My introduction

[Anonymous]

My husband and I were both raised in the church, he served a mission, we were married in the temple, we attended BYU, etc, etc. When we got married we were very conservative, TBM. Fast forward 10 years, and we are both much more liberal, politically and socially, and we are finally admitting to ourselves and each other that we don’t believe in the Church anymore. It was such a slow, gradual process, I’m not sure how/when/where it started. We’ve been ok faking it for several years, but because of our more liberal political beliefs, the new policy change has really pushed us over the edge. We have been agonizing over what to do ever since the policy came out.

We live in an extremely conservative part of Utah. All of our parents and siblings live nearby and we are extremely close to them, as are our children to their cousins. Minus one sister and her husband who are not active anymore, everyone else is TBM and very, very conservative. Pretty much everyone we associate with is active TBM–only a few of them know how liberal we are, and I don’t know of anyone in our ward/circle of friends that is like us. Our friends, most of our neighbors, our children’s friends, are pretty much all in our ward and all assume that we are also conservative TBM–I guess that’s our fault for not being more open.

Because of our families and social circles and fear of backlash and desire to maintain good relationships, we don’t feel like we can leave the church, but it has felt impossible to stay how we are, pretending that nothing has changed for us. I’m so grateful to have found this forum/site, so we have a safe place to find support. More than that, it’s amazing to read stories of HOPE from people who are making it work. Thank you!!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for stopping by and sharing part of your story with us.

brittastheworst wrote:

we don’t feel like we can leave the church, but it has felt impossible to stay how we are

This sounds familiar.

I think at times we get to a point we need to try something new. You sound very connected and so it is smart you are trying to think about how to approach it.

What if you start to find some areas that you both agree on is just not important to your family right now, and start letting go of some things to see if that helps staying be more palatable, while not completely going all out?

I think if you focus on some very important things, like loving your neighbor, help and service like helping people move or doing nice things for home or visiting teaching families, or one on one talks with individuals, you can let go of a lot of other things we feel burdened or obligated to do for fear of what people with think…when really…those things will not matter as long as people know you are good people.

Start peeling the onion and discard the things that don’t really matter, and by discarding them feel less stress and pressure.

I think there is a time in our lives when God gives us the keys, and says “Be careful, but go do what you need to. I trust you.”

While doing that, stay balanced and remember the things that do add value for your family by being associated with the church, and cling to those things.

Go slow, and hopefully it can be something your family gets closer as you use personal revelation to decide for your home what is right for you.

[Anonymous]

brittastheworst wrote:

Minus one sister and her husband who are not active anymore, everyone else is TBM and very, very conservative.

How is this inactive sister and her husband received? Have they managed to still be integrated into the family dynamic?

You are welcome here!

[Anonymous]

brittastheworst wrote:

I’m so grateful to have found this forum/site, so we have a safe place to find support. More than that, it’s amazing to read stories of HOPE from people who are making it work. Thank you!!

Hi, britta…. I’m glad you’re here. Having people to talk with is so important. I hope you can eventually find some “in real life,” too, but it’s nice that you and your husband are on the same page. Looking forward to hearing more.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the forum. This is a safe place to ask questions and express your thoughts with some degree of anonymity. Your situation is familiar to many here, looking at how they cope and sharing how you do can be beneficial to all of us. I hope you find peace.

[Anonymous]

Just a thought:

Eternal progression means we are not meant to stay how we are – but community also is an important aspect of being human.

Peace is found in balance – and balance is not an easy thing to maintain until it becomes natural and fully internal.

I am glad you are here. I hope we can help you and you can help us.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the sweet words of welcome. I love that I now have a safe place to feel support!

To answer Roy’s question, my sister that is inactive is on my side, which is much more accepting than my husband’s side. We are very close with all my siblings, including her and her husband, but I know my mom is heartbroken that sis is “falling away”, because she (my mom) calls me and tells me all the time. On my side, we are more concerned about hurting my parents; on my husband’s side, we’re more concerned about his parents never accepting it and nagging us for the rest of our lives.

But for now, we are happy to find a balance in attending church and being active without being literal believers.

Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

I see the TBM nature of your family as probably the biggest challenge in getting through this for you….with the local congregation, you can always assert yourself and contain the experience. The relationships are normally arms length and there is SUPPOSED to be confidentiality with the leaders if they see you haven’t renewed your temple recommend. With family, it’s more obvious and meaningful that you are not active or at least, fully TBM.

I personally would try to keep it from your extended family as much as possible. But if it becomes obvious this isn’t possible then let it slowly come to light, but only as much as you have to. People can accept slow change much better than fast change.

I know this next suggestion may not be practical, but having physical distance between you and your TBM family can be productive when you are experiencing doubt. I realize so much of our lives depend on our jobs, so quitting and starting over in the “mission field” may not be practical, but if the opportunity arises, I would consider taking the opportunity — jobs don’t last forever these days.

Good luck though, and thanks for the succinct introduction..

[Author]

Posts