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Hey folks, it’s been a while. First off, one of the reasons I began visiting this forum was to discuss my issues with the church in hopes that it would, in turn, mend my marriage. Unfortunately, my wife decided to divorce me around three months ago. The church, and my lack of faith in it, was a constant source of contention in our marriage. She wanted someone stronger, who would never waiver, and I could not provide that. I have always, ALWAYS, struggled with my Mormon raising. Anyway, I know that the church isn’t responsible for my divorce, but I am finding it really hard to not be bitter over this. I want to hold them accountable, but it just doesn’t seem right. I know there are multiple, interconnected reasons for my divorce. Anyway, in going through the emotional baggage that comes with such a change, I came to the realization that many of my issues with the church came from the belittling I received from not being able to meet the standard. How do I have any motivation to continue my membership in the church? Especially since she is now seeking a temple divorce to open the door for a marriage with her ex-boyfriend, who she has had an emotional affair with over the last year and a half.
My sincerest condolences. Religious conflicts in a marriage are so emotionally charged that it’s almost impossible to know what to say to you, except that I’m so sorry that it ended this way for you. Being bitter and angry at the church for fostering, intentionally or otherwise, an environment in which people sometimes think it makes sense to end a marriage based on a difference in religious sentiment would be the easiest thing in the world for me to do in a situation such as yours. It would take some serious soul searching for me to overcome it — I hope you are able to do that and to get past it all. Wow MIkhail. I am so sorry. Wish I had something more to offer 
Mikhail — I’m sorry to hear this…I’ve seen it over and over again that when temple marriages hit walls like this, people struggle as you do. One of the musicians in my band falls into that category right now, although he’s not considering nixing his membership, he struggles with commitment problems to the Church, and is dating a non-member now. We both shared our disillusionment lately with the whole Church experience, both of us due to highly negative experiences within it. And I really understand how negative experiences with the Church in general can sap motivation and commitment. Particularly when the Church is part of the conflict which is leading to the problems in your marriage.
My advice — don’t try to change any aspect of your Church membership (I’m assuming you are thinking of name removal since you said “membership”). During emotional and difficult times like these, it’s good to put big decisions like that on hold until you can see the situation clearly again. And the good thing is, a person can always lessen their involvement in Church to get a break from it without cutting off their membership; name removal in my view, only stops visits from home teachers and limits options in the future in case you ever want to more involvement in it again. And you might — I always try to leave myself open in that respect.
Plus you say there were other issues in your marriage; the Church may well look different after these issues are not a driving force in your life. It can be amazing how a change in ONE life variable can change so many others. For example, simple thing — one of my children has been away for several weeks for the summer. It has totally changed the dynamic in my household, with there being greater peace, less conflict, FAR greater productivity on my part, and I’ve actually been enjoying it, as much as I miss my child and will be glad to see her again. So, I would go into “wait and see how I feel mode” as you work through this turmoil and stress before you make decisions about your Church involvement. And personally, I rarely see a reason for requesting name removal when there are so many other ways of lessening the role of the Church in our lives, and even coping with its negative aspects that leave our options open in the future.
I’m sorry to hear this, Mikhail. May God bless you in your struggle. At the practical level, I also would caution against reactive steps – as hard as it is not to be reactive. Actions taken in the heat of the moment (and “the moment” can be a long time in some cases) almost never work out well. So, as we say so often, go slowly and try hard to see what aspects of your divorce really are strictly church-related and which things are fundamental conflicts that simply were exacerbated by church-related things. In other words, try to see which aspects would have existed and caused serious issues regardless of the specific denomination you might have been attending – if any.
As I have worked with people in your type of situation, it has been enlightening for them to realize that there often has been an underlying, basic “commitment incompatibility” at work that would have been manifested in some other way without the Church in the picture. One spouse often is more zealous or fanatical or obsessive about things in general than the other spouse (even in really good marriages), and when that difference is not accepted and becomes a source of contention, trouble ensues – and is focused on whatever is the easiest, most obvious commitment inducer. In your case, it was the LDS Church – but it very well might have been a totally different inducer without the LDS Church in the picture.
