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hawkgrrrl wrote:
My brother doesn’t like the things I said about priesthood and sees that as me being a man-hating feminist…. Me working outside the home and believing in equality and not liking the sexism in the temple and being concerned for my daughter, all of these are me going against God.
That’s his perspective, and it’s interesting that I can read your stuff and come away feeling like you’re the model of restraint and patience.Ann wrote:hawkgrrrl wrote:My brother doesn’t like the things I said about priesthood and sees that as me being a man-hating feminist…. Me working outside the home and believing in equality and not liking the sexism in the temple and being concerned for my daughter, all of these are me going against God.
That’s his perspective, and it’s interesting that I can read your stuff and come away feeling like you’re the model of restraint and patience.I know! I really do try to find the balance between extreme viewpoints. If my mom’s standard is (as it seems) for my testimony to look just like my brother’s, that’s simply never going to happen for a million reasons. Case in point, he & his wife felt that public schools are too corrupting an influence, so they home schooled their kids. However, that’s just their philosophy because the reality is his wife would fly across the country for a month at a time to be with her mom and leave the home-schooling kids to figure it out on their own. I wouldn’t be quite this harsh, but my sister (the one whose kids are more my kids’ ages) says my brother’s kids are dumb as rocks. They also don’t allow any fun on Sunday. My nephew picked up a basketball once on a Sunday and my brother hissed at him “Steven!” and he set it down and hung his head as he walked off. It didn’t help that my kids were playing. He also insists on castigating me for my swimwear at every family function saying that obviously the church isn’t true where I live or I wouldn’t wear a two-piece swimsuit. He also calls me his sister the “big liberal,” which is silly since I voted for both Obama and George W.
My brother’s very smart, but he married a very odd woman who is often mean and sarcastic. She’s just got a very odd personality. When a friend posted a link to the garment survey the church did and tagged me, this SIL came on the thread (on FB) and said the church would never do such a survey. Well, joke’s on her because they did, and I have a suspicion it was at least in part because of my post on women’s garments that had nearly 41K views and even just this week was read 270 times (despite being from a year ago). The church is listening. Some hearts are softening. Just not in my family.
So, they like to believe they are the only real Mormons, but from what I can see, I’m far more like the Mormons in my ward than they are. Nobody in my ward is cuckoo for cocoa puffs self-righteous. The gossipy sister who lives by my mom was always the family joke for her orthodoxy, I swear, and even my mom made fun of her (I know that sounds mean), but in the last 2 decades, the culture wars have really taken root in my parents and these few siblings, and they find themselves in the trenches together, and me on the other side of the divide.
Sounds like you’ve got a few Jacobs in your family jockeying for Esau’s blessing. Is inheritance a factor? Like a situation where people are cut-throat about becoming the favorite because it’s their ticket to a gravy train? hawkgrrrl wrote:When a friend posted a link to the garment survey the church did and tagged me, this SIL came on the thread (on FB) and said the church would never do such a survey. Well, joke’s on her because they did, and I have a suspicion it was at least in part because of my post on women’s garments that had nearly 41K views and even just this week was read 270 times (despite being from a year ago). The church is listening. Some hearts are softening. Just not in my family.
My selfish concern here is:Hawkgrrrl needs to be kept in top blogging condition! She is a standard bearer.Quote:… but in the last 2 decades, the culture wars have really taken root in my parents and these few siblings, and they find themselves in the trenches together, and me on the other side of the divide.
But maybe not forever. One of them may crash-land someday and really need you.Quote:Is inheritance a factor? Like a situation where people are cut-throat about becoming the favorite because it’s their ticket to a gravy train?
That thought had occurred to me. It’s both ironic and pathetic, really. It’s ironic because my mother was very upset when her younger sister ingratiated herself with my grandparents in their last few years and took 50% of the 3-way inheritance split (my mom and her other sister each got a 25% inheritance). It’s pathetic because my parents are nearly 90 and frankly don’t have enough for us to be fighting over it. I’ll be very surprised if the 7-way split (as their will states) even yields $20K each after estate taxes. It will probably be much less. And my parents are still pretty healthy.
