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I need some advice on how to handle a situation where I lost my temper in EQ. A little background on the situation. Two years ago I convinced the ward to change the fathers and sons camp out to a fathers and kids camp out so those with daughters could bring their kids. Most families brought their girls and it appeared that everyone had a great time. Especially, me and my daughter. The next year they announced that they were changing back to a fathers and sons and that the girls were invited to the ward camp out. Several dads voiced disappointment that their girls were not invited but nothing changed. I had a scheduling conflict last year so I did not push the issue.
Yesterday, the EQ pres said that they were looking for a place to have the fathers and sons this year and asked for suggestions. I took the opportunity to ask why our daughters were not invited. He said there were two reasons. The first was because they started a ward camp out that the girls were welcome to come to. At this point I lost my cool and told him it was benevolent of him to allow the girls to come to the ward camp out. I quickly apologized and said I was sorry but that it really “pissed me off” that my daughter could not come. He then said the second reason was that just as I was pissed my daughter could not come there were 3-4 dads that were pissed because girls could come.
At that point I lost it and started yelling something about what kind of dad does not want to spend time with his kids whether or not they are girls or boys and what kind of example are we setting when we say our girls are not worth spending time with. Then I left. I know to some the fathers and sons might seem insignificant but it means a lot to me.
I know my behavior was out of line. I could have handled the situation a lot better. I have found myself having a difficult time lately keeping my mouth shut anytime something comes up in regards to church that I don’t agree with and I think that this was the crowning moment. At least I hope I don’t doing anything worse than this.
My question is now what? I had a few friends call and say they agreed with me but I have not received any contact from ward leadership. I don’t know if I will. My wife told me she thinks I should stop going to Church for a while. She told me to call the bishop and asked to be released from my teaching assignment and to take a month or two off. I know my irritation is starting to affect her. I don’t know what I should do. I feel like I should call and apologize to the EQ pres. But I also don’t really want to get into it with him again. I also don’t want to make life difficult for my wife and kids. We live in Utah and our ward is literally four square blocks so everyone in the neighborhood is in the ward. You can’t really escape the drama and I am adding to it.
I don’t really want to give up teaching and church because I really do enjoy it most of the time. Have any of you lived through a period where everything seems to irritate you with church? Was there anything you did to help yourself move beyond it?
Sorry brother, I empathize with you. Both because I agree with your position, and because I know how it feels to regret how you responded. In my own experience in trying to deal with these situations (although I usually leave or keep my mouth shut when I know I will lose it) – I have found that offering alternatives rather than declarations and appealing to democracy work pretty well. Most ward level activities get run through the Ward Council anyway, and simply voicing your disagreement, and then asking for either a vote in priesthood on the matter, or simply asking if they would take your concern back to the Ward Council for discussion before finalizing anything may have been a tactic that fits within the decision making process.
If they decline, then you could simply announce that you will be organizing your own Father & Kids camp-out for that weekend and that others are welcome to join you if they would prefer to be able to bring their daughters.
More people probably respected you than you think, even if you caused some tension and discomfort.
If I were you I would call the Bishop and apologize by acknowledging that it was probably the wrong approach and you lost your cool, but that you wanted to make sure your concerns were recognized. That ensures two things 1) that your apology will quickly reach the leadership levels through the PEC and ward council meeting, and 2) that your concern will be acknowledged in that meeting with more a little more deference as a result of your apology.
Good luck with that one. I think I am too stubborn to quit going to Church over this, but if the emotions themselves are the result of a larger level of discomfort and disaffection then maybe that would be helpful. You could always drive a couple hundred miles East and join me in Church
If it were me, I’d just go back to church and deal with the fallout as gracefully as possible. If the topic comes up again, just apologize for letting your emotions rule then calmly explain why including your daughters in this particular activity is important to you. IMO, if you stay away just because you feel like you acted inappropriately, then you are contributing the worst part of LDS culture by sending the message that only people who don’t make mistakes line our pews. For the sake of people committing significant sins (as well as those of us who are walking faux pas), I hope you’ll go right back and signal that the church is supposed to take us all in – imperfect as we are. And for those who might struggle with pride, I hope you’ll go right back and teach them how to “agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him”.
Again, it’s just my opinion, but I see this as a situaton you can use to be an influence for good wth others.
Your best option is to clean it up quickly and quietly. Be humble, ask for forgiveness, and put it behind you. What’s the big idea losing your temper, anyway? What are you, human or something?
I like the fact that you’ve humbly admitted you made a mistake in losing your temper. I agree with going back to the leader you got angry with and apologizing for getting angry. Ultimately, this will help you feel better about your relationships with people at Church. I wouldn’t withdraw permanently from Church. However if you’re like me, you might be feeling a bit uncomfortable at Church now. In these times, I have a cooling off period where I stay away for a week or two until people forget about it and the situation fades. Cwald used the same approach with a similar situation. I had one situation where a few leaders ganged up on me and I felt REALLY uncomfortable at Church. I went camping with my children the next weekend to reflect and distance myself so I could see the situation objectively.