So, try to step back a bit emotionally and see if that situation describes your marriage to any degree. Even if it doesn’t, it’s a good exercise for someone in your situation – if for no other reason than it forces slow and careful consideration at a time when sudden change is tempting but can be highly destructive.
mikhail wrote:…one of the reasons I began visiting this forum was to discuss my issues with the church in hopes that it would, in turn, mend my marriage. Unfortunately, my wife decided to divorce me around three months ago. The church, and my lack of faith in it, was a constant source of contention in our marriage. She wanted someone stronger…I know that the church isn’t responsible for my divorce, but I am finding it really hard to not be bitter over this…I came to the realization that
many of my issues with the church came from the belittling I received from not being able to meet the standard. How do I have any motivation to continue my membership in the church?Especially since she is now seeking a temple divorce to open the door for a marriage with her ex-boyfriend, who she has had an emotional affair with over the last year and a half. I’m sorry to hear that and I certainly wouldn’t blame you if you end up leaving the Church. Maybe it’s not entirely the Church’s fault and divorce is fairly common among non-Mormons too but TBMs are definitely not the most tolerant or understanding people around when someone they know suddenly loses faith in the Church or doesn’t want to go along with some of its heavy demands anymore. They should probably have conference talks and lessons specifically about being nice to non-believers and “sinners” especially if they are your spouse or children instead of so much emphasis on things like testimony and temple worthiness that will tend to have the opposite effect whether intended or not. I could see someone getting a divorce if their husband is abusive or cheats on them but it’s a really sad and embarrassing state of affairs when simply not believing in Nephites is already an irreconcilable difference by itself in some cases.
Quote:How do I have any motivation to continue my membership in the church? Especially since she is now seeking a temple divorce to open the door for a marriage with her ex-boyfriend, who she has had an emotional affair with over the last year and a half.
First of all, I would like to say I was in your shoes about four years ago. At the time of the divorce you don’t ever think you will get over it, but you will.
Here were the steps I took to help me through my divorce, they might not entirely work for you, but you can at least try some of them at your leisure.
1) I took off from church for almost a month, and spent some time with other family that could at least let me vent my frustration a little.
2) I had to leave my wife (so I don’t know who stayed or left in your situation), but I attended church elsewhere (I hated this, since it was so hard, but every Sunday got a little easier). I only talked to those who were empathetic with me; my new bishop, my Elders Quorum president, etc. I played the new guy on the block; it was up to the leadership to make an effort until I felt comfortable doing more than just attending the meetings. Elders Quorum in my situation actually helped me, I guess I was lucky to have a great quorum. I think it helped by sharing the blame for the D whenever I talked about it. I know I did stuff to screw my marriage up, but at least I know it wasn’t entirely my fault. I think when people realize your human, it is easier to move on from any mistakes.
3) I read the Book of Mormon and the book of Job in the Bible. These scriptures helped me see that divorce, trials, tribulation, are all part of life. Job lost his whole family, yet still stayed true to God and his convictions. The Book of Mormon showed me patterns of Divorce; such as Laman and Lemuel and their family separating themselves from Nephites. The War in Heaven was a type of “Divorce.” Realizing that sometimes when two people don’t get along and they have to separate is a real pattern. It’s easy to look at the other as evil (remember they have agency), and then look at yourself as Victim. In reality no one is a winner, but both people don’t have to be losers either. Resolutions will come (the light will come) you just have to hold on. It has taken me 4 years to overcome most of the pain, and anger that my divorce gave me. Prayer and crying helped too.
4) Do the things you love that your wife didn’t like you to do. I started watching sports like it was out of style. I probably gained weight because I ate ice cream more, and watched more TV.
6) The temple divorce thing: Look, you will have the opportunity to write an essay explaining your take on the divorce to the first presidency when that time comes. You may share your part in it. You may also include the reasons why the other party is divorcing. You can even say your bit about emotional infidelity on her part. Chances are your former will probably remarry in the temple (I did). Nevertheless, you get to write your piece and the First Presidency will consider what you have to say before they just grant a temple divorce and permit her to get sealed again.
7) For awhile I hated the songs: “Love at Home” and “Families Can Be Together For Ever” It is okay to walk out of church to go to the bathroom or something when those songs or song, or close the hymn book. I did this. Focus on those things in church that will get you through the pain; I focused on the savior and thought of how is he able to heal me and see me through all this? I got to know him more; he was rejected, betrayed, left alone. He was misunderstood. You can take it too far sometimes. My former called me a martyred husband, and I just got to the point that I let it roll off my back.
A thing I didn’t do a lot of until the second year which I wish I could have started sooner: Go to a trusted therapist. I avoided it because of the cost, but in hindsight it would have saved me more money through such an expensive and emotional roller coaster anyway. Therapists can help you see things clearly when your darn emotions get in the way.Hope one of these suggestions helps you.
