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I recently had a one hour phone conversation with my bishop about my concerns with the Church. I turned 38 this week, which got my thinking. Things aren’t exactly working for me. I love the restored Gospel of Christ (whatever the literalness of JS’s experiences, the origins of the BOM, etc.). I grew up in the heart of the Mormon Corridor, and most of my family, friends, and life experiences are Mormon. I am genetically and culturally Mormon. But I have a homosexual orientation and am single. As I have gained more education and life experience, gained a more nuanced understanding of church history, and grown more liberal, my place in the Church and my tolerance for its cultural shenanigans seems to be dwindling. The tensions between my love for the church and my situation are growing intolerable. In my conversation with my bishop, I wanted to share with him why I’ve been skipping church, and maybe find some answers about how to move forward:
• I was a very sensitive, compliant, and scrupulous young man. I was primed for all the church-related guilt trips. I internalized it all, and spent two decades with diminished self-confidence and clinical depression. I have almost moved my spiritual locus of control away from the Church and more into myself, but I’m not quite there yet. So every time someone in Church starts pulling the old manipulative guilt-trip crap to motivate me to do the Work, I feel very angry, and Church ends up being a complete wash for me emotionally. Unfortunately, this has been happening nearly every week. I am feeling like I need to just take the Sacrament, and then go home. But this conflicts with my calling as part of the EQP.
• SSA: I underwent fifteen years of reparative therapy. As much as I wanted to change, it didn’t work. My whole spiritual paradigm was contingent on my eventual change and marriage to a woman. When it became clear that it wasn’t going to happen, it completely rocked my world. I have had to face the fact that I am gay (at least for now). This is a complete game changer for me with the Church. I have realized that the Church has no life path for celibate men, and that I am going to have to carve one out for myself. My plan is to become a disciple of Christ—and ironically, I’m finding that the Church currently supports family life over Christian discipleship. I understand why the Church has to talk so much about the Family. I would desperately like to be a husband and father. Unfortunately, every time the Family is discussed (more times than Christ, it seems), it’s like a knife going through my heart.
• In spite of the general positive evolution of Church policy in regard to LGBT people, there is still a lot of homophobia and intolerance. If I were to get up in SM on fast and testimony meeting and share my sexual orientation with the congregation, half of them would immediately shun me and treat me like a monster. These people still believe that gayness is a choice, and can simply be unchosen. They also still believe that it is a sin, in spite of changes in Church policy (the 2007 “God Loveth His Children” pamphlet, and the 2010 CHI). Frustratingly, the Q15 seem to be doing very little to disabuse them (I suspect they are divided on the issue). Why won’t they aggressively address it over the pulpit? Tell LGBTs they love us publicly, and not just in private? As a result of all this, I just don’t feel like I belong in the Church.
My bishop listened very carefully and kindly to all of this, and finally said “These are all tough issues, Turin. I just don’t have any answers. What can I do for you?” I told him that just listening to me was a big help. We’re going to meet tomorrow after church, to discuss my spiritual goals. He is thinking about my problems, and hopeful he has some ideas. My current ideas are as follows:
• I need to limit my contact with the Church while I solidify my emotional boundaries. Maybe I should just take the Sacrament, and only stay when I feel good about it. Jettison the belief that I have to stay for three hours every Sunday.
• Unfortunately, the above necessitates that I be released from my callings, at least for now. I feel conflicted about this, because I know that the ward and stake need me (my INFJness kicking in).
• I want to put a personal spiritual life ahead of my life in the Church—Praying in my own ways, reading devotional texts that might not necessarily be LDS, and serving outside the Church. I need to give myself permission to do this.
• I need to find a way to tithe that is personally meaningful and financially realistic. I am a professor in the arts, and I just don’t make very much money, and never will. I barely make ends meet before tithing. But I have a lot to offer the Kingdom in other ways. Why can’t my non-monetary contributions count? I’m not a moneyed person, and I’ll never be able to save money and get out of the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle if I’m forking over 10% to the Church every month.
