- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
Maybe I should do this in the introduction section but I really need some advice. My DH was excommunicated before we were even married. He had lots of doubts about the church and I felt that he needed to decide on his own what he needed. Anyway he now wants nothing to do with the LDS church or most religions in general and does not want our daughters to even hear about it. I understand where he is coming from and feel that he needs to do what he feels is right. My problem is that every time I go to church or even talk to my family about it we have to have a huge discussion about how “pernicious” it is and how I am brain washed. I’m so worn out that I haven’t been in 3 years. I feel terrible because my daughter loves it but I am afraid of what to expect when I come home because my DH behavior has been escalating.
My major worry though is that he has been verbally and mentally abusive in the past. He’s told me that marrying me was stupid and that he wanted to date other girls behind my back. He’s told me I’m to stupid to get myself out of a paper bag. He puts down my daughters and has taken very little interest in their lives. He wouldn’t even visit my baby in the hospital because it was “too boring”. He actually physically hurt me recently and left me crying on the kitchen floor after I passed out. I finally left and his family came to my aid. I stayed with his active father and step mom for a while. He is very angry that they are supporting me and claims it all has to do with him leaving the church. He doesn’t understand that his family has seen the stuff he’s done. They were there when he wouldn’t buy me food, when I asked him to help me carry one of our two daughters he would tell me that I needed to get stronger and more coordinated, and when he would move his hand so he wouldn’t have to hold hands with me.
Anyway to make a long story short, he has been treating me better and I have moved back in with him. However, he still makes comments like, “you’re only angry that I left the church because your dad is a bishop” and “I’m nice because it’s right and not because God told me to”. He is very wrong about my reasons to stay with the church. I feel the same way as many of you do. I just don’t know if there are any suggestions to help me help him understand my real reasons for leaving. If I was going to leave him because he left the church I would have never married him.
Welcome to the forums Happymom. I hope we can be a support for you, however you want to proceed. Thanks for sharing a part of your very painful story. Just to be clear, your husband’s behavior was not acceptable at all. I hope you realize that. I hope you’ve established that with him and have a strict boundary with that type of behavior. Do not stay for any reason if it is not completely safe. He may not be marriage material. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is my observation. He seems to be lacking even the basic levels of adult emotional maturity.
Your reasons for staying in the Church are whatever you want them to be. He can’t tell you what you believe or don’t believe. He can’t define your faith. Participation in Church or not is your decision. Yes, there probably should be some level of agreement between you about the children. That would normally be reasonable if he was also being reasonable and mature about it.
You won’t be able to convince him or prove anything about the Church. We make these decisions. You can be a good example. Actions speak louder than words. Love him and treat him with respect.
Demandthe same in return. I don’t have nearly the problem you do, but my DW left the Church. I accept her decision. She has given me grief for staying at times. She has come to accept my decision a lot over the past year or so. Happymom, this is tough, because it is complicated – and because justifications play a huge role in these situations. To me, the key was the following statement:
Quote:I’m so worn out that I haven’t been in 3 years. I feel terrible because my daughter loves it but
I am afraid of what to expect when I come homebecause my DH behavior has been escalating. Is he keeping you from going to Church? Is he insisting that you not go when you want to go? Is he keeping your kids from doing what they want to do? If so, and if you really want to attend, leave him again. If not, if he is not stopping you from attending, but “only” is questioning why you would go, consider staying with him.
Is he still abusive – emotionally and/or physically? Even if he is better than he was, if he still is abusive leave him – especially if he is keeping you from doing what you want for yourself and your girls. If he truly has changed, and he isn’t abusive any more and doesn’t fight your desire to go to church, consider staying with him –
IF he still is someone with whom you want to spend eternity.The tendency to stay in a “less abusive” relationship because “he wants to change” and “I still love him” (or “for the kids”) is a bad tendency, as bluntly as I can put it. To me, “desire” doesn’t cut it in cases where abuse has been a real and serious problem – like what you have described. In those cases, actions and actions alone are key. He can say he’s trying to change until he’s blue in the face; what matters is if he actually IS changing. If he still is belittling, insulting, demeaning, controlling and/or physically abusive, he’s not changing ENOUGH. Your post makes it sound like that’s the case.
