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Bummer for me. I got a nasty letter from my mother yesterday basically calling me to repentance for my views on the temple and priesthood (I’m not sure what she’s on about with the priesthood thing as I don’t generally blog about that and/or give a fig about it). She’s 88 years old (I’m 47), so there’s a big generation gap. We aren’t close, unfortunately, but we’ve lived on opposite sides of the country for about 30 years, and she never calls me. We’re not estranged, she’s just not one of those moms who stays in touch. We generally talk a couple times a year at most, and I see her once every 2-3 years in person. She’s essentially under the influence of my most orthodox, gossipy sister who lives a mile from her and is over there every day. This same sister considers herself uber-righteous because she has never worked outside the home, and in fact she told me she resented our financial success when we are less righteous than they are. Which is ironic because when her husband was out of work, I took him in and gave him a place to live for 3 months. They didn’t seem to mind sponging off my ill-gotten gains when it suited them. The whole thing is basically really depressing.
I wrote an email back to my parents, although they aren’t very communicative, so I probably won’t hear anything, but here’s my email:
Quote:Mom & Dad,
I got mom’s letter. I was surprised for two reasons: 1) because I just talked to mom and she said nothing about it, and 2) because I’m surprised at just how wide the gap is between generations. Maybe all people feel this way at times.
I haven’t read the whole letter because I don’t want to get wrapped up in a drama. Linda and Dave (and Sue I’m sure) have their own views on things, and that’s certainly their right. They are much older than I am, and I realize they are much closer to you both than I am.
Sandy and I are dealing with the same types of issues as parents, trying to raise kids who are “millenials” (kids born in the late 90s thru now) who aren’t sexist, who aren’t homophobic, who aren’t politically conservative, and who have access to all sorts of information on the internet. So many people are in our same situation. We love the church. We participate. We hold callings. We give talks. But we also need to help our kids navigate these issues, and we ourselves have to do so. Being concerned about these issues makes me a parent, not anti anything! I don’t expect to be understood by everyone. They obviously have a very different view of things than I do.
Just because I don’t see things the same way doesn’t mean that I don’t love the gospel, even if I do wish some cultural things were better. I suppose if they were better for people of my generation, they would be worse for people of yours, and it still might not be enough change for people of the rising generation. I suppose that’s how the world is set up to work, which is why Jesus said he came not to bring peace but a sword, to pit mother-in-law against daughter-in-law, etc. etc. The gospel is interpreted by each successive generation which is why change happens, slowly, but it happens.
Unlike some (clearly a few of my siblings), I feel the church is stronger for diversity. We don’t all have to think alike, we just have to be trying our best to live the gospel together. The blogs demonstrate that, and over half my co-bloggers work for the church. I have devoted years to helping people who have concerns find ways to make the church work for them.
I don’t want to get into some back and forth. I appreciate your prayers. I pray for my own kids, too. I’m very concerned about Chad, as I’ve said. The issues that drove him away are real problems that can’t just be ignored, or if they are, we’ll continue to lose a lot of this generation.
Love,
Angie
Wow. Isn’t it a bummer you have to even defend yourself against crazy accusations? I think that is frustrating when it is for naught. But it seems in life we have to do that…and your response was very good to reassure your love for the gospel and the value of diversity in thought. Quote:she told me she resented our financial success when we are less righteous than they are.
Your parents should worry about the maturity of their other children. That’s ridiculous.
Sorry to hear it, Angela. Families sure make for grounds to practicing to live virtues.
Keep us posted on how it progresses.
Does your dad ever stand in and stick up for you?
My dad has defended me once or twice from other things, mainly when they have visited us and she wants to let her dog stay in the house which I don’t like, but this is the first time this sort of thing has ever come up. My dad is usually on the receiving end of her angry rants. She can be quite acerbic. I have defended him at times. Funny thing is she alluded to me “emasculating” my husband and boys, but she’s the one with the sharp tongue who treats my dad like he’s some sort of errant lap dog. But my dad is old school sexist and thinks I shouldn’t have a career, so there’s that. He also hated Star Trek: Voyager because who would ever believe that a woman was a captain of a ship. I pointed out that at the time I had 1500 employees in my group, roughly the same as a starship. My mom still thinks I shouldn’t have pierced ears which she sees as evidence of my waywardness because God didn’t put the holes there. (I said that’s the same justification I use as a nudist! p.s. I’m not really a nudist, just pointing out the silliness of the argument.) Basically, it sucks to get old and be scared. And my sister (and another sister and a brother) who are poisoning her against me, well, they are also huge GOPers who think FoxNews is the 5th part of the LDS canon, so there’s that.
hawkgrrrl wrote:My mom still thinks I shouldn’t have pierced ears which she sees as evidence of my waywardness because God didn’t put the holes there. (I said that’s the same justification I use as a nudist! p.s. I’m not really a nudist, just pointing out the silliness of the argument.)
