Mom’s visit update and How would you want to find out?

[Anonymous]

So, for those who read my last post a few weeks ago, the visit with my mom was great. It was kind of difficult to attend all three hours of church with her and she did bring up gospel topics quite a bit, but I just managed to steer the conversation in different directions. She did do my laundry while I was out getting groceries (she’s quite wonderful like that 🙂 ) and I don’t know if she noticed the lack of garments. She didn’t say anything. Although, we were doing some shopping and she offered to buy me some new ones. All in all, it was great to see her and spend time with her and things went really well. One comment she made had me feeling sad for her though.

We were talking about my older brothers. One is gay, married to his partner of 13 years, and the other recently revealed that he is in a relationship and had his girlfriend move in with him. My brother’s girlfriend(who we all love) posted a picture on FB of them on the Salt Lake temple grounds. This brother hasn’t been active in the church in about 12 years. My mom mentions that she hopes they went to the visitor’s center and that she thinks my brother’s good friend is still active and hopes that he will be able to get brother and his girlfriend to go to church. When I mentioned that I don’t think that is likely to happen, she said, “I know. I just worry. I want us all to be together in the next life.” I said, “Mom, *brothers* are great guys. They are good people who are living good lives. I don’t believe that God would keep us all apart simply because they aren’t active in the LDS church.” She said, “You’re right. He is a loving Heavenly Father and I don’t believe he would do that.”

I love my mom and the relationship I have with her.

So, now for my question. If you were in my mother’s situation or that of my in-laws (also very TBM), how would you want to find out that your child is no longer a full-believing and practicing church member? Would you want to be made aware of the situation through a letter or email saying that we’re going through a transition of faith and explaining our feelings and decisions? How would you feel if you didn’t find out until it became an issue, such as when our daughter turns 8 next spring and you ask when the baptism is and we say that she’s not being baptized? (I’m not saying that we’re definitely not baptizing her, just using this as an example)

I know that eventually, both sets of parents are going to realize that we’re not the ideal, temple-attending, garment wearing, calling-holding TBM’s that we were before. I’m just trying to figure out if we should instigate that revelation or wait until it happens on its own. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I’m glad the visit went well, May, and that there wasn’t the major blow up you feared. Mom probably noticed more than she wants to let you know she did, just sayin’.

So, how would I want to know. That’s a great question. I had suspected my then college student daughter wasn’t attending church for some time before she told us, and when she told us she was attending church again. I didn’t ask her and I won’t ask her, I figure she’ll tell us when and if she feels she wants us to know. (Reminder I am inactive, wife is TBM.) However, that’s how I want to know – I want her to tell us, I don’t want to see it on Facebook or have someone else tell us. I am a huge fan of face-to-face, one-to-one conversation, but I also understand that some things are best expressed in writing and in different locations. Personally I’d rather it was a real old fashioned letter as opposed to an email, and definitely not a text, with a nice conversation to follow. A phone call is somewhere in the middle there. I’d also appreciate knowing why, although our family dynamics make that more difficult as I learned when I told my wife I was not going to attend and why.

[Anonymous]

MayB wrote:

I said, “Mom, *brothers* are great guys. They are good people who are living good lives. I don’t believe that God would keep us all apart simply because they aren’t active in the LDS church.” She said, “You’re right. He is a loving Heavenly Father and I don’t believe he would do that.”

I love my mom and the relationship I have with her.

I think I would want it like this. Just take each issue as it comes. She won’t always say, “You’re right,” but it doesn’t sound like she’s game for big, dramatic, emotionally exhausting conversations, either.

[Anonymous]

Hi MayB,

I feel like telling you that you are right where you are supposed to be. I’m sure this is a difficult time but it is also a time of growth and development. I am glad that your mom is being fairly supportive of all this. She seems to care about you and her family quite a bit.

As for your question, I agree that if it must happen it should be a face to face conversation. In my in-law’s family there is a long history of infamous letters that severed communication lines for years and years. I did once send my own letter in response to one we received from the in-laws. I quoted heavily from an SWK talk entitled “In-laws get off the boat.” We have never spoken of this letter and I can’t even be sure that it was received.

