment) I share it as such. I’ll use words like I feel prompted or inspired because that’s how they understand it.
Best of luck. Know you’re not alone.
Thank you all for posting a reply. You have all given me a lot to think about. With that being said…on with the journey. Roy wrote:Welcome Nightowl,
nightowl wrote:I have felt very strongly that to continue to go to church when I dont believe it would be confusing to my children.
We currently participate in various ways in 4 or 5 churches (including the LDS where we attend meetings regularly). I have been warned against doing this so as to not confuse the children. I imagine that it might be confusing to learn that there are many good people in other religions that don’t believe all the same things that we do. But that is reality. We are part of a community and we want to take an active part. It just so happens that we see our community as larger than just the LDS.
I can’t say that my children won’t someday find a better fit for themselves in one of these other churches (they certainly seem to be more fun). I tell myself that if that were to happen then I should rejoice that my child has found something that they themselves can find fulfillment in.
The LDS church is also a community too. If they would be open to your participation as a non confrontational less than full believer, then it sounds like the community aspect might be a benefit to you and your family. If your kids were to fall in love with Mormonism – then maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. The church could do a lot of good for them and I imagine with you as their mother they would have a better chance at a balanced faith than perhaps you did.
nightowl wrote:I feel like I would be trying to live a lie by going back but at the same time I feel so lost with out the church.
I admit that some church members treat me with suspicion. I do not lie to anyone but I do express my thought with the audience in mind (using the language that they are comfortable with and never attacking their faith). I hope to baptize my oldest in less than a year. I would find it hurtful if this is denied me, but I have made a resolve that I will be willing to step aside to keep the day special for my child and not a pity party for me.
The solution that is working for me may not work for everyone. This is just my own imperfect path.
You’re awesome! Your kids are also lucky. It’s a shame that some people think kids don’t have the ability to see and think for themselves.
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