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Some of you know my situation — TBM wife, TBM daughter who achieved her YW medallion at 14 — very spiritual. I was heavily involved in priesthood leadership for many, many years, temple married, served a mission. I have a diabetic son who just turned 11. We spoke to him about receiving the priesthood in a year. My son said he doesn’t want it. Won’t tell us why, he just stonewalls when we ask for reasons. My wife says he doesn’t want to pass the sacrament. He has never liked church as a kid.
I haven’t said anything I’m aware of to turn him against the priesthood that I am aware of. In fact lately, I have described my involvement in the community as the priesthood in action, and my priesthood service. I used to take him home teaching which he was OK with as a little boy (6 years of age), even though I knew it was not allowed. He would play with kids at the members’ homes.
My wife thinks he is bitter toward God because he prayed for a cure to his diabetes when he was diagnosed 5 years ago. Nothing came by way of relief. However, he still quotes God as helping him find his hamster when he prayed for it after it was lost — twice.
I am not sure about how I feel about this. At one time, as TBM, the thought of my son being an unordained teenager or adult would have been mind-shattering. I have mixed feelings about this.
Positives
Now, after feeling so used and abused by our leaders at different times the last 30 years, part of me thinks he is doing himself a favor as I wouldn’t wish some of my experiences on anyone. Not having the priesthood excludes him from many unpleasant experiences if his experience is anything like mine. Also, his unwillingness to receive the priesthood means I don’t have to go to a Bishop begging for permission to give him the priesthood, or shoulder the embarrassment of having someone else confer it. Although that is more of a selfish reason.
Negatives
The lingering effects of testimony bother me. Also, he is without a value system if he does not have the church, and I’m not sure what that value system will be — it’s kind of disturbing.
1. How would you react to his non-interest in recieving the Aaronic Priesthood?
2. How would you feel about it personally?
I would tell him I will support him – that it’s a decision I hope he will make eventually but is his decision to make. I would take it as it comes from there. I’ve done that with all my kids when they said something that wasn’t orthodox and included visible actions – and, so far, at least three of the six have done that about something.
The thought I had is that if he’s really old enough to have the PH, he’s also old enough to decide he doesn’t want to have it. I agree you have to treat him with respect and do what you can to create respect for his agency in your ward. SilentDawning wrote:The lingering effects of testimony bother me. Also, he is without a value system if he does not have the church, and I’m not sure what that value system will be — it’s kind of disturbing.
I wouldn’t worry too much about them getting values outside of the church. Some of the most morally strong people I have known were raised without religion. Parents can, and should, be teaching correct values in the home. I personally think that a value system learned independent of religion can be stronger, since the values are more deliberate and not due to peer pressure. I think there is more opportunity to correct values along the way if something doesn’t seem right (ie racist out homophobic values) when there is this separation.
I have also seen (and experienced personally) the danger of values tied too close to an organization. In my own case extreme pressure to stay in a church I didn’t want to be a part of meant that rebelling against my parents and church also meant turning my back on the associated values.
Teach him correct principles and allow him to govern himself (at least in this regard). Obviously, as a minor, that’s not as comprehensive as it would be when he becomes an adult.
I too as a TBM would have been very upset if my son said that he didn’t want the priesthood but I think I would have given it some time to see if things change. The church won’t do anything to him if he waits or if he never gets the priesthood. The people at church will probably give him a hard time about it so I would Do all I could to minimize that. In my present state of belief, I would be glad that your son is willing to stand up for himself and not be pressured into doing what he feels is not right for him. Isn’t that what we try to teach our kids, don’t give in to peer pressure. How does your wife feel about this? I don’t think it’s a big deal. He should get the Aaronic priesthood, if he has been baptized. No one can force him to pass sacrament and the AP is not as onerous as the Melchizedek… and less of a big step than baptism, seriously, disabuse him of any fears… he should just run with it. church0333 wrote:How does your wife feel about this?
She is a very positive person with a very short-term perspective. She was the one who broke the news to me, and she doesn’t seem upset about it. I think its because her positive mind has convinced her that this is temporary, that he is not yet old enough to receive the priesthood, so why worry about it. He already refused going to cubs years ago and she was happy to let him NOT go. I am not criticizing her, though, she is just very accepting of what this boy’s choices are. I always tend to blame myself for such things, but she doesn’t blame anyone; she sees it as a choice my son has made — an expression of who he is.
I just spoke to him a few minutes ago, asking again if he’d like to share his feelings about it. He said he doesn’t want the priesthood because he doesn’t want to pass the sacrament. He also doesn’t want to be up in front of people as he passes the sacrament.
I told him that I will not try to force him, but that I hope he will do it at some point. When I said that, he opened his arms wide, inviting me to engage in a hug.
Part of me is not upset about this. After you receive the priesthood, the local leaders hold that over your head to make you do things that detract from work, family, and inner peace. Some of them use it as a license to hire and fire you on their own terms, regardless of your personal needs, and they can often demand the commitment of a fully-employed employee even though you are simple volunteer. This has happened to me so many times over my lifetime, I have redirected my service outside the church. I don’t think I can expect much commitment from my own son unless he truly wants it.