I am counseling a family right now where two adult children are living with their elderly mother. All were emotionally and verbally abused by their husband/father before he died. It is a terrible situation, and I’ve told them in no uncertain terms that they need to consider seriously the option of splitting up and healing individually before trying to live together again. Frankly, I don’t think they will be able to heal while they are together. There’s just too much baggage right now.
So, again, no answers directly, but staying in a relationship and acting out of fear is almost never the best solution.
It really helps a lot to hear all of this advice. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy or that I am totally out of line for even considering staying with the church when I am around him. He tells me that I am brainwashed and that I will be brainwashing my children. I can kind of understand why he thinks that but at the same time I’ve told him that I”m not going to force my children to go or kick them out of the house if they leave. It is their decision. I’m just frustrated with myself because I ended up going back to him even though I told myself I was going to find my own apartment and live on my own for a while. Most of the time he has been great since I’ve come back and has been helping me more with my house and kids. But there are some weird comments he makes every now and then that really drive me nuts. For example, he said “I’m nice because I want to, not because God told me to”. So I asked him if he thought I was nice just because God told me to and he just smiled and wouldn’t answer. He tries to tell me that pornography is healthy and that I am ridiculous for telling him I don’t want him to watch it. He didn’t watch it when we got married. He promised me he would stop and now I’m the one being ridiculous. What bothers me the most though, is how he treats his family. He writes them nasty e-mails telling them that they have no right to support me and that they have no idea what “abuse” is. I told him last night that we still need to go to counseling like we’ve planned for the last month. I’m going by myself but want to go with him also. He seemed surprised but willing to go so I will see how it goes in the next couple of weeks.
Fwiw, the key is change. Is he really changing or not? Based on the additional info in your intro, it appears that he’s not really trying to change – and if he really is leading an anti-Mormon effort, I can’t see him accepting and supporting you returning to activity. I am wary given what you have shared, but I can’t make the call for you. I only can add that volatile situations are rarely good situations.
Like Ray said, it has to be your call. You are the one in the trenches day-to-day. I know there is a powerful instinct to make marriages work, especially with children involved. That is generally a good and healthy instinct. Don’t let it put you in a dangerous situation. Who is brainwashing who? Based on your continued description he sounds like someone with incredible bottled-up rage. He sounds like he has a warped and unhealthy reality, and very little ability to connect with others in a healthy, normal, empathetic way. Why does he care so much about the motivations for people to be nice? Does it matter why people are nice to each other as long as it is genuine (not manipulative)? I mean think about that. Is it better to be cruel just to prove you aren’t controlled by religious brainwashing? Big deal! That isn’t an accomplishment…
I’m going to get all macho for a minute, but I have little tolerance for my fellow brothers in this regard. A real man takes care of his wife and his children. A real man is responsible for their well-being (emotional and physical needs). Life doesn’t have to be fancy, but that is our responsibility. A man that throws tantrums and dominates through intimidation is a little boy in an adult-sized body. *end of macho rant*
No level of abuse is acceptable.
Quote:Does it matter why people are nice to each other as long as it is genuine (not manipulative)? I mean think about that. Is it better to be cruel just to prove you aren’t controlled by religious brainwashing?
What a great point!
Happymom – Good luck, and I hope you find what you seek on the board.
Valoel wrote:
I’m going to get all macho for a minute, but I have little tolerance for my fellow brothers in this regard. A real man takes care of his wife and his children. A real man is responsible for their well-being (emotional and physical needs). Life doesn’t have to be fancy, but that is our responsibility. A man that throws tantrums and dominates through intimidation is a little boy in an adult-sized body. *end of macho rant*No level of abuse is acceptable.
