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Hello everyone, I’m J, a YSA in my mid twenties. Since my mission ended 2 years ago I have become very much disillusioned and disenchanted with being a Mormon. Returning home to life was a difficult transition for me and one I unfortunately was not well prepared for.
My mission was a much enjoyed escape from the pressures I was experiencing – it was a spiritual high and journey that I loved. It was an opportunity to “serve God” and put college, dating, work on hold. It motivated me to live the church standards that I have struggled with since my 1st boy scout outing when one scout brought along a penthouse and another porn magazine. Since my early years I have often felt self conscious and not confident with who I am.
When I became fascinated with pornography as a teen my parents gave me a embarrassing and scary talk and then scheduled for me to go see the Bishop. I was only twelve years old, after my Bishops appt and my parents embarrassing sex talk I felt sick even thinking about porn.
I stayed away for about a year but male curiosity overcame me and thus began the battle of a pornography habit. I suppose it could be called an addiction, it all depends on how you feel and what your standards are.
My point is since these early years I have been subject to feeling guilt ad shame for everything I do that the church, TBM friends, and parents don’t approve of. So here I am 2 years after my mission still struggling with these habits – I’ve used marijuana recreationally for the past year and I’m experiencing alot of outside pressure to stop it all. This is in addition to all the inner turmoil I’ve felt as a result of not keeping the commitments I’ve made. I can see some good reasons why I should not smoke. But another part of me enjoys it and doesn’t want to quit. The outside pressure and fear tactics are very much driving me to saying “I’m going to do what I want, believe how I want to believe, and not be scared into forcing myself down the rabbit hole.”.
I hope my post works out – I wrote it from my iPhone. One of my therapists referred me to this site – although he didn’t know much about it. I’m glad he did – I find comfort having staylds when I’m sitting in church and feeling ever so much like an alien. I have an appt to get started in an outpatient rehab program – I’m feeling very much undecided, Luke-warm, and middle of the road right now. I am a victim of the all or nothing mentality. To conclude, I appreciate thus forum and I hope I will be able to discover some peace again in my life. I, like others here cannot see myself going back to the old person I was for a short while.
You are welcome here. Welcome! I’ve found this place to be a great source of strength. I am also a victim of the all or nothing mentality, and this site has helped me realize that I’m not the only one. This is a wonderful place. Hope you enjoy your stay. Welcome, It sounds like you have some “stuff” you really want to sort out in your life. I can appreciate that. I hope you find our community helpful as your make sense of everything.
It doesn’t sound like you have too many issues with church history or doctrine, mostly lifestyle conflict. Is that right? Do you still believe in the church? I was curious to know.
How is the rest of your life? Are you going to school or starting into a career? Outpatient therapy sounds extreme, but I nothing is too “extreme” if it helps you and makes you feel whole. Do you feel really out of control?
I wish you the best in your journey, and look forward to hearing more from you.
Hi everybody and Hi Brian! Thank you for your replys – I’m now at home I finished work today and went to my first day at Dayspring a 6 week program that focuses on the 12 step program of recovery from addiction.
Thank you Brian and for showing your interest, it’s important and nice to know there are other people out there who are capable of caring and supporting others.
To answer some questions Brian asked me:
Quote:It doesn’t sound like you have too many issues with church history or doctrine, mostly lifestyle conflict. Is that right? Do you still believe in the church? I was curious to know.
I do have some common concerns with church history/doctrine – they can be seen as legitimate concerns or perhaps somethings I just shouldn’t worry about – I am a very skeptical person and I just can’t brush some things aside. For example, we had the Jonah swallowed by a whale lesson in GD this past Sunday and there was one questions I wanted to ask. (seems lately there has always been one “thinker” question I’ve wanted to ask from time to time but I would never dare to do so) I wanted to say “Has it ever occurred to someone that a man is not capable of living after being ingested by a whale/large fish? And perhaps this Bible story is inaccurate and thus why are be trying to apply life lessons and principles on a fabrication?” Is the answer with “God all things are possible” enough?
I have normal concerns with church history, the priesthood restriction, polygamy are just two that trouble me. I also am questioning the church’s position and actions taken in the whole PROP 8 debacle. I also am confused/uncertain about my sexuality – I have struggled to reconcile/come to terms with just another aspect of myself a “same sex attraction” as the term is coined by so many. I don’t relate to being “gay”, but I am dealing with the fact that I have either developed these feelings or I have learned to sexualize feelings about the same gender. This is just one more issue to add to the stack of “stuff” I am dealing with. When I take a step back and look I’m saying to myself, “I fit the perfect MO for someone using mood altering substances”.
