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That’s true from an objective perspective, Sam, and I agree with you from that perspective – but what is important to someone is important to someone. It’s no different than the principle that what is emotional to one person is emotional to that person – even if it’s not emotional to anyone else.
Remember — when I told him I wouldn’t force him, he opened his arms wide and initiated a hug for me. There is more than the Aaronic Priesthood at stake — there is the relationship between son and father at stake. And my life experiences have shown me the Church is more than willing to let itself come between family members if it furthers its own interests. The one-year penalty showed me that 30 years ago, for people who choose to get married civilly out of respect for their non-member family. Also, I cannot, with conscience, be a priesthood manual thumper to my boy. I will be frank — I no longer believe in all aspects of the expectations of priesthood holders as promulgated in the LDS Church. The expected long hours and service to the Church (which is not always to mankind) is not something I can encourage. I would rather have my son feeling a sense of community toward members, non-members and people in society who need it at large. And you can do this without the priesthood.
Let him see that service to mankind can occur without the priesthood — and in ways that may well be at least as meaningful as in the church.
I also see the great irony of priesthood service in the church. It’s voluntary, but after you accept it, they hang it over your head with threats of not receiving forgiveness in the next life if you turn altogether therefrom. They use it to guilt you into doing tired, worn out programs like home teaching, which in my view, have minimal impact for the time invested. They are nice to you to get you to make covenants, but then hold those covenants over your head if you run into obstacles that prevent you from fulfilling them — and they are not easy.
So, although I would like to see him embrace the priesthood if he wants, I don’t think I could be the father-figure who teaches him the
“party-line”. It would have to come from within, from his character, as True Blue Mormonism flows from my daughter’s character.
I am not going to try to redirect the river of his own personality.
SilentDawning wrote:Remember — when I told him I wouldn’t force him, he opened his arms wide and initiated a hug for me.
:thumbup: You mentioned that when you try to get him to explain why he doesn’t want the priesthood, he stonewalls you. I’m willing to bet there’s some kind of anxiety going on behind the scenes, and he either can’t explain it or is nervous about the consequences of explaining it. Pushing him might be exactly the wrong thing to do. I would give him time and space, love him as much as possible and reassure him that you love him no matter what, and whatever issue he might have will hopefully rise to the surface. This is a tactic I frequently have to employ with my 6-year-old girl (I can’t wait until she’s a teen :shudder:). He told me he doesn’t want to pass the sacrament. My wife indicated he doesn’t want people looking at him. He also said “I just don’t want to do it”. He’s a stubborn kid, by the way — very stubborn and strong-willed when he wants something, and he resorts to stonewalling all the time so any concerns has has CAN’T be resolved. Kind of like how some of us here stonewall our leaders when they go prying for reasons for less activity.
It wouldn’t surprise me if there is anxiety, however. He is a very anxious kid ever since he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes 5 years ago.
Yeah, I think there must be an underlying reason why he doesn’t want to do it. If it’s because he doesn’t like people looking at him, that might be some kind of social anxiety. Or maybe it’s something else. Hopefully you can figure out exactly what’s bothering him at some point. Then you can try to resolve the concern or help him be at peace with his decisions, whatever you feel is best. I have one really stubborn kid, too. I feel your pain.
Used to be called shyness, before we dressed it up in medical terminology and made it a condition. It is perfectly normal amongst adolescents who don’t want to be embarrassed. Let me give you an example of his shyness or anxiety. He refuses to ride elevators. I tried to get him to tell me why, and he wouldn’t tell me. I finally told him we would take the stairs provided he told me the real reason why he is so afraid of elevators. He said it was because my wife told him she got stuck in one, once. He said that he’s concerned that if he got stuck in the elevator, he could have a diabetic low (He’s a Type 1 diabetic). We could be without necessary glucose to bring his blood sugar up, and he could die or have brain damage if people couldn’t get him out in time (a true possible consequence). I showed him the phone and the emergency button, but that would not satisfy him.
Remember, he refused to tell me this for a couple years. When you think about it, its the beginning of a practical reason and it makes a kind of sense to a young boy of 11 years of age. I showed him the phone that we can call if it ever happens in the elevator, and our cell phones, and explained it has never happened to me personally. He refuses to believe it and errs on the side of caution.
Now, I doubt if diabetes is the cause of not wanting the priesthood or passing the sacrament, but I share this as an example of the root causes of other phobias in his life — and he has a few others, such as refusing to sleep alone. Again, he’s afraid he will have a diabetic low and wants a parent as close to him as possible. He also heard the story of Elizabeth Smart and is afraid of someone coming in at night and taking him away.
When he was diagnosed years ago with Diabetes, his sense of security in the world shattered…..poor kid.
At the same time, he is not socially anxious — he ran for Students Council last year and doesn’t have any fear of talking to people, even adults.
Diabetes is not as life shattering as it used to be perhaps. I remember a boy at school who had to inject himself all the time with nasty looking needles… this seems to have been replaced by more benign methods of introducing insulin. It does sound as if he has a few other issues. While psychiatry can be good for some stuff, I think all too often it just ends up labeling people and doping them up. In the end up, some of the good old methods work just as well eg TLC, socialization and support. I suspect part of his problem might also be that he sees passing the sacrament as a chore.
You don’t have to answer this… but has he been bullied badly?
It appears that he worries about things more than most and that he tends toward literalism and seeing extreme possibilities. Is he highly imaginative?
Sometimes, what you are describing is the other side of imaginative genius.
SilentDawning wrote:I am not going to try to redirect the river of his own personality.
This line really spoke to me. I wish I had more to offer. My experience in this area is so limited. My only real suggestion is to love him, love him, and love him some more.
My own son has had some behavioral challenges that we believe are rooted in perfectionism and anxiety. We have looked into various disorders to try to understand more. Although we have learned some helpful coping mechanism’s that have helped – we haven’t found anything that really fits for our particular situation. He frequently tells me that he is scared or nervious. I let him know that it is ok to be scared or nervous and that he can lean on me for reassurance/comfort.
We listen more to him and give him choices. We don’t force him to do anything but go to school and church. Everything else might have a natural consequence but is his choice.
In your situation, I believe it is important to support him. Do not dismiss his concerns. I think that your relationship is more important than the priesthood. Hopefully someday soon – he will confide his reasons and then you can discuss them and prove to him once again that you are worthy of his trust in these matters.
Thanks Roy, for those kind words and yes, I love him very much and show and express it regularly. He has not been bullied, although he is smaller than average. He can be very aggressive in terms of leadership (not physically usually, unless he has high blood sugar, and even then, its more like over-energetic behavior).
I did have him in counselling once, and he got calmer for a while. However, just as background, he DID wake up once with temporary but severe paralysis in his left arm. He had a diabetic seizure in the night when he slept alone, and my daughter heard him making strange noises. Seizues are unpredictable in newly diagnosed type 1 diabetics as their pancreas spontanesously generates insulin and can promot blood sugar so low, it creates a seizure.
So, that fear is born out of experience. It happened to him twice the first two months he was diagnosed, and even when he was awake once — bit the paralysis (which went away after he got sugar into his system), was very real and scary to us all.
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