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Hey Everyone, So I finally put my foot down in a very minimal way with the church and feel so, so much better!!
Little back ground: last December I was called to be the “Temple co-orodinator” for the EQ, meaning I organize the monthly trips. I accepted because to date I had never turned down a calling, and I was very confused on inside (still am, though a bit less
So, after EQ the EQP asked if we could talk about the calling, and I conceded. We talked about emailing people, organizing a little social thing afterward with food (because we can’t do something spiritual without green jello and cookies), etc… I was good with that.
As you can all probably guess, however, it is kind of a given that I should go on these trips. Well the one thing I am sure of right now is that I DON’T want to go to the Temple. It doesn’t up lift me, and it is a lot of time to commit for something I don’t like. Further, I really respect the Temple, like I respect the holy places of
anyreligion, and given where my heart is right now (confused about how honestly I can say I have a testimony of the Restoration, etc), I just don’t feel like I should participate. No one in the ward knows about my faith concerns, but as we were finishing, I told him I am happy to fulfill this calling, but I don’t want to go the Temple. I’ve got some doubts right now, and just need space. I’m not cheating on my wife or hitting up the strip-clubs, don’t worry, but I need space. He was completely okay with it. Said he had a few years in this spot too and knew how it was, (though he appears to be a total TBM still/again) and said if I do want to be released, “let me know.” I was really pleased with his reaction. Maybe I can start to enjoy church if people are actually going to Christlike when I step out of the usual TBM line! He assured me he wouldn’t make a project, too (I made it clear I didn’t want that).
He did say he would be happy to chat if I wanted to, and I said that would be fine. I’m always good with OPEN dialogue. So we decided we would go to lunch next week and just talk.
But now I’m a bit nervous. He feels totally genuine, and I really like the thought of talking face-to-face with someone about my concerns, but despite his reassurance I can’t help but wonder if this will end up bad for me, somehow. Like we’ll get through lunch and he’ll decide I do need to talk to the Bishop (I don’t know my bishop at all, I have no idea if he is cool or not). Am I being unfair wonder about that? Any thoughts?
Hi Herodotus, it sounds like you may have a cool and understanding EQP. I have been fortunate to have compassionate and cool leaders in my ward. I think a key to remember that uncertainty is your friend. It is okay and right to ask questions, it’s okay to not know or not understand. You don’t have to be sure about anything. Those things can never get you into trouble. Trouble starts when you become convinced that the church is something that you want to fight against. Good luck!
It doesn’t seem like you have much to be nervous about with the lunch. I would make sure that you tell him that you want anything you say to be private, just in case. But he seems like he just wants to have lunch with you. I would take the opportunity to talk about whatever you want to talk about. I am very open about my unorthodox beliefs and doubts at church. I personally have had nothing bad come up as a result. I don’t feel conflicted at church anymore because I feel like I can voice my opinion if I need to.
I honestly think that some leaders have the mindset that a person that comes to church in spite of whatever is a lot less work for the leaders than a less active member. I don’t necessarily think that the idea is bad but maybe not so Christlike.
Seriously, there are closet “cool people” all over the place. I am happy you found one. There really are a great many reasonable, mature people in the Church. They just don’t tend to be the most vocal and loud about it. And they can’t really walk around with a name tag to let everyone know, unfortunately. That being said, I think the normal rules of engagement apply. Be cautious about how much you reveal until you get a good feel for their personal comfort level. Many people are open to a more broad perspective, but everyone has a line where people freak them out. I’m one of those quiet people in an average ward too. Even I have a level of anger and rage that I can absorb depending on how much other stress is in my life.
Go slow. Such wise words for life.
Thanks for sound advice everyone. Orson, I appreciate you clarifying that it is okay to doubt, I’ll be sure to not give the impression I want to fight against the church (which is a true statement anyway).
Nightwalden, I think it is wise to make sure he once again understands everything said is confidential, that is quite important to me. This is, after all, the first time I’ve opened up to a ward member, so I’m feeling especially exposed in doing this finally.
Brian, thanks for the reminder on “normal rules of engagement.” I seriously would have forgotten that having little experience in opening up. I tend to be too honest for my own good, and would probably share more than I need to unless I mentally keep myself in check from saying everything I feel.
I really appreciate your responses, I’ll read them over the night before lunch (sometime this next week). I’ll let you know how it goes!
One more thing to consider: Try not to expect too much. I always try to maintain hope for the ideal, but I also try to remember that I’m dealing with flawed people much like myself – and things generally are disappointing if I expect too much. Iow, I hope for the ideal, but I don’t expect it. Expecting the ideal really isn’t fair to the other person, especially since I am unable to provide the ideal more often than not when others come to me.
Thanks Ray, that’s a good point as well. While I want to be optimistic, I won’t get my hopes up. I agree with Ray on trying to manage your expectations. I think realistically, the EQP sounds like a great guy and has Christ-like love in his heart, but he also still has a job to do as EQP, so his motives are his based on his situation. If it is someone you can build up a trust with, that may be extremely helpful to you…as I have found speaking with people face to face about doubts or thoughts is always more helpful to me than posting asynchronous messages and responses on a message board.
On the other hand, if he has had time to think about how to help bring you back into the safe stage 3 fold, he may be well intentioned but not really of help to your journey.
You just have to go with what you’re comfortable with and test the waters. It should be about what you need and what you want to do, not obligated to spend time with him or talk with him if you don’t want to.
If I were in your shoes, I would not be worried. I would go and see what I learn from the experience.
Recently my best friend in the ward made a comment about Joseph Smith. He followed it with, “We all love Brother Joseph don’t we.” I made eye contact with him and said quietly, “The jury is still out on Brother Joseph as far as I’m concerned.” He looked absolutely shocked. We were at church. I’m surprised he didn’t look up to see if the ceiling was collapsing. He was speechless. I turned back to my family history computer, smiling, so he knew I was not his enemy. Today in FH class, I shared a storytelling certificate I was presented with yesterday after finishing workshops through the Methodist church in Redondo Beach, CA. Storytelling is a nature extension of family research. My best friend said “Congrats,” but others in the class stared. How I wish our faith community could have experienced the dynamic witness I heard yesterday. A different way of getting Christian ideals out, Native storytelling uses animals & ancestors to teach ethics, morality, unconditional love, etc. I am Native, so it is perfect & natural for me. More and more I feel the freedom of speaking freely in church, expressing alternate paths to the same goals. If you ever get a chance to hear a Native man, Ray Buckley of Alaska, please do it. He speaks of signs in rural store windows which said, “No Indians or dogs allowed.” He had rocks thrown at him as he rode in the back of his father’s pickup… but he never up on Christ… and neither will I. Herodotus, This is a hard situation. Two years ago I was in the elder’s quorum. My Pres asked me to teach the fifth Sunday lesson on the Proclamation on the family. I do not believe it is inspired and some of it I see as blatantly untrue. I was not ready to completely come out with my issues. I fretted a long time before I went to him and asked if I could teach something else. I can relate.
My two cents is that I believe that when we get past the idea of “I have to”, it helps your psyche a lot. It sounds like initially you took this calling because “I have to”, then you thought about what you feel comfortable with and what you don’t. It sounds like there are really reasons beyond “I have to” that you wish to do this calling. If you can find those reasons and focus on why you choose to do them it will help.
I found when I figured out that I could come to church just because I wanted to – not because I am active, so I just go all the time – I was a much happier person. Also, when I can take an assignment because I choose to it can be enjoyable.
Thanks for sharing your positive experience. Keep us posted! Hope all is going well in your transition to a new area.
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