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I feel like I have good days and really angry days. I keep trying not to be angry at the church and to find the real source of my anger… but it OFTEN times seems to only point at the church… the black and white all or nothing … even “brainwashing” of the church. I have these crazy desires to go do something totally wild…things that I thought were moral sins before and now that I don’t believe that they are I want to do them… getting a tattoo, getting body piercings. Am I having a midlife crisis.. or just going nuts? (I am 39). My mom had a mid life crisis and she cheated on my dad, went back to school to get her masters, left the church for a while, partied with kids half her age. I HATED her for ALL of those things and became engulfed in my black and white thinking “safety” of the gospel. Is this karma’s way of teaching me not to judge? I never used to be afraid of losing “control”. … but I LOVE the new freedom and love that has replaced so much of the fear in my heart. I used to push people away that didn’t believe what I did in fear that they would lead me astray, now I can hear anyone’s views and ponder to see if it fits or resignates with my soul. I am no longer afraid of different. It was as if being a “true believer” in the church kept me from being what I view as “Christlike”. I loved other people and said I didn’t judge them and claimed (and even believed) that I really thought they were OK in their path and that I was no better…. but when I dug deep.. I didn’t really believe that. I thought I was living the higher law. Now I feel that I was disillusioned. I can understand that much of this has been my disillusionment, but I am not ready to take full credit. I give the church credit for my black and white thinking as well. I know that sounds like I am the victim and maybe that is just where I am at today, but I don’t know how to shove the anger down any longer. I am going to explode!!!!!!
But the anger doesn’t feel good to my soul.. it is poison to me. I know that isn’t going to lead to happiness. So when I try to get the anger “out” and vent to people I feel worse, not better. But when I try to just see the good I feel like I am not being true to myself and shoving it down and it just comes out later. Does anyone have any good solutions before I go do something I will regret?
I have been drinking coffee for the past week or so. I don’t think this is done in the right spirit either.. it is a “SUCK IT LDS rules!” attitude. But I HONESTLY think that it is better for me than soda and I am not ready to give up the caffeine. I researched it and green tea and both are known in the health community to be better for the body than soda. I do feel that it would be honoring my body on an even higher level to abstain from both… but where is the balance? I also know that I should eat meat sparingly, no sugar, limited grains, mostly vegetable and fruits… but I don’t do that either but I don’t feel guilty about it either b/c it is socially/ culturally acceptable to “partake” of these things. I don’t even know who decided what was in the WoW and why? It seems like it what was good for the people that day and now we are like….well, they said X, Y, Z so we will keep that but forget the rest but we don’t really care that you eat meat 5 times a day, getting morbidly obese from sugar and refined crap, or that you are bulimic/anorexic… you can go to the temple.. but those that drink COFEE OR TEA.. NO!!! WTC?? makes no sense to me AT ALL. I am not hoping for more rules… just the opposite. I would like that part to be taken out of the temple recommend interview… it doesn’t seem fair or make sense to my spirit. If I chose to drink Alcohol and can stay faithful to myself and my husband that should be all that matters. I don’t have a desire to drink…. but I want to feel like I am still accepted by God and “worthy” of His blessing if I did. I don’t know how to view this differently.
About my reasoning for tattoo…. I have wanted one for a long time. Then while I was on my mission president Hinkley said something to the fact of No tattoos and one earing. I am surprised it isn’t in the temple interview questions. (I had 7 in my left ear at one time.. and 4 in the other)… I took them out to go on my mission.
But if I am being honest.. the main reason I want it today is out of anger and rebellion. I am SOOOO sick of people judging and they go get and get a BOOB JOB because this SAME prophet didn’t come and recommend that we not get plastic surgery. I have had 6 surgeries (if I include my c-sections)… it does TERRIBLE things to the body. I wouldn’t recommend a surgery to anyone. I have read that surgeries often do more damage than good and often ages the body 4 years per surgery.
There are AT LEAST 12 women in my ward that I know about who have boob jobs… yet they “Frown” upon tattoos as being unworthy in the site of God. WHAT???? I realize that I too and being judgmental and this is not coming from my Higher self or from God… I know that. But I don’t know how to get over this culture that I am right smack in the middle of.
