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I am so sad today for the insanity that can accompany a faith crisis. I’ve obviously heard the stories about people that will go cheat on their spouses when they lose their faith, but lately it has really hit home. [personal details removed] Orson…that is rough. I think that is one of the most heart-breaking things, to watch someone you care about make choices that you think will really cause such pain and impact so many (especially the kids). In principle we should always continue to love the person, even if we don’t support their choices…but from personal experience with a sister of mine that went down that path and a brother-in-law that went down that path…I just know sometimes the reality of the situation makes it hard to talk to the person or stay close to them because they know you don’t support it and they don’t want to hear it. Nor is it right to try to shield them from any consequences they are creating for themselves.
And so sometimes it just takes time to see how it turns out.
If it is any consolation, after about 15 years, my sister has now returned to be a part of our family and participates in family reunions and such. She couldn’t for a long time, but now she can and I’m glad I still have a relationship with her. I think she now can look back and admit the choices she made were mainly a result of depression and psychological problems that were not dealt with, she now has regrets to live with, but she is moving forward and keeps a good relationship with her kids. The kids are resilient but certainly not immune to the effects.
I’m sorry, buddy. I don’t know that it will be an easy thing for your whole family. But I think there is hope in the future all is not lost.
Occasionally I am led to ponder this painful existence we call life. So many sources of heartache, pain, and suffering. And yet, much of it is self-inflicted. I have no insights to offer because you are already likely thinking what I would tell you anyway. But I offer my condolences, prayers, sympathies, and any good vibes I can muster. Good luck with your family. Your sister and my #2 sister should hang out some time. Sounds like they have a lot in common… Sorry to hear that Orson, seriously. It hurts. It is painful to watch. DW and I see it constantly. Just last week DW spent the night over at my sister’s house because she left our 10 year old nephew home all alone during a loud and scary thunder storm (on a school night), all night long because she was too drunk to drive home from her boyfriend’s house, and my ex-BIL lives across the state and isn’t around much anymore (he just up and walked away one day). My sister’s boyfriend is a former bishop and ‘effed his marriage and life up during his in his own crisis of faith. I really like the guy personally. He is really intelligent and interesting to talk to, but I have never talked to him a single time yet when he was sober.
Anyway, the best I have found so far is to love my sister and stay in contact with her. We go hang out with them once a week. I figure I can’t be a positive influence at all if she isn’t comfortable talking to me. She rarely shows up around my parents. They really can’t handle the whole situation at all. It is just way too far outside their box of reality (as usual). That’s all the advice I can think of — love her and be there for her to talk to, and try to be a voice of reason and “reality.”
I don’t have anything profound to add, in all honesty – but I support everything that has been said. I have a BIL who really screwed up his life and seriously screwed up his kids – but he seems to be back on track now. A SIL won’t speak with him and has cut off the rest of the family for even admitting he lives (as a result of taking in his kids and raising them), but the rest of the family has been supportive. There is no easy answer. Prayer and love are all I know.
Thanks guys, you know I appreciate all your thoughts. As you can tell I have no time these days. It’s nice just knowing you’re all here. Sorry to hear it Orson. I wish I had something profound to say. Oh, Orson. Sorry for you and your family. So much needless sadness. How complicated and strange life can be. Good luck. There may be a silver lining from this situation in my wife and I being able to speak a little more openly about the process of disaffection, what it means, why some people seem to be more easily troubled, etc. We had a good talk last night about how her young home life was different than mine, and how the extremely high expectations that I an my sister felt about the church had a role in being so troubled about learning certain facts. The recent podcast with the Gallaghers reinforces this point with me, it seems like people with more relaxed expectations do much better when confronted with tough issues. Thanks for sharing, Orson. I’d be interested to hear how this plays out. Keep us updated.
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