My Temple Wedding Adventure

[Anonymous]

Old Timer wrote:

Thanks for sharing this, friend. It makes my heart happy.

:thumbup: What he said :thumbup:

[Anonymous]

Quote:

If one of my kids brings home a fiance or fiance-to-be and they find out I don’t believe in the church, is it going to affect the relationship now and even once they marry?

My impression, based on my own circumstances, is no. In this case, they were so head over heels with each other that even if I was a convicted axe murderer it wouldn’t have deterred them. In my limited experience, they tended to view their life together first and foremost, as well as the activity level of their intended spouse — not the in-laws. I think the law of chastity, and the allure of a physical relationship also tends to mute their judgmentalism.

I think that as long as you aren’t antagonistic and annoying about your unbelief, you should be fine. But I wouldn’t go spouting off any anti-Mormon, non-believing statements — focus on what you have in common. I was afraid my unorthodoxy would be an issue, but it wasn’t an issue to the groom, or his family at all as far as I can tell. Even if it is an issue, the bulk of their lives are with each other now, particularly if they live in a different state.

Also, I would never say “I don’t believe anymore”. There has to be something you believe. I believe in God, for example. I believe in the feelings of the Spirit and the existence of some kind of Holy Ghost figure. I have faith that Christ existed. I believe that reading the book of Mormon can make your life better, even if you don’t consider it a historical record.

Just be supportive of their Mormonism. I personally and very proud my daughter chose the temple and the TBM path, and have expressed that. Just because it’s not working for me at this moment, doesn’t mean it can’t be a source of joy and comfort for others. And living a life of service to others, honesty, fidelity in marriage, with a focus on family isn’t all that bad is it? I am proud she chose that path!!

Also, it helped that her intended saw me active at church, serving in a calling, supportive of the temple, swapping mission stories, etcetera. I am a Mormon — an active Mormon, with a calling — all that I DO execute in the church still matters. Emphasize that part of your life with them.

I consider myself somewhat of a mystery to their family, to the groom, etcetera. They see me all supportive — at events, at the temple, engaging in discussions comfortably about life in the church, but only realized I don’t hold a TR when I wasn’t in the temple. Why? Well, guess what, I’m not tellin’….and if they ask me, I’ll have a well-crafted answer.

Even my daughter doesn’t know the full story.

Also, I found that coaching my daughter had a lot of good with it. The in-laws didn’t now about my unorthodoxy it seemed — they were all surprised I wasn’t in the sealing room. So, containing your unorthodoxy can also help. And developing your own philosophy of how the church should influence family relationships, and making it part of your family culture can do a lot to prevent problems, in my view.

Quote:

Is it going to affect the good relationship I have with one of my kids in-laws?

I went into the marriage thinking we would have this massive bonding experience with the in-laws since our families were going to be joined at the hip. When I got there, I realized the in-laws saw us as a distant accessory to the marriage. They had little interest in our business or our activity.

They had been through it with another son and daughter-in-law, so I guess they realized that in-laws have little to do with each other after the marriage. For example, after reflection, I realized that my parents met my wife’s parents at the wedding reception and that was it. They haven’t seen each other since, and they lived only about 20 minutes away from each other. I was married 25 years ago.

Quote:

But in the end I feel I need to, “Do what is right and let the consequence follow.”

I would modify that to read “Do what is right WITHOUT GRANDSTANDING it, and let the consequence follow. But do all you can to mitigate any negative consequences through training your children”.

[Anonymous]

I just went through a similar version of this with my niece. My brother has battled an extreme mental illness since she was born and was unable to attend her sealing. I am her only biological uncle and it sort of fell on me to (I suppose) “stand in” for my brother at her sealing. I have been a conscious TR non-holder for over 5 years now, and I felt the pressure or expectation from many sides of the family to do this for her, knowing full well I would have to lose my integrity to answer the questions for the TR. I didn’t have to think hard not to do this as even though I struggle with church testimony, my happiness these days is derived from maintaining personal integrity and being true to myself in terms of what I do and don’t believe. I respect that others do believe and have had real personal confirmation of things, and for them the temple and other church experiences add to their feelings of love and peace and the presence of the Lord. For me the experience is something else, but I had to explain to my niece, her mother, and other members of the family that I had chosen to be with many members of our family that likewise for various reasons choose not to be (or are not members) active in the church or TR holders. Very hard to do and without going into any specific reason why I felt the way I did I simply expressed to her my love and support for her and her husband and the new family unit they have created. Nothing but love. I don’t know how they feel about me since (again) this is one of those testimony tests (of many) we are put through in the church.

I congratulate you on maintaining your integrity and respecting others’ wishes in the process. May they do the same for you ongoing and as your life journey continues.

[Author]

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