I apologize for my anger. I know it has to do with fear… I just can’t figure out what I am afraid of. Judgment? Going back to the judge that I was? I don’t like feeling this way! But it keeps coming back. I guess it will just take time. If you have any loving suggestions I am open to them.
ahhh do I have the courage to submit this?
I know how you feel. I struggle with anger as well and with fear. Unlike you, I really have no desire to do anything “wild”, but I do find myself angry with some of the black and white thinking, the culture of judgement, and guilt and shame that I see used by the church.
opentofreedom wrote:It was as if being a “true believer” in the church kept me from being what I view as “Christlike”
This is exactly how I have felt too. I feared outsiders more than having Christlike love for them. I figured that paying tithing and participating in church sponsored service projects were all that was really required of me as far as serving the poor or needy. Now my eyes are open and I see so many other ways to truly bless the lives of others.I really have no profound words of wisdom. Some of the others probably will. But know that you are not alone. Take things slowly and really think about your motives. I would advise against doing anything simply to “get back” at the church. Because really, the church won’t feel anything or probably even care if you get a tattoo or your piercings or go binge drinking one weekend. Look at what you want and only take action on those things that will be of a benefit to you, whether or not they’re church approved.
Hang in there. I hear it gets better.
Thank you so much for your reply MayB. It helped to even type it out and send it. Just to get it out there… release the “secrets”. Quote:MayB wrote:
Take things slowly and really think about your motives. I would advise against doing anything simply to “get back” at the church. Because really, the church won’t feel anything or probably even care if you get a tattoo or your piercings or go binge drinking one weekend. Look at what you want and only take action on those things that will be of a benefit to you, whether or not they’re church approved.
This is fantastic advice. Advice I heard my heart giving me this morning. But my anger was trying to trump louder. I don’t know why reading your post made me cry. But it did… it just softened my heart and I thank you for your sincerity and wisdom. I feel like I can breathe and calm down.
Thanks to everyone for “listening”. It just needs somewhere to go but my head and journal.
Hi opentofreedom. Feel for you. This isn’t and won’t be a easy ground to transverse. Anger in itself isn’t bad and is part of a natural healty expression that shouldn’t be bottled up or it can cause a lot of harm to bottle up feelings. However harboring anger can and often does lead to things just as destructive as not expressing your valid feelings. There is a line here that’s hard to learn between being assertive and being aggressive.
Learning and finding the difference between the 2 will help you cope better but it often doesn’t come naturally since the brain in its natural state is “black and white thinking”. There is nothing wrong with polity being assertive and protecting your rights. Expressing things aggressively seems to be humanities default orientation. I don’t want to sound “preachy”. I just have been through what you are going threw. I calmed down and resorted to all the positive things that I had learned through psychology. I realize that a lot of members disagree with these methods but they help a vast majority of people overcome the natural default thinking that is unfortunately reinforced by a lot of communities and organizations including ours. Find out and politely express what makes you.. Well you. Be assertive, it’s ok, but try not to be agressive and I feel you won’t find yourself going down the road you fear. But it doesn’t mean you have to be silent or not be or express yourself. Just try to find it in a positive way even if others disagre with what keeps you healty and balanced. We are not all alike, even if at times we like to pretend we are or can be.
I would agree with the other two suggestions that are made. Haha. But I just wanted to comment on this, so forgive me. I am. I know there some women in the church that get boob jobs, but 12 women getting boobs in one ward is a lot of women. Wow! opentofreedom, my only suggestion is: be careful with the emotion of anger. There were times in my life (& struggles with the gospel) where I couldn’t understand why God didn’t or wouldn’t
answer my prayers. Over time, I realized it was because I was anger
all the time. (I’m not suggesting that you are.)
I am saying, find some outlet for your anger.
This forum is a good place to start.
The danger for me is I can feel very justified in being angry. Than the problems start.
The things I did differently was to get some regular exercise & fine people, places & things that brought
more peace to my life.
You are obviously, very self aware. And, you are not crazy.
Crazy people don’t question their own sanity.
I hope you find your own answers.
