- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
I apologize if this is a long post, or comes off as ranty. Also fwiw, I will be seeing a therapist very soon here. But I’m not confident that will change anything. However I am starting to feel the church, no matter how much I try to get involved just doesn’t want me. No idea what it is. Maybe it’s because I’m not Mormon enough, or I’m just simply defective. The broken toy, the toy nobody wants to play with. Like I said I have been trying to get more involved, and make friends. But as a 30 year old YSA this task is very very difficult. I am basically invisible to everyone. What confirmed this? I gave a talk in sacrament meeting a few weeks ago. And nobody, and I do mean nobody told me they liked my talk. I wasn’t expecting anyone to, but I just happened to notice this. I simply do not feel wanted in the church. From trying to make friends within the church to dating. I mean why would anyone want to be my friend or date me? I’m broken. I don’t offer anything of value. I’m sorry to say this – but from my upbringing in the church up until now I’m really starting to grow spiteful of the entire church. I know after church I always feel annoyed, upset and just sad. Knowing I couldn’t make any friends, or connections with anyone. And yes — I understand that’s not what the church is all about. But how is someone like me expected to stick around? Especially as someone who is single, and in their 30s?
I have ZERO in common with Mormons. Despite growing up in the church. I just have distinct interests. I don’t “get” Mormon culture, and frankly it pisses me off. And rubs me the wrong way. I have always been a bit of a maverick, and an independent thinker. So that doesn’t help my situation. I’m sorry I’m just angry.
Sorry you’re feeling left out. I do think that part of a church community SHOULD be about social bonding around some shared beliefs. That’s one of the biggest draws for people.
It doesn’t sound like that’s working for you, and I think your consternation is pretty common. It is my opinion that it would probably be helpful to give yourself the freedom to seek social connections elsewhere. It doesn’t have to be a church, and it would probably help if you’re finding folks who share similar interests, beliefs, hobbies, etc.
I would also encourage you to reframe your thoughts from “maybe the church doesn’t want me” to “maybe I can find meaningful social and/or spiritual connection somewhere else”. For whatever reason, it doesn’t sound like the people in your current church have been very sensitive to your needs, which might be because they are too wrapped up in their own world, or you haven’t effectively communicated your needs to them, or any other dozens of reasons. As you probably know, typically when we reach out and seek to comfort, befriend, and help others, our connection to them grows. So, one might say that if you’re feeling disconnected and isolated within your ward, it would help to serve them and try to expand your circle of friends, which you indicate you’ve been trying to do and still hitting a wall. It doesn’t sound like this social arrangement is working for you. And it doesn’t sound like you’re happy in this culture.
Why do you say you’re broken and have nothing of value to offer? Is it because you don’t feel like you fit into what is expected of you within the church culture, or some other reason? You say you’re seeking therapy, but have low confidence it will work. I’d encourage you to give your therapist a chance. If you don’t trust that the therapist is competent, qualified, and wants to help you, find another therapist. They have to also trust that you’re giving them accurate and honest information.
I feel like everyone has value. You are young. Find what works for you that also doesn’t harm others. If church isn’t helping you feel better, do something else. Maybe a different ward, a different church, no church at all, a walk in the woods.
That’s my opinion based on the evidence you’ve presented.
Good luck.
kotm, is there a way to attach your talk to this board? I would love to read it. I’m sure there are others who would like to see it too. I gave a talk about a few months ago. I didn’t get much of a response either. A week later, someone quoted what I said in Sunday School.
My reaction was “someone heard me”. It was kind of a shock. Maybe I shouldn’t be shocked. It was a quote from Elder Uchtdorf.
Recently I’ve been thinking, when was the last time I commented to someone about a talk they gave during sacrament meeting?
I came away with the idea that our sacrament talks are more for us (the speaker) then the person listening to it.
I agree with what Cnsli said & I have always believed that if you aren’t getting what you need at church, do something else.
IMO life is meant to be explored.
I too would be interested in hearing/reading your talk. We have often described ourselves as the “isle of misfit toys.” You are welcome here, though I know that our ability to help is limited.
I hope for good things when you talk to the counselor.
your friend,
Roy
Minyan Man wrote:
kotm, is there a way to attach your talk to this board? I would love to read it. I’m sure there are others who would like to see it too.I gave a talk about a few months ago. I didn’t get much of a response either. A week later, someone quoted what I said in Sunday School.
My reaction was “someone heard me”. It was kind of a shock. Maybe I shouldn’t be shocked. It was a quote from Elder Uchtdorf.
Recently I’ve been thinking, when was the last time I commented to someone about a talk they gave during sacrament meeting?
I came away with the idea that our sacrament talks are more for us (the speaker) then the person listening to it.
I agree with what Cnsli said & I have always believed that if you aren’t getting what you need at church, do something else.
IMO life is meant to be explored.