Quote:How is the rest of your life? Are you going to school or starting into a career? Outpatient therapy sounds extreme, but I nothing is too “extreme” if it helps you and makes you feel whole. Do you feel really out of control?
The rest of my life looks pretty bleak, I am very hard on myself – hardly self forgiving and feeling pretty negative… I don’t really feel out of control right now, my thoughts on the surface are “I made it through two semesters of college, held down a full time job, and was high through most of it” Considering where I was/am at mentally, emotionally, and spiritually using marijuana made sense to me. I live in a context that does not approve of my behavior (using marijuana), my church, my parents, and my most recent professional counselor all would discourage it’s use. So I question: Am I allowing this one thing to define so much about me? Does this one thing need to define who I am? I also question: Why is marijuana on this earth? It’s a flowering plant – if it is not for man’s consumption than why was it created? Why are there specific cannabinoid receptors in our body that will only specifically react with THC and other cannabinoids? I asked my stake president: Why is marijuana on this earth? And he replied, “it’s not for man’s consumption” … skeptical me has a hard time reconciling that.
My lifestyle conflicts are what has really been troubling me on a surface level, but perhaps if I were to dig below that surface my problems with “same sex attraction”/homosexual feelings are what have really dictate some of my behaviors and caused me to feel how I feel. This situation is largely why I feel so alienated from my peers at church and the surrounding social context. I question if I will be able to have a “normal” relationship with a woman? Will I be able to have a family? Will I be able to have sex EVER? I have sexual feelings for girls and natural aspirations for doing those things and having a family. But all things considered I don’t know how I will get there. The answer to take things one step at a time seems like the right thing right now. The church’s seemingly approach to people identifying as being “gay” causes me to question if the church is really the answer to all things authoritarian. While I do not identify as being “gay”, I empathize with those who do and I perceive the predominating attitude in the church and especially among Bishops is: “People who identify as being gay are in actuality falling prey to the adversary and believing a fabrication that he would have us believe.”
My conflict with my lifestyle and choices right now is: I do believe in the church and thus I am very much conflicted! I want to overcome my pornography problem because the consequences of it are so negative. On the other hand I don’t buy into the philosophy that if something is “illegal” it must be “bad”. I am trying to reconcile my feelings about “authority” in general. The authority of my parents and the authority of the church. I’m more worried about living up to expectations than actually doing what I feel is right for me and something I’m comfortable with.
As you can see, the rabbit hole just gets deeper and deeper, this all is so much to bear and I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking my best source for help is God – so I think that I’m going to try and seek his help. Seeking his help entails changing and most likely giving up things I’ve held dear and near recently… like pot :C
I think part of your problem is that when you’re trying to give something up, or stay away from it, you think of it, which drags you back to it. If you want to do so (presuming you do), then it’s better trying to fill your head with other things, rather than thinking, “must give up X, must give up X”. I think it’s one of the most overrated things out there. It’s neither the wonder drug some people make out, nor the massive evil that others make it out to be (it’s no heroin, that’s for sure), but I suppose if nothing else, you shouldn’t use it even a few days before driving a car or heavy machinery. Like any other drug, it does have negative and damaging effects, for example, it makes folk paranoid (witnessed it myself with friends), and it’s also called dope for a reason. It drains you of a lot of your energy and will. It screws your brain basically. One of my friends also became a full blown schizophrenic, probably triggered by his cannabis use. That said, I don’t think it’s worse than alcohol (although alcohol gets out of the system much faster, and you can feel if you’re still under the effects of it – unlike cannabis, which still effects you even when you think you’re no longer high)
Myself, had it several times, did nothing for me. It just makes me feel as if I’ve missed a night’s sleep (although curiously it also kept me awake). I’ve no real desire to ever use it again, unlike some other stuff in the word of wisdom. I enjoy a good cup of coffee, expensive tea, and proper beer (not the majority of American stuff!), or wine with a meal, however, I’ve given these up since coming back to the church. (Never got into cigarettes – thankfully) My problem is not actually cravings (I do hanker after some of these very occasionally), but being offered them by other people. I’ve no doubt that may become your problem. People are going to offer you weed, but it’s your choice whether you decide to take it, whether as a sheep, or as a conscious decision.
