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As far as the church not wanting us goes, I hate to say it, but there are times when I have felt that way. There was one Ward in another country who ostracized me, and it even expanded to the stake members. They would warn others about me behind my back. And one candid, and good friend (no longer a member of the church) told me he thought I’d gotten a reputation for untoward behavior in the church. It helped me understand why people I didn’t know where rather abrasive and unkind to me.
If you fall out of favor with the Ward or leadrship due to choices you make, they will ostracize you.
I had a friendship with one well-meaning man who was a big fan of mine. Loved my lessons and teaching and my leadership. When I was less active, he was the only one who would visit me in my home to see how I was doing. He never encouraged me to come back to church, or pushed a church agenda, and was exemplary of unconditional love. He lacked judgment, however, and once said that he was unhappy with “the things the leadership would say about me”. I asked him what things they would say, but he wouldn’t tell me. Clearly they didn’t think much of my less activity after holding a semi high-profile calling in the church. But there lack of loyalty was very clear — as my non-member, anti-Mormon father once said — “When you are doing the things they want, they like you, but when you aren’t, you fall out of favor with them”.
SilentDawning wrote:
I had a friendship with one well-meaning man who was a big fan of mine. Loved my lessons and teaching and my leadership. When I was less active, he was the only one who would visit me in my home to see how I was doing. He never encouraged me to come back to church, or pushed a church agenda, and was exemplary of unconditional love. He lacked judgment, however, and once said that he was unhappy with “the things the leadership would say about me”. I asked him what things they would say, but he wouldn’t tell me. Clearly they didn’t think much of my less activity after holding a semi high-profile calling in the church. But there lack of loyalty was very clear — as my non-member, anti-Mormon father once said — “When you are doing the things they want, they like you, but when you aren’t, you fall out of favor with them”.
I haven’t said this here in quite a while, but if you want to find out who your friends are and aren’t at church, stop going. Be prepared for some disappointment.
I think there is a good lesson in this DJ. It means that when/if any of us are active, to love everyone, even the people who are antagonistic or who decide not to come. I used to be very judgmental when I was active “There goes the guy that wouldn’t accept the calling” was something I would think when I was executive secretary to the Stake president at one time.
No longer. Love needs to be unconditional, and that means not based on a person’s activity or relationship with the church. We must love everyone, even when it seems hard.
I wish there was gratitude for what members are able to do. Officially we are all volunteers, but we are treated like conscripts. I picked up the book, “The Art of Gathering” to learn to gather/lead/host people in my life more sustainably. I was particularly intrigued because the writer has facilitation/conflict conversation experience. It wasn’t a “manners guidance for 2024” type of book, but actually felt more relevant to me as I seem to be accidently hosting summits between my teenager and my husband (and the rest of humanity), and extended family is visiting this year. The author goes into “figure out what is meaningful about the gathering – why gather?” and the first point in that topic is “exclude graciously and thoughtfully”.
Quote:But what’s wrong with someone who’s irrelevant to the purpose? What’s wrong with inviting Bob? Every gathering has its Bobs. Bob in marketing. Bob your friend’s girlfriend’s brother. Bob your visiting aunt. Bob is perfectly pleasant and doesn’t actively sabotage your gathering. Most Bobs are grateful to be included. They sometimes bring extra effort or an extra bottle of wine. You’ve probably been a Bob. I certainly have. The crux of excluding thoughtfully and intentionally is mustering the courage to keep away your Bobs. It is to shift your perception so that you understand that people who aren’t fulfilling the purpose of your gathering are detracting from it, even if they do nothing to detract from it. This is because once they are actually in your presence, you (and other considerate guests) will want to welcome and include them, which takes time and attention away from what (and who) you’re actually there for. As a non-Christian who isn’t interested in being “rescued” – I am “irrelevant” to the church organization’s purpose. For my part, I had to concede the values of “proclaiming the gospel”, “redeeming the dead”, and “perfecting the Saints [Mormons]” weren’t my values anymore, and I had wrestle with the level of association/commitment that I have with the church organization and church community. I have actually been getting involved in other organizations some in part to create viable alternatives. I can understand why church members thought I “belonged there” – why they thought I wasn’t a “Bob” – because I am pleasant and polite and contribute. I understand for myself that those years of my faith transition where I wasn’t a Christian anymore and participated in the local community were taking resources from those who were there to “gather for that purpose”.
Roy wrote:
I wish there was gratitude for what members are able to do. Officially we are all volunteers, but we are treated like conscripts.
Amen to that. “We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er”…”happy are we?”
I remember one of my friends ended up being a bishop for 10 years. He was released with little more than a handshake. Not that there should be major fanfare, but I think the sacrifices he made all those years deserve a little more than that. It didn’t bother him though, as he’s a true, believing Mormon and expected nothing in return.
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