• I have a spiritual and emotional need to do more for the people of the world than serve in the Church, but I only have 24 hours in a day to do it. That means if I want to volunteer in the community, I’m going to have to give less to the Church.
Maybe, in a few years, I will have the inner strength to let idiotic comments in Church just bead up and roll off my back. Maybe I’ll have more money to give. Maybe I’ll have enough personal spiritual nourishment that the lack of meat in SS and EQ won’t make me feel cheated every Sunday. I don’t know. But I do know that my path forward might necessitate some disengagement with the Church, and put me in firmly in the “less-active” column. What to do?
Quote:Maybe, in a few years, I will have the inner strength to let idiotic comments in Church just bead up and roll off my back.
Maybe. Time works for some, not others.
Good luck.
I think those are very good commitments at this point in your life, imo. Please don’t let go of them. turinturambar wrote:Why won’t they aggressively address it over the pulpit?
Good question. My wife used those exact words just today. What do they have to lose? I don’t get it.Quote:My bishop listened very carefully and kindly to all of this, and finally said “These are all tough issues, Turin. I just don’t have any answers. What can I do for you?”
Sounds like you won in the bishop lottery. What a good guy he sounds like.Quote:What to do?
It sounds like you know what to do. Try different things. Follow your inner light and see where it leads you. Don’t feel guilty about it. What could go wrong?🙂 Turinturambar, I’m sorry for your struggles. You said:
Quote:My current ideas are as follows:
• I need to limit my contact with the Church while I solidify my emotional boundaries. Maybe I should just take the Sacrament, and only stay when I feel good about it. Jettison the belief that I have to stay for three hours every Sunday.
• Unfortunately, the above necessitates that I be released from my callings, at least for now. I feel conflicted about this, because I know that the ward and stake need me (my INFJness kicking in).
• I want to put a personal spiritual life ahead of my life in the Church—Praying in my own ways, reading devotional texts that might not necessarily be LDS, and serving outside the Church. I need to give myself permission to do this.
• I need to find a way to tithe that is personally meaningful and financially realistic. I am a professor in the arts, and I just don’t make very much money, and never will. I barely make ends meet before tithing. But I have a lot to offer the Kingdom in other ways. Why can’t my non-monetary contributions count? I’m not a moneyed person, and I’ll never be able to save money and get out of the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle if I’m forking over 10% to the Church every month.
• I have a spiritual and emotional need to do more for the people of the world than serve in the Church, but I only have 24 hours in a day to do it. That means if I want to volunteer in the community, I’m going to have to give less to the Church.
This seems like a reasonable plan for now. You may want to include, joining some type of support group. The worst part of what you’re experiencing is probably the feeling that you are alone. As good as this site is, it doesn’t replace a face to face conversation with people that are experiencing the same things you are. It take time, but I believe that your answers will come.
Mike from Milton.
Coming from a 90 hour work week this week(Jewish holiday time). I understand the trouble for time commitment. As well as money(I went homeless for a couple months and 2 other times starved for over a week paying tithing). I am really not money driven but don’t shy away from hard work. I do my best to let the sometimes rhetoric bounce off at work but my natural tendency is to take it all seriously , lierally and personal as I was taught. So I fight against the grain in that. I say this not to sound angry(I’m not) but I understand life is dynamic. There are periods of time we can feel great within ourselves, and commit to the time and things expected and move forward. Then thier are periods of time when we can’t even keep up with work and basic obligations. And everything inbetween. I think you’ve made great efforts. I don’t personally know you but I certainly understand feeling emotionally, finicially and physically drained through expectations. I hope you can find balance or refreshment(rejuvenation) in seeking the balance you need. Any decision doesn’t have to be permanent. Only you and god know what your individual situation can sustain. I hope it works out for you. I feel touched by your efforts. It makes me smile. I also love serving outside the church as well as in. “in as much as you have done it unto the least of my brethern you have done it unto me”. That certainly to all our brothers and sisters, not just inside the faith but both. I pray that you can find positive healthy ways that make the gospel meaning personally to you and effect you in positive ways. My heart goes with those that serve and love to serve inside and outside the church.
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