My Ward

[Anonymous]

I have tried to be patient with my ward. I am at the point I just want to move. It isn’t possible . The ward members fight over just about everything. I have never been in a ward like this. My husband finally got a home teaching beat. His partner has set appointments and won’t work with my husbands schedule. My husband can’t help that is work schedule is weird. He ask for a new partner and was told no. You tell you partner to go when you can go. The partner is still going without my husband.

My visit teacher got mad because I wasn’t home when she called to make an appointment. She came when I wasn’t home.

If I would have known she was coming I would have tried to be home. The next month she didn’t even call or knock on the door. just left the message. Then she told the RS president I wouldn’t let her come. Now i have no visiting teachers.

My husband is going inactive and I am too. We need some friends in the ward and a calling. The Bishop calls us in. Ask us if we want a calling. Then never follows through.

Is this how all wards are in Utah? I am at the point I don’t know if I want to continue trying to go to church. It is too stressful. I know you are just to suppose to pretend everything is wonderful at church but I don’t think I can do it any more.

Donna

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Is this how all wards are in Utah?

No – however, in some wards there can be a supply and demand aspect (lots of available members, so not as much need to be nice to everyone) as well as long-time-member-family apathy.

Quote:

I know you are just to suppose to pretend everything is wonderful at church but I don’t think I can do it any more.

That’s not supposed to be, but it is the default in far too many cases. It’s a survival mode, and I understand it even as I mourn its existence.

You have options other than being inactive, but you have to want them. Primarily, you can attend another ward and just not have callings. People might complain about it, but it’s your choice, not theirs.

[Anonymous]

You could be in a ward where you have multiple callings and a home teaching route with 15 families. The one thing about the church is if you don’t like a calling and the person in the calling then just wait a while and it will change.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Is this how all wards are in Utah?

I found wards in Utah to differ pretty greatly. My BIL who is a convert and had never been in Utah before came to stay with us when we were living there. After church one day he asked how we dealt with all the complacency of the ward. I looked at my husband and he at me. I suspect we were both thinking something along the lines of “With complacency.”

[Anonymous]

Donna wrote:

I have never been in a ward like this.

Hi, Donna – Wow, sorry about what’s going on right now. Maybe it helps to remember that this ward is out of the ordinary in your own experience? Hope things improve….

[Anonymous]

I think the Saturday Night live skit applies to happiness in the church. Its theme was “low expectations”. If you have low expectations, then all of a sudden your job looks good, your boyfriend looks good, your car looks good….

But seriously, I think that is part of it. Half of my own misery has been from expecting people to be more than they are willing to be. The wild claims people make about inspired leadership, God walking the halls of the temple, miracles etcetera, and the veneer promises people make to sacrifice everything for the church and revere their leaders…they don’t help when these things are not exemplified. Given the huge gap between the stated claims, and actual performance of people, I don’t expect much for myself in the church anymore. Half the people are mismatched in their callings when you consider skills and native desire anyway due to the system of appointments (callings) that we have.

We ended up in a Ward where people in other wards say “testimonies go to die”. We served in high profile callings for six years and then have been attending another Ward due to the shenanigans.

My advice is to minimize the importance of the church in your life. Still go, but realize the world is a wide-open place full of a lot of people and needs. Fill your spiritual life with service to others outside of the church. Keep God and Christ important, and keep your personal character and spirituality high. Devote yourself to noble causes and rely on God to help you. REalize your family can thrive even if the amount of time you devote to church calling and involvement isn’t stellar.

[Anonymous]

Donna wrote:

My husband finally got a home teaching beat. His partner has set appointments and won’t work with my husbands schedule. My husband can’t help that is work schedule is weird. He ask for a new partner and was told no. You tell you partner to go when you can go. The partner is still going without my husband.

This happened to someone close to me regarding visiting teaching. I recommended she set up her own appointments, send cards, and do everything she could do on her own to establish friendship with those on her route. This is actually more in line with the latest from the general RS presidency. It’s all about the friendshipping and not as much about going as partners.

Donna wrote:

My visit teacher got mad because I wasn’t home when she called to make an appointment. She came when I wasn’t home.