Welcome. I hope you find this forum to be as useful and uplifting as I have. It is a great place to come talk to people and work through what is going on in your life with the church and others. Quote:I’m feeling very much undecided, Luke-warm, and middle of the road right now.
I guess the real issue with pot smoking is that it creates a lot of these kinds of feelings. It’s certainly not as bad for you as tobacco or even (IMO) alcohol. I would be in favor of legalizing marijuana, especially to undermine the drug cartels. However, even if it were legal, it’s probably not something the church would condone (except under prescription) because it lowers ambition and mellows a person out so much. It’s not as bad as other things people take (doesn’t lead to depression as alcohol can), but it’s not better than nothing.
But hang in there. It sounds like you’re in the right place. As to the SSA issue, people are more complex than just gay or straight. We’re all somewhere between two extremes.
Quote:doesn’t lead to depression as alcohol can
Actually it can do, amongst other things.
Gorilla, check your PM. I’ve sent a rather personal response. I think that in some cases, substance abuse and/or porn are used to deaden the blow of finding out about many issues in the Church that seem paradoxical to many of us. Not justifying it, just saying it does happen. Interesting perspective Tigger, are you referring to members who indulge in these, or the church leadership? SamBee wrote:Interesting perspective Tigger, are you referring to members who indulge in these, or the church leadership?
It could be both. (According to John Dehlin’s podcast with Shawn McRaney, he had used vodka and vicodin as a way of dealing with his crisis of faith.) I know that in my case, it has been the issue. It’s just like an alcoholic who drinks. He may not necessarily like alcohol, but does so to self-medicate, to help stop the sting of whatever emotional issue he or she is dealing with. It is the problem with our Church too, where porn is also considered by some to be worse than alcohol, and where the dreaded “little factory” speech creates so much angst, that men start to lie at an early age, and many us end up living a double life.
I wish there opportunities to be more honest about these things in the Church circle, and we’d all realize we were a bunch of sinners seeking the forgiveness of the Master. Unfortunately, we tend to want to think that such issues never exist and place them into the “forbidden file.”
I am not justifying the issue, but I would imagine 75 percent of LDS men are porn addicts, and nearly 80 engage in the practice of “self-abuse,” married or not.
Gorilla- I’d like to say ‘welcome’, but since this is my first post, that might be somewhat presumptuous. Nevertheless, I think coming here was an excellent move for you. Good on ya!
There is a one-size-fits-all mentality toward teaching children, and that thinking seems to pervade the whole culture. This is a practical necessity, I suppose, but I think in many cases it can do a lot of damage, particularly to those with very sensitive personalities, or with a strong sense of wanting to please. While most of the 13-year-olds are rolling their eyes and flinging spit wads during their morality discussions, some are really paying attention, sometimes too carefully, especially when the dirtiness and guilt, and the punitive nature of God’s response are stressed.
In trying to help my own family members deal with guilt issues I have tried to stress that feelings of guilt can be healthy but more often seem to be the construct of our own imagination and the culture we grow up in. Obviously there are some things we probably should feel guilty about if it motivates us to fix them. I don’t know if a pornography addition is one of those things, but I think you are right in trying to make it no longer a part of your life. If your motivation for doing so is to please someone or something else, you’re on the wrong track. Concentrate on your own desire to improve, because of the reasons that make sense to you. If God loves you and wants you to be happy and successful, as I believe He does, then He will be right there you by your side through the painful process, not jeering from the sidelines.
You are receiving counseling, which in my own experience has been a mixed bag, but from what you say, it sounds like a good match. I have also heard of good results from the twelve-step program. I hate to sound trite, but is a regular exercise program part of your life? How about meditation? One of my favorites books on that topic is
Everyday Zenby Charlotte Beck. Another book I’m in the middle of How God Changes Your Brain) might also be helpful. Just a thought. I could bore you with other self-help titles that may or may not help, but i will forebear. Quote:“I’m going to do what I want, believe how I want to believe, and not be scared into forcing myself down the rabbit hole.”
That’s something I heartily encourage, though it comes at a cost as you have discovered. This
isyour life. Is it what you want it to be? (to paraphrase a favorite song). If it isn’t, make changes as you see appropriate. There is good guidance to be found in church teachings and principles, and in a general sense, I think you would do well to follow them. But you will have to become responsible for determining when and how they relate to the life you are living. -Doug
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