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Roy wrote:LookingHard wrote:
I was about to do a pitty post about how I read “the 5 love languages” and was ecstatic about the truths I felt I found in it and probably explained much of my significant marital discord. When I shared it with my wife said, “That is the stupidest thing I have heard. I don’t believe people have a ‘love language’!”
I guess that is similar to some of the issues with one spouse thinking something is just so true it jumps out of the pages of the book and slaps you in the face and then to have a spouse basically say that it is all rubbish.
DW and I also have read the 5 love languages. I recommend that any books/classes of this nature be taken together. This puts both spouses on the same page about what you each of you are trying to accomplish.
I also do not believe that any one model captures relationship dynamics perfectly. However models are a great way to see and understand certain trends. They can provide a bird’s eye view when we otherwise might be too close and emotionally tied to the action to see the bigger picture.
Yep. For me some of the examples of how different people feel love are. I am one of those that I could care less if I ever hear the words, “I love you”. But I have found that it is important for my wife to hear. Reading books and investigating some of these models can tease out some un-vocalized views or preferences – some of which are just so much a part of you that you never even thought about them yourself. Even when I read the book just by myself I had a few, “someone could feel differently than me?????” moments.It sounds like you are already doing a good job at this, but my biggest advice would be to keep respecting his beliefs. If my husband had not been so determined to take me out of the church with him we might have made it, but instead he felt the need to make me feel like everything I loved, and basically my whole life was nothing but rubbish. For me this was the last straw in a string of broken promises, and the different beliefs about whether or not I needed to be married gave me the incentive to leave. The divorce was originally his idea because he couldn’t handle the fact that I still wanted to wear my garments and go to church, but I was the one who stuck with the idea once the decision was made. As someone mentioned earlier, you have the right to feel pain and disappointment over what you are going through, but so does he. Make sure you spend more time trying to understand him than trying to tell him he’s wrong. I have been reading a book called “The New I Do.” It advocates rethinking marriage entirely. We enter marriage at a young age with one set of expectations, but those expectations and needs differ greatly through the course of our lives. Change happens. We absolutely don’t stay the same or need the same things. The author advocates shorter-term marital contracts with specific goals and parameters that can be renewed or changed at the end of the contract period. While it’s a radical notion, and it’s not one we grew up with, she does identify several different types of marriages. Here are 4 that will sound familiar: –
Starter Marriage. Usually when young adults are just starting out, and they want to pool their financial resources, to finish their education, to start their adults lives with a partner. These marriages are usually romantic and sexual in nature. They seek a romantic or sexual partner. Financial stability is less important. –
Parenting Marriage. When a couple is ready to make a child (or more than one) the focus of their adult lives. They seek someone who is going to be a good parent and partner in parenting, who will pull his or her weight, who wants the same things and has a similar disciplinary or child-rearing philosophy. –
Companionship Marriage. When children are grown, a couple wants someone who is a friend and partner. Financial stability matters, as do common interests and respect. –
Caretaking Marriage. In advancing years, people need a partner to help them when they are sick or infirm, to remind them to take medications and visit the doctor, to be a good influence on their health and well being (optimistic and supportive). Common interests become less important than being reliable and helpful. What I noticed as I read the book is that the stress points in our “lifelong” marriages come as we transition between these phases, and what’s interesting is that so many couples undergoing faith crisis are also at a transition point between types of marriages.
countrygirl444 wrote:It sounds like you are already doing a good job at this, but my biggest advice would be to keep respecting his beliefs. If my husband had not been so determined to take me out of the church with him we might have made it, but instead he felt the need to make me feel like everything I loved, and basically my whole life was nothing but rubbish. For me this was the last straw in a string of broken promises, and the different beliefs about whether or not I needed to be married gave me the incentive to leave. The divorce was originally his idea because he couldn’t handle the fact that I still wanted to wear my garments and go to church, but I was the one who stuck with the idea once the decision was made. As someone mentioned earlier, you have the right to feel pain and disappointment over what you are going through, but so does he. Make sure you spend more time trying to understand him than trying to tell him he’s wrong.
I think there’s good advice here. In my own faith crisis I had adopted a “do no harm” stance and was not trying to persuade anyone (particularly my family) to believe as I did. However, because my beliefs had changed and were not in sync with my wife’s there was some stress on our relationship. While I always respected her retaining her beliefs (which doesn’t mean we didn’t at times argue about it), she did not always respect mine. Mutual respect in this and other aspects is key, I think.
E4M, I second the advice to respect you husband’s faith, and leave it pretty much at that. Build your marriage on something different. This takes time. If I may, I have a terribly difficult time respecting my wife’s current lds beliefs. But she’s not crazy, just stubbornly attached to her faith because it was always the one constant in her life. She’s still a progressive person in many other ways–supports gay marriage, bashes on obnoxiously orthodox testimonies, etc. But when I mention anything even remotely critical, it’s over, the Titanic has sunk and our marriage is being kept afloat by some passing flotsam. I hang on to victories when they come, but I am in no way trying to steer her away from the church. Just the other day we were having the missionaries over for dinner, and she jokingly said “I know it’s hard for you to support people who are spreading false truth. If it helps, I can send subliminal messages about the falseness they are spreading.”
