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I have never wanted to leave because I’ve been offended but what happened yesterday has me ready to withdraw my support of a church that pretends to be the church of Christ and yet is more concerned with what young men wear and their outward appearance. I do not want to bring attention to myself through this but I’m just tired of the way the members of the church are taught to be exclusive and judgemental in so many ways.
Yesterday, my dh and I were away on a little getaway but our kids got themselves to church. My ds14 got himself there early to prepare the sacrament which he did but the priest who was with him wouldn’t allow him to place the tablecloth over the sacrament because he wasn’t wearing a white shirt. He was wearing a lavender dress shirt, tie and black suit pants.
Now, I realize this is a 16 year old kid, with not a lot of life experience nor much practice at compassion but where is he getting this attitude? As parents we have never been informed that our son would not be able to participate fully in preparing the sacrament nor in passing or in the future blessing it if he wasn’t wearing the “uniform”.
My son was hurt and I’m just angry and concerned about the little messages these kinds of things teach my children.
Any thoughts on how to handle this one. A few weeks ago I was very close to choosing inactivity and this incident is pushing me that direction again.
CG
I would speak to the young men’s president. There have been times when I have spoken up. I would make use of all the gentle-person’s phraseology you can, be kind about it, and also suggest how it might be handled better by the YM organization in the future. I would also consider letting the YM president know the impact that these obsessive cultural norms have on certain people, perhaps even sharing how I feel personally, without letting the person know it’s ME I’m talking about. For example, “did you know, there are a lot of people who find this over-emphasis on protocol, especially over minor incidents like this as another reason to lessen their involvement in the Church?”. Phrases such as “I think there is room for judgment on matters like these”. “We need to balance protocol with the needs of individuals, especially in situations like this, which in the long run, are pretty minor”. I might even share how this spills over onto non-members who come to Church bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, only to find everyone gets on their case about their slacks, if women, their lack of a tie, their hair, their earring, etcetera. Use it as a moment to effect change. See it as an opportunity.
I would talk with the Bishop directly, as the President of the Aaronic Priesthood AND the YM President, as an advisor. I would explain what you told us – that your son was dedicated enough to get himself to church while his parents were gone only to be told he couldn’t help perform one of his Priesthood duties because of the shirt he wore. I would emphasize that Elder Holland said EXPLICITLY in his talk that a white shirt is not REQUIRED to participate in the administration of the sacrament. I would go in with a “what can we do to ease the incredible hurt my son felt” rather than a “can you believe what that ignorant Priest did to my son” attitude, since it is never a good idea to risk making someone be defensive of someone else right from the start. I hope whatever you choose to do has a good result – that the person/people with whom you speak will understand and not be hyper-Pharisaical.
canadiangirl This would upset me also. What does your husband think? I have to be careful when conflict involves my children so that I don’t over react and later regret having acted so abruptly. Patients and thoughfulness are almost always safe answers but are not my first choices when I feel that me or my family have been wronged. May wisdom guide your actions.
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I mourn for our church. Our people will not listen to their own prophets. The whole white shirt thing… – sigh-….just another example of how closely much of our culture has become like the Israelites during the saviors time on earth. Sad really. All great advice. Patience and Wisdom, two characteristics that I have a difficult time with. On my wedding day, when my father was giving the toast to the bride, he told (or rather warned) my dh that I was a passionate woman. Well that is an understatement I’m afraid. My first response is “heat”. So now that I’ve had some time to cool off and I’ve vented here and at NOM I’m feeling a little bit more rational. I’ve also had a more thorough conversation with ds about the situation and he told me more of the story. After Sacrament meeting the priest told my son to clean up the sacrament, my ds responded with saying, “sorry can’t, I’m not wearing a white shirt.” Another older priest (18yo) overheard the conversation, asked my ds what was up and promptly corrected the 16 year old priest. (The 18yo, 16 yo, and a few of the young women promptly left to joy ride during Sunday School while my ds cleaned up the sacrament) So it seems that amongst themselves this situation was dealt with, sort of. Was the 18 year old just fixing the situation so that they could hurry off on their drive? I don’t know but for now I’ll try to remind myself that I am not to take things so seriously and either my dh or I will address the situation with the bishop as per Ray and SD advice.
And yes cwald I agree. What are our youth going to be like as leaders when this is what human beings tend to do with so many rules and “suggestions”?
CG
my husband was told once that he could not help pass the sacrament :think: because he was wearing blue. i had no idea it wasnt an official rule. im sorry that happened to your son. im filing this information away incase it ever comes up again.fwiw – I have been excluded from blessing and passing the sacrament by BP councilors many times because I wear blue. I have also been asked to do these duties a few times by the BP, while wearing blue. Go figure.
CG – I left you a heart felt response at NOM. I stand by it. Hang in there. If you have to leave, I hope it will be on your terms and when you decide to leave. I hate to think that other people are going to force us into making this kind of decision.
As a young man, I wore my prom suit to church after the day after the dance. The shirt was white but did not have a collar; there was a decorative button thing over the top button. I was not permitted to prepare or pass the sacrament because I didn’t have a tie. So, is it the white shirt, the tie, both, or neither that form the critical elements? Neither. Even in Elder Holland’s talk, neither. He said it is cultural and symbolic, and he said it isn’t essential – even though he obviously encouraged it wherever possible. Honestly, I look at it differently since his talk, as I “get” the desire to make it more visually symbolic of a baptismal covenant ordinance – but that doesn’t make either a white shirt or tie essential or necessary.
Ray – when was Elder Hollands talk? I’d love to keep it tucked away as a reference for future use. I’m already embarrassed that I missed hearing him say it. Thanks for the reference.
Hall & Oates – Holland, Oaks 😆 Elder Holland first spoke about it in the October 1995 General Conference, and Elder Oaks quoted from that talk in the October 2008 General Conference.
Elder Holland’s talk is old enough that it hasn’t been added yet to the updated site, but Elder Oaks’ talk is at:
http://lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/sacrament-meeting-and-the-sacrament?/lang=eng (Notice, Elder Holland’s use of “suggest” and “wherever possible” in the part that Elder Oaks quoted – and the limiting of that suggestion to the young men, which is interesting in and of itself.)
My post about it is:
http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2011/01/white-shirts-and-sacrament.html
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