I have had conversations with my own supportive mother that I’m sure hint that I’m a non-traditional believer. The one that sticks out in my mind is where I referenced cases of excommunication that were since overturned (either posthumously or otherwise). I told her that I can’t believe that God would have kept privileges from these dear sons and daughters until the paperwork from our mortal administrative bureaucracy can catch up. (DW even has ancestors where the husband was exed and the wife dis-fellowshipped because they couldn’t support polygamy and chose instead to attend a reorganized church. They were posthumously reinstated at their LDS descendants’ prodding) What I believe went unsaid was the obvious conclusion that if excommunication doesn’t radically alter one’s post death experience then…. 👿

For the most part though, there is enough distance between the parents and us and we remain Mormon enough that we haven’t had to have an explicit “DTR” (Define the Relationship) talk.

[Anonymous]

I have a great relationship with my parents. I have had some very distressing experiences lately regarding my church calling. My parents are more NOM than I ever realized. I have shared a few of my ideas as they have come up. She hasn’t always agreed but I have been able to explain why I believe that way. I think my Dad is a NOM and that makes me sad that I haven’t had the chance to discuss all these issues with him. If they come up, I definitely will take the chance. In the end, I know they love me and want me to be happy. If I am able to show them that I am with my choices, that will be the what they hoped for. I hope I am able to be that for my own kids.

My in-laws…..yikes! I just find joy in throwing away all the copies of the New Era and The Friend that they send each of our children individually….the kids aren’t too interested. They do not like confrontation but they don’t talk to us too much either. I am letting the husband deal with them. They are already disappointed in me because 20 years ago I didn’t send their son on a mission and I accepted civil marriage before a temple marriage. I am okay with that. They can continue to wear their church clothes all day Sunday.

[Anonymous]

I would want to hear about it directly, but I also don’t like Facebook and other social media being a way to express religious beliefs and disagreements. If you aren’t posting things in public places like that, it’s much easier simply to have mini-conversations whenever you are together about one or two things at a time – like garments. Believe me, once that one is out in the open, she won’t think you are a traditional, orthodox believer – and a more detailed discussion is much more likely to happen in a good way. It ought not be a dump / vent session; a general outline of where you are should be fine.

[Anonymous]

Thanks guys. I think the one-thing-at-a-time approach is probably the best. I don’t post much at all on FB or other social media and I definitely don’t post about religion. I don’t think FB is the place for that.

I also agree with DarkJedi that my mom probably noticed a lot more than I thought. She even mentioned not seeing an Ensign or Friend magazine anywhere in our house. So, she’s probably figured out that something’s up. I’ll just continue having those conversations with her as needed and take things slow.

Hopefully things can progress that way with the in-laws as well. I kind of doubt it though. GodIsLove, I think our in-laws sound very much alike. They were very unhappy with DH marrying me because I come from a divorced family with a gay brother. They didn’t really warm up to me at all until I had their first grandchild. They’re very orthodox and aren’t afraid to preach when they feel you’re going astray. I think we’ll just take the same approach though and they’ll have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I would also want to hear that my child’s direction is based on them trying to do what is right, and trying to choose the good or the best of available choices. Even if I thought they were completely off their rocker I would like to hear “I have always tried to do right and my direction in life is toward the good that I can see, and away from the bad.”

MayB wrote:

I think our in-laws sound very much alike. They were very unhappy with DH marrying me because I come from a divorced family with a gay brother. They didn’t really warm up to me at all until I had their first grandchild. They’re very orthodox and aren’t afraid to preach when they feel you’re going astray.

I can relate to this. After several years of uninvited comments and myself and my wife standing up against the preaching in the most loving but firm ways we could, the preaching has basically stopped. We are a fully active family anyway, they don’t have that much to complain about and I think they have finally realized that our home is going to operate in ways different from what they would do.

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