Narcissists and How To Protect Yourself

[Anonymous]

This is a review of a book called “Escape: How to Beat the Narcissist”.

http://www.amazon.com/Escape-Beat-Narcissist-H-Tudor-ebook/dp/B016P8VXQA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1452867738&sr=8-1&keywords=Escape+Narcissism” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.amazon.com/Escape-Beat-Narcissist-H-Tudor-ebook/dp/B016P8VXQA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1452867738&sr=8-1&keywords=Escape+Narcissism

I have been a source of narcissistic fuel/supply by two narcissists in my life. One, a co-worker who was proactive in becoming a mentor for me as a new teacher of Finance, and the other, a member of a band in which I performed. These were intense, non-romantic, “business” relationships, both with men, one of whom was a member of the church.I saw a couple other narcissists on the show “wife swap” a long time ago as well, and understood the feelings they invoked in their victims.

When I have been in these situations with narcissists, I have never been successful in turning the relationship into something successful or satisfying, or making the relationship a productive one. They seem impossible to deal with on reasonable terms, and they always seem to invalidate your own feelings or concerns as flaws in your character. Occasionally, they show a brief comeback to reasonability, and then revert back to old behavior — insulting, putting down, etcetera. They seem to align people you care about, or have influence over you, against you. It seems that your world falls apart on so many fronts when they are involved, and their reasoning/perspective seems incomprehensible. And they make it seem like it’s all your fault, preying on your perception of your own deficiencies.

The only solution for me has been to sever the relationships and consider the situations the non-successes in my life. The narcissists don’t seem open to reason or to care about establishing a harmonious relationship.

I am no longer in such relationships, but the sting of these relationships remain with me today. I left both situations sad that I felt unprepared to recognize the onslaught of such relationships in the future, or handle such situations if they ever happen again.

Well, this book I’m reviewing has changed all that.

The book “Escape: How to Beat the Narcissist” is one of THE best book about how to cope with a narcissist. All the other books I read indicated broadly that you simply need to “minimize their impact on you” and indicate they are insecure people who were either praised unduly in childhood, or treated harshly as children, or a combination of both. That such upbringing leads them to want supplies from others in sick ways. Most books simply say “you can’t beat a narcissist”, not to try to understand their behavior or thinking, and tell you to move on.

But the book “Escape: How to Beat the Narcissist” DOES show you how to cope with a relationship with a narcissistic person that you can’t get out of — such as when they have cancer and you are a spouse or relative, and you can’t socially leave them, or when there are children, dire financial situations etcetera. For those of us that have had non-permanent relationships with narcissists, Tudor gives advice to get out of the relationship, but also indicates you can cope with the narcissistic person if you can put up with them for the sake of the benefit (such as wanting to play in the band).

Essentially, you learn that narcissists feed on negative emotions from others, often generated by controlling people, invoking fear, guilt, anger, or frustration, (which they enjoy watching), hurting people, disrespecting boundaries, taking their money or possessions, and even destroying aspects of their lives. They are like the dark side of the force (Star Wars) that feeds off negativity.

The book is written by a self-confessed narcissist who shares his thought patterns, his techniques, and how to escape from the abuse of a narcissist. He claims he writes the book because there are a TON of victims out there, and not many people will read the book comparatively — there will always be victims who can provide him with narcissistic fuel even though he shares his mind and techniques.

I seriously question whether the author, HG Tudor, is penning the book under his own name, his confessions and revelations about the mind of a narcissist are so evil. Anyone who knows him casually would probably be surprised.

He describes the phases of the relationship with a narcissist person– The seduction phase, The devaluation phase, and The discard phase. Then he describes how to spot the narcissistic so you don’t get drawn into their trap during the seduction phase. You may end up averting being a target if you don’t confirm that you are in fact a good target. He describes their manipulation tactics, and how to respond to them if you DO become a target. Most involve cutting off the narcissists supply or the resources he or she needs to hoover your self-esteem and worth from you. But he is specific about it. His advice is actionable.

I found some repetition, so I will hit highlights.

1. Never get angry or show emotion or show anything negative that might feed the Narcissist — this is what s/he wants. If you cut off that supply, the narcissist may move on themself (often after a major ASSAULT in other ways, like a tantrum), or at least, not get what they want. You may avoid being a target even. Who is going to drink at a well that is dry?

2. Don’t believe the Narcissist’s perceptions of you. Even s/he doesn’t necessarily believe the negative image they reflect on you — they only point it out to hurt you and control you, and thus, get narcissistic supply when it shatters you, makes you cry, etcetera.

3. For various techniques (the silent treatment, leaving and not telling you where they are), show concern ONCE about where they are, and then stop calling or texting. This discharges your responsibility for caring, while cutting off the supply of emotion the narcissist is trying to drain from you. They will return home more quickly (for someone in an romantic relationship with a narcissist).