I like the idea of your own, private Father and Kids campout — but I would do it quietly and NOT as competition to your Ward’s campout. And I’d do it with a group of people who share similar feelings about having the daughters involved. I wouldn’t pitch it as a reaction to the Father and Son campout and I wouldn’t call it Father and Kids…
Also, recognize that the leaders have a hard job. They DID go with everyone’s suggestion and DID hold a Father/Kids campout previously, and then a different group of fathers objected.
By way of solution, perhaps you could also offer to organize an ADDITIONAL, Father Kids campout during the year. If you’re not good at organizing, or don’t like it, then find one of the other supportive fathers to do it. So, the ward has a Father & Son campout and a Father-Kids campout each year, not just a Father-Son campout. Be proactive and step up to the plate to offer a solution that doesn’t entail a lot of work by the leaders, and which satisfies everyone. Get the leader’s buy-in to put it on the calendar.
By the way, I’m just freethinking here.
Thank you for your comments and support. I have sent an email to the EQ president apologizing for the way I publicly attacked him and asking if he had time to meet so I could personally apologize. I also took the opportunity to express my feelings toward excluding our daughters from spending time with their dads. Thanks again for your support. I will let you know how things go.
Talking about it later with people, when everyone has cooled off, that usually does a world of good. Look, it happens. People get upset. What’s important is dealing with it. It looks like you already came to that conclusion too, but just wanted to throw in my 2 cents. Your point is valid. You can be upset.
You also know you probably didn’t handle it the best and most effective way. *Shrug* It happens. So if you feel bad about it, tell them you are sorry. That’s the cool thing to do. Then just move on.
FWIW, I consider myself a VERY calm person. I really don’t get bothered that much at Church. Even I blow up in EQ once a year though
:wtf: 😯 
behappy If you have a few friends with daughters and/or sons plan a campout with them. I would invite as many as I could and make it the best Hover damn campout ever! Let the narrow minded zelots stay home with their boys. I have 4 boys and would love have you come to our father son campout with your whole family!
f4h1
If I was in your shoes I would be pretty mad. Nothing bothers me more than gender issues. I really feel for you. It looks like there is a lot of good advice here and I agree with the suggestions to organise your own camping trip. It sounds like your daughter is very important to you. Don’t let the church get in the way of that. Just do your own thing and let the others do theirs. If your feeling irritated with the church right now maybe you just need a vacation. A couple days camping could really change it. It works for me. behappy wrote:I don’t really want to give up teaching and church because I really do enjoy it most of the time. Have any of you lived through a period where everything seems to irritate you with church? Was there anything you did to help yourself move beyond it?
That’s why I only go to a few ward activities at all. I think I only go to two ward socials: The Christmas Party and another Spring Gathering. I signed up for some activities, but I make my own social activities. I don’t need the church to socialize or have fun. Actually, my work Christmas party was more fulfilling than my ward one. If I want an activity I get my family and then we go do an activity. We are ostracized anyway, and I don’t have any “buddies” at church. I go for my family and I don’t go for my family. One time I was asked, Why weren’t you at Church.” I replied, “Because I was sick and I had two sick kids as well.” I was hoping my inactivity would be unnoticed, but I guess they are worried about my activity. With my first wife, I used to rival some of the church activities by having parties, but then it only backfired–I got called into the activities committee because they found out that my wife and I liked to have fun and could put a decent party together. Another alternative, “get your own campsite near the one they are at and show up with your daughters–It’s a free country. As much as I’m sick and tired of the Young Women always taking a backseat to the Scouting program I just don’t see this as a big deal. People LOVE tradition (and no more so than LDS people) so I think this has more to do with tradition than leaving out the girls. Starting something new is always difficult. I found many opportunities like the ones you stated where I could teach my girls how important they were, and never less important than anyone. I talk to them about serving missions if they want to, or not, playing sports or instruments or singing…or not. One of my girls got her YW award at age 13, the other did not (my son is not progressing in scouting, he’s into basketball). I have always enjoyed my time with my boys in the Father and Son campouts…and equally enjoyed my fishing trips with my daughters, without the ward (Father-Son campouts remind me I need to spend daddy-daughter time with my girls).
I think the message I’ve always sent the kids is that they are important, individually and uniquely. They don’t need the ward to reaffirm that to them. I have found our ward is pretty conscious of fair opportunities between the YM and YW. Its not perfect, but I don’t expect it to be.
Good for you for speaking up, and in that prior year, it sounds like others felt the same way but just maybe didn’t want to rock the boat, but were blessed by your strength to speak your mind. This year it sounds like your ward is choosing to go in a different direction. I think you should do your own camping with your daughter…and keep that special one-on-one time with her…she’ll probably never forget it!
I think my girls would love it if I took them on a campout with this kind of tent…(except for the privacy part) :problem:
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