My Temple Wedding Adventure

[Anonymous]

Short story — TBM daughter got married in the temple on the weekend. Months and months beforehand, we talked about my non-TR holding status and she told me not to get a TR just for the wedding and then stop living the necessary requirements afterwards. In the year preceding the marriage, I said I couldn’t guarantee I could hold a TR forever. So it was decided I wouldn’t be in the sealing room. I shared multiple times that we should never let the church come between us as a family….to which my daughter normally fell silent.

I waited in the reception/anteroom/foyer of the temple along with my bro and sister in law who had travel problems and couldn’t make it on time.

With the exception of a report from my wife that a couple of the young adult age members of the grooms’ family mouthed “Where’s the bride’s DAD???” to each other, there were no comments. There were no comments or uncomfortable moments at all. And I wasn’t there for the question about where I was in the sealing room — so it didn’t impact me, and no one answered that question either. Afterwards, I asked my father-in-law what happened and he had nothing special to report other than people had tears.

I was part of the pictures on the temple grounds, and I “gave her away” at a ring exchanging ceremony. And we had a dad.daughter.dance. During the dance, my daughter told me she ‘”felt the spirit” when I told her that we should never let the church come between us as a family . That was very cool that she would feel the spirit in a TBM way — over that rather unorthodox principle I shared. It showed me that we can manage our desire to be authentic in the church with our desire to preserve our family relationships — and have both. And I wonder if God lets the Mormons do their thing, and will bless contrarion ideas when they preserve love and harmony.

I got reports from what happened in the temple, and there was nothing out of the ordinary — it was the same wording, etcetera, that everyone experiences.

Of note to me was the ring exchanging ceremony. The officiator started with this statement “Happiness is the object and design of our whole existence”. And then had other comments afterwards. If I was more traditional, I would call this a confirmation that I had done the right thing.

As some of you may know, after my own commitment crisis started, I started using “happiness is the object and design of our whole existence” as my litmus test/filter for what I would, and would not do within the church. It has led to far greater happiness and a very full life compared to my pre-crisis period. I am thankful JS made that comment, which has reframed Mormonism for me. Isn’t it ironic — many of the policies and cultural values that sprang up after JS left this planet — these policies were simply the result of subsequent leaders. I felt like the statement the officiator started the ring ceremony with was JS speaking from the dust to me, counterbalancing policies and culture and practices he never instituted.

To have made the decision NOT to be part of the sealing, and to have the guiding principle be the first part of the comments to the bride and groom, put a very interesting spin on the experience. I stop short of calling it a confirmation, as that interpretation = is too traditional for me. But at a minimum it was ironic and most of all, affirming. I will always remember that moment!!!

I also thought the ring exchanging ceremony was of GREAT interest to teenage, temple-underage youth in the audience. They watched intently and it was very meaningful for them. I felt the ring ceremony was very important feature of the experience, and one that counterbalanced the egocentrism we see in the one year waiting period, etcetera. I thanked the groom and he commented that it was also of value to the many non-members that were there.

The other impression I had was that for me, the real event was the fact the bride and groom had found each other and were legally married — by whatever means. Not the dress, the reception, or anything else — what was MOST meaningful for me was that my daughter and her new husband seem to adore each other. And after we got to know him, found he was a very suitable person for her.

And last of all, I felt very in control. Not over anyone else — but of myself and my relationship with the LDS church. There was this great sense of self-esteem that I had not buckled or sacrificed who I am throughout this process — in spite of the many cultural pressures to do so.

I had managed to get through the value conflict of a) getting a TR when I don’t “feel it” and b) not being present at my daughter’s temple sealing. And so far, have come through it with my love and family relationships intact, This was accomplished as we managed expectations and the terms on which I would get a TR — and reached a mutual decision. And I feel in control because I am living my life on my own terms with the LDS church, without resentment or regret for what it might have “made me do”. Very happy right now 🙂 🙂 🙂 .