Here’s the link to my talk. It’s backwards, so start from the bottom and scroll up.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jE4zKqUCURuhdpf770GtEEcx__DfrgCw/view?usp=sharing kotm, I’ve read your talk 3 or 4 times. The only thing I can say is, I wish you lived in my ward. Your talk is excellent. The church needs your voice. You are definitely
NOTdefective. Thank you for sharing your talk kotm. I especially appreciated the many personal examples that you shared. I feel like I know you just a little bit better now.
I’ve had similar feelings of not feeling wanted at church. The specifics leading me to feeling that way might be different but the end result is largely the same. Many moons ago, whenever I gave talks, I took to ducking out of sacrament meeting just as soon as the closing prayer was over. I wanted to avoid any potential “nice talk” comments. My twisted psychology said that I’d feel bad if no one said it and if someone did say it they were just saying it because they were being polite.
:crazy: My simple solution to that was to duck out, short circuit the mental game I played with myself before it even got a chance to get going.
kotm wrote:I have ZERO in common with Mormons. Despite growing up in the church. I just have distinct interests. I don’t “get” Mormon culture, and frankly it pisses me off. And rubs me the wrong way. I have always been a bit of a maverick, and an independent thinker. So that doesn’t help my situation. I’m sorry I’m just angry.
I’m sorry you’re having a bad experience. As a misfit toy, I feel like I don’t belong either.
I can’t say I’ve ever gotten to the angry stage though. Mostly it’s just that alone in a crowd feeling, which is never good.
Church has a lot of baggage. Maybe a disassociation would help?
I don’t like brussels sprouts. I’ll never understand why people like them. I don’t get mad about it, I just don’t eat brussels sprouts.
🙂 nibbler wrote:
Many moons ago, whenever I gave talks, I took to ducking out of sacrament meeting just as soon as the closing prayer was over. I wanted to avoid any potential “nice talk” comments. My twisted psychology said that I’d feel bad if no one said it and if someone did say it they were just saying it because they were being polite.:crazy: My ward in particular seems to “suffer” from those who have to say “great talk” no matter how good or bad a talk was. I’m OK with encouraging youth and newer members, but not every talk is great, and judgmental me is irritated.
I have at times felt as an outsider, too. I don’t have many at church I consider to be friends. And I currently feel “unneeded” as I don’t have a calling in a clearly struggling ward. Granted there are several callings I wouldn’t do anyway but if asked there are some I would do – I’m just not asked. Judgmental me waits for the inspired leadership to be inspired. Of course there is the side of me that enjoys not having any responsibility and hence no need for connections. And neither of us “owe” or expect anything to the other.
nibbler wrote:
I don’t like brussels sprouts. I’ll never understand why people like them. I don’t get mad about it, I just don’t eat brussels sprouts.🙂
Roasted brussels sprouts or brussels sprouts done properly in an air fryer are a favorite of mine. I grow them and we have them for holiday meals. I don’t push them on others though, more for me!
DarkJedi wrote:
Roasted brussels sprouts or brussels sprouts done properly in an air fryer are a favorite of mine. I grow them and we have them for holiday meals. I don’t push them on others though, more for me!
I knew there was something off about you.
🙂 nibbler wrote:
DarkJedi wrote:
Roasted brussels sprouts or brussels sprouts done properly in an air fryer are a favorite of mine. I grow them and we have them for holiday meals. I don’t push them on others though, more for me!
I knew there was something off about you.
🙂
Count me in the group liking brussels sprouts:)
As to something being “off” about me – well, I’m assigned worse labels/descriptions in my “day job” as a “concerned parent” to an unconventional teenager.
We had a fun family conversation where we debated “class/job” pairings that described our personalities most effectively.
DISCLAIMER: We used roughly the Dungeons and Dragons background as our description reference point. While the rules wouldn’t necessarily permit the combinations we came up with (for game mechanism reasons), these are connotation-based, metaphysical descriptions with some specific literal applications.
It was decided that “berserker cleric [post faith transition period to boot]” fit me the best.
Other family members include a “druidic summoner”, a “bard paladin”, and an “illusionist wizard”.
nibbler wrote:
DarkJedi wrote:
Roasted brussels sprouts or brussels sprouts done properly in an air fryer are a favorite of mine. I grow them and we have them for holiday meals. I don’t push them on others though, more for me!
I knew there was something off about you.
🙂
Just proves we don’t agree on everything!
It’s starting to sound like I’m the one that has something off. Not surprising. :angel: I am glad you posted your talk. It may be the only bit of sacrament meeting I will get for a while since I don’t attend anymore. It’s good to hear from an LDS person whose talk is focused on Christ rather than the specific Mormon trappings we often get lost in. I can relate to the time you didn’t want to rake your neighbor’s lawn. I struggle with generosity (always in fear of a time when my wife and I don’t have our jobs, and tend to hang on to my wealth as much as I can), and service now that my body hurts and I’m not as able to use it for service. I tried to volunteer in a community organization recently but lost interest when I found out how hard it was to get to the volunteer site (there were risks my Toyota Corolla would get stuck in the poorly maintained road on the way to the volunteer site).
That is an area I should work on…
Anyway, thanks for posting your talk and making a difference in the lives of the people on this site!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.