If I would have known she was coming I would have tried to be home. The next month she didn’t even call or knock on the door. just left the message. Then she told the RS president I wouldn’t let her come. Now i have no visiting teachers

Have an honest chat with your RS president about what has really happened here and how disheartened you are. Don’t feel guilty about not being there when she came unannounced. Someone pulled a similar stunt on someone else close to me once. She was working crazy hours and many of those at night and the VT was told one time the visit wouldn’t be convenient. Then she projected that my close person was never available. What made it worse was that this person was in the RS presidency.

Bottom line…..both of you get very proactive.

Is there someone else who might be struggling in this ward too? If you can identify someone, invite them over for FHE, out for dinner, etc. Don’t be disheartened….be determined. Your ward needs you….I know because you have discovered a weak spot early on.

In one ward I was once in, there was a group of people who started calling themselves the invisible people due to the group who were the popular ones (need I share that many in this group were in the more visible, high profile callings). They were encouraged to stop thinking of themselves that way and to unite in fellowshipping each other. It was a wonderful thing to see. To me that is a little of Zion. To identify a weak area and go to with your might to correct it.

[Anonymous]

Donna wrote:

I have tried to be patient with my ward. I am at the point I just want to move. It isn’t possible . The ward members fight over just about everything. I have never been in a ward like this. My husband finally got a home teaching beat. His partner has set appointments and won’t work with my husbands schedule. My husband can’t help that is work schedule is weird. He ask for a new partner and was told no. You tell you partner to go when you can go. The partner is still going without my husband.

My suggestion is to let it go and not worry about home teaching. He can go if it fits his schedule, otherwise don’t worry about it. I talked to my partner twice, explained that I would go on Sundays only and that I would “teach” the lesson. I volunteer to teach so that the lesson is short (or non-existent) and we can actually get to know the families. So far I haven’t gone home teaching and I couldn’t care less.

Donna wrote:

My visit teacher got mad because I wasn’t home when she called to make an appointment. She came when I wasn’t home.

If I would have known she was coming I would have tried to be home. The next month she didn’t even call or knock on the door. just left the message. Then she told the RS president I wouldn’t let her come. Now i have no visiting teachers.

These types of people exist everywhere. You just find “more” of them in Utah because of the density of members. I wouldn’t worry about it not answering the phone. My wife hardly answers the phone (I have to call 3 times in a row just to get her to pick up). Her visiting teachers have to leave messages and quite often they quit visiting her because they “can’t” make an appointment. She doesn’t care if she sees her visiting teachers. On the other side, she is very diligent in making her visiting teaching appointments. Instead of calling, she will talk to them at church and make the appointments. Again though, she lets stupid crap slide on by her.

Donna wrote:

My husband is going inactive and I am too. We need some friends in the ward and a calling. The Bishop calls us in. Ask us if we want a calling. Then never follows through.

Is this how all wards are in Utah? I am at the point I don’t know if I want to continue trying to go to church. It is too stressful. I know you are just to suppose to pretend everything is wonderful at church but I don’t think I can do it any more.

I wouldn’t expect to much. Wards are finicky in how they function and are completely different from one to the next. Instead of “finding friends at church”, we find friends elsewhere. When we lived in Utah my wife found friends at Mountain Valley Church (some non denominational church). They were great friends and had really good parties. We didn’t attend their church, but we did hang out with them at their parties. My recommendation is to join some club or organization to make friends. You probably will be much happier with your choices.

There is my 2cents worth.

[Anonymous]

Donna wrote:

My husband is going inactive and I am too. We need some friends in the ward and a calling. The Bishop calls us in. Ask us if we want a calling. Then never follows through.

Is this how all wards are in Utah? I am at the point I don’t know if I want to continue trying to go to church. It is too stressful. I know you are just to suppose to pretend everything is wonderful at church but I don’t think I can do it any more.

Jazernorth wrote:

I wouldn’t expect to much. Wards are finicky in how they function and are completely different from one to the next. Instead of “finding friends at church”, we find friends elsewhere. When we lived in Utah my wife found friends at Mountain Valley Church (some non denominational church). They were great friends and had really good parties. We didn’t attend their church, but we did hang out with them at their parties. My recommendation is to join some club or organization to make friends. You probably will be much happier with your choices.