I thought I would share. The good news is that the temple sealing is a flash moment in time throughout the wedding experience. I think I sat in the waiting room for all of 15 minutes — and I didn’t feel left out or anything.

[Anonymous]

Congrats and glad it went well. Thanks for sharing as I might well be in a similar position before too much longer.

[Anonymous]

I’m so happy for you that you can find joy in that and your daughter supports it. I wish the best to her in her new married life.

SilentDawning wrote:

I also thought the ring exchanging ceremony was of GREAT interest to teenage, temple-underage youth in the audience. They watched intently and it was very meaningful for them. I felt the ring ceremony was very important feature of the experience, and one that counterbalanced the egocentrism we see in the one year waiting period, etcetera. I thanked the groom and he commented that it was also of value to the many non-members that were there.

Being the youngest in my family, I didn’t get to see any of my siblings actual sealings. All I got was a bunch of receptions which were long and boring where I had to pretend to care. Okay. I’m totally downplaying it, but still, I remember only a few details, like one had chocolate fountains.

My sister did a ring ceremony since her hubby was a convert, and all I gotta say is it was weird. He has a very odd taste in everything. OTOH, they had a golden spiral motif which was pretty cool.

It would have been nice had I gotten to see a normal ring ceremony. All I got was a bunch of weekends I don’t really remember except for the waiting in the temple lobby and getting annoyed at having so many pictures taken.

[Anonymous]

I chose to “opt-out” of my niece’s recent sealing ceremony, justifying it by being with family members outside that weren’t able to attend for varied reasons (non-member, inactive, etc.). Felt like the right thing to do.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Anonymous]

I do wish we had’ve rehearsed the ring ceremony beforehand.

But the only thing I would have changed is I would’ve taken my daughter’s hand and put it in the groom’s hand. All we did was walk up to the ring exchanging area and then she took her arm out of my arm and stood next to her groom. And I would’ve had speeches. I had some humor I wanted to share. I plan to write it out and give it to my daughter after this is all over. There is a second reception to deal with in a few months.

I have a bit of an odd sense of humor, and there are a lot of things that ran through my mind that had me laughing — that I couldn’t say.

Such as “I owe a debt of gratitude to [insert groom’s name here]. Not only has he made my daughter very happy, now I don’t have to pay for her to go on a mission” — and stuff like that.

But it wouldn’t have flown if there were any TBM attitudes there.

Probably the biggest negative memory was my deflated expectations about the groom’s side of the family — all LDS, all in the temple.

My daughter raved about them. and there are some striking similarities in several aspects of our family cultures. She indicated I ‘d get along famously with her father in law. But I found all but one teenager in her in-law family were stand offish and we never got to know them — not even one of the adults. I made efforts to get to know them, but their interest seemed limited to learning my name; subsequent attempts to strike up conversation were met with mono syllabic answers and dead-ends for all of my family in attendance.

As a first time father of a bride or groom, I learned quickly the relationship was limited to being at the wedding together and nothing further. I guess they saw into that faster than I did.

On an unrelated note, perhaps someone can tell me — why do people cry at weddings?

My son, who never talks about his feelings and is a teenager cried. My father-in-law cried. Back at the hotel, my wife cried. For me, the sadness happened when my daughter started showing an adult orientation to life two years ago. And sort of rejected my general thinking, opinions, and myself personally for a while. That was sad and bothersome and saddened me for months, and it still exists somewhat, but I rarely think about it now.

For me, her getting married in the temple is an event of achievement and happiness. It means she made it out of our family culture/upbringing with her religion intact — in spite of my crisis when she was a young teenager. This is a major success for me as an unorthodox/heterodox member. She found someone she thinks will make her happy, which is an achievement. I saved several thousand in mission funding I would have otherwise had to pay, She is now almost a fully independent adult. These are all worthy goals that some parents never see happen in their children.

So why is there so much crying at weddings? I heard there was a lot of tears in the sealing room. During the father daughter dance, she kept pretending to wipe my eyes for the pictures everyone was taking. I think she was disappointed I didn’t cry.