:think: What’s she say about circumcision?
Sorry to hear that you got a nasty letter from your mom but I’ve got to say that your response back was phenomenal.
hawkgrrrl wrote:Basically, it sucks to get old and be scared. And my sister (and another sister and a brother) who are poisoning her against me, well, they are also huge GOPers who think FoxNews is the 5th part of the LDS canon, so there’s that.
I have no idea what it’s like because I don’t have siblings but I have friends that do. In many cases there’s one that tries to become the favorite by putting the others down. It’s sad.
*sigh* I’m sorry to hear that. Sometimes, “we” really are our own worst enemies.
Keep up the good work. Your sister will have to deal with the attitude she develops and the consequences of it.
Sister – Where ever you are, in my heart I am sitting with you. My heart aches for all of our families.
Today though it’s biggest ache goes out to you.
P.S. Beautiful reply. I know they may not see it, but I see a strong daughter of God in your words.
Quote:FoxNews is the 5th part of the LDS canon, so there’s that.
Amen.
That branch of my family arrives in my house in 2 weeks.
Thanks for the support, guys! I really do hate drama more than anything. I actually had a post in pipe about the fact that gossip means people care, but given this, I’m not convinced that’s what it means. It seems gossip is also manipulative and used to curry favor through information. I also simply don’t understand how people from my parents’ and siblings’ generation can think that if I pray for enlightenment, I’ll suddenly become sexist (or racist or homophobic). Yet, they absolutely do think that’s the more enlightened viewpoint. I suspect she thinks my oldest son who left the church is gay and that it’s all my fault because I work. Thing is, he’s not gay (he is a vegan hipster, so I can see their confusion), and I did everything I could think of to keep him in the church. He just doesn’t believe. I can’t force him, as I pointed out to her last time we spoke.
This hit me kind of hard. There’s no real relationship with these siblings and me, just because of distance and age difference, so that’s not any kind of real betrayal. But as Stephen Covey would say, we never opened an emotional bank account in the first place, so taking a withdrawal as they have just means I want nothing to do with them. Avoiding toxic relationships is a more healthy alternative.
Quote:Avoiding toxic relationships is a more healthy alternative.
Still sucks. Every human being hopes for better.
Sorry, Hawk. Most of the time I’m happy I don’t have relatives in the church. Wow. I’m really sorry. It’s crummy that your sister is riling up an aged parent. Do you think you’ll hear from her? I don’t think I will hear from my mom. I’m not even sure she will read my email because I had to send it to my dad’s account, and I haven’t emailed him in a long time. I will probably throw her letter away (although I haven’t yet) because it’s not going to help our relationship for me to have it or read it, but it’s most likely I simply won’t see her again in this lifetime. We’ll see. She’s old, but healthy. But she is surrounded by the siblings who are huge cultural warriors, who think I’m a terrible person, and one of whom is her openly acknowledged favorite (my brother, the only boy). She really does have some weird notions about gender that caused me to divest early on. If I cherry pick things she said & did, there are glimmers of hope, but both my parents made it clear my whole life that a boy was far more valuable than a girl. My brother doesn’t like the things I said about priesthood and sees that as me being a man-hating feminist, and that would undermine my mother’s entire worldview that her precious son, her very reason for being, is questionable. But now that my own son left the church, she sees that as further evidence that I’m the problem. Me working outside the home and believing in equality and not liking the sexism in the temple and being concerned for my daughter, all of these are me going against God.
What she does not understand at all and can’t even fathom is that nobody my age (and I’m old! I’m 47!) thinks that it’s OK for women to be treated as second class. My husband and sons (whom she claims I’ve emasculated) also agree women should be treated equally. In fact, the church’s anti-progress are what drove my son out, not me believing in equal pay. When I lived at home, she was closer to my views, although she didn’t agree with me on everything, but she didn’t see me as Satan’s minion. She is very easily influenced.
As I was reading your last comment, I wondered about her age and mental independence. Your last sentence, I think, is spot-on. I doubt she is truly accountable for her views and thoughts now, and, while that doesn’t eliminate the pain of the letter, it can be a solid foundation of love and compassion on your end.
Yours is not this extreme, but I see my mother as the woman I knew growing up, not the one who acts irrationally during a schizophrenic break. All of us are disabled in some way and to some degree, and one of my favorite aspects of our atonement theology is that it is broad and deep enough to cover every manifestation of every imaginable disability – even ones we can’t see, recognize and/or understand.
Hawk – I know this is a thread jack, but your gift with words astonishes me. The clarity and kindness of your response, still gets me, even today as I read it again. Your mom may not say your a light, but you a direct leader to me. Reading these comments also brings to mind things I have thought about a lot the past few years…I don’t think it is drama, Angie, it is just life. When it is our family and our life…it seems to mean something different, it isn’t just conceptual…it is something we must deal with. And it is emotional. It is very different than advice I give to others when I find it is my life. You may be feeling that too.
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