My Spiritual Journey

[Anonymous]

Thanks again to everyone for their warm welcome. Here are some thoughts from this week…

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All of my life I have tried to be the “good girl” and live up to some warped expectations that were a mixture of religious/parental influence. I am not saying the expectations were wrong or were not worthy of striving to live by, but the manner in which I perceived myself and the reasons behind why I wanted to meet such expectations were warped.

This is because instead of working towards accomplishments, goals, dreams, or choosing to live by certain standards because they were what I wanted, I did everything for external rewards. The reward of pleasing my parents, the reward of pleasing church associates, the reward of believing I was a “good girl” and was “better” than others…the reward of living in a safe and non-threatening bubble where I didn’t have to face down some of the difficult questions about myself.

Questions such as:

Who am I?

What makes me “good” or “bad” (or both—because I am human)?

What are the underlying ethics that support my personal behavior?

What do I want out of life? What do I want to contribute to life?

Who do I want to be?

These are questions I should have started working through in adolescence and young adulthood but I was so focused on pleasing other people and living up to their expectations that I never took the time to struggle with these issues.

As I have started to face down these questions over the past several years, I have realized a couple of things.

I am good simply because I am. What I choose to do with my basic good self is up to me. I can choose to apply who I am to the betterment of myself and the world around me or I can choose to engage in destructive behaviors. I will, of course, make mistakes but what matters more than the “mistake” is that I learn from the experience and learn more about who I am and who I want to be.

I am not as “nice” or as “good” as I thought I was when I was living in the little self-deceiving, self-righteous, self-created world of black and white. Being “nice” and/or “good” was simply a way for me to manipulate my world in an attempt to control the people and events in my life.

I deserve to be myself and so does everyone else. I can respect others, their freedom to be who they are, and enjoy the beauty they make of their life as I also respect myself and my right to do the same.

I want to be in relationships (whether familial, friendship, or intimate) because the persons involved WANT to be with me…not because they “need” me. I used to be afraid that if they didn’t NEED me there would be no reason for them to have me around. I now know that I am worthy of being “wanted” and that I don’t have to do anything to be worthy of such affection or love. I can also care for others by simply wanting to be in their lives, not forcing them to take what I am offering, and just accepting and celebrating who they are.

What I want….and this list will continue to grow as I continue to discover my own preferences…

I want to be healthy physically and emotionally (I am no longer afraid of being attractive)

I want to cultivate a rich and diverse circle of friends

I want to continue to work towards financial stability

I want to be brutally honest with myself

I want to continue to learn (take classes, attend stimulating lectures, expand my horizons and perspectives)

I want to be in a loving and fulfilling relationship

I want to be present each day and be present for my family and friends in ways that truly support who they are and where they are headed (and offer support from a healthy place that honors both them and me)

I want to continue to cultivate a healthy relationship with my sons

I want to learn more about my own personal path/relationship to and with God

I want to cultivate the courage and personal integrity necessary to stand up for truth and justice

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing, promom. I especially enjoyed your list of the things that you want, and your perspective.

[Anonymous]

I really liked your thoughtful post. It sounds like this is a very significant moment in your life.

[Anonymous]

Great post, promom.

I too have for many years tried so hard to not let people down, it is difficult because others can have unrealistic expectations on us, and I would try so hard to do everything I could, and would still fail.

We can’t be all things to all people. So I like your new resolutions in trying to be real and honest and be able to say, “I’m ok just the way I am” – some people may want different things from us, but in the end, those that truly care about us will love us for who we are. And that is good enough.

[Anonymous]

Welcome! I am new here as well. I hope you will find that every single/divorced/widowed person and every family at Church is not perfect.(Even though we try our hardest to look that way!) – I sometimes feel like an outcast just knowing that in my head I don’t feel the same ( bearing testimony, happily teaching classes etc.) as other members. That and I have worn sandals quite a few times ( Oops just found out about that rule – 4 years later ). Saying that, I find that just like you I fall into the confusion of Culture and Gospel. It is tricky and I have yet to figure any of it out. But I wish you so much luck!

[Author]

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