Comments?

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

So why is there so much crying at weddings?

Usually it’s onions or lemons. I’m surprised nobody told you. I guess they expected you to just know about it somehow.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations SD on successfully “launching” your daughter into adulthood.

As for the crying – I cry during some emotional moments in movies. Weddings are not exactly my thing but I can get how some people would find it very emotional.

[Anonymous]

Congrats. :thumbup: One for your daughter finding someone that makes her happy and two for sticking to your guns.

SilentDawning wrote:

why do people cry at weddings?

No idea, I’ve never cried at a wedding. Best guess: maybe in the past it was more the case that the people getting married would live with their parents right up until the ceremony, so the wedding was twofold, the marriage and that first departure from home. Daddy’s/mommy’s little son/daughter is all grown up. 😥

…and now we do it out of tradition? But isn’t there some sort of cultural expectation to cry?

IDK

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

I didn’t feel left out or anything.

SD,

I am truly happy for your and the place you’ve arrived at regarding your daughter’s sealing. This post gives me some hope for when my kids marry in the temple. About 80% of what’s keeping me with a temple recommend is that I’ll miss my kids getting their endowments prior to missions and seeing them marry (the other 20% is because my wife wants me to). I know if I choose to miss a sealing I will harbor resentment for my entire life, it’s just the type of person I am – I know it will bother me that I missed something that is so important to them.

I hope someday I can reach your level of emotional maturity. Also, thanks for sharing your rationale, it helps give me a framework to work through my own issues.

RR

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing this, friend. It makes my heart happy.

[Anonymous]

Roadrunner wrote:

SilentDawning wrote:

I didn’t feel left out or anything.

SD,

I am truly happy for your and the place you’ve arrived at regarding your daughter’s sealing. This post gives me some hope for when my kids marry in the temple. About 80% of what’s keeping me with a temple recommend is that I’ll miss my kids getting their endowments prior to missions and seeing them marry (the other 20% is because my wife wants me to). I know if I choose to miss a sealing I will harbor resentment for my entire life, it’s just the type of person I am – I know it will bother me that I missed something that is so important to them.

I hope someday I can reach your level of emotional maturity. Also, thanks for sharing your rationale, it helps give me a framework to work through my own issues.

RR

For the part in bold, I think it’s a matter of the training at home when they are at the right age. Now, as a caveat, I think it’s better if you can willingly, and without reservation, get the TR and be there with them. It simplifies matters dramatically.

But for me, there is no way I feel I can pay tithing for the rest of my life or even for a year, as my daughter wanted. My experiences make it something I would do begrudgingly and it would bother me. The church has NOT, AND i repeat, HAS NOT, been there for me on non-financial needs at the heart of its mission in the past. To then have to pay many thousands in tithing for the priviledge of seeing my own daughter married in a standard, rote prayer format was not something that excited me. It seemed unjust. So, for me, the best alternative was to train my daughter that family love transcends church policy and outward ceremony. What matters is that we stay unified and loving in spite of any challenges that come our way.

It would be much simpler, though, if I was just in the temple, and I encourage people to do it if they feel they can.

But I will say this — you can still explain how incredibly proud you are of your children when they make the decision to go to the temple — even if you aren’t there for it. I am proud of my daughter for making that decision. it is right for her, and she had to keep standards of worthiness to be there that I consider important at her age. She also stuck to the moral values we taught her when I was TBM, expanded on that testimony, and is happy in her decision. It is an achievement and something to celebrate.

I think being happy for others who make TBM decisions is also part of being happy in the church — even if you don’t buy-in to everything. It brings peace, not angst.

I also intend to write a piece for her on my feelings that day so she remembers a) I sat outside the temple because of our mutual decision for me not to be there and b) all the good feelings associated her her making the decision she made and c) feelings surrounding the reception and the entire experience.

