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Losing Faith, Finding God Revelation from heav’n I grasped
My hands in prophets hands were clasped
In my heart whispered God’s own voice
In promised kingdoms my heart rejoiced
In God’s own house I entered in
I strove for virtue and wept for sin
But reason’s thirst did inward cry
I gave it sip, and falsehood died
Revealed the scriptures mortal pen
Fell prophet’s mantle, shew common men
And knew the voices I thought divine,
Had sprung within, were always mine.
Yet is beauty lost at reason’s price?
Is goodness now spoiled, all virtue as vice?
But if the beauty of God had sprung from man
Let it grow in the vessel where it all began.
Thus I found that the divine was set free.
Fallen from heaven and found within me.
Typical story here. Raised in a devout LDS home, RM, BYU, married in the temple. I loved many aspects of Mormonism but always felt overwhelmed in trying to live up to the expectations it seemed so clear to me were an intrical part of fully living ‘the Gospel’ and felt bothered by the ever-growing number of questions I accumulated that seemed to have no answers. These factors coupled with the collision of panic attacks at the end of my time at BYU (through which religion brought me so little comfort) and getting married and staring down the rest of my life as simply ‘enduring to the end’ with no other important intermediate goals to attain (mission, geting the priesthood, etc) made me decide to rationally evaluate the religion I was sacrificing my life to.
I studied Mormonism, relying on mostly pro-Mormon sources for the first year and a half or so, and to some extent religion in general and after about 2 years came to the conclusion it was false. However at that point I didn’t tell my wife as I was sure that she would leave me and take our children with her.
I kept silent for about 3 years until about 10 months ago in frustration over paying tithing I let out my feelings about the Church to my wife. I subsequently asked to be released from my calling and the bishop after interviewing me and discovering I was an atheist took my recommend away.
While it has been somewhat liberating to finally let my true feelings known it has been a social disaster and incredible stress in my life. The amount of tension it has caused with parents, siblings and in-laws, though often unspoken, has been tremendous and within my immediate home with my wife it has been unbearable. I have more or less decided to return to full activity (though during this time I only skipped one Sunday meeting) to appease my wife who I love dearly and to be able to keep my children so I can hopefully help them to take a more moderate view of the Church.
As I have been forced to accept the social implications of leaving the Church I have also wrestled with the loss of certain spiritual benefits the Church afforded. I have still experienced spirituality outside of the Church but it wasn’t the same. I believe that spirituality is largely a part of our social consciousness, the inherited instincts evolved to keep us in functioning social groups. I came to realize that included in spirituality, at least for me, is a component of nostalgia and consequently one will only be able to replicate certain spiritual sensations through behavior and/or environments which imitate the behaviors and environments associated with the positive aspects of the social group from one’s childhood.
I also came to see why religion is necessarily unreasonable. I saw that in order for social groups to function individuals must often engage in behavior that, if done alone, would be unreasonable, but the fact that a group accepts those behaviors suddenly makes it beneficial to the evolutionary fitness of all in the group. I saw that some, though not all, of the Church’s practices and teachings are meant to reinforce those behaviors which allow the social group to function to the benefit of all it’s members. I also saw that in a way the metaphor the Church offers is quite empowering as it creates an eternal quest out of the seemingly routine acts of working, raising children, participating in a community, etc and such thinking can be very motivational.
Admittedly with all this I am still not too happy with the Church. While the Church offers a beautiful metaphor for life I also think it’s literal interpretation and rigid unwillingness to revise beliefs and practices causes a tremendous amount of needless suffering by many of it’s members. However, I hope that if I am trapped within Mormonism to survive socially, and to a lesser extent for my own spiritual fulfillment, that I can help those who are suffering to break the shackles of indoctrination and unquestioned dogma to find the beauty in metaphor and freedom to take the good from the Church and set aside the bad.
Beautifully written. Love the poem. Welcome aboard. I hope we can learn and grow together in mutual respect, admiration, with a desire to become better human beings. As you press forward I have confidence that the beauty of the metaphor, our own mythology, and even our rituals will become even more meaningful than they previously were.
Welcome Luigi! I love the poem too, Luigi!! Welcome to the site.
HiJolly
Welcome. I appreciate the unique contribution and thought that went into the poem. Welcome! Loved the poem too. Reason may be the concept most relevant to all of our various journeys trying to “staylds”. Welcome Luigi! Nice intro…I’ve read many of your posts on other sites, and look forward to chatting more with you here! 
