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I mentioned before that the bishop asked me to teach the 5th Sunday RS/PH lesson on marriage. Just thought I’d update on how it went. He was very vague about what he wanted to be taught. Just asked for research based principles that would help strengthen marriage. I decided to do the presentation on Dr. John Gottman’s 4 horsemen which are negative communication patterns that are highly predictive of divorce when present in a relationship. For a while I drove myself crazy trying to find some church quotes to go along with what I was teaching, but in the end I decided to just focus on the research. I did include one quote from a GA about marriages needing to be nurtured more carefully. Other than that, the entire lesson was basically what I would teach in a community setting, no religion involved. It actually went really well. I decided to keep it mostly in a lecture format because our ward has a tendency to want to share every opinion and start discussions that get way off topic. So we discussed the horsemen and their antidotes. Basically it was a lesson on how to manage conflict in a more positive way and how to avoid criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt when discussing issues with each other. I think it was really well received. I even saw some people taking notes.
🙂 The only awkward moment came at the end. I didn’t end with the traditional “testimony” or “in the name of JC amen.” I just ended. I didn’t feel that would be appropriate because I wasn’t discussing any gospel topics. They all just kind of stared at me for a minute with odd looks on their faces and then I sat down.
I had several positive comments afterward and one really strange one. We had discussed physiological self-soothing, which is basically taking time to relax, monitor your breathing, and lower your heart-rate. An older gentleman, probably in his 70’s, came up to me and explained that he had lost his wife almost a year ago and was starting to look for a new relationship but this time he wants to “do it right” so he’s reading every book he can get about relationships. He proceeded to inform me that the physiological self-soothing technique that we talked about is also used in tantric sex.
😯 He wasn’t saying it in a “you shouldn’t be teaching that in church” kind of way. He sincerely wanted me to be informed. He then explained that it was all about being able to achieve multiple orgasms by controlling your body. I thanked him for sharing and said that it makes perfect sense because it’s all about relaxing your body so you can be more focused. Then I told him I was glad to see he was actively looking for ways to have good relationships and then I made my exit. By far, the strangest conversation I’ve ever had in a church setting.Strange maybe, but it is nice that he felt comfortable even discussing that with you. Maybe because you did not end your lesson in the traditional way, he felt that he could be a little more open which I find to be a very good thing. Good job on this lesson and thanks for updating us on how it went. Awesome lesson. Truly wonderful. I sometimes don’t end presentations in the standard way, and I had a Stake President who just sat down once without the standard ending – for the same reason you didn’t do it. I consider it a vain repetition sometimes, with “vain” meaning “without proper effect or result” or “not in an authorized way”.
The tantric sex comment was touching. It is great that he felt comfortable telling you that. We need more of that kind of openness in the Church.
Sounds great — this is exactly how I used to teach some of my lessons. I did one on personality theory and how it related to gaining commitment from volunteers — that people often have traits that cluster in areas like strategic thinking, influencing others, building relationships and execution. That one-size-fits all programs (“now everyone go and invite all their friends to church” — an influencing probram) don’t speak to the diverse strengths and talents of individuals. I also taught a lesson on faith but drew on Martin Seligman’s work on learned optimism – how we need to learn not to consider trials pervasive, permanent, etcetera. But limited, temporary etcetera.
There is so much sheer opinion given even in GA’s talks alone — and people who teach from a sheer research perspective risk being called out for not teaching church approved materials. I’m glad you did what you did, and that it was well-received. And that your Bishop appears to have supported you in doing it.
For the money we pay the church in tithing, I find the lessons often return so very little value. I would also be taking notes if I was in your class.
What do you think of Willard Harley Junior’s approach to marriage found at
http://www.marriagebuilders.com ? That guy saved my own marriage a decade or two ago….
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