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My mother and younger sister are coming to stay with us for four days. It will be great to see them and spend time with them. After living close by for 10 years, we now live 300-400 miles away and only see each other a few times a year. My children are her only grandkids and they can’t wait to see her. I’m a little worried that something might ‘out’ me this visit. Last time I saw her, I was still wearing garments and fully active in the church. As far as I’m aware, she has no idea about our disaffection. Although, lately she brings up praying for something or going to the temple or paying tithing during every weekly phone call. She’s probably always done it and I’m just more paranoid now. Just a few days ago we were notified of something that is putting us in a bit of a bind financially. Her first comment to me on the phone about it was “Well, you’re paying your tithing and going to the temple right? So you can call on the Lord in full confidence that He will take care of it.” I just glossed over it and said I’m sure we’ll be just fine.
What do I do if she asks me a direct question? I don’t feel like I should lie to her, but I also don’t want to hurt her. She’s always been a very faithful member and that faith has sustained her through a lot of trials. She’s a big believer in sacrificing to pay your tithing, frequent temple attendance, protective power of the garments etc.
My disbelief will make all but one of her children that are not active in the church. I’ve always been the one that has done everything right. The only one married in the temple, going to college and grad school, raising her grandchildren in the church. It breaks my heart to know that I’m going to break her heart.
Anyway, I guess I’m posting here to see if any of you have advice or experience in this area. As you can tell, I’m feeling a bit anxious about it. I really want to be able to relax and enjoy her visit.
If I were you I might put the garments back on for this visit. That might seem dishonest but I can’t think of any good way to have that conversation that starts with “So why aren’t you wearing garments?” I have had several conversations with my own mother that especially focus on how I believe that the love of our Heavenly Father transcends our participation or even membership in the LDS church.
But…. even if you don’t want to put the garments on… I would recommend keeping it possitive.
Example:
“Why aren’t you wearing garments?”
“I believe that God’s love transcends what underwear I am wearing.”
“But you made a promise in the temple never to take them off!”
“The temple is such a great way to draw closer to God. Right now I am focusing on getting to know God in other ways.”
“You are a covenant breaker and I am so ashamed of you!”
“Mom, you raised me well. DW and I and continuing to build our relationship with God. I am not turning my back on anything you have taught me but at the same time I am growing into my own way of seeing and experiencing things.”
“You are dead to me and we are leaving!”
Hopefully your conversation goes better than this but I think you get the picture.
On second thought… maybe you should put your garments back on…
[full disclosure – I was feeling somewhat mischevious when I wrote this and I sincerely hope that nobody ever might face such blatant rejection from a parent.
:thumbdown: ]Quote:That is a very personal conversation that I am having with God and I’m not yet prepared to invite additional opinions into the dialogue.
-or- I used to imagine being hard pressed in a situation and in desperation offering to see their side as soon as they could provide a good answer for Joseph’s polyandry
😳 …but I don’t recommend that at all.I would just wear them until they leave. It’s simpler. You know how you feel about the whole issue, and that is what matters, whether the garments are on or off. I think having one-liners ready is a good idea thought, such as the one’s Roy put together.
Quote:Roy said: “You are dead to me and we are leaving!”
I’m sorry, that just really made me laugh. Nothing like going for the worst case scenario!
That being said, sometimes parents don’t realize these are really private matters, such as when my mother loudly asked in sacrament meeting, “Why aren’t you taking the sacrament?” I whispered, “Shhhhhh, that is private.” I don’t think it ever occurred to her that it wasn’t her business.
I think in your position the easiest thing is to be truthful if asked, but I’d go ahead and wear the garments just so that maybe the subject of church doesn’t really come up, and you can have an enjoyable time.
MayB wrote:It breaks my heart to know that I’m going to break her heart.
Back when I was angrier and more discombobulated, I said some things that probably distressed my mom. She definitely feels that church membership was, next to life itself, her greatest gift to me. For all I know (I’m a little humbler now) it was. My advice is to make sure that whatever you say about the church can’t be construed as an attack on her. My two cents is to not hide on the garment issue. If you don’t wear them right now, or all the time, you don’t. Maybe you will in the future. Maybe it’s good for her to see you functioning “normally” without them?