What is good about this development is that
a) I realize how important it is for me to start being more proactive about teaching my family values. We teach them implicitly through our behavior, and our family traditions, but I have not been proactive in overtly teaching a value system.
b) I think I should be working harder at helping him get a testimony of God and prayer. I worked very hard at this with my daughter many years ago, and him, and it led to some very pronounced experiences that made them believe in prayer at that time. My daughter has taken up the torch of prayer and has a strong testimony. My son — he says he doesn’t pray anymore. I think this might be why he feels so little affinity for the priesthood.
One problem was that he prayed to be cured of Type 1 Diabetes at 6 years of age and that didn’t happen. It weakened his faith…
SamBee wrote:I don’t think it’s a big deal. He should get the Aaronic priesthood, if he has been baptized. No one can force him to pass sacrament and the AP is not as onerous as the Melchizedek… and less of a big step than baptism, seriously, disabuse him of any fears… he should just run with it.
I think you seriously underestimate the peer pressure, and adult pressure, of him having the priesthood and not passing the sacrament. Even in my little ward that would be worse than not having the priesthood at all. I would not expect my 12 year old, or any 12 year old, to have to endure that kind of pressure. I really can’t find the words to describe it – pressure doesn’t cover it.
SD, I’m going to agree with the majority, let him choose. What you have taught him about morality and ethics at home is of great value. I know some great kids who are non-religious but have great values and will be fine,upstanding adults. It’s sort of like the church and the gospel – they are related and while you can’t really have the church without the gospel, you can have the gospel without the church.
SilentDawning wrote:a) I realize how important it is for me to start being more proactive about teaching my family values. We teach them implicitly through our behavior, and our family traditions, but I have not been proactive in overtly teaching a value system.
Your actions say far more than your words will ever say. My Dutch uncle advice is don’t get too preachy.
SilentDawning wrote:One problem was that he prayed to be cured of Type 1 Diabetes at 6 years of age and that didn’t happen. It weakened his faith…
I totally get this and the part where you say he doesn’t pray anymore. I really do. Another word of Dutch uncle advice: be careful of equating lack of prayer with his activity in the church – that’s what many others in the church do. “It’s not that simple.”
Quote:
I think you seriously underestimate the peer pressure, and adult pressure, of him having the priesthood and not passing the sacrament. Even in my little ward that would be worse than not having the priesthood at all. I would not expect my 12 year old, or any 12 year old, to have to endure that kind of pressure. I really can’t find the words to describe it – pressure doesn’t cover it.First off, he doesn’t want the priesthood…and I am not going to force him. So, not having the priesthood will be the ostracizing factor, not his unwillingness to pass the sacrament.
Here is where our decision to attend another ward may help us. The new Ward does not have our records and we don’t live in it. I don’t believe my son is allowed to pass the sacrament if he is not on the Ward records. Further, the local Bishop has no authority to grant him the Aaronic Priesthood in the new Ward.
Is this true? Those of you with experience — how will this play out in a Ward that does not have our records that we attend regularly? So far, the Bishop is simply leaving us alone in that Ward, so it is not an issue with the new ward leadership forcing us to do anything. And I have a plan in case they do.
I think you’re right in that the bishop of the ward where your records aren’t can’t authorize you to confer the priesthood on your son. We do, however, have occasional visitors in our ward who have been allowed to pass the sacrament (we don’t have enough AP on our own to do so, usually MP helps). I think it has to do with whether the bishop knows the boy and knows he holds the priesthood and is pretty sure he’s worthy (he’s probably no more sure than any other 12 year old in the ward as far as worthiness). FWIW, they’re usually relatives of ward members and/or members who have moved way and are back visiting. Side note: It’s not clear if you’re responding to me in your last post. My response was in response to SamBee, and I agree with you, don’t force him. I was trying to make the point that there will be a great deal of pressure on the boy either way, both from other boys in the ward (perhaps some of it prompted by adults, but no necessarily – he’s likely to get the “Why don’t you pass the sacrament/hold the priesthood?” question even somewhat innocently) and from adult leadership. Not holding the priesthood at all will likely bring less of this kind of pressure than holding it and not participating, IMO.
As far as pressure goes, we have had various YM in our ward who didn’t receive the PH and weren’t baptized even due to a joint custody arrangement in which the ex didn’t want the children to be members of the church. So it’s not entirely unusual. In this case what’s unusual is that he is baptized and it’s his own choice. But where you are not in your own ward, it’s probably easy enough to navigate. Glad your wife is supportive. I hope people don’t misunderstand me here. Yes, it is his choice – not an issue that way. But as I say regarding Aaronic priesthood – I reckon he should just take it. We get asked many difficult things in the church, but I don’t think AP is amongst them. Certainly an easier choice than baptism, callings, TRs, missions, Melchizedek priesthood, WoW, chastity etc. It’s really not a big deal in relation to many other things in the church.
Bit in the eyes of a 12 year old boy it seems huge. Pressuring or coercing him into it could turn this into a much larger issue in his mind. Sent from my SGH-I747M using Tapatalk
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