4. Recognize some of their seduction techniques such as Love Bombing and Reflection. If someone goes from 0 to 100 miles per hour in a matter of seconds, it’s normally a sign they are love bombing you to win you over. Reflection is part of love bombing — it involves finding out what you like (through social media, conversation, etcetera) and then pretending they like the same things — to build trust and “love” (if romantic) and relationship they can then use to suck the life out of you later.

5. Never share things that bother you about yourself with a narcissist. This is something they will use to shatter your or manipulate you in the future.

6. Build strong social networks outside the relationship with the narcissist, and recognize when they have recruited “Lieutenants” who will reflect the lies the narcissist has told them, or the frame-up situations to make you look like the deficient one. Be prepared to leave old social networks they have poisoned and create new ones. Retain old hobbies and things you love, as the narcissist will try to destroy those too.

He addresses isolation tactics, and even describes techniques he has used to stalk his girlfriends with bugs in the home, software installed on cell phones that sends texts to him, GPS locators put under your car, etcetera (normally in romantic relationships) and how to deal with them.

I was astounded how incredibly EVIL the mind of a narcissist is. I saw how the motives and tactics the narcissist uses are similar to tactics that serial killers (likely, the ultimate narcissists) use — win over victims, isolate then, devalue them, and then discard them.

I was also able to realize why I have been a target for the two narcissists in my life. People who are sensitive to others, or empathic (as Tudor puts it) are particularly susceptible to manipulation tactics. Guilt works REALLY well on them. I have also discovered certain personal characteristics I have (through implication while reading the book), that have made me a target for these two narcissists. I won’t share them in case there are any narcisisists reading this review 😆 !! But you can bet, I won’t make those mistakes again…

Tudor has several books about narcissism — what not to say to narcissists, manipulation tactics of narcissists, this book on beating narcissists, three books on confessions of a narcissist, and one aptly named title called “Evil”.

I want to say that I now understand the mind of a narcissist. I know there is a continuum of narcissism, and he appears to fall short of stalking and killing people obviously, but lays bare his self-serving perspective on life, his thought processes, and the sick pleasure the narcissist gains from relationships he establishes with his victims. He even cites things he did in relationships with two girlfriends that illustrate the tactics of a narcissist. I saw clear parallels with his own thinking, and the thinking of the two narcissists who made me their victims, and for a while, successfully received narcissistic supply until I severed the relationship.

I may share an example of narcissistic behavior from a narcissist at some point, who knows. Here is a review of one of his books by a self-confessed narcissist from his other book on Confessions. I share it so you can see that there ARE people who are nakedly uncaring about what they extract from other people, and willfully embrace evil to hurt others:

Quote:

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

Further Confessions of a Narcissist

5.0 out of 5 stars

Interesting

By D. Lindstrom on January 6, 2016

Verified Purchase

I know you. You are my first husband, my second husband, me, and my son. We may not portray all of your attributes (well, except maybe my first husband, but the rest is very familiar).

I cannot count the number of times my son and I have threatened taking out restraining orders on each other. It is almost laughable. At a bad time, I wiped out about $55,000 my second husband had stashed away (he never should have shared his account password with me), but hey, I would always ask him if I could get this or that thing, and I always knew if it wasn’t something he wanted also, then the answer was NO; I could not get it. Too bad about that account password he shared with me.

Still, each of us is slightly different in our narcissistic ways…unlike you. You run the full gamut.

Oh, better job on proofreading this third expose of yours. Not nearly the number of typos and syntax errors I noted in your first two confession books.

Enjoyed the read!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the review. Maybe it will help people in America deal with their next president. :lolno:

This opinion isn’t going to be very popular but I wonder if people with mental illness are truly evil or if they are only evil from the vantage point of most people. Do they do the things they do because they want to hurt people (sadist) or is it something that’s a part of their nature that they have no control over. Like telling someone with NPD, “just be nice!” would be the rough equivalent to telling someone with severe cerebral palsy, “just walk normal!” Mental illnesses are much more invisible and we have a much harder time of viewing it as we view other illnesses.

That’s no excuse to subject yourself to the abuse though. Abuse is abuse. Boundaries are the key. Establishing and enforcing boundaries is difficult for the best of us, it’s especially hard in cases where one person has a mental illness.

[Anonymous]

SD – Thank you for the write up. I’ve been meaning to look into this because my psychology major sister has looked at my mom and decided she’s a narcissist. Twenty years ago I think she would have just complained about her parenting shortcomings, but not have a “diagnosis” for it. I guess I’m assuming that when a label becomes better understood and described it can also become sloppily applied. I’m especially interested in reading about narcissists’ childhoods and seeing what fits.

[Anonymous]

Ann — the book doesn’t really go into the childhood causes of narcissism — the author says other books are for that — he is not a psychologist, but a self-diagnosed narcissist and shares why he thinks the way he does, what his motives are, etcetera. He mentions the childhood stuff in passing.