Now I know this may sound stupid and I DONT want anyone to htink I might be making excuses or anything like that
As part of the “change” exercise
Has your husband looked into any form of councelling
I occasionally lose my temper – I recognise that this cant go on so I am getting counseeling at the moment
It has helped me a LOT
I know some of the reasons behind my outbursts – I wont go into those here (dont want to threadjack! lol) and I have been given techniques to change my behaviour patterns
So as part of that change process – would your husband look into that?
I hope I didn’t come across too harsh with my rant. We all lose our temper at times. Lord knows I come home grumpy from work half the time. There’s a line though somewhere that can’t be crossed. I have this dopey habit, like a ritual now, because honestly my DW told me once that everyone dreaded my coming home (the mood). I think of Spongebob Squarepants. Yes, lol. That is my mental image. The first thing I do every day when I walk in the door is to go all around the house and “Say hi to everyone in Bikini Bottom.” There was an episode where Spongebob did that when he found out he wasn’t going to work one day. I find my DW and every single child, say hello to them by name, ask them how they are, and THEN I go change my clothes and decompress. It is dopey. They think it is a little silly sometimes, but it works for me. It totally changes my mood, and the mood of the home. Happymom was talking about being physically assaulted, passing out, having to flee her home and throw herself on the mercy of relatives for support. Where is that line crossed? Life is gray, but that description is an easy call. No way!
Many have spoken to you about abuse being unacceptable, so I don’t want to repeat that as I know that you know in your heart that it is not only dangerous to your body, but to heart, mind and soul and that of your children as there is emotional and all kinds of other abuse. I am going to suggest some reading and perhaps going to some classes on domestic abuse to learn more about it and how to get out if need be. One is Too Good to Leave/Too bad to Stayby Mira Kirshenbaum. It is a step by step guide to help you decided whether to stay in a or get out of your relationship. I have read that it often takes women up to 9 times before actually leaving an abusive relationship. Another is a The Language of Letting Go. I have worked with women in these situations and therefore educated myself on the subject. I wish you the best and am so glad you brought it up here for some support. I don’t where you live, but here is a Toll-free number that you can call for some support from anywhere: 866-262-9284. It is a faith based non-profit dedicated to helping women recover from domestic abuse. If he hurt you, you have every right to get away. He may seem like he is “coming around,” but that is a classic behavior pattern of abusers. You and your children deserve better. You deserve to be physically safe, to be respected, taken care of and loved. You do not owe this man anything after he has repeatedly broken his own promises and your hearts and caused you intentional harm.
The best advise I can give you is this Think about your closes friend, or sister/other really close family member
If they were in your situation…what advice would you give them if you were being really honest
What would you want to do to help them
Think about that
and take that advice yourself
i wish you well
let us know how you get on
Thanks magic musician for the advice. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I see others in my situation and I want them to leave but I have a hard time doing it myself. I always told myself that I would never stay in a situation like this and then find myself staying. I think it is because worry too much about what others think. I’ve made a lot of progress in that area and I am less concerned about it but sometimes I still feel like I have to justify my leaving. My dh accuses me of wanting to leave because of the church and I want to defend that but at the same time I realize that I probably will never convince him otherwise. I’m coming closer and closer to leaving. I have nights like last night where he is just trying to bug me for no reason and make my life difficult to “improve me” and I just want out.
ok this is gonna sound crazy but whereabouts in the world are you uk
usa
mainland europe?
do you have ANY network of people that you can go to that wont judge you for leaving
anywhere you can go and stay that he wont find you?
I live in the US. I have been working with a project hope advocate for a few years. The night I left I went into a safe house. If I need I can go back. The project hope advocate is great. She has helped me work through a lot of my fears. I am really worried about what he might do if I leave. The last time I left he was very vindictive. He tried destroying some of my stuff and locked me out of my house. It’s probably better than staying but I have to plan leaving very carefully.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.