[Anonymous]

Old Timer wrote:

Thanks for sharing this, friend. It makes my heart happy.

I am glad you are happy. Posting here helped me figure it all out, plus a few private messages. Drew my own conclusions.

I am also feeling I am a very suitable father to both my children. I was able to support my daughter in the TBM path, while simultaneously learning to deal with a son who has no interest in the church. I guess I understand his perspective too, and can support him in wherever his path takes him. There is no disappointment either way — not in my daughter, and not in my son. I see it as a blessing of having a broad perspective. So, even commitment crisis can bring blessings and peace.

[Anonymous]

I’m proud of you, SD. For me, the decision not to get my temple recommend at this time was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made. But even though I’m going to miss out on my sister’s wedding, it’s been liberating. I feel free to live according to the dictates of my own consience. There’s nothing left to hold me back.

[Anonymous]

dande48 wrote:

I’m proud of you, SD. For me, the decision not to get my temple recommend at this time was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made. But even though I’m going to miss out on my sister’s wedding, it’s been liberating. I feel free to live according to the dictates of my own consience. There’s nothing left to hold me back.

That’s it right there. There is this incredible sense of autonomy about it. Of reclaiming the self. Of transcending the financial and family control that church policy exerts on its members — interfering with long term family relationships. For me, the success in it is that my daughter still loves me, and everyone in my family accepted it. That I was able to work in my circle of influence — the ability to train my children and develop a family culture that neutralized those effects — a culture in which our familial loyalties transcend church policy.

Some of the in-laws raised eyebrows about it, but that was made easier by the fact that a) they didn’t know me well enough to ask me about it and b) they were rather indifferent to us anyway and c) they are a 5 hour plane ride away. So who cares as long as my family was at peace with it?

Some of you know that my family (parents, bro and sis) were unable to go through the temple when i got married since they are non-members. Seemed so incredibly unfair that the church put the one year waiting period in place. It has a short run purpose of encouraging couples to marry in the temple rather than including non-mems in the experience through a civil wedding. It is yet another control mechanism to encourage all family members to get TR’s.

Well, in this case, it didn’t work, did it?

The fact that I didn’t go through I think had some symbolism to it for my family who I excluded over 25 years ago. There is a second reception in my home town in three months. They are coming to that. I intend to ask them if my sacrifice meant anything to them. I hope the answer is yes. If not, I still have the blessings Dande described in bold/underline in the quote above.

I’ve seen this before — you have this set of awful consequences conjured up in your mind about not being in the sealing room. But when you make your decision, and decide not to go be there, you find there are no consequences at all. You still have your life, your health, your wealth, your family relationships, your peace. Family still hugs you, collaborates with you, loves you. And you are still part of the whole picture taking, driving to the temple, reception, seeing the happy couple, festivities etcetera.

This situation reminded of a story by Norman Vincent Peale that seems to apply. I have thought it several times now so I’ll share it.

Norman Vincent Peale said that problems are like old, dead thistles. IF you gingerly squeeze the thistle, and dance around it, the thistle hurts your hand. If you grasp it firmly, and squeeze, it crumbles in your hand without pain.

That was my experience at the temple — I grasped the problem firmly, applied pressure by training in the home, and it melted in my hand without pain. It was an artificial constraint on my life with perceived, fearsome consequences that didn’t exist when I faced it head on. Perhaps a bit like the characters in Harry Potter that represent the charcter’s gravest fears, but which disappear as soon as the characters confronted them head-on, without fear.

You start to realize that church policy only has claim on you if you let it.

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

You start to realize that church policy only has claim on you if you let it.

I fully agree with that and I have reached that place. The only thing still there is knowing that me being more honest about where I am is going to cause pain with family members.

If one of my kids brings home a fiance or fiance-to-be and they find out I don’t believe in the church, is it going to affect the relationship now and even once they marry?

Is it going to affect the good relationship I have with one of my kids in-laws?

But in the end I feel I need to, “Do what is right and let the consequence follow.”

[Author]

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