Quote:My advice is to make sure that whatever you say about the church can’t be construed as an attack on her.
This.
It won’t be easy, but perhaps something as simple as, “I’m grateful for the foundation you gave me. Now I’m taking that and building my own understanding of the Church and the Gospel. I know you don’t understand right now, but I love you and would like your support as I figure all of this out again.”
No situation is the same for different people, even when they look the same. God bless you as you try to work this out.
She’s going to find out sooner or later, I guess the question is more how she finds out. A calm, civil explanation of your feelings would be nice, but I don’t know if a relatively short visit which you obviously want to be a happy time is the right time for that. Hopefully you can avoid the direct questions, but if they come up are you able to get away with a statement like “Mom, I’m sure you’ve noticed I’m having some struggles right now. I do want to discuss them with you but I’m not ready to do that now. We have such a short time together, let’s enjoy it and we can discuss this later when we’re both ready.” I think it depends on where your relationship with her is, how open and how close you are to be able share deep and sincere thoughts and beliefs with each other. MayB wrote:I don’t feel like I should lie to her, but I also don’t want to hurt her.
I think this a great and compassionate expression. You don’t want to hurt her.
There is probably an analogy here like when people are asked, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Honesty is a good thing. Being tactful is a good thing too.
If there is enough trust and the relationship has enough in the bank account to handle it, I think it is a good step to just not wear garments and be able to say you aren’t going to church or paying tithing, and hopefully have enough things to talk about that it can be said without it sounding like the sky is falling.
But if you just can’t…and you just know it will turn out how Roy portrayed it…it is smart to find ways to avoid the conflict.
From what you’ve written she has said in the past…it sounds a lot like she may go first to “well of course you’re having difficult financial times…you’ve stopped going to church…if you want blessings, you have to sacrifice.”
And I wouldn’t want to get into any kind of discussion like that. I like the way you responded, “We’re doing just fine.” I would try to help show her how happy your family is, how many things you do together, praise your husband on what a wonderful guy he is, etc etc etc.
Don’t make it seem like you are being cursed…but show how wonderful you all are, that life is hard but you are doing great, and all the great things your kids are doing so she can be proud of her grandkids. You can do that and be honest, and even try to use, when you can, the mormon speak that helps bridge gaps. Such as, “we are blessed to have been taught things in the church” “we have a wonderful spirit in our home” “we have sufficient for our needs” “God helps those who help themselves” “we are grateful for wonderful people who love and support us in the church”, even “there is a prayer in our hearts things will get better”. Sometimes speaking the same language, even if you are saying “its not likely just paying tithing is going to solve our problems”.
Will she be at your place on Sunday? If so, are you going to choose to go to church with her?
How about: Quote:Sorry, but I’m not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster.
Thanks for all your responses. I’m not going to wear my garments just for the sake of avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. I just feel like that would be dishonest of me. It’s not like I wear clothes that wouldn’t cover the garments anyway, but as we’ve discussed before, it’s pretty easy to tell when someone’s not wearing them. Old-Timer wrote:How about:
Sorry, but I’m not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster.
😆 😆 😆 Love it!My mom is actually quite passive, so the more likely scenario is that she won’t say anything while she’s here, but I’ll get a concerned email or maybe a phone call later when she’s had time to think about it.
Heber13 wrote:Will she be at your place on Sunday? If so, are you going to choose to go to church with her?
Yes, she will be here on Sunday. We’re planning on attending church with her. I still go to RS to play piano every week and the rest of the family goes off and on. We aren’t planning on completely discontinuing our attendance until after our move in the next month or two. I’m not ready for the full-blown conversation and us not going to church would definitely instigate that.
Overall, my plan for the weekend is to just have a good time. We’ve got lots of things planned to do. I’m not going to bring up anything church-related and if anything comes up that I’m not ready to talk about, I’ll use some of the great answers that all of you have given me.
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