Emotional affairs for women tend to be worse than sexual affairs for men as far as the outcome goes… Your post really strikes a sensitive nerve for me. I’ve watched people divorce and I can see how my current lack of faith is straining my own relationship. As a bit of encouragement, I had the unfortunate opportunity of having a front row seat while my father in law got divorced because he looked at porn….only because his wife was disinterested in other activities. Rather than help, she just condemned him. She eventually just decided he was the source of her problems and left. He was severely injured emotionally. Afterwards, I watched him stand up tall, see a counselor to undo the damage his wife caused, and he found someone else and remarried. This new lady is everything his former wife wasn’t. They are a near perfect match for each other. Sometimes the horrible emotional pain of divorce can really open up new opportunities for happiness that you didn’t know existed. I can still tell that he hurts from the divorce all of these years later, despite his remarriage. That pain will probably never go away, but he is far happier with his new life. I don’t think he could have handled it as well without the support network that the church provides. Don’t leave potential emotional support behind. You might even be able to get the bishop to set you up with a counselor if you need.
On a side note, are you in Utah? You’re young and I have a 22 year old sister in Provo who hates church too
Thanks for all the amazing advice, it has really helped. After a few weeks of real inactivity, I have begun attending church again–it’s my home ward so I still get the ocassional “where’s the wife?” which get’s old. I have also realized how ironic the whole situation is. I do feel a bit more spiritual now than I could have possibly been in my marriage, whether or not this new found spirituality will reconcile with the church is yet to be seen. @Jamison, It’s good to see that some of my actions are the ones you saw as beneficial. Yes, one of them is watching all the sports I couldn’t while married–without season tickets, I’ve managed to make it to 1/4 of the Timbers’ home matches this season. A GREAT distraction.
@absentminded, sadly I am not in Utah. Faux-Zion, which is no longer my location, was referring to Rexburg, Idaho. I am a recent graduate of BYU-Idaho and have since relocated to Oregon to prepare for grad. school. Thanks for the thought though.
mikhail wrote:Hey folks, it’s been a while. First off, one of the reasons I began visiting this forum was to discuss my issues with the church in hopes that it would, in turn, mend my marriage. Unfortunately, my wife decided to divorce me around three months ago. The church, and my lack of faith in it, was a constant source of contention in our marriage. She wanted someone stronger, who would never waiver, and I could not provide that. I have always, ALWAYS, struggled with my Mormon raising. Anyway, I know that the church isn’t responsible for my divorce, but I am finding it really hard to not be bitter over this. I want to hold them accountable, but it just doesn’t seem right. I know there are multiple, interconnected reasons for my divorce.
Anyway, in going through the emotional baggage that comes with such a change, I came to the realization that many of my issues with the church came from the belittling I received from not being able to meet the standard. How do I have any motivation to continue my membership in the church? Especially since she is now seeking a temple divorce to open the door for a marriage with her ex-boyfriend, who she has had an emotional affair with over the last year and a half.
Sorry, this is such a late response.But I was touched & just wanted to tell you that I relate with the belittling.
It isn’t right. It’s one common behavior practice with members in the church that is “anti-Christ.”
I can understand your wife maybe wanting assurance that you won’t betray her, by what I consider fear & shame associated with being “strong” in the church.
Personally, I think strength comes from inner peace, along with awareness & striving for what’s best, no matter what the objections (ie peer pressure).
It’s admirable that you realize your sadness, & desire to blame, but also how blame doesn’t help.
I hope the best for you & your future goals!
Thank you featherina. It’s been a rough road for sure but I’m learning to cope. My ex-wife is getting married this month, civilly I assume because I haven’t been approached by the church, which has created a wide array of feelings: anger, sadness, relief, transfer of worry, etc. As time goes on I’m learning to really explore my individual shortcomings and not become hung up upon the mistakes of my ex-spouse, the role of the church, or doctrines that may be culpable in this event. Five months since, I feel I’ve grown substantially as a person. Although I’m still a bit conflicted on my personal issues with the church, and where I want to go with it, I have been healthier, happier, and far more in tuned with heavenly father in a way I have never been before. Thank you all for your kind words and support.
I think the best approach for a spouse who has a doubting partner is simply to offer unconditional love. We are all work-in-process, few of us have perfect faith. For whatever reason, your former wife has not yet developed that perspective. Her emotional affair with an old boyfriend reinforces a belief that she is not receptive to the Spirit that would have dictated a different path. I don’t think it is wrong to doubt as long as we don’t give up. I am sorry for the terrible hurt that must have accompanied a divorce. An additional thought: There have been times in my life when what appeared to be the worst thing that could have happened to me turned out to the best. If you live according to the light you presently have, the Lord will give you more. If you keep yourself clean and moral and don’t use this as an excuse to do things that you know in your heart are wrong, you will eventually have all that you could ever want in an eternal spouse. Everything in this life is temporary. “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Psalms 30:5
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