But, my parents have (IMO unwisely) put two of their kids in the role of executor. My brother (simply because he’s the only boy and openly acknowledged favorite from birth). Originally they had my oldest sister in as co-executor (because she’s the oldest), but due to this other sister living near them and going over there every day and whispering in her ear, she’s replaced the oldest as co-executor. Executors influence two big things in their will: 1) assessing the value of estate items in the home, and 2) determining who in the family is awarded those items (which are then deducted from their inheritance amount).
That sister has absolutely always been a mooch. They’ve sponged off people pretty much their whole lives, living with my parents, me, various church members, getting cash donations from people in envelopes. She is living the law of consecration (as a recipient, not a contributor) whether the rest of the world likes it or not. She has furnished her house mostly with castoffs people left on the curb or things she found in the attic of old houses they’ve lived in. Her husband is a CPA like mine, but unlike mine he had to take the test 12 times before he passed, and he has just never kept his skills up. When he started one job, his boss asked him to do a spreadsheet and he went up to “one of the young ladies in the office” (his term for any women who work because he assumes they are all secretaries who want to seduce him) and asked her where the “spreadsheet paper” was. His boss said he had a week to figure out Excel or he’d fire him, so Ken & I had to teach him. So, yes, for sure she’s ingratiating herself with my parents to get first crack at their stuff when they die. I don’t actually want any of it – they live 2000 miles away, and everything we have is nicer. There are a few sentimental things I would take, but I’m sure I won’t get any of it, and I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. If someone needs it or wants it more than we do, more power to them. It’s not worth it.
So I have no doubt that she will undervalue items she takes from the estate so she gets more items without giving up much inheritance. I just assume that will happen. Whether it’s human nature or not, it’s definitely Linda’s nature. My brother will simply cherry pick the sentimental items; he’s already claimed most of them, and my mother has made sure to put his name on them already. He is at least more disinterested financially.
This is one reason I just stay out of family stuff. They are all so different from me. I’m not close enough to any of them to fight with them, but that doesn’t prevent them taking swipes at me. I mostly just try to ignore them. I would really rather we got back to the mutual ignoring state. Actually, maybe that’s where we are again.
I am late to the party but I just wanted to second some of the other posters that your response was amazing in showing loving reassurance and restraint. The following paragraph was my favorite part! hawkgrrrl wrote:Just because I don’t see things the same way doesn’t mean that I don’t love the gospel, even if I do wish some cultural things were better. I suppose if they were better for people of my generation, they would be worse for people of yours, and it still might not be enough change for people of the rising generation. I suppose that’s how the world is set up to work, which is why Jesus said he came not to bring peace but a sword, to pit mother-in-law against daughter-in-law, etc. etc. The gospel is interpreted by each successive generation which is why change happens, slowly, but it happens.
In DW’s family there are several family rifts and they always seem to originate with a letter. Someone puts down some emotional words on paper and sends it off. An invisible barrier in the family is born.
This to me is THE thing that I hope to carry on from the family where I grew up. We have some liberals and conservatives, some moochers and some financially independent, some sexists and some women’s libers, some that are active church members and some that I suspect have had their names removed – but there are no favorites. (This coming from the perspective of the youngest child and only boy so consider the source.
Wow, I thought I had some extreme traditionally entrenched parents and family, your story makes my life look like a cakewalk. You are among family here, wouldn’t it be fun to have that BBQ at Heber’s! On a side note I am feeling extremely fortunate now that the “clue” has been received and I have not had to listen to any preaching in 4 years or so. I see my family often and it is good now. It is heaven when we all understand we can’t change minds and preaching does more harm than good. Orson wrote:wouldn’t it be fun to have that BBQ at Heber’s!
It would be epic.:thumbup:
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