So, if you are looking to put a label on someone’ s behavior (considering them to have narcissistic tendencies), you have to sort of read between the lines and see whether how the author says he responds to situations fits your mother’s behavior. And of course, it’s not a clear diagnosis as none of us are professionals, but I know you know that. Narcissism seems to be a continuum, so people you know may exhibit a lot but not all of the author’s tendencies.

But having a label and understanding how to react to the person is helpful, even if it’s not a clinical diagnoses, I have found. One of the narcs in my life indicated he is narcissistic in one of our meetings, which I found odd. But it helped me see that the narc’s behavior n this book was the same as the behavior of this person I knew — which gave credibility to the book.

The thing that helped me from this book was understanding that the narcissist sees people as tools to making him feel good. Like a drug — and they consider them useful only to the extent the narc can feed their hunger for hurting others. I believe the root is poor self-esteem — they have found unhealthy ways of feeding their spirit, and love it. I have read stories about pedophiles, and one thing they like is the pleading and begging of their victim’s screaming for their parents, their pleading for the abuse to stop, and the control they exert over the person. It is ABSOLUTELY sick, I know, but many of these people keep recordings of the people they are hurting so they can replay it.

Now, this isn’t about serial killers and pedophiles, but when you read the narc’s self-description of his motives, his techniques, and his calculating methods of ensnaring people in relationships meant to extract their joy, etcetera, I saw so much in common with the criminals who ensare people, abuse them, and discard them.

My story…

Quote:

The one narc I worked with knew that I had a weight problem as I mentioned it once (and it was obvious). Everyone in our group commented on what an idiot he was (their words), always taking pot shots at my about my weight. On Facebook, the day after the meeting in which I admitted I had a weight problem, he posted on facebook about how he wasn’t eating enough, and couldn’t stay at a healthy weight, and then took pictures of all the food he was cooking and eating and just couldn’t get enough food to maintain a healthy body weight. To all of us, he looked fine, maybe even a bit on the heavy side. I couldn’t help but feel it was his way of trying to take another pot shot. One of the other members of the team mentioned it, and said not to worry — they thought he was threatened by me due to what I do for a living an other traits I have, ..whether true or not, the post was odd to myself and others in my circle.

When we talked about how we would dress (in black), he comments “Black is good, it will be slimming for SD”. When I lost 80 pounds a few months later (my own decision, nothing to do with him), he comments “great, all you have to do is shave your head” (my hair was thin). He also mentioned that now that I got the weight off, I would need surgery to get rid of the ugly stretched skin he assumed I had. I eventually died my hair for a video shoot, and looked actually pretty good — 20 years younger. He then started making jokes and comments about how old I was, since I was at least 10 years older than anyone in our group. This went on, and on, and on over a period of months. Once I asked him to knock if off with the appearance comments. He didn’t say anything, but then seemed to do it even more after that. Members of our team would say “don’t worry about XYZ, he’s a jerk, but he has this specific skill…so we need him…”.

It then expanded into my wardrobe and other ways I looked. I was the business motor of our group, and called him once to discuss a paid opportunity. He picked up and we talked for a short while. He used the time to comment on how he earned $50 an hour and the opportunity was small potatoes, even though everyone else wanted it. He eventually did the job, but made it clear it shouldn’t inconvenience him any way. His contribution had to be minimal if he was going to contribute at all. After that, he blocked my phone number. After that one phone call, the only way I could get in contact with him was through another member of the group. When I mentioned his blocked phone he came out with something like “my phone has been funky lately” and changed the subject, even though other people in the group could reach him by phone whenever they wanted.

Anyway, I eventually quit the situation, and shortly thereafter, won an award for volunteer service by our city in an unrelated situation. He attended the Awards ceremony since he was a city employee, but had nothing to do with the sub-organization that awarded it — and totally IGNORED ME in my hour of recognition. It was blatant — like going into major proximity of me, so it was clear he saw me, and then not acknowledging I was there, or anything. Not responding when I said “Hello” within two feet of him with eye contact, and turning on his heel.

To my knowledge, I did nothing to deserve any of that. I was a strong contributor to our group…but not the leader, just a hard working person. I understand why he behaved this way. He must have known that such constant insulting bothered me, and continued doing it until finally I got out of the situation for the sake of my own inner peace. He enjoyed the hurt and discomfort it caused me. When he confessed he had narc tendencies later in the relationship, I understand he was incapable of resisting the source of narc supply he was getting from me.

Anyway — this book helps me understand that he saw me as a source of narcissistic supply when he learned my weight problem bothered me. As an above average-looking person himself, I think he saw the insults and pot shots as a source of satisfaction because he knew they bothered me and he was handsome.

He lost his supply when I quit the situation, but then kept up the behavior by not acknowledging my presence at the Awards ceremony afterwards, thinking there was more supply to be had.

This book described so much of his behavior (not all described here), I think it’s a great book…I understand that his intent was cruel and yes, evil.

There was a “seduction” period (non-sexual) when he weaseled his way into our team, but I won’t comment on that for now. Other than to say, he made promises of business contacts, and then never delivered…

[Author]

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