There is my 2cents worth.

I second the emotion….After years of being bored stiff at Ward socials (even when I tried to go out of my way to be there for others), I found a circle of friends in other areas, not related to church. Try getting involved with http://www.meetup.com which has all kinds of groups of people that share common interests, from cycling, to being a Mom, to business, to camping, art, theatre, you name it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all your replies. I am still trying to figure out what to do. I need religion in my life. I am at the point something need changes in my ward or I am done. I had to laugh at low expectations.I have low expectations of my ward. But I need somewhere to serve. I think it would be great to go to another ward but where do you pay your tithing and how do you get your recommend. I may just to tell the Bishop how I feel. We need to serve . If the ward doesn’t want us I am sure we can volunteer some where. It is sad that people that want to serve in their ward aren’t given the opportunity. In our ward when your released you don’t get another calling soon sometimes it years.Its not that the ward have more people than callings. It that some people have 3 or 4 callings.

Hoping to move out of Utah before I die. LOL

[Anonymous]

Donna wrote:

where do you pay your tithing

This one is easy. The church as this electronic payment method that you fill out a form, then send payments from your bank to the church. It is great to keep prying eyes from how much you donate.

Funny Story: my last tithing settlement was hilarious. When we went in to the Bishop he asked if we were full tithe payers, I said “yes”. He squinted, squirmed, hemmed, hawwed, then stopped. He didn’t say anything, just looked at the paper in front of him. I knew exactly what was on the paper. It had a big ole 0 (ZERO) for donations. I started to chuckle and then he got really confused. I had to tell him, I couldn’t make it more uncomfortable. Finally I told him all my money goes straight to the church head quarters. He had no idea that could be done. So, I had to explain the process. He proceeded to tell his clerk, then the clerk said “yeah, lots of people do that”.

Sorry – side funny note there.

Donna wrote:

and how do you get your recommend.

There is NO requirement you have to serve to get a temple recommend.

Donna wrote:

If the ward doesn’t want us I am sure we can volunteer some where.

I volunteer for scouts (outside of the church), community clubs, and my wife is involved with MOPS (not LDS related) and PTA.

My additional 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for making me laugh.

I know I don’t have to serve to have a temple recommend. I am thinking of going to another ward and I am wondering if I do how to get my TC and pay tithing if I stop attending my home ward. Where do you volunteer to do scouts at?

[Anonymous]

What is MOPs?

[Anonymous]

I think the TR interview if you attend where your records are not could be a real problem. As to tithing, just pay directly to the COB. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Donna wrote:

Thanks for making me laugh.

I know I don’t have to serve to have a temple recommend. I am thinking of going to another ward and I am wondering if I do how to get my TC and pay tithing if I stop attending my home ward. Where do you volunteer to do scouts at?

You’re welcome! Pay tithing through the headquarters, it is easy and you will always get a receipt and final tax form to your house. No interaction with the bishopric all year, unless you do tithing settlement.

You can attend any ward you want and still be considered “active”. There is no requirement that is must be your home ward. If someone asks, just say that you want to go to this ward. Utah is finicky about that, but if you can just stand up to them by saying “I go here or I don’t go at all”, they will back off. My dad had to step in when someone from my home area was attending our ward instead of their “assigned” ward. He had to remind the bishop from both wards that there isn’t a requirement on the temple recommend interview that you ‘must’ attend your assigned ward.

Scouts is easy to volunteer. Though in Utah is can be a bit more complicated because of the Mormon involvement. Decide which age you like, cubs or boy scouts. From there you can contact the scout office and ask what they need for help. They always need help. You can also find another pack or troop that is sponsored by another church and help them. I have found that Troops outside of the church have a lot more activities than the troops in the church, so they need a lot more adult volunteers. You can also become a trainer. This takes more time as you have to gain experience as a leader. The trainers will go from district to district and teach leaders about scouting. Lots of fun to be had with Scouts.

MOPS is Mothers of Preschoolers http://www.mops.org/

There are a few groups in Utah, you just have to find them at the non-mormon churches. Usually non-denominational churches host them. If you have a child younger than kindergarten, then you may find MOPS to be really fun. I love having my wife go to it.

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