marriage

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all of your helpful, supportive replies.

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That is what I would focus on–the fact that one of your kids could be gay, and even if not, there is no question that they will have gay friends.

I did point out to my husband that my biggest worry in how we present this is that one of our children may come out as gay (not that I see signs, just statistically there is a chance), and I never want a child to look back and be hurt by what we said or taught in regards to that. My husband never says anything negative about being gay or gay marriage, he just doesn’t talk about it. So yeah, maybe its one thing I just let drop for now. The bigger issue is how do I feel close to him when I feel like some topics are off limits.

SilentDawning–that marriage website is an excellent recommendation, but it also highlights my worries. Some of his (Dr. Harley’s) principles for a good marriage are 1) 100% honesty and 2) joint agreement–meaning you never do anything your spouse doesn’t enthusiastically support. I feel like both of those are going to be so hard for us now. I don’t feel able to be open and honest about how I feel a lot of issues that relate to the church. And while I am willing to continue with much of our church activity in support of my husband, it is taking a lot of mental compromise on my part.

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It’s the distance and wariness of each other. It’s sad and difficult.

This is what is so hard. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I feel like I have to tip toe around things. We came into marriage so in sync and now it just feels so out of whack. I am not the girl he married, and it makes me so sad to think that if we met for the first time now, he wouldn’t likely even date me.

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I had to deliberately bring things into our relationship, or bring things back from earlier times in our marriage, that had good associations and potential to bring us together. I’m not in autopilot anymore, agreeing with him about most things said and done at church, or happy to socialize 99% of the time with LDS friends. Find things to fill the voids.

I think this will be my goal for the next while–fill our marriage with things that bring us together and worry less about what separates us now.

Thanks again for the support.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to give another big thank you to SD for the recommendation to check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

I read through a ton of material on the site and then had a long discussion about it on our date night. It gave us a great way to start talking more about how to meet each others’ needs. It also helped me realize that the issues I brought up here before really aren’t relevant to me having a happy marriage. We aren’t on the same page ideologically, politically, or religiously always, but we can meet each others’ needs very well still.

So thank you so much! I highly recommend the site to anyone looking to improve their marriage. If nothing else it gives you a lot of food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Stayforthedip wrote:

I wanted to give another big thank you to SD for the recommendation to check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

I read through a ton of material on the site and then had a long discussion about it on our date night. It gave us a great way to start talking more about how to meet each others’ needs. It also helped me realize that the issues I brought up here before really aren’t relevant to me having a happy marriage. We aren’t on the same page ideologically, politically, or religiously always, but we can meet each others’ needs very well still.

So thank you so much! I highly recommend the site to anyone looking to improve their marriage. If nothing else it gives you a lot of food for thought.

You are welcome. I have long thought that a man, or woman, who has a partner who meets their most important needs really, really well, is considered a “keeper” even though there is difference of opinion on so many other matters. I try to visualize a situation where I have a caring spouse, who helps me look after the house, has brilliant ideas about how to solve the problems we face in our lives, works along side me in my service efforts, looks after my physical needs, is a fantastic mother, provides strong financial resources alongside my own, has great people skills and respect and admiration for me, but doesn’t believe in the church. All those charms would more than compensate for her lack of churchiness. Add to that mix my own ability to meet HER needs without really changing who I am, with regular expressions of love and respect for our relationship from her as a result — that also would more than compensate for lack of church unity.

I also think it’s a pretty tall order for God to keep people single for eternity. You put two people in the same room for eternity — a relationship of some kind will develop….I think even non-church relationships are likely to last for eternity if we want them.

I think the key is to NOT let the church have so much influence over your life that it crowds out the permanent things that really matter — your personal happiness and your family relationships. Church relationships are fleeting. I saw a person I worked with for years in Bpric and Stake Leadership positions a while ago, after a 20 year hiatus. We had a polite conversation but there was no deep connection anymore. That was a business relationship. My relationship with my sister and my children — that’s permanent and to be preserved, and not to let the church come between us.

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