Me: “Like telling them you found this recipe by peeping around online?”
her: “or ‘I just pulled the recipe out of a hat!'”
:angel: It’s the small things.
Seriously though, I empathize with your situation and have spent lots of time daydreaming. I have also spent time in counseling which helps. And, I know it’s not a popular thing here, but I have found it helps to pray as a couple. NOT because prayer magically fixes anything, but because the two of you are meditating and reaching out as one. It’s a way for you to show respect for his beliefs, and hopefully doesn’t violate your own integrity. Wishing you a better future
🙂 Praying as a couple is an extremely popular thing here, IF prayer is important to a spouse AND if it doesn’t cause tension and difficulty. Seriously, I think there are not many here who would not recommend it in those situations.
Sorry, my mistake. I think I was trying to be careful not to promote the unpopular idea of ones problems arising because one hasn’t prayed enough. Looks like I over generalized. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
It’s cool – and I think we all agree completely with that concern. Yep – I would agree. I think I lost the majority of my faith after decades of praying for our marriage – even vocalizing this in nightly prayers together. I kept thinking “what am I doing wrong in my marriage and what am I doing wrong to make me unworthy of having my prayer answered?” The last few years of my prayers were, “God – help me know what to pray for because I don’t even know what to pray for, but I know things are terribly wrong and I am so unhappy.” I don’t know that prayer trumps someone else’s free agency.
It’s funny so many of you mentioned praying together. My husband and I used to pray together every night, and we read the BOM aloud together every night. We finished it a few months back, just as I was starting my FC. He wanted to start over reading it again immediately and I just couldn’t stomach it. And that’s when we quit praying together. I don’t miss either activity. And I understand the feeling of praying and praying for something to change, and not knowing what to say. I have reached the point of just being able to say “please help me God” over and over. We don’t discuss my FC, because he really doesn’t want to hear about it. We had a long talk about a week ago about trust, and I felt better for a day or so, until I realized that he doesn’t trust me as much as I trust him. That was a punch in the gut.
And so I have heeded the counsel given here–I don’t nag him about my beliefs and my FC, always wanting to talk about it, I don’t bash on his complete orthodoxy, I avoid subjects I know will be contentious (SSM), and I try to trust in my HF. I am not any happier today than I was a month or a year ago. I know I need to be patient, and also to decide if this is how I want to live my life. I know I want more. I have had more in the past and I want it again. I am not sure that God really cares if I have it again, and it is ultimately my decision. I have to get through the next 4 years. After that, I can decide what to do, both regarding my marriage and my participation in the church. It may be a long 4 years……
Eternity4me wrote:I have reached the point of just being able to say “please help me God” over and over.
If you are like me in my FC, they were some of the most fervent prayers.
countrygirl444 wrote:It sounds like you are already doing a good job at this, but my biggest advice would be to keep respecting his beliefs. If my husband had not been so determined to take me out of the church with him we might have made it, but instead he felt the need to make me feel like everything I loved, and basically my whole life was nothing but rubbish.
Mutual respect is goes a long way when it comes to differences of opinion in any arena. I am a different person than
:shh: when my DW and I got married, and she has become a different person over the years as well.Don’t get me wrong we’ve had our arguments over differences of opinion and one of us overbearing on the other because we don’t understand their point of view or think their point of view is wrong. But those are temporary and we eventually get over it. There’s much more to our marriage than just similar religious views. We have different religious views , and over the years of my faith evolution,, she has had hers in little ways as well.
Counseling is usually a good option, as it allows for open discussion and each of you can get things off of your chest, you may find that you are closer as a couple.
Getting divorce causes a lot more pain than you think. To you, your husband, and your kids. Not to mention the financial devastation. Tim, I have been through a divorce before, and you are right, it is painful. But my husband is not the father of any of my children so that issue is a little easier to resolve. Not to mention that I have kept many of my assets as separate property, so the financial part is more easily worked out.
Interestingly, I had an ephiphany yesterday about all of this. My husband refuses to sign a durable power of attorney in the event he loses capacity. I signed one giving him power of attorney, and his refusal to sign made me angry. I felt he didn’t trust me, yet I showed trust in him. The ephiphany came when I realized that the pain this causes me (which he doesn’t seem to care about) is not much different than the pain my FC causes him. For some reason, it feels like we are on more equal footing. That has helped me immensely. I can’t explain why, but perhaps it feels like we are now “even steven”. Call me juvenile, but no one wants to hurt alone. Perhaps he can’t help his feelings of distrust ( he claims it isn’t distrust, just that he will never need it), any more than I can help the feelings I have about my FC. For whatever reason, I have felt more peace yesterday and today than I have felt in a while about my marriage. Maybe we are just equally distrustful
😆 Whatever, it is manageable for now.He must have reasons for not wanting to sign? Communication to find out where he stands and why he does or doesn’t do what he does will help you both understand each other. I’m not implying that you’re not communicating, but it sounds like there are reasons that you might not be aware of.
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