I can relate to much of what you said here. I haven’t posted an introduction yet – still deciding as to whether or not I want to – but I do understand about making the choice to stay within the Church because of the social and emotional implications of leaving rather than out of faith. Welcome! I have to agree about the poem, summarizes many of my thoughts exactly. Hope you find the support you are looking for. Thanks everybody for the warm welcome. I look forward to reading everyone’s posts and participating on the board. yeoww wrote:I do understand about making the choice to stay within the Church because of the social and emotional implications of leaving rather than out of faith.
Hi yeoww, have you ever considered finding a new definition of ‘faith’ for yourself that you personally find meaning in?
I guess the thought is that nobody can dictate to you how to relate to ‘the divine’ (whatever that means to you), but you can (and probably do) find deeper meaning for yourself in relating to life. What we do here is find parallels between your own personal deeper meaning, and things that we hear in church. Not in any absolute or dogmatic way, but to enlighten our own personal understanding and growth.
Welcome aboard! Now, why is it that atheists are so darn spiritual?
As I read the scriptures, I often contemplate that their are two types of learning – seeking to know the law, and seeking to know the Law Giver.
Some say there is no difference, but Satan knows the scriptures better than we do and can quote them eloquently.
” And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.”
Christ’s own words, as recorded in John 17:3 – King James Version of the Bible.
There is a reality in Christ that goes beyond anything that I have ever learned or will learn in science. Science is studying the creation, religion is studying the Creator. For me, biodiversity and beauty of the living world is my testimony of Him.
Oddly, I find more spiritual fulfillment in the outdoors than I do in a Sacrament meeting. I think it is because our chapel has no windows and I find illumination from the Sun to be a symbol of God.
Perhaps you and your wife could find a spiritual activity that you could both enjoy together. Are you a JS type that longs to be in your, “sacred grove” or do you find Christ in the Temple? Some find spirituality with their eyes wide open, others whilst they are dreaming. You and your wife have different “spiritual styles”. Neither of you is wrong.
Quote:However, I hope that if I am trapped within Mormonism to survive socially, and to a lesser extent for my own spiritual fulfillment, that I can help those who are suffering to break the shackles of indoctrination and unquestioned dogma to find the beauty in metaphor and freedom to take the good from the Church and set aside the bad.
“Trapped in mormonism to socially survive”…….I understand that, but trapped for a lesser degree for your own spiritual fulfillment? I can’t say I get that. I guess I would feel better if this were your choice to stay and see what spiritual fulfillment might be there for you as you explore and try on this or that piece. What makes you feel that such is compulsory? Do you feel that from God or man? Wait…..you are an atheist, right? So, you must feel trapped by man or by your relationships. I guess I think that’s sad. I’d rather see you own the place or path you are in/on today.
I think there are some that are suffering because of ” the shackles of indoctrination and unquestioned dogma” but I don’t think this is the gospel’s fault. If anything, mormonism is an invitation to find all this out and live it from a place of absolute personal conversion and choice. Yes, there are cultural and familial pressures at play here and they are as powerful as they are in any culture. But I really think that the real intent means that we have the courage to find the way for ourselves and to find personal integrity and spiritual fulfillment from making our beliefs and our behaviors jive with our inner knowings. This reminds me of that scripture…”how oft I would have gathered you, but
you would not.” It’s a choice not to look and ask. It’s a choice to lean on the main stream currents and traditions. I think we spend too much time worrying about what others with think and do…..perhaps with good cause. People can be awful to those who step outside the box. But Jesus knows all about being a boat rocker. I wish we could get it thru our heads what the gospel is really about and really meant to do for the individual instead of missing the mark by all of the humanness!! Woah…..sorry. Here I am suppose to be welcoming you and here I go on a tiraid.
Quote:And knew the voices I thought divine, Had sprung within, were always mine.
I particularly liked this part of the poem. I agree with this sentiment. You may find yourself really coming full circle with this notion. It’s not nearly as incompatible as you might think with actual Mormon theology. Of course, when people talk theology, they use their own mortal filters, most of which are just the same old dogma and misunderstanding. But that divinity inside of man, that to me is the one aspect of Mormonism that rings most true. And I love the eloquence with which you have expressed it here.
Welcome to the site!
Welcome to the site.
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