Hi, opentofreedom – You’re not crazy! LDS culture can be absolutely maddening. There’s strict Word of Wisdom abstinence compared to temperance. (Read the latest quote in the “Useful Quote for the Day” thread.) There’s rampant plastic surgery against the backdrop of supposed “modesty” defined by garments. (Utah is becoming the destination for breast augmentation surgery because they do so dang much of it and the pricing is competitive. So we have a breed of plastic women with breasts shrink-wrapped in modbe-brand T-shirts. Don’t worry, folks, she’s modest and acceptable in this community! How do we know? What – are you blind? Her shoulder is covered!) Try to take a step back and look at it from a sociologist’s or anthropologist’s point of view. Try to create some mental space between yourself and what bugs you. And, just my opinion, don’t get a tattoo out of anger. Don’t let your buttons be pushed like that. Just to repeat, you’re not crazy. You can still have a good, happy life. You’ll figure things out. Although everyone is different. There are some basic copping mechanisms that help a lot of people. Try to take a breathing space from what is bothering you. Since you can’t change what others think or do, focus on what you can do for yourself. What makes you happy and what helps you to feel balanced? When our lives get out of balance we have a tendency to overcompensate. I tend to go to the mountains, ocean, and when that isn’t possible I have my Aquarium or motorcycle or mechanic repair to veg on and think things threw and enjoy and be at peace. What helps you veg and be at peace and think calmly? I hope you can find it. We tend to worry because we care, but we often over worry about things or let people force us to over worry about things. It helps to find peace in things we love and shar them with those we love. Simply sharing is the basics of human enjoyment and happiness. They don’t mean as much when we don’t share things with each other.
Thanks for posting this. I would guess that we have all been there to some degree. opentofreedom wrote:I don’t like feeling this way! But it keeps coming back. I guess it will just take time. If you have any loving suggestions I am open to them.
I think there are some things that helped me.Probably a primary factor is not to ascribe evil purposes to the Church. It’s easy to make that leap, but in moments of calm, I came to accept that the current and past Church leaders have tried (for the most part) to follow what they believe to be the mind and will of God. I look at GBH and I can find no malice. The City Creek Mall was started under his watch. So, what I do with that is up to me. He was an inspiring man, who dedicated his life to God and to the Church. I didn’t agree with everything he did or everything he said, but it’s hard for me to be ‘angry’ with him. I believe TSM is sincere. I think JS was a visionary. He made more mistakes than all the others combined. He also contributed more. I guess what I’m saying is that I learned to take it less personally, and less conspiratorially. I think of the Church more as an entity in and of itself; one that has a mixture of achievements and mistakes. In the large, I think of the Church as good.
I also think it’s important not to go on an indulgence binge, smoking everything that can be smoked and drinking everything that is prohibited. The only purpose in that is to stretch against oppression. I think a much better way to do that is to stretch spiritually, mentally, emotionally. Find out who you are and what you hold as your own inner commitments first, then let your actions match that. If you become a drunk because you are pushing against prior restrictions of the Church out of anger, then you are still letting the Church run your life. Instead, pause, take a breath, find yourself apart from the Church, and then go for whatever you find. If, at that point, you decide that you want a tattoo on your forehead, then great. No argument from me. All I’m saying is that if you, in a fit of anger, get a tattoo on your forehead to spite the hypocrisy of the re-boob society in the ward, you might find that you weren’t really being true to yourself.
BTW, hilarious about the boob jobs. Personally, I’m not fan, but, whatever… there is a wide variety of taste. But this brings me to one more thought. Don’t worry about those people. Most people that I’ve known in the Church are wonderful, faithful, caring, compassionate people. Just like any segment of society, there are those that you just can’t stand… like, men who always seem to talk too loudly, and whose favorite topics are how good they are at golf or poker… or cheer moms who can screech out phrases like, “Come on, Brittany” with a force that could disable an attacker. The fact is those annoying people exist in every walk of life. Like you, I know some people in the Church that are elitist, arrogant, and judgmental. But for every one of them, I know dozens that are first-rate people. I find it helpful to concentrate on the good majority. If you are having a hard time seeing them, then take a step back and make an effort. I guarantee you that they are there, in numbers.
