- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
Building off of another post, I wanted to throw this question out there: As less-than-active/unorthodox members, what can we do to maintain and build those relationships with members we cherish? Any thoughts? What’s worked for you? dande48 wrote:
…what can we do to maintain and build those relationships with members we cherish? Any thoughts? What’s worked for you?
The short answer is: the same way we build relationships with non-members.
I am reluctant to
Quote:show my hand
or reveal my real beliefs & feelings until we establish mutual trust.
We develop trust overtime. Not all at once.
dande48 wrote:
What can we do to maintain and build those relationships with members we cherish? Any thoughts? What’s worked for you?
1.
Determine that those relationships are worth maintaining.I find myself struggling in this area because I expect the people (mostly women) in my branch to lose interest in being my friend if they knew that my current belief system does not match theirs. None of the primary children are in my daughter’s school district – let alone her school. We don’t usually run into other branch members while out and about in our lives. That being said, I have reached out to sisters in the branch who I think would be OK with me still because my daughters need role models and additional support people in their lives. As far as I know, no one bullies my daughter in primary, and a few adults love and enjoy her for who she is (in all her lecturing professor glory).
Our branch Relief Society put together a “Request A Service/Provide a Service” board – and I found the courage to request assistance in putting together better organizing systems for my daughters things (my executive functioning is NOT up for the task) – and 2 sisters LOVE the idea of coming and helping me (NOTE: Not so much the sorting of the toys, but the actual looking at the stuff content-wise and figuring out how to store it to be functional and love beautiful.) I volunteered to teach the limited French Braiding I know to sisters who want to learn.
I’d like to know as well, the first thought that comes to mind is I need more time to have friends these days. We have friends that are active and less active, we just don’t have time to go do things with them.
Maybe it’s priorities, but raising kids and grandkids takes up a lot of time. Pretty much our only social outlet is church.
That being said, the more I’ve gotten to know members, the more I’ve realized they are nuanced in their own way, even if they are TBM types.
AmyJ wrote:
Determine that those relationships are worth maintaining.
LDS_Scoutmaster wrote:
…I need more time to have friends these days.
This is probably where I’m at too. Between long work hours, weekend chores, my family, my work friends… there’s just not a lot of time left. As for my Church friends, those who “know my situation” usually drop off. Some won’t even look at me anymore. Not that those are the kind of friends I want to have. Those who “don’t know” tend to want to bond over the Church, thinking it’s what we share the most in common.
A family had us over last Sunday for dinner, and I’d reckon 85% of the conversation was about the Church. They are a great family… but it’s hard if that’s the most we share in common. I don’t particularly like talking about Church, and I hate feeling like I’ve got to skirt the conversation (No, I still haven’t been assigned a calling). I’d love to build a solid friendship with them, but building it’s foundation around the Church makes things difficult.
AmyJ wrote:
Our branch Relief Society put together a “Request A Service/Provide a Service” board
That is an AWESOME idea!!!:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: Understand their level of orthodoxy and don’t challenge it in any way, even through casual expression of your beliefs. Participate in their church conversations. You can still ask them questions about how they feel about the 2 hour block, the combined priesthood quorums, and other changes that are very positive. You can talk about common ground. Don’t get into the testimony or historical stuff with them.
Focus on common interests, being loyal, doing service. Stay in touch with them. Make the relationship transcend the church.
dande48 wrote:
AmyJ wrote:
Determine that those relationships are worth maintaining.
LDS_Scoutmaster wrote:
…I need more time to have friends these days.
This is probably where I’m at too. Between long work hours, weekend chores, my family, my work friends… there’s just not a lot of time left. As for my Church friends, those who “know my situation” usually drop off. Some won’t even look at me anymore. Not that those are the kind of friends I want to have. Those who “don’t know” tend to want to bond over the Church, thinking it’s what we share the most in common.
I could probably find the time. I just don’t find the emotional/executive functioning resources to do so. It doesn’t help any that my current employment position is people-oriented, so that when I get home – I don’t want to deal with people – including myself. Since that is unreasonable because I have a husband, 2 children, a cat and a dog, I just don’t deal face-to-face with others…
It doesn’t help that I don’t have a good way to explain the almost invisible non-normal aspects of our life without inducing judgement in a socially acceptable manner. Words fail me in social settings to explain that my husband deals with chronic health issues that contribute to his worldview and staying home with our children instead of working. How do I explain that I take my daughters to R.S. functions because I believe I am supposed to be there, and that my husband needs a break? [NOTE: I always contact a member of the R.S. presidency to confirm I can bring them if it is not clearly child friendly – and some activities we just don’t do.] . How do I explain that my daughter is going to be bouncing off the walls correctly sprouting 3-4 syllable words and that we spell out everything verbally (it can look weird verbalizing stuff that you would tell a 3 year old, but not a 9 year old). How do I explain that being a full time employee, full time student, and family case manager/scheduler/researcher/sous chef/cleaner/list compiler is what I do – and that it ALL I do to those Super-Moms who have more children and more responsibilities then I do? This is until my toddler becomes a teenager. She already appears to have more executive functioning then the rest of us, and we predict that she will run our household executive functioning wise mostly to make her life more organized for her peace of mind. This is the toddler who throws a temper tantrum whenever we DON’T let her take her dirty diapers to the trash can by herself.
NOTE: Yes, I probably owe no explanation. But if you want to know us, you learn about our limitations and non-conformity first because those factors define first encounters with my family. Then you learn about how funny my daughter is, how smart and tech savy my husband is. You learn that I am a great friend who knows a few things. And you get charmed by my toddler who is one of the most outgoing people I know (she got the dourest High Priest in our branch to smile and come over to coo at her). I wish that I did not have to explain – but my greater wish is to live our lives as best we can, and invite others into our world periodically – because it has a lot of cool aspects to it.
dande48 wrote:
A family had us over last Sunday for dinner, and I’d reckon 85% of the conversation was about the Church. They are a great family… but it’s hard if that’s the most we share in common. I don’t particularly like talking about Church, and I hate feeling like I’ve got to skirt the conversation (No, I still haven’t been assigned a calling). I’d love to build a solid friendship with them, but building it’s foundation around the Church makes things difficult.
We don’t do dinners. I take the girls to branch gatherings most of the time (my husband stays at home being the introvert) – within 10 minutes of being at one, the oldest wants to go play in the nursery. I have had some opportunities to bond, but most of the time I wind up wondering why I bothered to come. But I do schedule some activities with some people (1 person or family at a time) in the branch – and that works better.
dande48 wrote:
AmyJ wrote:
Our branch Relief Society put together a “Request A Service/Provide a Service” board
That is an AWESOME idea!!!:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
I am grateful for the board because it allows 2 sisters to volunteer to come help spatially reorganize some of our stuff. Interior design and spatial planning are NOT my strong points (though most LDS Moms seem to have that in spades).
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.