OTF, take a breath. Personally, I would not go down this path you are talking about. I have no problem with tats, coffee etc…but don’t something stupid you’ll regret.
At the height of my faith crisis/midlife crisis, I told jwald I was getting a tattoo and buying a Harley.
She said that was a stupid idea, and that we didn’t have money and that it was dangerous because of our icy roads and all the deer and that I would regret the tattoo eventually…and that I should do something I enjoyed and would continue to enjoy and that would give me purpose again…and not have regrets afterwards.
So I did…I started home brewing…greatest hobby ever. I’ve become a master…
Anyway, from your experience with your family, it sounds like you know what not to do. When folks go off the deep end, like you described…divorce and cheating and irresponsible drinking and tats…it validates the fears that many of our tbm family thinks about us heretics and apostates.
Don’t do that.
Don’t give them any more fodder.
Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2
PS. Don’t get me started about the WoW. Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2
Please, don’t get cwald started. 😮 Seriously, however, I second cwald’s longer comment. Don’t go from one stereotype to the opposite stereotype. It won’t be YOU – and it just will feed stereotypes.
About 9-12 months ago I was furious with the church. I want to ‘show them’ what for. I also wanted to claim back lost teenage opportunities. But then I thought on it longer. I love my wife and would never want to so anything to hurt her. She stopped attending long before my faith crisis. But we certainly haven’t thrown away the commitments we made to each other on our wedding day. I want to be kind, loyal and faithful to her. I also want to be the best father I can be.
That is now my first motive in life. Categorical number one. The concept of God I have settled on teaches me that the golden rule applies most of all to the way I treat my wife and kids. I’m still not great at it. I still get snappy and grumpy and need to give them better undivided attention.
But… Based on that priority there are certain life choices I will continue to practice that I first did by way of commandment.
In a recent lesson on the blessing of obedience I pointed out that what we were really talking about was the consequences of living universally good principles.
I mentioned that my brother is not active and lived with his girlfriend. He is considerate, patient, loyal and generous is his relationship. As such he enjoys the same ‘blessing/consequences’ as I ldo for followings ‘commandments/good principles.’
I think I caused some cog-dis and got some funny looks.
In other words. Do what you think is right (for you). The consequences will naturally follow. Some things that are ‘commandments’ are also ‘good principles.’ I posted a long reply but it got lost in cyber space I guess… erased. There are so many things that I loved about what was said here. Anyway.. I am SO grateful for y’all and helping me to restore balance. I love having a place to vent. I feel SO MUCH BETTER. Thanks for all of the reminders to breathe!! and to Not do something lasting. You have no idea how crazy I felt. I guess I did feel like a teenager. Now that I feel peaceful it is hard to understand WHY I was so angry. I am expecting this to come back, but I hope I can come back to the peace as I did this time. Thank you all for the suggestions and insights!!!
I also had something unexpected that happened tonight.
One of my clients teaches at the MTC, goes to BYU is TBM like no other. I knew she was coming and I even tried to cancel our appointment b/c I don’t trust myself with information to stay in my head. I prayed before she came over that my tongue would be held and we could just work on her. But that wasn’t to be the case…. Being with her I realized that I was hating people that I love. I even love the “boob job ladies”hahaha … they are actually REALLY close friends of mine who I hang out with often. I actually talked to her about my concerns, careful in what I shared, but I shared the basics and she actually brought up things that I eluded to in more details. She understands things in grey, not as black and white as I would have pegged her to. It was so insightful and beautiful. I felt very peaceful when she left and no longer felt the desire to go hog wild. I still have that desire for a tattoo but not in anger and I probably will just do that… just continue to want one. I have for years and haven’t done it. I told her that and she said “if you feel it is right for you then do it. If not don’t”. We talked for several hours.
I think I am going to give up coffee for the time being.. just as a personal choice b/c I feel like I have to hide it from my dh and that is my first clue that I don’t feel good about it. Green tea… I will keep drinking b/c I think it is really healthy for me and I don’t feel the need to hide that from my kids or my husband.
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